So I just broke down crying over a freaking stack of baggage I have wrt food, diets and my mom, and I'm gonna have to explain this to at least one family member or everything's gonna ferment and explode, but just thinking about explaining the problems made me have my second ever panic attack, tiny pupils and hyperventillating and all. So I figured maybe I could start trying to write it down instead (sending a note out under the door, and later e-mails, have always been my go-to for explaining what is wrong when I'm upset) and maybe get some input on explaining and/or fixing things? Me: my current main medical problem are these maybe-seizures that, while physically undamaging, last for hours and have a net result of me being conked out for ~24h on the days they happen and sleep for ~12h on the nights I don't. the many doctors can't diagnose them and that are kinda making it super hard to do ... anything. especially anything requiring timely or regular attendance. I have problems with executive function sometimes, and there are other things that I straight up can't do, like cleaning dishes by hand or driving (seizures). I have been discouraged from doing any dishes-needing cooking except on my cooking night, because it is inconsiderate to the people who have to clean up after me. which is fair, but inconvenient. my non-supper staples are thus things that do not require non-dishwasher dishes - leftovers, sandwiches, fruits, popcorn (microwaveable), baby carrots, simple ramen done either in the microwave or with the kettle, smoothies with frozen fruits and veggies and sometimes a bit of icecream or sorbet, granola, nachos (microwave), tea (lots of sugar or I can't taste it and usually milk), hot chocolate, etc. When I have EF problems I can ask someone to help me, but I don't like doing that if I can help it, especially since my odd sleep cycle means more often than not when it happens either no-one's homes or everyone's asleep. I will wake them up if I need to but I prefer not to. I am mostly low-sensory, with a bit of high-sensory awful thrown in there for kicks (see dishes) one of my main pleasures is spicy and strongly flavoured foods with varied flavour profiles (indian <3), since they are the strongest pleasant sensation I have. Sugar is also good, but a distant second, and the various textures - crunchy being my favourite - plus comforting umami round out about 1/2 of the outright good-feeling stuff I have in life and 90% of the high-key happiness. I'm mellow and slow-paced, so the rest of the good is mildly pleasant and slowly accumulated over long periods of time. Good food is one of the main ways I can gain spoons and motivation. I am squicked by diets, weight-loss, and the like. Especially fads with seemingly little science behind them, cargo-cult stuff and the diet industry. Always have been. Because I am Fat, and because we live in a beauty=thinness=health world, I am nonetheless inundated by the stuff. I have become largely inured, but it still bothers me. I aggressively/defensively do not care about my weight, and I reflexively lie if my mom asks me if I have eaten a certain thing my mom recently had a talk with me, saying that me having seconds makes her uncomfortable. so I can't have seconds while she's around I guess? I don't usually experience hunger the way other people do. I don't often feel mild hunger, and if I'm fixated on something I can go all day without eating. when I do feel hunger, it is almost always strong stomach pain + stomach-based nausea. because of this, and my irregular schedule meaning that I sometimes have long periods of time between the last meal I had and the next meal the family is having, I snack often. (1 or 2 times a day, like a handful of carrots or something) I also sometimes stim with high-flavour snack food like jalepeno popcorn (usually only once a day max) Mom: mom is great to us, generous and supportive and loving. but she has mental, physical and emotional problems of her own that have bled over onto us. while she has not had a true manic episode since we were babies, but has depressive episodes a lot more frequently and for long periods of time. she has also been occasionally suicidal. she once took my entire bottle of effexor hoping it would kill her. luckily it just helped her mood, which was a great assist in convincing her to go to the doctor and get medicated. Which worked for a few years, but she hates doctors (bad experiences in the past, doesn't help her abusive father is a famous orthopedic surgeon) and distrusts being on medication. so when she figured she was fine now she stopped taking it. mom has a habit of taking on too many things and getting super stressed and fragile. when mom is stressed the whole household has to walk on eggshells and avoid being in the shared areas of the house when possible to avoid a meltdown or getting assigned chores that she will then be angry you didn't do right and do it herself. she started a new cycle of this a few months ago: joining several committees in town in important roles, volunteering to help her sister (brain cancer) around the house every week, organizing multiple fundraising events, etc. (on top of the b&b and being a housewife and stuff) I am working to convince her to take it easy and drop things that are too stressful, which seems to be working out. she quit being a secretary on the committee where the head guy was treating her as his private secretary and making her do all his work. mom had bulemia as a child and teen, and while she is no longer doing that she still binge-eats when stressed or emotional. she is often dieting, exercising (hard with her bad knees/neck), running diet/exercising teams online, "not dieting but eating healthy with smaller portions", meditating (possibly on weightloss), etc. She feels this is a huge part of her life and is talking about it all the time. No matter how many times I ask her not to talk to me about it, she continues to do so. She has mentioned that avoiding the subject means that she cannot talk about her life to me at all, but I think she mostly forgets my objections. Also she is constantly worried about me and my health so maybe talking to me about this stuff is trying to encourage