he needs some milk

i don’t like going outside in full fascism!

 

wake up at 5 am realize i still would do anything to make myself permanent with ruben... i can’t force this recovery. it’s gonna be another 5 years at least

 

love like this can make you forgive anything it just sucks when that person decides to take advantage of it and hurt you

 

trans boy is healing... he is a special friend. we went too far with sexual things but i’m not gonna think of him that way anymore. he doesn’t want anyone over 24 and i’m 25, it’s not gonna happen. but he loves me and we cuddle... i’m already so wounded and tired and closed off. but he is there. it’s the first time i’ve heard somebody say the words “touch starved” in real life, like it’s a real thing. and we both said it feels so good to cuddle. and i said this is good touch, not “customers”... and i said we are born trans to show the world the truth of reality, not to be looked at and sexualized. and i said because we’re both trans, you’re my brother and son and i protect you. i want a friend, i want a friend, i want a friend, i want a friend, i want a friend, i want a friend, i want a friend, i want a friend, i want a friend

 

it does feel so good to cuddle rather than have sex because it’s honest... that’s where we’re at right now

he said i kind of used you because i was horny and i said then use me, go ahead, anything.

and i said i want to create something perfect
and he was like so, seduction?
and i was like no!!!!!

i love to cuddle and talk with him
he gives me seratonin

 

this is what i wanted but it’s too late... i’m being shown over and over again what i just missed... close but no cigar... maybe the real thing will come soon. please

 

i love people’s head on my chest. that’s my favorite cuddle position. i love the feeling of their hair and their weight on the empty part of my heart. stemming the bleeding

 

i went to group therapy, also i broke up with the boy. we're both bpd also he's kinda boring

 

i'm a bitch who works hard on my mental health!

 

i noticed the pattern which is amazing. i have an excellent way of forming relationships that is ass backwards and makes people think i am a sex creep

i think hiding the fact that you want to have sex with someone is manipulative and going into a friendship relationship with them while hiding sexual or romantic feelings is wrong, and you should be "honest" and "up-front" about it. but that's actually ass backwards and wrong, you should go through all the stages of building a relationship and that's how you actually get people to stay. it works and it's how normies do it but it's actually disgusting to me

 

i'm not sure what is the root of the trigger there
be it abuse, trauma, transphobia, internalized homophobia
pick one we got a smorgasbord

 

im going to draw my feelings when i like someone

 

also i need to eat.

 

Spoiler: therapist: draw your feelings

but in reality i would have to write an AU where i wasn’t abused to get the bottom part

 

it’s a liver because liver is delicious (just kidding)

 

starving? nope
dinner? yup

 

if i just eat whatever i'll be fat, sick, and not love myself.
someone should adjust to me, be around me and make sure i have the food i need. a friend! or is that a partner

or is that community

 

ruben used me as a test run and they're an asshole for even thinking of reaching for my heart

 

hysterectomy diet

kombucha
yogurt
fruits and vegetables
NOt cheese pizza
ginger and garlic
protein like a beast

 

ever since i started taking concerta i can remember all kinds of shit. not everything. just a lot of shit. i feel clarity out of nowhere. literal medically induced clarity