i’m so tired i didn’t even protest i’m just tired. tired of feeling i know that it’s black lives matter but i feel like that should be obvious, like again, the world is just catching up to how i feel about black people like maybe this will breach some new level of compassion in people and they will actually keep that but judging by how many times i’ve been personally disappointed by others capacity for compassion i just doubt it but maybe now i can finally talk about black people without people being like oh you’re racist?? you want to be black?? you’re obsessed with black people?? like no stupid bitch i just care
i went to stay at a friend's house for a few nights and actually got some sleep. it was quiet and peaceful. i had a dream about these parrots...
i’m talking to this older male from my therapy group. he wants to get coffee but i’m not totally reassured he just wants friendship. i haven’t been as good at the job of managing older males that comes with being young trans man in san francisco
i’m thinking of a system to manage all the clothes i have. i pick out mini wardrobes for the week and wash the clothes often. it’s like meal planning for clothes basically. i change size and shape so often i have to put certain clothes away and pull them back out.
i like my new therapist but i feel that old feeling where i bowl someone over because i’m so self-interested in what i can get out of the relationship. i’m not that interested in her mentally because she doesn’t share my generation. i love older women as friends, but it’s hard to trust them like someone who shared the same slice of history with me. it’s the same way with men.
i would love to have more older men as friends, but the trauma of being touched or taken advantage of makes me crumble into a regressed state. i just want to have intelligent conversations with men as equals but there’s so much unarticulated about being trans and the discrimination i perceive being so invalidated by the “trans community”. it’s painful. i need to adopt many dads. i’m starting a new kink community where we don’t fuck, but i have a harem of older men who validate and support me. it’s called the luke community
i’m tired of dealing with my generation’s misperception of age, maturity, and what’s appropriate. a lot of experimentation with boundaries just being self serving for everybody. like understand that life isn’t structured and life events don’t line up with age. i matured out of trauma, i also developed poorly because of trauma. i want to hang around people of my own age group. i’m conscious of the fact that i need healing in certain ways and try to orchestrate that. it’s not predatory, it’s necessary and vital. and i have something to offer in return. i just need to be known, trusted and supported. i never have bad intentions, just make mistakes.
i enjoyed being a teenager but i could have had better male friends. i couldn’t trust anyway but if i had loyalty, unity and resilience i wouldn’t have to deal with so much self-denial and invalidation now. i think it’s fine to need cis men, to need your boys and need to consume the resilience that comes with being supported by men with cis power. and i have something to offer too. i don’t want to be ashamed, i don’t want homophobia. i don’t want transphobia. i want love
love is so much more than just a sexual relationship, a commitment, an addiction, repression and shame. i want to experience all the textures and weights of love. i’m not interested in fighting this war. i want to be the cleric
i’m always speaking in this dramatic voice because i feel exposed and abandoned in public. in the ultimate manifestation of that, of being homeless i reached new levels of shame and repression, paranoia and fear. but in reality what i experienced is not unusual, i’m not misunderstood or alienated. i don’t need to be this dramatic . i guess i am just musing in this voice. the voices i write in are a character in my consciousness. they’re a valuable person. regardless of if i have disassociave identity disorder, i want to be separate and in control. i want to be the firmament between the stars of my brain. i want to be healthy and safe in my mind space. my mind is so much bigger than what i see around me. if i could wield it i would be so powerful.
i can’t commit to myself, always trying to force a way for me in other people. but you can’t change other people’s intentions, nor should you. things will come in time. i have trouble trusting that. one of the identities has trouble trusting that. anyway this blog is getting too deep! i have this brainpower all day so i can take a break whenever i want! anyway i have a date and i need to workshop my identity for that. i just feel like. the void.
i love homestuck. i just think it’s cool and i’m a nerd for it. i’m not embarrassed by it. i just like it. i love being my void self. i love the classpect ocs. i don’t really fit in with the fandom but i don’t care. i just liiiiiiiiike it. i’m an adult and i’m not embarrassed of things. stoooooop judging me. what happened to just being cool and liking cool stuff. i got over things being ironic or cringe when i was like 17. just don’t cringe. just handle it. omg.
that post comes off really whiny but it’s really funny in the end. like i’m embarrassed that’s why i wrote it.
please tell me i don’t have to do anything today. i’m busy fucking ruminating, resting, and recovering. snaps
