First dates, gender traits and sexuality/attraction weirdness - thoughts/opinions/analysis?

Hey, so, as some of you might have seen on the Skype, I recently started using OKCupid again, with somewhat more success than in the past - today, for the first time ever in my life, I had a proper date, with somebody who I'd met on there. I've just spent a while talking about it and some of the thoughts it raised on Skype, and so I'm just going to paste over that recounting/explanation and a bit of the following talk to sum it all up (all people quoted are quoted with permission):

Okay, so, I'm pretty tired right now and so don't really want to elaborate too much, but I think most of my thoughts and what's on my mind was covered there.

I guess, I'm kind of hoping that some people might be able to provide their thoughts/perspective/analysis/insight on any of this that they feel they can. Especially people who are more familiar with this sort of stuff in general. I kinda feel sorta weird about a lot of it, and want some help picking my brain and thoughts/feelings apart, as well as getting some advice on how I should proceed with this sort of thing, and on my identity and stuff.

Thank you very much, I'll really appreciate hearing from folks, this is the first time I've ever been on a real date (I did a thing that was sort of like one once, only it was in a larger group of people and certainly not really officially a date, whereas this time the word "date" was actually used in planning), so it's a whole new world and I want to get more clear with how I'm doing and feeling about things. Hopefully, aha.

Still, it was good overall, and it was pretty fulfilling to get out and be close/more intimate with someone, especially because I've been so, so starved of that - not just of romantic/sexual contact but of being physically close to other people in general! Don't get me wrong, I am glad I went, at least, it certainly seems so! And in the moment I was having a good/enjoyable time except where I mention I had insecurities and/or didn't so much. However, what I want really is just to get perspectives and such cleared up, and to try to make some progress to sorting out some of this gender relations/sexuality stuff (which, as ever, continues to be a pain in the butt :V).

 

I mean, one more thing - I don't know how my preferences work. I so wish I was equally attracted to masc features as I was to feminine ones, and I mean, often I am? Maybe it was just this one person.

But, in general, I find more girls attractive than guys. I thought I was only attracted to girls for so long. Questions: Was I only so keen to be calling myself bisexual because I wanted to feel queer but didn't know I was trans? Am I somehow faking my attraction to guys? Why is my attraction to guys so selective? How does physical attraction jive with gender attraction, masculinity does not equal "guy" after all and that's so confusing when it comes to labels and feelings, aaah. Am I faking some of my sexuality feelings? Do I really feel what I think I feel? How should I continue to relate to this one person in particular, and how much is my experience with them indicative of my sexuality as a whole? Of course I'm wondering about a whole lot more than that but I just wanted to express those additional thoughts in question form.

I want to just be attracted to guys in the same way I definitely am to girls. It feels so unbalanced and makes me feel fake/improperly bi/queer/applying labels, and makes me worry that I'm deceiving people/especially the person I so encouraged to kiss me today. ene. And how does that jive with my motivations anyway? What if I'm not really attracted to them all that much but just was intimacy starved? Would that be deceptive? What if I stopped feeling I was attracted to guys after I got more intimacy? What would this mean for me and my sexual identity? ene ene aaah and they weren't even a guy so. It's so confusing and I don't even know what to think even though I did nominally enjoy myself I guess just not as much as I might have but I still kinda acted and responded like I did anyway? Was I being deceptive? I feel like they'd feel bad if they knew that idek...

 

i don't think you were being deceptive. your understanding of yourself sometimes shifts over time, and sometimes the labels that feel right shift too. that's okay. it's also completely okay to be unsure of the exact label that feels right, and it's also okay to use a label in a "this works best for now and i'll figure it out later" way. you're not being deceptive or using labels improperly.

 

Congratulations on your date! :D Take it from me, first dates (and first kisses!) are always at least a little awkward regardless of the genders/sexualities/experience levels of all parties involved, and it sounds like you did a great job.

As for feeling like a fake queer, I'd go so far as to say most bi folks I've known, and a fair number of exclusively same-sex attracted folks, even, have felt that way at some point. I definitely have, and it is awful! It's also not true. If you're bisexual with a preference for afab/feminine-presenting people, that doesn't make you any less bisexual! You don't have to be attracted to everyone equally (my god, that would be exhausting). Your preferences are totally valid. Also, there's nothing deceptive about not being super into someone (unless you, like, make them believe you're in love with them and string them along for years and then run off with all their money to marry a yoga instructor or something, which I don't think you'd do), especially on a first date when you're just getting to know them and they're just getting to know you.

…I have no idea if any of this is helpful. ^^; I guess my point is, a) first dates are always kinda weird and b) you will not be kicked out of the Bisexuality Club if you mostly wanna kiss girls.

 

(Oh yeah, another thing that I meant to mention up front but forgot - what if I am attracted to guys to a greater extent but it's being muddied by internalized homophobia from when I was being socialized as male, part of the same reason maybe why I didn't realize my attraction to guys for so long?)

 

What other people said, but also, there's a lot of us who may be generally physically attracted to one sort of person but then, on a case by case basis, find themselves attracted to someone outside that usual category, and that's fine. You're allowed to be fluid and blur the lines and be drawn to who someone is, then find yourself digging them physically too. Or not! Sometimes you can really like who a person is but just can't make the jump to being sexually attracted to them, and that's okay. You never, ever owe someone your attraction, no matter the reason, even if you feel it's because you're being close-minded or whatever.