Depression that will probably go away soon, but is currently still here

Ah, so, I had a thread over in advice about my now ex-girlfriend, and I've been dealing with some depression issues around the same time that basically came to a head Tuesday night/Wednesday morning. I don't feel like writing it all out, so a copy-paste from the other thread:

At the moment, we still aren't sure if I'm definitely doing the partial intake program because it's something like $800 a day which I absolutely cannot afford. We are exploring potential ways of paying (I might be able to argue that it's medically necessary and have the insurance cover at least part of it even though it's out of network, and they may be willing to do a sliding scale on cost).

I haven't felt actively suicidal since Wednesday (... I'm kinda passively suicidal all the time and often forget that that isn't normal for most people. Like, will just casually think, I could kill myself, that would be great, and then move on with my day. So I don't think I can say I haven't been suicidal at all? idk). But, in the meantime, I'm seeing my therapist every day, and I have spoken to my boyfriend and few other friends in the vein of "you are not responsible for me, but things aren't very good for me right now, so if something happens and you're concerned, please tell [my therapist] immediately." If anything happens and she thinks I'm in danger/not getting better, there is a very strong possibility of hospitalization.

I am trying very hard not to be reactively terrified and cagey about my current mental/emotional state because of this, but it's kinda hard because hospitalization was a threat my parents used to use and Ariel used to talk about how terrible and evil the time she was hospitalized was, so. I am aware that it could be helpful, and I have tried to kill myself in the past, so it seems worth considering and I would like it to be good, but idk.

Also, my medication order finally got processed and it should be mailed to me sometime next week. It'll take about a week to actually start working once I start taking it. So I'm roughly two weeks out to feeling closer to baseline?

Additionally, and also important, I'm finally going to campus disability services to see if I can get something in the vein of "autism/adhd/bipolar/fibromyalgia (eugh, the last one is technically undiagnosed because my specialist was a fucking asshole; probably means I can't get any help for it directly) make keeping up with classwork incredibly difficult." I'm not sure how this will go. My therapist is hopeful, but everyone I know who's a student just has horror stories about the disability services director being a difficult asshole.

I'm just so tired at this point.

 

So the meeting with the accommodations director is Tuesday. I have been given a form, which asks a for general information, and spends a lot of time asking about what accommodations I received in high school. It also asks for permission to contact my counselor from high school about said accommodations.

I never had any accommodations in high school. The only reason I didn't fail out of high school is because between my freshman and sophomore year, with the accelerated classes I was taking, I could have theoretically graduated after my junior year. (I didn't. I burned out and tried to kill myself instead, and so finished up my senior year. On the bright side, because of my "unnecessary" senior year, I went into college a sophomore.) I don't actually have any experience asking for accommodations (the few times I brought it up with my parents were ... aggressively shot down) and am now stressed that because I don't have a high school history of accommodations, I won't get any. :/

 

I would note that you did not have anything addressed in terms of accommodations previously, and didn't have an opportunity to request any? If you're concerned, I'm pretty sure that if you have a chance to talk to someone you can give the background re: burning out and suicide attempt, which... like, if anyone hears that, I'm pretty sure they'll go "okay, yeah, that sounds pretty legit" and view that as an excellent reason for accommodations. Lots of people are too afraid to step up and ask for help - god knows I was one of them until, like, last year, when I finally copped to the depression and sought treatment.

I'm pretty sure they'll be willing to work with you - it's poss

I wish I had more thorough advice or help to offer.

 

I fucked up last night.

So I got invited to a Halloween costume party and even though I normally watch the walking dead with a friend, I decided I would go. I'd had a really good day - my mom and aunt surprised me with a visit, and I had had dinner with them, among other things - and was feeling really good and wanted to go out.

