Crow Puns And Other Bullshit

i was thinking last night what my parents would think of me now. mom would probably be angry that i let myself go physically, that i'm fat. that i'm disabled isn't a surprise but the extent probably would be. i don't know how dad would react. but i'd like to think they'd both be proud of how far i've come with what i've had to deal with and what i have overcome. and in realizing that.... i realized i think i forgive them. not the deed, not what they did to me as that was cruel and fucked up and horrifying. ....but i forgive them as flawed fucked up humans who died alone and miserable and in dads case in extreme pain. they did not have friends around them when their time came. dad had mom at his side, but mom was alone in the old folks home because i couldn't care for her at home. she died entirely alone. neither of them had friends checking on them. their families were kind of hands off. they died young, alone, and miserable. i wouldn't wish that on anyone. i can't imagine going out that way myself.

so. ... i forgive them. i forgive them for being fucked up flawed people who did some terrible things, but also good things. they're the reason i developed with a kind streak. i was raised well despite being abused. i care for people. i show concern. i'm not selfish even if sometimes i fret that i am. i've overcome a fuckload with what ive got, come very far, worked very hard as honestly as i could, and i have plans for the future. there's a lot i still need to learn and do and a LOT of growth and change to do, but it'll all come in time.

i feel a bit lighter for forgiving them. for separating them from their actions.

my therapists reply was: "Acceptance and healing is like that. You are coming to these conclusions very naturally and in a matter of fact way. As you reconcile your parent’s deficits you are separating the deed from the doer. These are also great skills for a social worker to possess. Keep focusing on yourself and enhancing yourself."

I feel warm and fuzzy.

 

is birth. i do not feel 36 whatsofuckingever

 

Hap birf.

(You're as young as you feel ;) )

 

all in all... good birthday :) i felt very calm the entire day, relaxed. ate cheesecake. talked a bit with friends but mostly it was quiet and watching anime. cleaned some cat barf that'd dried (ty disposable glove investment of the past!!!!!) and put together my carpet cleaner so i can give it a whirl tomorrow on the cat stains. generally..... good day :) i also had a nap and it was rainy most of the day. good atmosphere. i don't think i've had this chill of a birthday in ages. not a single breakdown or sad feeling in sight.

 

100% on that final diversity paper, 95% total grade for the class.
So A, A-, A-, A, and a B. Not bad.

 

Also, I think I realized what at least SOME of the claw my skin off anxiety out of nowhere is. Some of it... maybe be boredom. Because I started remembering I'd feel the same way as a kid when there felt like nothing to do/I couldn't get myself to focus on a task. It was painful boredom, I felt like I was going to die. and I know that sounds dramatic, because it is, but I can't explain it any other way. But I recognized it because lately I've been able to task switch and Do Things and haven't felt it at all. And the few times I STARTED to feel it I nullified it immediately.

So it must be like. understimulation. not being able to choose to start a task leads to the lack of stimulation and boredom and my brain gets more and more and more frantic trying to find a way to GET that stimulation going no matter how it can. which is like. obnoxious and kinda counterproductive. but good to know all the same.

 

maybe im not so broken after all. like yeah the physical stuff sucks and ain't going away, and I'm gonna have bad days mentally but like.... on average things are good? like baseline has improved significantly since even just last year. and i assume it's going to keep going up as i get more independent and get responsibilities and start poking my lil turtle head out into the world.

 

this entire time i've been doing art at 300dpi and.... i just swapped my current canvas out for 600 dpi like pros use. lets see if it makes a difference lol. should, hopefully, since i use itty bitty brushes anyway and that means more detail will be captured. but still. experimentation lol

 

I need to be writing ol-< but god the last semester really fucked with my focus for writing. too many papers and class readings i guess, it's like when english majors say that getting their degrees killed any and all desire to read for pleasure. my therapist said i'll have the "FUCK i have a paper due!!!!" feeling hanging over me for a few years after getting my degrees, it comes with the territory. but i sure hope i can get past this blockage and get back to churning out writings. I've just been on such a drawing kick lately... maybe its bc while i was able to write, even if not for pleasure, i wasn't able to draw At All for months because i struggle so bad with managing my time.

