depression? something else? idfk it's brain-related

wow Cedar, a second advice thread in not even as many days?
haha yeah I'm a fucking mess.

so....I got out of my parents' house like, almost two months ago now. and initially things got better, like my depression was kinda better, and even though my PTSD symptoms skyrocketed things weren't terrible.

but lately it's like all the things have returned with a fucking vengeance.

like...my psychotic symptoms are kinda the same as always, but the hallucinations have been scarier and bigger lately. I've been having more mightmares, my sleep schedule's fucked, and I think I've had three breakdowns this past week?? self harm urges come and go but a lot of the time I want to die. and the thing I'm most concerned about....my functionality level has dropped so immensely it's kind of scary.

like. most days this past week, I did....nothing for as long as I could. and I don't mean nothing the way my parents mean it, like I sat on my computer or read a book or--no. I mean n o t h i n g. I just lay in fucking bed. not even really asleep most of the time, just fucking....I don't know. it's like I'm not really there. I mean, I am, but I'm....not. it's me, but I don't remember much, just....sometimes awake, warm, blankets, a few dreams here and there from falling asleep. I do nothing. I think I went four days without showering this past week, all while wearing the same fucking clothes. if I do get up, the most I do is take my meds and brush my hair. outside of that, basically nothing is fucking happening.

and like. some of the things I understand here. like, I chose to sleep through two scheduled doctor's appointments despite some rather....pressing health issues. but that's because I've seen so many doctors about this shit over the years that I sorta feel like, why do the song and dance again? why go just to be told that well if the problem really exists, they don't know what's causing it, and I'm probably fine anyway.

but some of the things I really don't understand. like, I'm not eating a lot lately. it's not that I'm not hungry. it's not that I don't want food. it's not that there's no food I would eat. it's that I consider eating, and I go "but effort", and I actively choose to stay in fucking bed and just wait for the hunger to pass than eat.

and I'm....kind of worried about this, and it makes me anxious, but even the anxiety isn't enough to fuel me into action. there's no immediate threat of danger if I fail to act, so--I don't. it's like the same thing that happened for six months last year when I was living with my parents, except now with less anxiety because there's no threat of harm with failure to improve. and I....don't know what to do about this?? I don't know how to motivate. I know that if I don't, this pattern's just gonna continue. but....it's like I start every day with negative three spoons now, and just don't care to try anymore.

but I can't just stay in bed forever eating nothing and not showering for days on end and sleeping sometimes and just. barely existing.

what do??

 

This sounds a lot like my depression symptoms. Do you think that maybe you are just now letting yourself feel shitty because you just got out of a bad situation? Pretty much the same thing happened when i quit my job that was killing me. I'm still trying to recover from the burn out.

But as far as what to do, do you live with anyone who can help you do stuff? Like help you make food or pick out clothes to change into or other stuff like that? Or do you have a friend you trust to poke you into eating at certain times or who can just check up on you in general? It's like, impossible for me to get motivated on my own so those are some things that help me.

 

I don't have much to say, but as someone who has a really big issue with taking initiative and self care and the same issues, damn witnessed.

Hm. I don't know what to suggest in the longterm, because I've found it a recurring issue. But in the short term, planning things and telling people you're going to do them might help? You mentioned you have people you communicate with before... Sometimes saying stuff like 'i'm writing this ___' 'i'm going to have a shower', stuff kind of helps even if you don't feel like it. I agree that talking to other people and getting their help in getting motivated is the kind of thing that helps, if you can.

 

@Alaspooralice I don't know....it's possible that I'm just letting myself feel shitty because it is Safe to do so now, I can't be sure. re: living with people--I live with my partner Raiah, and their partner Reine is.....not always here, but like, they are here often, because they sort of live here and sort of do not? I asked Raiah to please at least poke me about eating if they can when Reine is not here, and if Reine can poke me about eating when they are here, because like, even if you poke me about eating, I am.....very disinclined to actually get up and eat no matter what. sometimes I will listen, but most often no. but if you just refuse to food, Reine like. goes and makes food and brings it to you and is just "eat" because I guess that makes them feel like they are Help and that makes them happy? (and tbh it is Help. so.)
I'm trying to, like. make Obligations for myself so I have to shower and change clothes every so often. because if I have a psych appointment, or an important doctor's appointment, I will actually force myself into going. it just takes a lot of mental convincing. but I do it, if only because I know me actually looking after my health stuff is important to the people I care about.

@Charlie the thing I struggle with for telling people I'm gonna do something is that like.....I can tell them I plan to. but unless they, in an hour, when I said I would shower, message me like "are you showering" and if I say no go "do it shower" then I just. don't. shower. it's sort of like.....I need someone to tell me "do thing" before I'll actually do it, even if I told them I would do it or planned to do it. it's like it's easier to let myself down or than it is to let the people I care about down? (and yes I know not showering is probably not REALLY letting them down but I need that train of thinking to make this work don't argue it)

 

Well that sounds like a good start. Would you feel more inclined to feed yourself if someone helps you cook? Like if person A says "time to eat" do you feel like it's too much effort to make the food or just to get up? If person A helped you cook like, soup or something would that help you to eat or would you need help getting out of bed first?

Thinking about that stuff can help find where in the process your brain just says "nope" and then address that to help you with tasks.

 

One small thing where we can help with this the executive dysfunction cheerleading thread.

Yeah, I know how this feels. For me, I feel like this stems from me feeling like I have very little self-worth, and so self-care for my own sake isn't really worth it. It's only when other people are involved that it seems to matter.
Sorry if I'm not helping. Have some hugs too, if you want them.

