Crow Puns And Other Bullshit

i was thinking last night what my parents would think of me now. mom would probably be angry that i let myself go physically, that i'm fat. that i'm disabled isn't a surprise but the extent probably would be. i don't know how dad would react. but i'd like to think they'd both be proud of how far i've come with what i've had to deal with and what i have overcome. and in realizing that.... i realized i think i forgive them. not the deed, not what they did to me as that was cruel and fucked up and horrifying. ....but i forgive them as flawed fucked up humans who died alone and miserable and in dads case in extreme pain. they did not have friends around them when their time came. dad had mom at his side, but mom was alone in the old folks home because i couldn't care for her at home. she died entirely alone. neither of them had friends checking on them. their families were kind of hands off. they died young, alone, and miserable. i wouldn't wish that on anyone. i can't imagine going out that way myself.

so. ... i forgive them. i forgive them for being fucked up flawed people who did some terrible things, but also good things. they're the reason i developed with a kind streak. i was raised well despite being abused. i care for people. i show concern. i'm not selfish even if sometimes i fret that i am. i've overcome a fuckload with what ive got, come very far, worked very hard as honestly as i could, and i have plans for the future. there's a lot i still need to learn and do and a LOT of growth and change to do, but it'll all come in time.

i feel a bit lighter for forgiving them. for separating them from their actions.

my therapists reply was: "Acceptance and healing is like that. You are coming to these conclusions very naturally and in a matter of fact way. As you reconcile your parent’s deficits you are separating the deed from the doer. These are also great skills for a social worker to possess. Keep focusing on yourself and enhancing yourself."

I feel warm and fuzzy.