.....which is *hilarious* bc not only am i gonna have to manage my time like a fucking maniac come Masters schedule time, but my entire internship is... gonna be about helping college kids with autism and developmental disabilities keep on track and re-orient and manage their times and schedules and stress in good ways =v=;;;; very strong "do as i say not as i do" energy in the chilis tonight lmfao

 

ohhh. i thought i was hearing some raging party from the frat houses but no, its Sonic Temple again on the fairgrounds. the lineup looks so cool. but it also means i'll be hearing drums and funky guitar riffs and bass till late on the 11th lmfao

 

gabapentin: upped to 300mg 3x per day.

unexplained lack of hunger/food aversion(?????) is gonna get a gastric emptying study to see if there's any delay that might be causing it. which. im hoping there fucking isn't bc if my body even THINKS of trying to edge towards gastroparesis like a lot of other potsies i will in fact fucking riot.

 

i was going to draw all day but i got pinged by management saying there's a walkthrough between 11 and 1 tomorrow. surprise. why there's a fucking walkthrough when the apartment already sold fuck if i know. so ive gotta deal with the cat stained carpet finally, do laundry, take trash, etc etc etc. i have plans. i have time. i have PLENTY of time. so why do i feel this icy grip of terror around my chest almost an hour after finding out.

 

hahahaha im in danger. aka: the landlord just came by and said the building sold recently, which i knew, but that they're turning it into a drug/alcohol rehab rental unit. so. they'll honor my current lease, but once its up they won't renew it. so i'll be having to look for somewhere else to live uhhhhhhhhh. by next year i believe. lol. which. given the money situation. is. gonna be interesting i guess. hopefully i can find a roommate somewhere that'll take me and kricket. or i'll get a job or something. idk. i had planned on jumping right into masters but this might throw a wrench into things. ugh.

 

current lease doesnt expire till june 2026 at least

 

refocused my anxiety into a fuckload of drawing. the entire day disappeared. but im calmer now. much calmer. ive got a year, and if old roomie gets her stuff out before new term that'd work easily for finding a temp roomie who'd prolly want out in june anyway as is usual in this neighborhood. i also remembered theres an unofficial facebook group for finding roomies near campus, or advertising yourself NEEDING to find a room available ASAP that isn't being split 50/50 (which is what channels through the school itself require of adverts. which. is hilarious bc a lot of these places have four or five people splitting a house property.)
so i just. need to be calm, be smart, be ready, enjoy my summer freely, lock in for the semester when it starts and rock my internship without dying, then when i graduate it'll be time to move and then start new chapter. if im lucky i can find a fellow grad student situation instead of undergrad, that'd be even more guarantee of a chill atmosphere from what i've seen.

 

therapist was very surprised that i wasn't flipping my shit about the apartment change ups. that i was calm and relaxed about it. that i was more concerned about the not being able to start/stick to a schedule or like... focus on any one specific thing. just bouncing around and doing nothing productive or progressive. apparently he was very sure that it wouldve sent me over the edge but. nope. chill. it is what it is.

biggest concern now, as i said, is the like... inability to start/keep a schedule. I know the bitch that makes the schedules and she's a pushover. and the stomach thing still of course. gastric emptying is june 10th, looking forward to getting it and getting it over with. POTS group, when i asked about the symptoms and the mention of slow motility, all told me to look into gastroparesis. which is what i was worried about but. meh. i can't change it if thats what it is, just means even more strict changes i'll have to enact.

 

plan is to force myself to eat a can of soup later but like.... the flavor sounds good. i want to taste a LOT of things. but the actual eating does not sound appealing at all. all ive had today is a breakfast drink and this coffee im working on and even THAT feels weird. just liquids feels weird. i keep burping like ive got indigestion, little burps from the back of my throat, but theres no pain or heartburn feeling. im not sure what to do about this. like... if i make it tasty enough, i should be able to hork it down at least, but like. im already dreading that brick feeling man.