Fic quotes for the soul

BaseDeltaZero · Mar 23, 2023 at 4:14 AM

I can't tell if ChatGPT is the protagonist because of it's extreme plot armor, or if Stockfish is the protagonist because it won despite the incredible plot armor. Either way, this was an incredible anime and I recommend it to everyone.
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ChelG · Apr 1, 2023 at 2:12 PM

When asked why he held such rage against the creature, he simply said the reason was “unimportant” and that he “vwouldn’t rest until that wvile monstrosity’s head was blown off, bronzed, and hangin above [his] fireplace”, never specifying which head he meant. Additionally, he seemed to ignore the fact that the Eriferiathan’s heads are several feet in diameter, likely weigh several hundred pounds, and are generally poor choices for mantle decoration.
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ChelG · Apr 5, 2023 at 6:11 PM

CALIBORN: WHAT, JUST BECAUSE I CAN LAY EGGS. YOU THINK THAT MEANS I LAY EGGS ALL THE TIME? RACIST.
CALIBORN: I'M NOT ACCUSING YOU. OF "BIRTHING" A HUMAN BABY AS WE SPEAK. NOW AM I.
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ChelG · Apr 6, 2023 at 11:16 PM

I like this version of Cronus; he has something to his motives, while his behaviour is still reprehensible and acknowledged as such.

“I want you to tell me, in wordth, why the hell you keep harathing Mituna when you know he doethn’t like it and you know he wanth you to thtop.”

“I don’t know!” Maybe you don’t know and maybe do know and you don’t want to think about it. Because thinking that all you need to do to get old Mituna back is surprise new Mituna sufficiently is pretty stupid and absolutely not what you thought would happen. Maybe what you hoped would happen, but hope is stupid and even you know that ain’t happening. Maybe you were jealous of Mituna. Even half-broken he’s still better than you according to everyone.
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ChelG · Apr 12, 2023 at 8:53 PM

I insisted my friends work a particular shoutout into an interrogation/sabotage scene we did. I'm disappointed our readers didn't notice it so I'm bringing it to people who will.

He forces himself to sound forced, as he feeds the man just nine lines:

No, no! She’s not a police officer, I swear! and What? There’s no investigation! Nobody knows I’m here! and It’s not a military - er, police - operation! I meant police!

And

The woman who brought me here? Of course I don’t know her, and Well… maybe we’ve met a few times, and It’s not a sting operation! Do I look like an undercover cop to you?

And

I mean, I know they’re cracking down on bride trafficking, but… that isn’t what you’re doing here, is it? and This isn’t like what happened to Sister Ping, I swear! There are no other- There are no officers!

Don’t lie to me! Tell me how many of them there are!

I’m not lying! I’m not! There aren’t… Niú Ěrduǒ stops and sighs. … two thousand, three hundred… and nine.

He’s quite proud of the “nine”.
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ChelG · Apr 16, 2023 at 2:54 PM

Troll accents!

"I told yoh!" Terezi said, cackling. "I sayd it was Kahnite of Time ages ago!"

"Theerey eyes a G ein aight!" Karkat shouted, looking furious. "Whayt thee fyook woe-oold theerey be a G ein aight for, eif you'rey note supposeyd toe say aight?"

"I dunno, dude," Dave said, his laughs quieting to a snicker. "I didn't invent the English language. Actually, technically speakin', you did. So you tell me, Vantas: why did you include a G if you're not supposed to say it?"
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ChelG · Apr 28, 2023 at 5:07 PM

She really is beautiful. Impossibly so. The most gorgeous woman in the world really can’t do it for you, but as an appreciator of fine things, you know Snowman is beautiful, in the sort of way that makes you think that if there’s a Heaven, you wouldn’t mind sitting down for a chat with God after it’s all over about how he could make something like her. You’re glad you’re old and tired. It’s nice to be able to look at a beautiful woman and just think, it’s nice that someone who looks like that exists, instead of feeling like she should be getting your motor revving and maybe the fact that she don’t means it’s broken. It's nice to be too worn-out to care anymore.
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Deresto · Apr 28, 2023 at 7:41 PM

That, was an excellent fic. I don't really even go to Homestuck anymore but I love me a good diamonds droog fic.

ChelG · May 10, 2023 at 8:28 AM

CG: I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT YOU DON'T EVEN NOTICE THAT YOUR HIVE IS FLIRTING WITH YOU.

TG: ((...... wat))

CG: AND THAT IT'S WORKING.
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ChelG · May 15, 2023 at 9:00 PM

Tired and true Dave Strider, last of the Strider line, strong in the Force and facing off against Darth Frater
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ChelG · Jul 6, 2023

Let’s see an example of this, shall we?

Belladonna Took’s brother Hildigrim was married to Bungo Baggins’ first cousin Rosa, and it was at Hildigrim and Rosa’s smial for brunch that Belladonna Took first worked up the courage to proposition Bungo Baggins. She did it by tilting her chair slightly towards him at an angle of twenty degrees more than was appropriate and how she ate her cake, announcing her interest in beginning a romantic courtship – possibly with a heated sexual fling on the side – that might even end in marriage.

Belladonna Took crossed her legs and pointed her toes and flipped her hair in some very scandalous ways that day. The detail of each action was crucial, and positively filthy in meaning, but are unfortunately too many and too finite and too sexually deviant to properly describe.

But hardly anything could have been more scandalous than how Bungo Baggins replied. What with how he tapped his teaspoon on the eastward rim of his teacup, wriggled his toes twice, and reached for a scone with his left hand, making sure to leave exactly two ninths of tea left in his cup when he bit into the scone.

