Preface: I am ~21. I'm in college in two STEM fields and getting really good grades. There are a lot of people who like to talk to me. I'm on antidepressant/anti-anxiety medication and have the ability to keep my head out of the water when the nasty makes its periodic appearance again. The problem is, I also feel like the world would be a better place if I just quietly snuck out the back door. Um... Some of this might fit on the abuse board, but it's from the past, the problem now is in my own head. I'm also aware there's a lot of depression!logic going on, so help sorting the rational from the irrational would be nice. From what I can remember, in high school the person people came to for relationship (platonic or not) advice. I came into college wildly depressed and immediately got roped into an abusive relationship which I then couldn't get out of for a long time. (I am dfab, he was a cis guy, thinly repainted traditional gender dynamics were part of the trap.) He was a very pro-warfare, pro-aggression person, and would go off on long rants (although he would never admit anger, just that he was Right and I was Not Right) all the time. I finally managed to break away because he left to do Basic Training, with a nice parting gift of sexual assault. (Fall 2015) I feel like that experience is what made me start being a hurtful person. Somewhere in that fiasco, I messed up my roommate's groove by being depressed and in shock, which I didn't know and didn't bite me in the ass until later (fall 2016.) I also had a really confusing breakup with one of my former best friends. After the second unfriending, I started over picking through ny personality to try to figure out what's wrong with me. Since the summer, I've been having intermittent anger (or panic?) issues. It usually happens at most twice in a week, usually less. In the moment, I might scream and shout. Less frequently, I've grabbed someone and tried to move them. I usually realize what's happening within 60 seconds of starting, and will apologize for the inappropriate behavior and [exit stage left] to go cool down. It makes me feel terrified because I lost control of how I was acting. This pattern is one of the reasons my ex-roommate decided to break off our friendship. I also have taken a policy of asking friends not to talk about the latest antics of 45 and friends while I'm there bc it makes it hard for me to maintain a minimum level of function over top of general despair. We end up talking about it anyway some of the time, but if I didn't pretty much every conversation would end up with that topic. Yesterday I was at a casual group talk with one of the ed studies professors (not one I would end up talking to normally) who is a lesbian and long-standing activist. After I mentioned something related to not being able to mentally deal with hearing about politics all the time, she used it as an example of why we ended up where we are. I felt really weak and pathetic after the talk, like I wasn't good enough to take up space in other people's socializing. I guess there are some other things at play, but the basic problem is that I see all these patterns in my behavior that I'm not strong enough to overcome right away, and how they make it hard for people who care about me, and I wish I could be someone else so they'd never encounter the bad parts of me again.
oh man, this is kind of like what I'm trying to deal with, a harmful pattern of behavior that I don't feel strong enough to overcome. it sounds almost like you're dissociating when you do this behavior. I think you're stronger than you might believe, but this is the kind of thing it's best to get assistance with. Are you seeing any kind of therapist? also, what that professor said was pretty out of line and honestly cruel. even if she's not familiar with your mental health (which is a valid reason for not being able to do activism or politics and stuff), it's pretty nasty to tell someone to their face that they're what's wrong with the world. I'm sorry she said that to you. I hope you can figure out what's going on and I hope you can feel a little better
Thanks. On some reflection, I don't think dissociation is the right word. Everything I feel during the episodes is hyperexaggerated and very, very real, which is part of why having it is scary. I had a conversation with a friend who's seen it and also Seen Some Shit Before, and we think it's a PTSD thing. It seems to happen most often when I'm exposed to libertarianism (not what my ex claimed to be, but what he was) or Anti-Choice propaganda (reminds me of the feeling of being trapped). I think I also have a similar reaction when people touch or move my stuff, especially food, which has been going on for longer because sibling arguments of the "my brother never shuts up about what an unworthy human being I am" variety. I do see a therapist, but my school apparently doesn't understand that we need about twice as many of them as we have, so I only get to see her once a month instead of every other week. The prof didn't say that in so many words, to give her credit, but yeah. I realized that at the time, but I was so shocked I couldn't clarify, and it also would have meant mental-illness-outing myself to a bunch of people in my department...
Okay yeah that definitely sounds like a ptsd thing School psychs do what they can, but personally I got much better results from finding someone off campus
Okay, a couple things. First off I sort of get where you're coming from with the anger thing. I'm pretty severely clinically depressed and every so often I'll get these... emotional flareups, I guess, where I either get really really angry or really really fucking miserable. Had one just a few days ago. But I'm curious; what kind of things are you feeling in the moment when you're so angry? For me it's something like my thoughts won't shut up and they just build and build and build until I feel like the only way to vent them is screaming or punching a wall or something. (Don't punch walls btw. Ouch.) Is it something like that? or is it different? Because it may be a depression thing, but it also sounds a lot like a PTSD thing and I have zero personal experience with that. The professor sounds like a bit of a shit. I can kind of see where she was coming from RE: political disengagement, but using you as an example during a talk like that was *way* out of line. Also I feel you on the "wish I were someone else" bit. But guess what? You can in fact be someone else. You can be a better version of yourself. But that's fucking hard and takes a long time and a lot of incremental steps, all of which is made that much harder by the depression and anxiety. So my advice would be to worry a little bit less about other people right now and a little bit more about yourself. You mentioned medication? If you're comfortable sharing that information, which are you on and what doses? Because a change in medication and a visit to a therapist outside the school might be in order. (If you're not comfortable sharing that with a random stranger on the internet I completely understand.)
@Southe-lands When I feel really angry to the point of one of those fits, it usually comes from fear. For example: I find people spouting libertarian political views as threatening as someone physically trying to assault me because I associate them with. ...Wait. I literally associate them with being touched non-consentually, because I remember my ex using views. This is not a conclusion I would have reached any other way. I'm on 150mg Elavil a day. I have severe/bizarre and difficult to explain in media res migraines, so it also helps with those... but there are probably other issues I'm not thinking of with it.