me to lose weight and be healthy? If anything it has done the opposite. I HATE talking to her about anything of the sort, defensively/agressively do NOT care about my weight or health, and reflexively lie about eating tasty snacks if she asks if I ate this or that. Note that most snacks in the house are not for me to eat, because they are for my gluten free sister and dad. So they are either not for me or not for now because mom is saving them for something special. There are often fruit, but those are just as often for the guests or things I don't like (oranges). She gets irritated if the bananas go bad, but I can't eat them all because they might be for the guests. We have tried to instigate various stickers or writing on foods or whatever to show who's allowed to eat them, but they have never stuck. mom needs verbal encouragement for her mental health, which is fine. We have a system where someone says that they did something hard and then everyone responds "yay, (name)", or "yay, (name), for (making supper)" she also needs lots of verbal love and thanks for driving and such. It comes naturally now, even when it's something like her losing weight that squicks me out. mom has a hard time with criticism sometimes, especially when stressed. One time when my sister was going out on a fancy date all dressed up, my mom told her she looked like a prostitute (we later found out this was apparently meant as a compliment???) my sister (anxiety) cried in her room instead of going on the date, and never wore that dress again. Mom cried in her room and called herself a terrible mother and that we would be better off without her and needed a heck of a lot of coaxing, compliments, and consolation. mom is very spiritual. she's perfectly happy with other religions and spiritualities and whatnot, so that's not a problem. she meditates daily, during which she like, comes out of her body and goes on spiritual journey to other places and as other people and such. she frequently has god talk back to her when she prays, like telling her to build the pool and b&b to be a facilitator in other peoples' lives. 90% of the books she reads are either spiritual or weight loss. one time, she felt like her heart had stopped when she was sleeping. she decided that she was about to die but was given by god a brief chance to say goodbye to all of us. she went to everyone's room to silently say goodbye, but I was awake (insomnia) so I had my first panic attack as she explained that she was about to die. I am not allowed to criticize or correct mom when guests are around, like when she is telling them about how using the sauna makes you sweat out toxins I can't say anything about there being no scientific evidence for that and that the whole "toxins" thing wrt health stuff is bunk. Events leading up to and including freakout: I am currently upping my thyroid meds (hypothyroid), and reducing my depression meds in hopes of switching to a different type mom runs a b&b out of our house, and specializes in opulent breakfasts, large (9+) families, a friendly and companionable atmosphere, and guests with strange or strict dietary needs our current guests are regulars, a woman and her husband, who my mom is very close with. for the week they are staying my mom will be cooking all their meals (not just breakfast) as a friendship bonus, and they will be eating with us the guests are on a keto diet, so mom figures this is a great opportunity for her and me, since keto is supposed to help with seizures plus bonus energy and whatnot I hesitantly agree, hating everything about diets in general and this diet in particular but figuring the benefits might at least tie the negatives, and at least it is only a week keto means every single one of my non-dinner staples besides asking for help is now off the table. I did go shopping with my mom though, so we do have some bags of plain nuts, some avocados, and a couple of bags of whisps - a vaguely chip-like thing made out of cheese all of our flavourful sauces and all my hot sauces and spices are out save like straight boring cayenne. I could make some chili oil or otherwise whip together some interesting sauces, or straight up buy some new ones, but all of that takes time, spoons, preparation, forethought, driving, execution, etc which I don't have since the thing has already started I do not want to rely on leftovers, and preferably don't double up on food at all because if this works on the seizures I need to be able to know that I can have a variety of food and might be able to survive on it. the first day we start is my game night at a friend's house. it's my mom's cooking night but she was cleaning the fridge and forgot supper was a thing, so she cuts up some zucchini slices and some cold slices of this spicy (but not in the good way :( ) smoked salami thing (first time trying it; was barely able to stomach it), and adds some feta dressing (good!) on the former and dijon mustard (also first time, absolutely revolting) on the latter, and I wolf it before heading off. my friends all brought their own meals and snacks to share with the group - chips, five guys, mc donalds, chinese, homemade burgers, etc. they repeatedly offer me some, especially when I quickly become hungry after the small, unfilling, and unappetizing meal I had. near the end of the night when I was starting to feel sick from the hunger the host's girlfriend did come up with the solution of some sliced zucchini and cheese though, which earned her so many brownie points with me even though it took several reiterations that I was doing it for seizures not for weightloss so "{I} should just reduce my snacking a little and excercise a bit more" instaid of doing the keto diet is not good advice. (I am usually unproductively black for her, and I really need an auspistice; her volume and voice and over the top dramatic screaming-and-crying playing style [which the DM encourages and highlights giving her the spotlight while the other players are left to talk amongst themselves] make me need to leave early from overload and miss the end of the game fairly often ♣️) second day went okay. slept half of it, early afternoon brunch of leftover egg and bacon (added cayenne), and