Crow Puns And Other Bullshit

i have the worst luck with food delivery, man.
i ordered a big bowl of veggies + steak from Bibibop, i was very excited for this
i get note my food was delivered aaaaaaand
.....
not my food.
not the right restaurant even
edible, i ate it, but like
weak ass buttery noodles with some dry but well seasoned chicken chunks is not my big bowl of veggies and steak >:/
at least there was a gigantic fucking chonk of rice krispy treat to go alongside with it ://////
i got my money back at least
i'll try ordering what i want tomorrow when its daylight so i have a better chance of getting it i guess

 

went to clinic to talk about my med adjustment
we raising the new meds a lil bit bc i responded but not as much as i could
and i realized last night, and remembered to tell him when we were talking...
i can't remember the last time i had Constant Background Noise Suicide Thoughts. :)
it mustve been a few weeks now at least. they still crop up when im very upset but like
the Constant Background Noise of suicidal ideation is quiet
i cant remember the last time i havent had that background noise

 

YAAAAAAAA

 

therapy was earlier. went well enough, we just touched base again. i slept rough last night bc of a medication mistake (I forgor for several hours lol) and was kind of braindead during it as usual. couldn't think of much to bring up. i need to start taking notes on a notepad again to discuss each week or i'll keep forgetting everything.

ordered food again. didn't really NEED to but Wanted to and I'm in the safe range financially to do so. Chinese is on the menu today :9 Mmm, dumplings.

still need to do ALL of my fucking schoolwork for this week but jesus i can't seem to get my brain going at all. hopefully some wonton soup and dumplings will get my brain started.

also period stopped yesterday but I'm seeing traces of blood when I wipe again today already so I'm not holding my breath :/ I hope it holds off at least till after my pool therapy tomorrow, bc I can't put a tampon in comfortably unless there's a certain amount of blood happening and I dont wanna stain my new towel or my suit with the traces 8l

 

pt went well. lady noticed i looked like death warmed over and added it to my chart, seemed concerned. did a lot in the pool, including neck stretches and stuff. hips are mad. might take a nap. but i feel good, got a lot done. confirmed i am still indeed weaker on my right leg for some fucking reason, it was harder to control doing the circle motions to the side than the left which matches my intake findings so there's that i guess.

i need to do. All of my homework. but first.... a nap...

 

ohhhhh my god, lovely as hell nap. unwound for a lil bit then passed out dead to the world, woke up limp and covered in my own drool and a cat

 

i noticed this earlier but didn't want to jinx it. ...i think my brain's a lil quieter? like... I feel strange but not in an alarming or bad way, just.... less tensed up than usual? it feels abnormal for me, I'm used to a certain baseline of anxiety and tension, and it's just. Not in me right this second. not sure if bc today's just an alright day and the pt was nice, or the new med dose or what.

also blood still hasn't started up yet so I'm being cautiously optimistic.

 

down side: woke up at 3:30, gave up trying to sleep by 4.
up side: my very very very rarely getting to speak to friend in the uk felt up to talking for the first time in months so we swapped pet pictures and nattered a bit. I've kept her updated every month on what's been going on bc she said she likes hearing even if she doesn't feel up to talking. i miss her dearly, we used to be inseparably close online and now I'm just... not that for her anymore. i wish i was. i miss how close we were. but we're still able to pick up when she feels up to it and carry on like we've never stopped talking multiple times a day.

so. little bittersweet feeling but i'm still glad to hear from her. i care for her so much.

 

i feel drunk with power. the homework thing i was stuck on in my research class yesterday? the one that sent me into a stupid spiral in my scream thread? the one that made me physically sick as feedback from the stress?

solved it. found where in the lecture video it was discussed. i was so confused bc i just. was not connecting what the fuck she wanted with what i had in front of me, but it was bc it was in the video, not the lecture itself. fixed it. finished it. feel energized. had a coffee despite my milk having gone bad bc i had plenty of creamer to compensate instead. v pumpkin spice-y. v tasty.

i still need to rush and get some more things done, like reading this book, but this is me we're talking about. i will be screaming with things at the last second till the semester ends then start all over again in spring.

 

SUCK MY ASS STATISTICS I AM APPARENTLY SMART ENOUGH TO FOLLOW DIRECTIONS TO FIGURE OUT SHIT OUT
I'M BACK UP TO A B+ IN THAT CLASS. YAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA.

 

ordered my first ever set of doc martens!!!! they were on ebay, mint condition in my size, and a really good price so i jumped on'em. im so excited :D

 

huh weird, the image didnt attach to the other post. either way here they are.

 

reading a book i chose for my psychopathology class again finally and ow ow ow ow. I knew picking someone with the same shit as me would hurt but goddamn is it dragging me and beating the corpse. if you've got C-PTSD and feel stable enough to delve into someone else's history and progress with treatment and understanding it and wanna feel called the ever living fuck out read "What My Bones Know" by Stephanie Foo.

 

signed up for spring classes. and man. an in person class monday, wednesday, and thursday. ol-< and one of them is a fucking 8:30am class. this is gonna. suck. a lot. for my body. there were very few classes that i needed that were online as an option orz which i understand, at this point in the degree theres a lot of in person practice we need to do and stuff but augh.

i die from one in person class a week. so. Hoo Boi. fucking prayer circle that I'm stronger by then with the physical therapy. im also gonna get a tailbone cushion off amazon next month to see if that gives some immediate relief bc one of the most painful things is the fucked up sciatic/si joint/tailbone area.

 

CONCERNS CANCELED, THE LADY FOUND ME ONLINE CLASSES THAT WEREN'T FOR THE ONLINE-ONLY DEGREE, I AIN'T GOTTA GO TO CAMPUS AT ALL NEXT SEMESTER HELL YEAAAAAAAAAAAH

slight boo tho, apparently last week the ladies from the field study program were in class so i missed out on asking questions and learning from them about stuff. guess i gotta chase them down Directly like my faculty advisor has been trying to do since June lol.

 

I've officially finished reading the first book I've read in YEARS.
christ what a rollercoaster of a read, I'm exhausted in the best way.

 

feeling kind of weirdly positive today. like... soothed somehow.
nose still producing blood when i blow my nose, i fucked myself up with crying yesterday i guess
but man
... idk i feel peaceful. i don't even feel stressed about classwork coming up, which i made my list for today bc i spent all yesterday finishing the book i needed to finish
its just. "oh that needs done. ok i can do that."
i don't want to put too much belief onto it bc i know its probably temporary but... man. i feel pretty okay right now. :)

 

skin check: complete, a-okay, none of the spots i was concerned about were of any worry to them.
rent: paid without having to chase down roomie
bit of mild cleaning: performed in living room while my lunch microwaved
medications: ordered for delivery in time
grocery order: placed
homework: ???????????????????????????????????

still feeling overwhelmed and upset about a few things but I am actually breathing a bit finally.

 

comforted. doctor doesn't seem all too shocked or worried about my enzyme results. basically slapped my ass, told me to stick to my diet to lower them, and told me to hit the showers.

 

my field placement lady is an angel and i love her
i feel a LOT more comfortable and hopeful about my field placement journey now