So out we went, and kinda party crawled (the first few got broken up by the police literally within five minutes of us arriving), and we ended up at the apartment of a friend of a friend. Over the course of the next hour, I drank at least a liter of rum. I remember very clearly hitting just past tipsy, which is where I usually cut myself off, and thinking, "I should stop now." And I did, but then I had to leave to go fetch one of the people I had arrived with (He was visiting our college for one of my friends, who was the person who invited me to the original party, and had invited him; he ended up ditching us twice over the course of the night, pissing off my friend, and getting himself lost. Since my friend wouldn't talk to him, I went to get him un-lost and bring him to our current party.) and when I got back, my mood had soured sufficiently that I said fuck it, and proceeded to get blitzed.

I wasn't trying to kill myself, per se. But I did this knowing I could die, and did it anyway.

My boyfriend attempted to take me to the hospital, but all the nearby clinics were closed (I'm not sure why he didn't take me to the actual hospital, which I think should have been open? idk). I remember him driving me around a lot and not letting me sleep. What I don't remember is: him telling me I needed to stay awake because I might die, and me telling him that that was what I wanted and he should let me.

I didn't end up going to the hospital, but I did very nearly die.

I wasn't trying to kill myself, except that I was, because I am historically very very good at cutting myself off. Because I did cut myself off, and then turned around and decided I didn't care anymore. Because everyone knows that I'm a sleepy drunk and I just wanna cuddle and pass out, and I knew if I drank more than was safe, no one would check on me because me sleeping is normal. Because I'm a responsible drunk, who cuts myself off and drinks a fuckton of water and eats during and after drinking and makes sure everyone else stops at an appropriate limit and drinks water too, and everyone knows this and so no one really monitors me anymore.

If it weren't for the fact that my boyfriend hadn't gone out with us, and was sober, and stayed awake for when I got back to campus, I think it's safe to say I would be dead.

And the mood has passed, and I don't feel like killing myself right now, but if I'm being honest, part of me is disappointed I'm not dead.

I called my therapist. I've scheduled an intake appointment at the hospital for the partial program. I'm calling my parents tomorrow and letting them know what's up. It's a lot of effort and I don't really feel like it because yeah, I'd like to be dead please, but. I have class, and work, and my boyfriend and my qpp, and my friends. And I can't have those and be dead. So there's that at least.

 

Aw hell. Hugs, if you want them, Idiomie. That's really, really rough.

I'm glad he was awake, and knew something was off, and that you're going to take steps to get help. You can definitely get through this, I believe in you, too.

 

Something that's still fucking me up about last night is my memory of it and my ... emotional oscillation (?).

So my memory of last night? I had a great time! I remember everything pretty clearly up until I started drinking again, and while the first few parties being broken up sucked, I was in a great mood and having fun. I'd dressed up as a fairy, and felt very pretty, and everyone was respectful of my pronouns, and it was so nice to be going out and partying again, something I haven't done since I started dating Ariel.

And when I woke up this morning? I was chipper! I felt good, I remembered having fun last night. I needed a shower and probably some more sleep, but I was good.

I didn't ... actually remember trying to kill myself at first. Which. Considering I didn't remember trying to kill myself my junior year until last year (nearly two years later), this isn't exactly unheard of for me.

It wasn't until my boyfriend and I went to get lunch, and we met up with the friends I went out with and some other friends, and we all started sharing stories about last night that I remembered deciding to drink again (and why). And at the time, I was lowkey horrified with myself, because hello, I know this depression will end on it's own, and I've set things in motion to make my life better in the next few weeks, and I? enjoyed?? the party??? Me @ myself, what were you thinking?!

And Forest had offhandedly mentioned that he did not have a good time last night, and I was starting to remember him trying to take me to the hospital, and I was actually pretty glad I wasn't dead! And when we went back to his room, we talked and he told me he wasn't going to forbid me from drinking or whatever, but I needed to be more careful in the future. And I said yeah, it was an accident, I got caught up in drinking at the party and will try not to do so in the future. (I didn't know I had told him to let me die, especially since I still don't remember this. And I wasn't ready to tell him it was actually a suicide attempt.) (Actually, the only person I've told is my therapist and the forum. But Forest knows I've been varying degrees of suicidal these past few weeks, and about what happened in class Wednesday, so. I suspect he's put two and two together.)

