You will rue the dark miracle you have unfurled I think with vicious glee as I unwrap what is likely my third pudding in one night. Only four were in the cardboard caddy and they were bought only three hours ago. They were supposed to last at least a week. This is not an uncommon train of activities on a night where I'm high as fuck and not mentally retrained by my anxiety. I'm out of real life friends; [I've been living away from my home state since 2013], I'm lonely as hell for friendship; [I don't regret leaving for a minute. New Jersey is a cynical hole of loud, rude, incredibly disenchanted people that did nothing but make me feel unwanted] and I'm unsure of how to fix this. I'm out of internet friends; [I left New Jersey in the name of following my heart and if I hadn't, I would be left alone with a woman who inches closer and closer to each character I've ever seen Leslie Mann play in a romantic comedy], my best friend that I met through Homestuck, tumblr, fanfiction, and writing, seems to have been swallowed up by her own anxiety the way all of us are; [I don't know how to help her anymore, let alone myself], I miss her terribly but anytime we try and talk anymore, all that happens is silence punctuated by attempts to pretend that anything else is still there. I try and I try and I try to reach out to friends from home, friends on facebook, one of the 500 blogs on tumblr I follow; [It's a community of lonely dorks united by fandoms, dada humor, and mental illness, of course I can find someone here! I cannot.] I try to be outgoing, I try to reach out and begin conversation, but none of us know how anymore. I wonder if this has to do with either some of us constantly glued to our screens in the hope that the little optimistic comics that get circulated of hearts through laptops, bleeding your heart out through your words in text boxes that don't need to be filtered, avatars allowing themselves to feel because all feels are valid in a way that the people who see the mask but not the soul behind it. But those avatars in tiny urban cyber fairy tales drawn by the hopeful and circulated by the hundreds are not me. I am 27 and hoping this is not the year I die. If I live, I outlive Kurt Cobain, Janis Joplin, Amy Winehouse, all beautiful souls with more to offer than I do. They were at least able to finish something they created, they at least had the drive and fearlessness to not be a boring, deadeyed idiot like moi. I am Epithimia and I don't think I deserve to live. [For someone with 25 characters I really need to work on my comedy.]/lame white girl angsty bullshit.
[thumbs up in retort] Thank you very much, I like to think I'm not such a drama queen irl but most of what I believe has mostly been a stream of nonsense first act type dialogue in my head so I'm even sure how I'd come across irl anymore. Also your icon is very very cute, I haven't been on an actual forum since 2011 so finding one again was a schlep.
Thank you~ I really appreciate hearing that because I'm pretty sure I've never been called cool in my whole life lmao.
whispers I LOVE OCTOPI. If I could be an animal I'd be an octopus because they're really intelligent.
Your intro sentence made me laugh out loud and the rest of your post made me think. Welcome! Whenever anyone mentions Amy Winehouse I remember a moment from my grandfather's funeral. (This is not a sad story.) My grandfather had been buried and me and my sisters were trudging back through the burial ground to the car park. All of a sudden, my second-oldest sister grabbed my arm and said, "it's Amy Winehouse!" Lo and behold, a few metres ahead of us was Amy's spectacularly glam black-marble-and-hot-pink headstone. It was an inspiring sight.
hey isolation sucks a lot, and it's so hard to try and deal with on your own. and- when we got friends of similar ilk to ourselves, it's next to impossible to help dig them and yourself out of similar pits at the same time, isn't it? you're totally not being a drama queen- you sound a lot like me in a lotta respects! especially the octopus love (tho i am primarily a squid girl, cephlapods overall are GR8) have you got any other fandoms you're currrently interested in? *makes plans to go buy pudding for herself before she heads home*
Oh my god that's absolutely amazing. I was so in love with her music for most of high school and it didn't even occur to me that she wouldn't pull through... and then she didn't. I'm really happy I made you laugh though, I love making people laugh ^^
I've gotten addicted to the kozy shack vailla pudding with the vanilla bean specs in it, it's their rice pudding without the rice and I always stick whipped cream on it because it's like a mini sundae. And yes, fandoms, I kind of cling onto One Punch Man, Gravity Falls, Madoka, Hannibal, Homestuck, Steven Universe, most sports anime like Oofuri, Haikyuu, Kuroko No Basket, Yowapeda), I really like Game Grumps (Danny's from the same area I grew up), Todd in teh Shadows, Brad Jones, Phelous and Lupa. There's probably more but I'm just thinking offhand.
You wouldn't happen to be a fellow refugee from the TGWTG fandom would you? #one time Brad Jones tried to get into my room #true story #apparently he couldn't recall which hotel room he was trying to get to and had resorted to trying every room on the floor #i have no idea why i suddenly remembered and felt like sharing this story
