Crow Puns And Other Bullshit

i slept ten and a half hours. Woke up a few times as per usual, but then it was right back to sleep each time. i was so fucking tired and run down. i still feel off today. sore, fatigued. distracted, which isn't great considering how much classwork i've got to get through today. but at least i slept. i feel disconnected and i can't tell if that's from fatigue or from how rough yesterday and last night was on me. like... not dissociation persay but just very much not connecting with everything. like im only half here...

 

i just woke up from a dream inside of a dream and im not sure how to feel... parts of it were me talking about wanting to go to where dad was staying so i could get some work done. then there was some kind of talk about moving states or visiting states so i could move back to missouri near moms family who were somehow still alive too, and mom was like "well you need your license, and there's this job center that would take you on for house cleaning" as if i'd be able to handle that physically. and i went off about how i wasnt going to do that, i wanted to finish school, and get a career, and travel, and do all kinds of things. i was so positive. and then i was like "so that means i need to go to the office to use the internet, or we need to hook ti up here finally, because i sure as shit can't do anything without internet access" and she was bitching about doing it later.

.... then i woke up and was recounting that dream to someone and was really sad because it was a reminder mom was dead and i was like "man it feels like i could just call her on the telephone to tell her what a great dream i had!"

... then i woke up fully, disoriented and overheated, and depressed because it was a firm reminder BOTH parents are dead AND my moms family is all dead and whatever alternate universe that was, i wish them the best but it's not here.

 

managed to get my classwork done and turned in on time. managed to shower, so i'm funky fresh. now im just kind of in a daze of in between, where i'm uncomfortable but not able to jump into doing other stuff.

 

my spine is literally a Bastard. my entire back is hurting still. also mysteriously i was getting sharp stabbing knee pain in the right side last night while at rest. like. ice pick sharp pain. lasted a good ten minutes then disappeared. no swelling anywhere. arthritis i guess? i got no idea anymore.

 

slept deeply, had intense dreams i can't remember... and woke up with derealization. i've sorted my meds for the week and have my headphones on now but nothing playing. sound is kinda hard right now. focus is kinda hard. i should find some video i like to rewatch a few times to get myself sorted but that feels like so much effort...

 

hours later, i still feel off. it's not like... how do i explain.
it's not alarming or upsetting, feeling like this, it's more agitating because i can tell something is Not Normal and it's keeping me on edge.
everyone is busy today, nobody is online to talk to. so i'm watching youtube videos i like to pass the time.
period's in full swing, even though it technically started like 3-4 days early for some fucking reason.
very oof ouch my bones as well today, which sucks.

this is the vibe today. it captures the vibe so succinctly. i want hope, and to have a place of my own to exist in and stuff, but also oof ouch my bones.

 

im not even sure what to do with myself when im like this
all these years of therapy and yet when im floating untethered and not my best, all i can do is continue to free float
vibe is that otter baby that got so fluffed up by its mother its unsinkable but its all alone and has no idea if its mother is ever coming back

 

oh. im stupid.
a part of the reason im so fucking foggy today might be bc today's the first day my period's been unleashed, despite it starting unofficially like. 3 days ago now on its own.
it took my left ovary screaming at me to make me go "oh, right. bleeding more. right. yeah."

 

:')))))))))) i was lied to. i came out of the horrible fog... directly in time to get insomnia strong enough it fought off my sleepy pill and now im dying

 

....if i ever think I'm being overly dramatic with the "I overheat at the drop of a hat" line, let it be known my glasses are fogging up because i've been sitting upright too long.

 

got woken up at 5am by tornado watch alerts, alarms, and the sirens going off. spent a few minutes in the basement alone till it passed/the watch ended bc roomie didn't come down with me. she's from new york, she does not have the innate caution beaten into her head that midwest kids grew up with. i know not to fuck around with Watches, even here in the city. wasnt as put together as i normally would've been. normally i'd bring my electronics, meds, and cat with me. this morning i was so dazed i just brought phone, meds, a drink, cat, and the cat fled back upstairs the second i let her go bc i didn't know where her carrier was.

still no classwork done yet. hoping to get some done today. zoning out real bad still.