Bungo’s Aunt Pansy was so shocked that she fainted. Gerontius Took, Belladonna’s father, looked like he was going to throw up. Because the Baggins boy had just admitted to many years of hopeless infatuation and a desire to begin the courtship immediately, along with a deep admiration for Belladonna’s adventurous soul and (extremely inappropriately, dear hills, there had been elderly hobbits and teenagers present) the sensual curve of her ears and toes.

Conversation continued more or less as normal in the spoken ways, if through gritted teeth, but a great many silent arguments and confrontations took place in the meanwhile. A hobbit could not, after all, properly call themselves a hobbit unless they were able to notice such small changes in body language and divide their attention enough to maintain an unspoken conversation across the room while eavesdropping on everyone else.

Bungo’s mother Laura took to furiously telling off her son for his inappropriate allusions and insinuations by elaborately pouring herself another cup of tea.

Belladonna’s brother Isengrim expressed his displeasure with such a class mismatch by cutting his cake with the left fork prong twice over at the upper right-hand edge, then listening off a slew of terribly coarse insults to the entire Baggins family by the crossing of his legs.

Bungo’s brother Longo called Bungo a disgrace to their name by blowing in his puce handkerchief at the bottom right-hand center of it.

And Belladonna’s father, Gerontius Took, the Thain of the Shire, made vague ramblings of calling up the Bounders to sort out (and make disappear) this “impertinent, lawless, perverted boy” by how he fiercely and dexterously puffed into his pipe.
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There is a dwarf that has – using his knock, barging entrance, dusty boot prints, and eating of Bilbo’s own meal – claimed new ownership of Bag End from Bilbo according to nine of the twenty-two traditions that haven’t been commonly or widely used since the times of Bullroarer Took.

He has also, through many of his gestures, called Bilbo’s home a rotting pile of tastelessness, become engaged to himself, insulted Bilbo’s dinnerware set by deeming it unworthy of a duckling, told Bilbo that his carpets need more salt, and propositioned a service of sexual acts between them.
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Deresto · Jul 17, 2023 at 4:00 PM

From bees don't buzz during an eclipse, a Sakura-centric Naruto fic where she gets crocodile summons

She’s desperately hoping for some sort of break from the monotony, before the door opens and Ino’s dad shoves some homeless man into her room and closes her (still) broken door.
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Best description of kakashi I've seen yet

ChelG · Jul 18, 2023 at 2:46 PM

Although the attackers were outnumbered, the vampire's speed was that of ten men. Of course, that only meant it was on equal footing when she fights three lesbians at once.
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ChelG · Aug 5, 2023 at 4:00 PM

TT: You’re just upset because you have an ochinchin is the size of a tictac.
UU: SPEAK ENGLISH, ORANGE COWBOY. THIS IS AMERICA.
TT: Aren’t you British?
UU: MY MOM IS FROM ENGLAND, IT'S NOT THE SAME THING.
TT: Genetically, you’re British though.
TT: And ochinchin means penis, as in, your penis is the size of a tictac.
UU: HAH.
UU: THAT’S WHY YOUR MOTHER’S BREATH SMELLS SO GOOD.
TT: Damn, that was actually good.
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Deresto · Nov 29, 2023 at 9:29 PM

Lee turns his head, meets kohl-lined eyes glaring up at him as if he’d stepped on someone’s toes, or worse. His new companion motions for Lee to duck down, so he dutifully does. Perhaps he’s blocked this small stranger’s vision. He worries over this right until the guy murmurs in his ear.

“I knew you didn’t fucking like Oingo Boingo. Stop hogging the barricade.”
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I haven't read this fic but the description alone had me giggling

TheSeer · Jan 19, 2024 at 9:18 PM

this was kind of messed up for him to die to an enemy he’s not even friends with!
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TheSeer · Jan 20, 2024 at 9:32 PM

Author's note quote:

for real don't pressure wash people even if they do tell you they trained with batman
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Deresto · Jun 14, 2024

Basic summary added by author at the end of the most recent chapter of this fic, made me giggle:

Sakura, seeing Sai struggle with basic social interactions and miss every social cue: That's my new blorbo.
Kakashi, wishing she'd just play the SIMS: no.
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vuatson · Nov 4, 2024 at 12:42 AM

Perhaps it was philosophical, actually. He would have to word this cautiously.

Shang Qinghua began to very carefully spew nonsense. “I would remember that the, hm, chasms in life are not as wide as we think they are! That as we seek to bridge them, we would also take care not to, um, overshoot our goals! You see, it is never impossible for two people to come together, and know each other, despite the size of our, uh, obstacles. I think it, as always, is about accommodating one another. Ah! But even then, I wouldn’t be too quick to assume that we are doomed to hurt each other, and to, um, face these challenges in our partnership. There are so many methods that might, ah, ease the way in one’s coupling. Flexibility in a relationship is important! For both parties! Perhaps my partner could, you know, reach out to me first. Oh! Or perhaps we might become accustomed to our differences, and with time, find the pleasure with the pain. And because the act of my love is so hypothetically immense, perhaps we could even, uh, um...”

Shang Qinghua didn’t know how to phrase this. Ah, fuck it!

“Perhaps... we could even purchase MEIYIN by Madam Meiyin Anal Training Kit for Beginners available exclusively at the Succubus Cave, Mountain Peak location?”
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sorry this just made me cackle out loud XD

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Fic quotes for the soul

BaseDeltaZero Shitposting all night.

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