And then he told me about what I'd said, I think because he thought I was being too blase about, yknow, nearly dying. Which, to be fair, I definitely was, because even when I'm not suicidal, I'm still not particularly attached to staying alive so my reaction was kinda on the order of lol whoops. I still haven't figured out the part where people actually want to be alive and enjoy life or whatever. It's a work in progress. :/

And then my mood crashed, and I was upset that it hadn't worked and upset because I'd upset Forest by doing this and somehow succeeding would have been better because then I wouldn't be able to continue upsetting him or. something idk.

And now I'm back to feeling relatively even, and am somewhere between upset because "what the fuck. why do I do this." and just too drained to actually care.

I want to be on my meds and not have to deal with my ridiculous mood instability, tbh. Never mind evening things out so I'm not depressed, just end the abrupt and drastic mood swings please.

 

Everything is terrible and I can't tell my therapist just yet because I know she's going to go for immediate hospitalization and I Cannot Do That right now. I am aware that a decent portion of my bad mood right now is because my brain would not shut the fuck up last night until about 4:30 am and I got up at 6 to do my boyfriend's make up (and also his alarm is the worst I hate it so much every time it goes off I am filled with rage oh my god). I didn't even properly sleep between 4:30 and 6, I just kinda drifted and finally started to relax and then that fucking alarm went off and then he turned on the goddamn lights.

I can't decide if I'm depressed and tired as shit and Done(tm) with everything emotionally, or if I am super fucking pissed and ready to scream at everybody and everything. As, those are the only two emotional settings I have right now, and I do not appear to have any control over which one I'm feeling.

Actually, there is a third emotional setting: Physically Ill With Anxiety.

I think I've yelled at my boyfriend twice already, and I feel awful because I know he doesn't deserve it and yet. In the moment, I cannot get control of my emotions.

I went onto my ex-girlfriend's tumblr, which I unfollowed when we broke up and she posted a very hurtful thing, because I know she's the type to vague blog and I wanted to see what she was saying, knowing it would hurt me. I was also right. Does this count as emotional self harm, probably but idk. I did this around 1 or 2 am? And it took like 2 hours to calm down from the ensuing anxiety attack. I didn't even find anything particularly awful, why do I care.

That is also probably contributing to my bad mood.

I'm getting breakfast with my boyfriend. I'm going to class. I'm talking to the AC. I'm seeing my therapist. Four things to do today. I can do it.

 

You can get through this, it's tough, but you can see it. You're strong enough to handle this, to make it back out the other side.

( If his alarm is Hella Bad, I'm pretty sure it's okay to ask if he can swap it to a different sound. )

Just hang on, and keep your lines of communication open. If you're able to, maybe crash out and nap later? Like, legit, it might help hit the emotional reset button a bit. ( It can for me, anyway? )

Good luck with your appointments! You can do it!

 

Skipped breakfast, I was too sick to keep anything down and very definitely on the edge of an anxiety attack. So I just sat quietly and did breathing exercises and paced until my 8 am.

Made it through four out my five classes today. Didn't do a great job paying attention, but I was present. Debating skipping my last class, because I have a quiz in it and I am. Not ready. On the other hand, you can only skip so many classes before its an automatic F and I am potentially missing a lot of class soon. On the other hand, failing this quiz will not help me. (I think this is the part where I talk to my professors but like. How do.)

Texted Forest. He immediately said we can pick a new alarm after our classes today. I'm grateful that he takes things like this seriously, but now I feel like I'm just blowing this out of proportion and taking advantage of him. Even though an alarm that wakes me up by setting off fight/flight in me is not okay.

Still nauseous and my chest hurts, but less upset than earlier. I'm going to try to eat something for lunch. I'm trying to decide if I want to talk to the AC first, or after. (Probably first? The anxiety will make eating difficult, plus I don't want to talk long and "I need lunch" is a good out.)

