Haha, oh shit, I did so^^ething wrong. I recently gradvated or "gradvated" fro^^ a s^^all technical college, and I've been getting dicked over since day one on financial ^^atters. I think. I don't know and I hate being angry even if I were right to be so, bvt how in the hell a^^ I svpposed to know if what's happened to ^^e is actvally vnfair or if I'^^ ]vst being a whiney baby or whatever. Things like, I have a trst fvnd that wovld have covered the entirety of the cost of this school's tvition. So I elected to pay it all off in one lv^^p sv^^. I was given the okay by the head finance gvy at the ti^^e, and told to pay at a certain date. Proble^^: their ^^achines don't allow pay^^ents of over 5,000. Proble^^: their ^^achines won't accept pay^^ents of the sa^^e a^^ovt over again on the sa^^e day. Proble^^: they won't accept a lv^^p sv^^ pay^^ent for fvll tvition anyways. ????????????! So I paid off as ^^vch as they let ^^e. Over the covrse of ^^y 15 ^^onths, I've paid everything they've asked of ^^e as best I'^^ able. Ran into so^^e bank proble^^s that have been dicking ^^e ovt of ^^oney for a while, bvt it's all good, I've learned ^^y leasson, svcks it had to be tavght and svcks I wasn't infor^^ed, bvt at least I know now and I'll be ^^ore carefvl in the fvtvre. It's fine, everythings fine, I'^^ learning, i feel better for it. I'^^ ]vst sad and afraid and panicing now and I don't even know what I'^^ after, bvt fvck it, here it is, I'^^ so sorry.
The stvdent portal is where all the finance stvff is svpposed to be available, bvt different pages show I owe different a^^ovnts, and I never know how ^^vch I'^^ svpposed to pay or whether or not there's a proble^^, and I have^^y personal e^^ail as ^^y prefered ^^ethod of contacting ^^e, bvt they set vp I stvdent e^^ail, and I only ]vst fovnd ovt abovt it, bvt they've been sending ^^e crap throvgh it this whole ti^^e! I haven't responded to anything on there for 15 ^^onths, why the fvck haven't they tried any of the other seven avenves to reach ^^e????? I know I've fvcked vp so^^ehow, and that's why things see^^ harder than they have to be, I'^^ not vsing it right, I'^^ being an vngratefvl ]ackass, I have to be, I always a^^, bvt I don't think I a^^ and I hate it.
It's like, I'^^ svpposed to be the one that fvcks vp. I don't like when other people fvck cp and I notice and get vpset. Becavse I'^^ not right, I'^^ an idiot and I don't know anything and I can't ^ake anything better when I'^^ angry, besides. It's bad of ^^e to get angry> I have to be ^^isconstrving this so^^ehow. Bvt that's fvcking nonsense! And I know that!!! I know fvll well how stvpid that all is!!!!!!! Bvt I can't stop, and it's driving ^^e vp the wall!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i' sch a fcking idiot. i don't know what i want. I gess i want soeone who won't take e seriosly, who won't get hrt or pset when i' sad or opey and who will tell e when i fck p and reind e that y istakes are as infinitetesial as y lifespan in the grand scee of things. stpid. want a crtch. can do that for yself. can do everything for yself. not good, nfair, bad, woldn't ask that of anyone else. bad, bad, don't want help, bad at getting help, ake people pset, sholnd't bother. sck it p, do better, go it alone, greedy for wanting differently, perfectly noral for wanting different, fck. i' sch a oron.
I think I want to die. I'm not sure if I ought to talk to my therapist or whatever. She's on vacation. Won't. But don't have work tomorrow. Might do some looking into what my state's got going on with the "hey, pls make sure I don't kill myself tonight" whatevers.
Won't. Dumb. Won't do anything. Wanna hurt bad, don't wanna be a knarly mess that mom and dad have to clean up. Wanting to hurt myself is so fuckin dyumb for me, cause what the hell am I gonna do? I don't let myself feel sorry for myself over injuries anyways, so it's not that I can feel bad for myself or whatever. I don't let people see injuries, so I'm not looking for sympathy. The hell do I gain by self-harming. Shut up, your fine, just dumb and not good for much.
no panic, just sad. feel very alone. i feel like i'm not allowed to be upset about getting fired, cause i obviously deserved it, and even if i were allowed to be sad i'm certainly not allowed to make it other people's problem. AND YET here i am. Bitching online doesn't feel quite so sticky and awkward. burdensome. whatever. i'm lonely and i deserve it. have no one to blame but myself. i think i'm gonna try and find somewhere to go where i can talk to people. dunno where to start. gotta try. got nothing but time now anyways.
hydra's a dinglehopper, doesn't think, thinks too much, gets stuck, does wrong. hjcgilyfhv b frustrated.
I keep singing worthless in my head. every spare moment gets filled up with a chorus line of insults. Stupid dumb dumb idiot face worthless fucking moron i hate you so much why won't you shut up. Nothing new, nothing worth talking about, I'm bothering people. Not not, can't, they're all here of their own free will, don't have to look, most don't. Stupid. GAh. I'm really tired of this.
my mom broke a little palm sized picture frame in my room the other day. haven't picked up the glass. was hoping i'd forget and slice my foot up. stupid. too dull. took the sharpest bit i could find and scraped it up my sole. didn't even leave a scratch. i got soles like a quarter inch thick, haha. still. couldn't even scratch the arch. skin's not so thick there. i'm not doing too good.
pro-tip: condense all your posts into one post please and have a typing quirk that isn't harsh on the eyes (so replacing u's with v's is okay, but m's with ^^ is aweful). I would like to read all your posts, but I just can't. .. . am I being harsh? I don't know. I hope you are well. Judging by the title of this, you need some advice or something, which I cannot give at this time (low spoons) but I want to know that a fellow human being is trying to sympathize with you in this moment, at least, I know what panic is like, so I hope it relinquishes soon. Okay, yeah. Good luck dude!
Haha, the typing quirk was a slapdash solution to a broken keyboard. It's not a problem any more. And all this stuff is more spur of the moment ranting than anything that needs commenting on. The thought was I oughta have somewhere to write my thoughts out without it being a thing my family would likely stumble upon, but I'm thinking I ought to delete it. So, uh, sorry to bother you.
It didn't bother me as such... I just wanted to be able to read it so I could provide thoughtful feedback or just let you know that another human being cared/witnessed what you're going through. I'm sorry your keyboard was broken. That is quite the creative way to get around that. Sorry if I sounded harsh, I'm bad at communicating sometimes. My friends often say that I'm too blunt and forward, so my apologies.
It's okay, dude! No worries. But yeah, the stuff with the quirk has been sorted out by now. Was all finance stuff for college, and that's all payed off and sorted out. The rest of the stuff is just me be overwhelmed with stuff I know full well how to fix. Or at least I have plans of action in place. They're just hard, sometimes.
Yeah I know what you mean. Sometimes I know how to fix my problems, but lack the motivation to do anything. Which is hilarious because I'm supposed to be a Slytherin with high ambitions... go figure.