a bowl of mixed nuts and whisps to tide me over til an early supper. had enough spoons to make a dessert for everyone - three-ingredient dark chocolate avocado truffles (though it took more of said spoons than expected since we only had unsweeted so I had to make the dark chocolate with that plus coconut butter and fake sugar third day not so great. mom made this... fake oatmeal thing. chia seeds was the main ingredient, but I don't know what else was in it. plus a couple of slices of strawberry, which she proclaimed "made it". not terrible, but not filling either physically or emotionally. couple hours later and I am hungry again. I decide to try something we had discussed earlier - experimenting almond milk, whipping cream, and vanilla protein powder to create something that was somewhat like milk, which is a beverage significantly more filling than water. I was told this experiment (totaling about a cup of liquid, mostly the final result after determining it was palatable) would be my snack, over the egg that was also an option. results: almond milk is gross, as is straight cream. both together is just close enough to milk to be uncanny valley, but protein power propels it far enough out of that valley to be drinkable, even if it doesn't quite dissolve and you end up with floaty bits of vanilla in your malk. by the time 11:50 comes around I feel like I am about to puke from hunger. mom's busy chatting with the guests, but I tell her. I'm supposed to tell her health stuff, and she is the one who will be making lunch but she hasn't started yet, so maybe she will start or tell me what it is so I can make enough to tide me over? mom tells me to eat some nuts or something, I do and break down crying I am so hungry, and I am not supposed to be eating a snack because I already had mine (malk), and I really want this diet to help my seizures and I don't want to disappoint mom by not being able to stick to it (I know she won't really be disappointed to me, but that knowledge doesn't help at this moment) and I realize that I won't be able to make anything for myself while on it... so I go downstairs and sob for a while, and then calm down a bit while internetting. mom comes down to ask if I'm okay and I say no and then start freaking out worse when I think about explaining any of this to her. even after she leaves I'm just remembering all the times that she's obsessed about her weight or broken down from being criticized, the times she's been so close to trying or succeeding at killing herself. I go to the bathroom to get some tissues (I notice in the mirror that my pupils are tiny, and figure that I am probably panicking) and when I come back dad's in the lab (my computer room) fixing my new art monitor and it startles me and all I can say is nonononONONONO and I go to my room and start hyperventilating with my back to the door I stay in my rooms the rest of the afternoon, and mom sends dad down later with a snack I start to feel nauseous in my head as well as my stomach, and this is different enough from my usual stomach-only hunger that I end up taking my meds and a pot just in case and going to bed.
I am feeling better now, but I need to explain at least part of what happened and what is wrong to my family, and I do not know what to say. I do not think I can tell my mom directly, definitely not speech-wise, but I could probably email my dad or sister, though the latter might be a bad idea because of the aforementioned anxiety.
Okay, that all really sucks. It especially fucking sucks to be on food restrictions as well as a new thing. Like, I've done a couple stints of carb-free, and I was hungry all the time for the first couple of weeks, with mood swings. So if your mom could, like, actually plan for stuff? That would be great. It sounds like she did not plan well for this at all. Lots of appropriate snacks (not just one) would be a boon - or for her to respond when you told her you needed to eat because you were feeling sick. Do you have no pots or pans or baking dishes that are dishwasher safe? That kind of stuck out. Because I have depression and executive function issues I have storage containers that are freezer, microwave, oven, and dishwasher safe so I can just make stuff and store it all in one container.
She did plan a lot. She made plans for breakfast lunch and dinner, and did get me the nuts and whisps for snacks. And she has been making some snacks too occasionally, like she just made me these fake tortilla things to have with salsa and sour cream <3. She did apologize for not taking it seriously when I was feeling sick. But I also think that she underestimates how little I can do without her help here? And how often I need to snack? And yeah, getting sick of just the nuts. We do not. Do you have any recommendations? because that would be super helpful!
I am pretty sure this is the set I have? I also have like 12 of these, which are a convenient size for snacks. I make fruit cups with them where I'll throw a bunch of frozen strawberry and mango in them and then let them thaw in the fridge to be convenient to grab whenever over the next few days. I've also made individual fruit crisps in them. It's good you were able to talk about it.
Hmmm.... it would be more stovetop things I would be interested in - a pot and pan that regardless of what I put in it I could just throw in the dishwasher without needing to rinse or scrub it. I'm guessing that that's gonna be a toughie though, since apparently nonstick stuff isn't supposed to go in the dishwasher and if I made anything sticky or burned something at all then I don't think the dishwasher would be strong enough to get it clean even with nonstick. Thanks though. We havn't really talked about it, just apologized in passing. Which is good, as is her assurance that I don't need to explain if it's too difficult. I just kinda feel like if I don't then I'm just leaving things open to more unexplained breakdowns in the future? Like, the current impression given is that it was the hunger, diet squick, and lack of tasty food plus med changes, but those are only the superficial reasons? Like, that's why I was crying but the sobbing and hyperventilating was all mom issues and flashbacks.