(I'm telling him that I haven't slept in my room since Tuesday, that Ariel locked me in the bathroom Thursday, and that I have reason to believe she has stolen make up from me. Fuck. I can't do this.)

Seeing the therapist at five. She's gonna help me fill out the form for disability accommodations (that's tomorrow oh god oh god) and then I'm calling my parents.

I'll probably try for a nap, but idk how much that'll work. I normally have a nap built into my day, but my brain is just full of so much background noise right now. Keeping myself awake until bedtime so that I'm exhausted is an option, but probably not a very safe one. :/

 

If there's potential to miss more time for mental health reasons, I'd hope your school would understand and accommodate - I mean, there is a definite incentive for them to not be dicks about it, but I don't know your school so I can't help look into it.

If you think you can handle the quiz, I'd try to go?

If AC first helps anxiety, I agree, that would probably be good to go to first.

Napping... I dunno. I've managed to get myself to finally sleep after being in absolute rage mode, and managed to reset, but honestly I would recommend doing anything that you find grounding or calming. ( Even if it can be a bitch to make it work. I tend to try and throw on random ghost shows and stuff for background noise, because ??? I'm used to using it as study background noise, I guess, so I use it as work, now, too. )

 

I'm up and about, so I'm going to class, but I'm honestly expecting a D at best.

Re: absences, the ones for partial will be excused, I'm more concerned about missing class in general and know I'm getting pretty close to the number of allowable unexcused absences.

The AC was not in his office, I've checked twice now. I put eyes on him on my way to lunch, and he looked pretty harried. I think there's something going on event wise at my college? But idk

I think I'm going to pace instead of nap, because I'm not sure napping would be good for me and pacing is always pretty comforting.

Wound up sitting next to Ariel for lunch, because it was where all our friends are. The last time I did this, she was deeply offended and I'm aware that normally this would be distressing to me but right now I just. don't care. Made conversation with a friend, ignored her, it went okay.

Didn't really eat, though. Going to try again after class.

 

So I just got a text. From Ariel. Telling me "just fyi, it's a fineable offense to move without being approved"

It's whatever. It's all fucking whatever.

I'm seeing my therapist instead of going to class. I am not okay

 

At this point, I would block her number. She's just trying to start shit at this point, imho. It's passive aggression in her text dialed up to 11, and you don't need to deal with her bs on top of everything else. Her level of actually knowing what is going on is hella low - and personally it should stay that way. The stuff she's pulled and the way she's manipulated you is awful.

If it's mental health related re the absences prior, you might be able to talk to the professors? I can't give much advice there, since I was too intimidated to talk to mine until senior year, orz.

 

Your psych might be able to get you a note for today?

 

My therapist is taking me to the hospital. And calling my mom. My mom is going to hate me. I don't know what I'm doing

 

Witnessed. i hope the hospital helps, it sounds like you're having a really rough time right now. the hospital can feel like a big scary step, but for me at least it ended up being incredibly restful. also Ariel sounds like a mega douche.

 

Heck. Okay, stay safe, we're rooting for you! And.... personally, I think what you're doing is trying to make the best choices you can to take care of yourself, right now. Stay strong, you'll get through this!

 

So I'm home now. Got discharged instead of doing either the inpatient or the partial programs because my insurance won't cover the hospital at my college (it's out of network). Came home and I'm going to go to the hospital in my home town.

My mom was in fact mad at me because the insurance won't cover the hospital I went to. And when she arrived, she gave me her same little spiel about how everybody gets sad and I was just overreacting. I ... was very very angry about this. I had her stay in when the intake counselor arrived and started asking questions because even though I normally don't want her anywhere near me and therapy, I wanted her to here the questions I was being asked and what my answers were. (Things I have just realized my mother may not have known: that I was suicidal at 13/14; that I tried to kill myself my junior year of high school; that the first time I felt not depressed and unbalanced since I was 14 was last October.)

