Fruity Rumpus Asshole Party - D&D Edition [Closed RP]

[At the girlish squeak, Terezi moves her hand up to give Dave's hair a vigorous ruffle instead, scooting backwards immediately afterwards in case he attempts to retaliate. "If you don't want your cape, give it to me! I'll wrap it around my neck like a giant, cherry-flavoured scarf."]

 

[Rose re-enters the room after what feels like an eternity, which was a much needed break. Her composure has been restored, the Mayor is at her elbow with a tray of finger sandwiches balanced on his bare and adorable carapacian dome head.
"Thank you, Mr. Mayor. I like the sesame seed smiley faces, they are a nice touch." She readjusts her cushions, sets her DM screen back up where an errant flailing arm had knocked it askew, and takes her seat. "Alright. Are we ready to resume?"

 

[Gamzee takes his sandwich and stares at it. How's he supposed to even eat something that's all grinning at him and shit like it's knowing something he doesn't? Does it got KALE up in it or something? Gamzee can't fuckin' stand kale. He flicks a glance at The Mayor, not openly suspicious but on the brink of it. Painstakingly, he rearranges the sesame seeds to make a scared OH NO kinda face, then pops the whole thing in his mouth. Mffh.

His eyes widen. He doesn't know what's in this sandwich but it's GODDAMN DELICIOUS.] "Yeffgh."

 

[The Mayor was a farmer, once upon a time. It'd taken a few months before he'd been able to control his impulse to eat greenery on sight, but with the help of his new friends, his most recent crop of vegetation made it to maturity before his blunt teeth scraped their stems.
There was no kale, but there was lettuce. Lettuce and a suspicious Meat Like product that he obtained and none dared inquire as to its origins. It was thin, a chalky grey, and had a slightly rubbery texture with a gamey taste. Dave had proclaimed it tasted like chicken. This was flagrantly incorrect, but none of them had a better standard of comparison. There was a thin smear of what everyone silently prayed was barbeque sauce on top of the psuedo meat.]

 

[Clambering back into an approximation of a serious, sensible seating position at the table, Terezi takes a sandwich from the Mayor and promptly starts to deconstruct it on top of her character sheet. The Meat Like product may taste gamey to everyone else, but it tastes like leaf ash to Terezi, so she avoids eating it when possible.
"I'm ready! And we really should get our characters to bed, the rules say we need eight hours' sleep to get spells and things back."]

 

[Dave makes a brave attempt at sorting out his hair and clothing situation, but rolling around on the floor with lunatics is not conducive of a cool, unruffled exterior. Having the Mayor around, on the other hand, makes all considerations of coolness completely irrelevant.

He takes the plate off of the Mayor's head, removes a few of the sandwiches for himself, and tucks the Mayor into his side with an arm around his shoulder. "These sandwiches are delicious, and adorable. Just like you. Adorable like you I mean. No one's going to eat you I will fucking fight them. They can meet me in the nerd pit anytime for an ass kicking. Oh man, wait," A look of delight crosses is face and he snaps his attention to Rose. "Rose! Can the Mayor play?" He looks back down and smiles at the Mayor's furtive efforts to steal Terezi's discarded Paradox Space Chicken. "Do you want to play dude?"]

 

[Rose had not prepared for this situation. She blinked three times in quick succession.
"If the Mayor would like to join us, I can certainly create a character with him for our next session. Would you perchance be interested in joining our fantastical caper, Mayor?"
The Mayor taps his chin with one dull chitinous clawtip. Then, his hands flash in a flurry of movement as he signs his response.
"Would I be working for a King in this game, Rose? I do not want to work for a King."
"You would not be working for anyone that you do not choose to give your allegiance."
The carapacian considers for a moment, beady white eyes narrowing. Then, a nod.
"I shall find you later then, and we can build your character." Rose smiles, internally recalibrating the challenge rating of upcoming encounters. It would not be a difficult task. "Very well. If you would care to sit in and observe for now, in order to get accustomed to the rhythm of the proceedings, I believe we are just about ready to resume. Any questions before we jump back into the roleplaying seat?"

 

[Gamzee's head tilts, and he lifts a hand, brows furrowed. "I just up and had a query all smack my pan sideways. IS MY TIEFLING ASS MOTHERFUCKING PREGNANT? 'Cause mammals, right? ALL I KNOW IS HAVIN' LIL MONKEY CHURCH BABIES FALLIN' ALL OUT MY ASS. It's gonna slow up my questing mojo something fierce."]

