god same fucking hat. i remember panicking about this at 15, and i was not brought up with any kind of fear like this.
Ha. Same hat. I also get existential terror about nothing I do meaning anything and since nothing means anything why not just die now? Just get it over with. Some of the coping mechanisms or thoughts included meditation on a few ideas. For the whole oblivion issue, I find this section of Socrates' Apology good to meditate on (ironic since pretty much the rest of Socrates really rubs me the wrong way): And if it's difficult to parse that (which I DEEPLY understand), the tl;dr is: If death is really just oblivion, then it's pretty much the same thing as a deep, dreamless night's sleep. And that is one of the nicest things in life, and so if it is true, then eternity will pass just like a single night.
Of course, then there's the problem that I can't find the balance between terrifying and tempting with the idea. "Not now" is not a thing my brain understands at the best of times - I have massive problems with delayed gratification. Even at my best I want to know NOW NOW NOW even though I know that's impossible, and at my worst I can't decide how to feel.
(awkwardly balancing an infinite regression of idential hats) So I don't believe in an afterlife. I'm sensible enough to know that nobody can *prove* there's no such thing, but I'm confident enough about it not existing that I live my life under the assumption that when I die, that's it, game over man, game over. And this is occasionally terrifying. I'll be driving down the freeway and all of the sudden I'll think about what would happen if there was a massive wreck, and I was crushed under 60 tons worth of vehicles, and I died. I'd never get to hear my favorite song again, or cuddle with my girlfriend, or write those books I keep meaning to finish, or watch the sunset from the back porch. It's... not an existential terror, exactly, I guess. More an existential melancholy, the sudden certainty that everything, all of this, is temporary, and one day I'll never get to experience it again. But then I start thinking. I mean, I won't exist. So I won't know that I'm missing anything. I'll just... not be, the same as before I was born. And that's also sort of terrifying, but oddly liberating as well. No matter how badly I fuck up, eventually I'm not going to ever have to remember my fuckups again. Every bad decision I've ever made, everyone I've ever hurt, every humiliating memory of my own ignorance and incompetence... in 10,000 years none of that will matter. And of course, I'm well medicated right now, so I'm mostly enjoying life and am in no hurry to get it over with, but... yeah, I think at least intellectually I'm okay with the inevitability of death and dissolution. And hey, maybe I'm wrong!
I'm getting better at dealing with this but the problem is I know my life coach who's helping me with my anxiety issue is an atheist and I fear I'll be judged if I say the thought terrifies me. I know it's her job not to judge, but yeah. It's causing a problem because I come to websites with calming info on so I can find a totally safe environment, but then I rabbit-hole down the links and half the day's gone. I've got it more under control and it'll probably fade when I start working and have less time to do that, but it's causing trouble now.