I also went into kinda pornographic detail about my suicide attempt. Because I don't think my mother realized that this wasn't just "I tried to kill myself," it was "I should dead. I should be FUCKING DEAD."

My mom and I haven't actually spoken since then. She cried and tried not to let me know she was crying. I feel a little bad but mostly idk. I'm so tired of her not taking my depression seriously. And I'm annoyed that literally trying to kill myself on it's own wasn't enough to make it clear that this is a problem for me.

I hadn't actually told Dove about Saturday until I went to the hospital. I didn't remember until Sunday, sure, and then I didn't tell her because she's had some emotional awfulness going on and I didn't want to make it worse. I meant to tell her early this morning and. Literally just forgot. In retrospect, I should have told her Sunday when I remembered and I feel kinda bad about that. I didn't want to hurt her, but I think I hurt her more by waiting to tell her.

Forest came with me to the hospital and was there for me basically the entire time. I'm so grateful, because I don't think I could have handled my mother on my own like that. He didn't actually say anything to her, but just knowing that he was there and that he wouldn't dismiss what was happening as me exaggerating made a huge difference. If I'd had my phone and been in touch with Dove, I think I would've been fine, but they took my phone, so.

Cars make me sleepy and I slept on the drive home. It was about two hours and while I'm tired again, it was good to finally take a nap. My older younger sister hugged me tight and cried for a little while, but now both she and my father are being cheerful, and focusing on the positives, and giving me some space. It's nice. I don't want to talk about Saturday or my depression in general with them yet, because I literally spent three hours at the hospital doing that, but I'm going to. (It probably helps that my relationships with them are pretty good. I have never, for example, doubted that my father loves me.)

My two younger siblings are 11 and 9. I'm not going to tell them I tried to kill myself, because I think that's a bit young, especially when the only things I can think to say are really off-color jokes mocking me for not succeeding. Not appropriate. But I do want them to know that I'm home because I'm depressed, and that I was hurting myself, and that I need to be here to get help. I don't want to teach them that this is something to hide in the closet that can't be spoken about.

(It's terrifying to think that my youngest sister is only two years away from when I first wanted to kill myself. Alcoholism runs in my family on both sides, which is a pretty fair indication of other mental illnesses tbh, and I've suspected for a while that my mother suffers from some kind of depressive disorder. Plus I have bipolar. I'm afraid my siblings will struggle like I do.)

I'm taking a week off of college. There's only five weeks left in this semester and I have pretty good grades, so my therapist thinks I can handle it. I probably won't be back on campus until next Wednesday. I'm emailing my teachers tomorrow to ask them for homework while I'm gone so I don't get behind. (I realize that I left three text books back at school. Whoops.)

Dove and Forest are both super pissed at Ariel. She's spent the last few weeks pretty intentionally pushing my buttons and setting me off and threatening me, and it definitely has taken it's toll and made this worse. I'm. I dunno, I'm mad at her because I think she's being an asshole, but I don't think this is really her fault, per se. It's because I'm depressed and suicidal to begin with. And it's not like I've been telling her what's going on, because after she made fun of my mental illness on tumblr when we broke up, I just don't trust her with that kind of information anymore. I'm afraid she'll make fun of me for trying to kill myself and I still care a lot about what she says, even though I'm trying not to. I'm too tired to be upset that she's mad at me for problems of her own making, though.

In other news, Ariel is potentially getting kicked off of the allies club. I'm it's VP and she's our media coordinator. I haven't done anything to threaten her position, but she's apparently been doing shit to piss off the president, Queer Cat. Today, Queer Cat asked me for the people who had told me that Ariel had corrected my pronouns (Forest and N, Ariel's boyfriend) and wanted to know if he could talk to them because he's making a list of things Ariel has done and he wanted to personally confirm this. I told him [N] almost certainly wouldn't agree (without indicating who N was) but did pass along the question to him. He refused, as I expected. He also told Ariel about it, and she appears to think I am masterminding some coup d'etat, with Queer Cat doing my bidding.