 

[Rose answers without a moment of hesitation. There's genuine joy in her voice. "No, you are spared the 'miracle' of childbirth, Gamzee. Neither of you are equipped with the required tools to result in a pregnancy." She pauses, and her smile grows wider, and more sly. "At least, not for you."
She takes up a D20, rolling it between her fingers. "What would the DC even be?" Rose mutters to herself, flicking through a book with her other hand. "Hm." The dice rolls behind the screen. She stares at it. "Natural 20. Well then! No, you are not pregnant, but more importantly, neither is Altea. Congratulations."]

 

[Dave blanches when Rose rolls, then relaxes. "The weighted sex dice stroke again. Strike, I mean. No wait, it was right the first time. Anyway, we can't have a pregnancy subplot already, it's way too early to jump the shark like that."]

 

["It wouldn't be relevant for at least six in-game months. Best to start the balls rolling early on these things." She dips a raven feather quill (one she made herself, after about fifty failed iterations) into an inkpot behind her screen. Then she makes a note in Altea's entry in her big book. She also draws a dick in the margin, before closing and latching the book.]

 

[Gamzee relaxes visibly. "Aww fuck yeah, I was all afraid he was gonna have to, like, do some motherfuckin' preventative measures and shit. LIKE EATING THE FUCK OUT OF SOME MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY SPAWN. Hafta get him some bitchtits fiber spell to move alla that out of his digestive chute, can you even fuckin' imagine?"]

 

["I." Rose pales slightly. "Unfortunately, I can imagine. And now I can't stop imagining."]

 

["Ah yes, the miracle of mpreg ass-babies. I'm impressed with your knowledge of mammal reproduction Gamzee, I didn't learn where babies came from until Jade sat me down during our frog breeding adventures and explained that when two yaoi motherfuckers make each other's kokoros go doki doki..."]

 

["Don't forget the prolonged courtship in which males compete with homoerotic armwrestling to determine who has the most magnificent hands."]

 

[Gamzee gives Rose an I KNOW, RIGHT??? sort of look. Then he starts snickering as Dave chimes in. "HAHAHAHA BRO YOU DIIIRTY. My tiefbro's kokoro is private as shit, he ain't gonna doki doki just any motherfucker. ONLY FINE-ASS CHURCH LADIES." At Rose's remark, he looks at his hands speculatively. "But I wager he wouldn't be sayin' no to a hand contest later on."]

 

[Terezi, who had been consuming her deconstructed sandwich, glances up and across the table. "Rose, which of our species are compatible to reproduce? Would being a reptile mean Pyralspite would have to find another reptile, or does the magic in this setting provide ways around that? Also, are dragonborns capable of parthenogenesis?" These are all important questions.]

 

["Well, in older editions there was a race known as 'half dragons', but they've been phased out for the one we're playing. The manual does not give me any clue as to the method of reproduction for Dragonborn, but I'm going to make an executive decision and decree that they lay eggs, and are capable of switching between sexual and parthonegetic reproduction depending on age and ideal environmental conditions. If Pyralspite desires to reproduce sexually, then she would need to seek out a Dragonborn or possibly Lizardfolk mate." She flicks through the book again. "As for the rest of you - anything goes, it seems. And, of course, adoption is always an option, although I wouldn't recommend it at this early stage of our tale when you are all impoverished adventurers." The sandwich is consumed. A sesame seed falls in her Altea wig. She picks it out and eats it. "Now, unless anyone else has questions about the birds and the dire bees, we can continue our story."]

 

["Alright, where we left off before the break, Pyralspite and Lei were speaking with Altea's father Jonah; the enigmatic druid Vesta, and Giselle the farmer. Pyralspite had asked Vesta if there was anything significant about tonight's date."]
Vesta twirls their fingers in their hair, and the little mouse climbs onto their fingers and down to sit on Vesta's shoulder.

"No, not that I can recall. Although I pay little notice to the written calendar. The only thing potentially significant, I think, would be the temperature. It has been unusually cold on each night I have sensed the corruption spread. Perhaps that aids whatever foul magic or poison this malevolent force is employing. Nothing I have tried has countered or slowed this blight. It's most concerning."

"Yeah, no shit." Giselle grumbles, then her lips press tight. "You ain't no slouch at the plant magic thing. S'why I'm looking for outside help. No slight on you, Vee."

"I did not take it as such. I am equally frustrated with the circumstances, I understand."

"Well." Giselle turns to Lei and Pyralspite. "If you can find who's doin' this, and fuck 'em up, I'd be in your debt. Beyond the gold I'd owe you, too."

 

Before all this talk of debt goes any further, Pyralspite raises a clawed hand, shaking her head. "Really, the debt isn't necessary, not on my part. I am a paladin of Casta, and the opportunity to serve a community housing one of Casta's churches is enough for me." She's pretty sure that's the sort of thing paladins are meant to say, and while that much money would mean she'd able to live comfortably for ages, she wasn't in need of it. At least, not immediately, and not at the cost of this farmer lady.