 

hmmmm.
it's more the making of the food process that gets to me. like...I can get out of the bed. but that is where Ability To Do ends, because suddenly I'm thinking about making food or having to shower and--too many steps, too hard, too much effort, no, goodbye, we are done here.
so....I mean. the thing about food is that I've been making a point lately to have some stuff around that is just. fetch food > open wrapper > eat. the showering is more a concern atm because.....if I stall there, unless I have a very pressing thing to go out and take care of, that's it. we're done. and I'm not sure at exactly what stage I get stuck. I'll try and figure it out, though, and see if someone could help me with thing.

thread is good!!! thank.
and. yeah. I. I feel that. self-care just for me is just....not worth it, and anyway I don't deserve it. if other people are counting on me to get the thing done, though....well, now it matters, because THEY matter, and THEY have worth to me, so disappointing them would be.....well, it's just not an option.
you helped! the thread offer is good and tbh. commiserating makes me feel less.....alone and less like a horrible burden unlike any other existing person on the planet. (hugs are also good those, I accept these as well.)

 

yeah. I know this thought process well, and I know it's unhealthy but I can't stop it.
I also want to say "you're not a horrible burden" but since we seem to have a lot of similarities in thought process in this kind of situation, I know that won't really do much to help. Just know you're not alone and even when you feel like we don't want to hear about your problems, we do.
And also. Hugs. Lots of 'em.

 

thank, you are good and. yes. thank.

 

you too.
anyway, if you haven't today, you ought to go take a shower. Maybe get some water as well.

 

Omg same hat. I find I can power through if I have someone doing some of the steps for me. Like if it's spaghetti, if someone fills the pot with water I can put the noodles and make sure it cooks right, and if they hold the colander, I can plate the food. As an example.

As for showering, it's kind of a thing where my bf will say "ok you need to shower" and I will whine and he will say "come on I'll go with you" and that makes it less horrible. Or if I'm really in a crappy place having wet wipes or just doing sponge bath type stuff is way easier for me. I think they also sell dry shampoo you don't have to rinse or anything. Or if you are me just wash your hair in the sink.

 

yeah like idk. I can do thing if someone helps me do it?
problem with shower is that it's not like anyone can HELP ME SHOWER. this is. a single person activity. dry shampoo might work but. other than that idk what to do? I used to, when I needed to shower late at night and knew my parents would get mad at me, get two washcloths and make one water and the other water and soap and then put down a towel and wash like that, and then wash hair in sink, but idk. it always made me feel kinda. sticky and not properly cleaned.

 

Oh Bluh. Yeah showering is hard to get help with other than having someone bug you about it. Maybe just try showering a few times a week instead if every day and that may help?

 

I....have a bit of a compulsive need to shower daily. my depression and my compulsions are kind of constantly at war, but the compulsions are what drive me to shower eventually--without it I don't know if I'd be showering, period. but. the compulsion will not be silent. and if I start showering every few days, the compulsion will be Louder, because you're showering, so clearly you can do the thing, so why aren't you doing it every single day.
....that.....might be part of the problem, now that I think about it? I'm depressed, yes, so I don't want to shower, but I also fear that if I try to adjust the shower schedule, the compulsion will get mad and then I'll just be Anxiety and On Edge constantly.

 

Aw man, that sucks I'm sorry. Does the sponge bath type stuff work for the compulsions or does it have to be a real shower?

 

Real Shower
nothing else is Clean

 

That sounds frustrating. :( I hope you can find something that works for your situation.

 

me too.
I mean.
part of what might help ALL MY COMPULSIONS is seeing a therapist.
Raiah thinks I have OCD because I have so many compulsions that.....all sort of stem from the same general basis. but I'm under the impression you need to have, like, moral scrupulosity spirals to have OCD?? or some kind of spiral, at least, when you do not do compulsion. I don't have that?

 

@chaoticArbiter yeah, I understand. Like... the reason I tell people I'm doing things is so I can imagine their disappointed faces if I don't do the thing. Realistically, yes, they probably wouldn't care but I feel you on that big. Maybe not the 'best' way but damnit, what works works.

The executive dysfunction cheerleading squad is a good thread. I know I might feel less self conscious about using it if I saw more people using it, so. Good thread for all imo.

Yeah, compulsions/related feelings can be part of a few things. I know my partner also has to shower everyday, but in their case it's being autistic (routine). I'm not sure on OCD, because my experience isn't there, but if you think you have it can't hurt to research it more.

 

mine is very much not routine--it's part of a set of compulsions that are focused around me and the entire world around me being Clean and Balanced.

anyway.
I'm maybe alive, and this is an example of part of my problem here.
I went to bed at at like 3am.
it's 9:30pm.
I don't know about you, but I'm pretty sure that I don't need 18 and a half hours of sleep, and now I feel groggy and out of it and have a headache. not to mention that I had stuff I was gonna do today which I now haven't done, and I've fucked up my sleep schedule again.
but I don't even really remember today. I'm not sure why I slept so long. I remember maybe one moment where I think I was kind of awake and it was maybe light out? but other than that, I didn't wake up. and I don't usually set an alarm, is the thing--I like to try and let myself sleep the amount of time my body has decided I need to sleep, and also I have a bit of a constantly shifting sleep schedule that means I go to bed at a different time each night, more often than not.
BUT I DIDN'T NEED TO SLEEP FOR 18 HOURS.
unless that's what your body does after you get blood drawn??? I don't know, I'm pretty sure getting blood drawn shouldn't make you sleep for eighteen hours.
what do?