 

i thought i was being cut loose from therapy by my therapist but apparently not, bc he set up an appt on monday to discuss what's been going on with the updates I've been sending him. apparently they are not great.

 

i am debating asking my doctor about getting a rollator. ive got a wheelchair but im not physically strong enough to maneuver around in it for any real length of time without dislocating my shoulders. its great for when im at a con and someone is willing to push me, bc i become the pack mule mobile for the group. but. ...maybe a rollator would help with the "i can't leave the house safely without getting really sick and panicking because sitting on the ground immediately to avoid fainting and recover is not often a good option"

the only reason ive not done it yet is... im embarrassed. i just feel like i'll stick out like a sore thumb and thought less of. or like i shouldn't use it because i don't need balance help, i just need a place to recover readily. :<

 

asked my doc/broached the subject ahead of my appt so i don't forget and so we can be prepared. doctor said she has ideas about my treatment/mobility needs, but that they'd best be discussed in person, so i guess i'll see whats gonna happen with me on the 11th

 

therapist: 4th
psych for meds: 6th
GP: 11th

Hhhhh. I'm going to be hopeful. I'm not going to be despair and giving up hope, there's changes coming, I need to hold out and do my best to try them.

 

therapy went well, I guess. i was really slowed down and tired during it though. which is weird bc i slept like 9 hours last night and had a nap right before therapy but i had to lay down for a second nap right after we finished bc i was so out of it. still feel drifty. we didn't discuss a ton, really, but it was nice to touch base. i've got the next 3 appointments set up already so i don't forget, and he wants me to keep in contact with him by messaging on his site as needed.

i think im gonna try drawing today, if i can get my head to function with me. the last few times i drew i didn't get anything useful out of it and deleted everything bc it was so stiff and awful, but it was still time spent relaxing so. something to aim for i guess.

med adjustment on the 6th.

 

managed to draw a little bit but had to stop before finishing anything. tired. awake, just. physically tired. mentally tired. don't wanna sleep yet tho. maybe i'll try watching something.
depressed but also not...? just...
mmm. kinda checked out like i have been since this morning. vague.

 

My support group mentioned Chronic Fatigue Syndrome specifically has orthostatic intolerance related as a symptom. I've got it, and likely have had it since I got Epstein Barr as a young kiddo and was never the same. I've got hyperpots as well. Maybe the two conditions are from the same event, maybe they're feeding off each other and making each other worse and that's why it's such a fucking bitch to treat. My entire system is going batshit. definitely need to ask the doctor her opinion on this.

 

decision was made to up my depression meds by 20mg. he suggested upping my mood stabilizer instead if i wanted, but i declined, bc i'm right at the cusp of max dose for the stabilizer but have room to grow on the depression meds, and the stabilizer is working REALLY well for keeping my more extreme shit stabilized. we decided not to adjust the anxiety meds yet, in case it's being caused/worsened by a medical condition. we can always adjust later tho.

bc i didnt get decent sleep last night i slept off an on all fucking day and lost... everything. did nothing. so plan is to sleep well tonight, wake up and do some homework/figure out everything i need to get done this week, shower finally, do more homework, maybe take trash out if i can. gonna try to avoid naps.

 

haven't started the new depression med dosage yet. i see my GP tomorrow to discuss things so I might be changing meds anyway, so I'm waiting for Tuesday to pick things up. slept relatively little but felt pretty alert when i woke up. v confusing. less fog today. still gonna nap shortly tho, bc i'm dragging physically. thought the time change would affect me more...

also was looking at my old test results and... I DID get tested for a pheo once, a year ago, but I haven't had my cortisol checked since 2019, I've never had a proper adrenal workup. so something could still be funky there causing problems and hasn't been checked. I'm gonna ask about getting an adrenal workup because things are kind of tetchy in my mind. hope I'm not overstepping. who knows, maybe she wants to do that too, considering she normally would discuss things over mychart but in this case she said it was better to discuss in person.