This is not my problem. I'm just not responding to her about this. I think it's kinda funny she's blaming me for this, when I literally have told everyone except Forest, Mama Cat, and AAA (because AAA is my friend, and Forest's best friend, and helps run a support group with Queer Cat) that I didn't want to talk about her. Is it terrible that I feel smug that she's bitched about me to anyone who would listen, and I haven't spoken to them, and they've apparently told her off without me needing to do anything?

I wasn't going to tell her I was leaving for a week, but I did end up telling her I wasn't coming back to the room for at least a week. She sent me a text threatening to get the RA involved. Dude, the RA already knows because I got fucking hospitalized, like chill out.

This meandered a lot, but I'm too tired to make this more coherent. Sorry. I'm going to bed.

 

Hell, I'm not sure what I can say, but I'm damn glad you're getting some of this sorted out - I'm sorry that it got as difficult as it has, and that it took so much to get your mother to understand. I hope you'll be able to use the time away to relax and breathe. I'm rooting for you, Idiomie!

 

@Zin don't worry about it, I'm not really sure what anyone can say or what I'd even want them to. Knowing there are people rooting for me is good enough. :)

Today was actually pretty good! I slept until noon and then I had my first shower since Thursday and wow, I felt so much better after that.

My medication is being filled either tonight or tomorrow. My mother is paying for it. I'm honestly surprised? I kinda thought she wouldn't want to. She's also mad at me that I didn't withdraw money from my savings account for tuition back when I first knew I was going to have to pay off the deductible. In retrospect, I kinda wish I had too, but at the time I thought I could manage a few weeks, because I'd had to spend a month off my meds over the summer (because my mother refused to drive me the two hours to see my psychiatrist, who's based in the area where my college is). And this was back when my psychiatrist was still covered by our insurance. Since I didn't try to kill myself then, and I was under a lot of stress because of my job and I wasn't seeing my therapist (because she's also at the college), I thought I'd be fine for a little while at least. And I was worried that if I took out the money, because I still didn't have a job then and was $600 short, that I wouldn't be able to get enough to cover my tuition.

Getting the prescription finally sent to the pharmacy took like two hours and calling my insurance, the pharmacy, and my psychiatrist like six different times. But! It's done.

Also, I called the partial hospitalization program at the hospital that my insurance will cover. The lady on the line told me it could take as long as a week and a half for my request to be processed and for me to be admitted, which. Scared the bejesus out of me, because if I don't start partial until next Wednesday, and it lasts a week, then I'm out of school for three weeks and have to drop out for this semester. However! After the intake interview, the lady said that she would put a rush on my request and recommend that I be seen even earlier, but no promises.

Someone from PHP called me around 4 and let me know my request has been processed, I've been admitted and I start Thursday. I am very very grateful to that first woman I called, because this means I'm only missing the max two weeks my school will allow, so I don't have to drop out.

Queer Cat told me not to worry about anything going on with Ariel socially and that he'd "handle it." It kinda sounds like even more things have happened since we talked last night, but. I'm not gonna worry about it. He'll take care of it and I'm not a part of it.

My therapist is handling talking to the Dean and the AC for me right now, but I need to call the Dean and email the AC sometime tomorrow. But I can do that tomorrow.

My cat has not left my side since I got home last night. Which wasn't too unusual, he usually follows me around when I visit and I get texts all the time that he missed me, but I mean he has not left my side. The furthest physical distance we've been apart has been the length of our couch. He followed me into the bathroom and stayed in there while I showered, which is something I don't think he's ever done before (I used to be really allergic to cat dander, so once a week they (he and his sister) used to get washed in the shower; they hate it and pretty much avoid bathrooms with showers at all costs now). I think he knows something went wrong, and I scared him. I actually feel pretty bad, because he's a cat, so I have no way of explaining to him that I'm getting help and will be okay.

My brother gave me some of his Halloween candy. It was really sweet and I ended up crying for like a minute and half because I'm just really emotional right now, I guess.

I'm feeling pretty good, all things considered.