oooh also who wants to hear about The Most Overcomplicated Wolf 359 Roleswap AU Spoiler: featuring.. THE HEPHAESTUS Commander (Lieutenant) Warren Kepler - mission leader, Goddard agent, first act villain, infuriatingly smug prisoner if much angrier than in canon Officer Daniel Jacobi - technically the communications officer, picked up from prison, certified disaster, extracurricular fondness for explosives Doctor Alana Maxwell - science officer, psych/comsci, tries her best but still pretty unnerving sometimes Hilbert - why would anyone give an autopilot a heavy Russian accent? it's a mystery. (it's actually because he's an upload who doesn't remember he's an upload, but shh, it's a secret.) LOVELACE Lovelace - ...lovelace. THE URANIA Commander (Colonel) Renee Minkowski - Danger Minkowski 24/7. Will shoot you to prove she's tough enough for her job. More dangerous for her ethical crises. Officer Doug Eiffel - still picked up in a bar, but under different circumstances. Minkowski dragged him out of alcoholism. Darkest Timeline Eiffel will crack jokes with you but would definitely blow you up if Minkowski told him to. Doctor Hera ??? - AI expert. Least morally dubious of the new SI5 gang but not very nice to AI Hilbert because fuck that guy.
Lovelace (Lovelace) is a fixed point :P but yes, things in this universe i am interested in include: Spoiler eiffel and minkowski's murder moirallegiance, kepler/jacobi with the power dynamics flipped turnways, relatedly that time kepler gave jacobi a speech about how they both knew he wasn't REALLY willing to hurt him (in au "what's up doc"), that time minkowski slammed kepler's hand in a door and told him he had to call jacobi "sir" (in au "don't poke the bear"), that time maxwell got blown into space and got rescued by a nice doctor and a nice crew who then turned out to be taking over, the new hera/maxwell, lovelace/danger minkowski, AI hilbert is very angry, kepler is very angry because no one will follow his great plans and they're gonna fuck everything up, hera and eiffel both have extant human bodies and so if you open a closet there's a 50% chance they'll be making out in it, lovelace hates kepler for different but still super good reasons, lovelace and hilbert now have the lovelace+hera "sniping but probably understanding each other pretty well" relationship....
help what have you done Spoiler: episode 1 technically AI can't function at kelvin 0 either, which is approximately 400 below 0 fahrenheit, right? something needs to be conductive "fragile, carbon-based, uncomfortably liquid body" hera is now my wife hilbert: the maddest scientist. i wonder if he was originally supposed to be a cliche/archetype and then actually became a character ... stotzi? i cannot understand "i know i can't actually smoke them" oh my god it's cronus so 400 days. they've been in space for over a year. also there's no inventive mentions of alternate ways of counting time... poor guy gets his job done and immediately dismisses it as "this can't be happening." i actually like this bag of dicks? the atmospheric music is really good. ... why is hilbert running a power drill in the lab. that sounds like a dentist. minkowski is literally pearl holy shit. 8 light-years out, 400 days. math not so good, but... this doesn't add up. i really like hera's voice. even though it's deliberately fucking up in a very creepy way. "don't panic. you'll use too much oxygen." i love this woman AI. i love her so much. she reminds me of captain mal. it exists, eiffel, you numbnuts. "can clean it up" what kind of frequency are they even broadcasting on? "didn't mean to cause distraction" uh? just as eiffel is cleaning up the frequency? um. uh? "there's... something... i'm... forgetting..." that's not concerning at all! whatsoever!! OH MY GOD THE FUCKING TRSNDFLKMOSIDNG. "of all the odds in all the space..." what makes you think it's not being beamed by aliens, dummy? "i should go make sure hilbert isn't burning to death. ... i'll do it after this song is over." given what i've been hearing about Murder in the thread... i'm beginning to Suspect a Thing.
:3c "i actually like this bag of dicks?": the doug eiffel story (i also think he was jokingly accusing minkowski of being a stasi agent; the amount of dictatorial references he pulls out to refer to minkowski and mad scientist references for hilbert is pretty impressive, lmao.) and yeah they all start way tropier/generally flatter than they end up; the transformation is complete by the beginning of s2 but you can definitely see if happening across s1 too. re: eight light years out, 400 days: i think they speedily traveled FTL to where they are, and then they've been in orbit for 400 days?
but also yeah just EIFFEL: my entire job is to listen for transmissions that could be first contact EIFFEL: (gets a transmission) EIFFEL: must be a coincidence lol
tell me if it isn't okay to do this in here please because i can't stop now Spoiler: episode 2 okay the writers of the podcast have to understand what "a night at bald mountain" means to people of our age--"some classical music that sounds very angry at me." yes. yes it is. it's demons. day 455 officially, a week later. they're still 8 light-years out. mmmkay. "i'm getting more transmissions" and... you're not thinking anything weird about it? wow. eiffel, you're an asshole, but you already knew this. 275 more days... uh, i can't do math, but this is about 3 years, right? i love how he's broadcasting to some kind of beatboxing in the background. "we don't have a brig." "i'll work something out." orbital cycles. there we go. that's how they count, technically. i love how there is a genuine hostage negotiation situation over toothpaste. also, what kind of fucking... what kind of people sent this crew up into space without enough supplies for the length of their mission? were they hoping the crew would go crazy? hahahahahahahahaha they froze conversation AND they froze him in the room. oh my god. i'm convinced that everything in this is now meant to murder the crew based on later revelations. oh my god hilbert doesn't give a shit about eiffel's safety. and neither does minkowski. "good chance to test theory about vaporized bromine." they... really don't care how much pain they cause a fellow human being. and now they're literally torturing him. that's... that's cool. he's hallucinating. "a few hours ago i smelled molasses but i didn't get knocked out, so i don't know what that's about" okay, so hilbert mentioned that smell, but he... didn't get knocked out? i don't trust this narrator. i don't trust doug at all. "you don't scare me, alarm noise!" scared the shit out of me when it wound down. HERA I LOVE YOU. "your situation is untenable." oh my god she mentioned -40 degrees. i love her. "this is about your well-being." i can't tell if she's referring to the torture or to the surrender... "would you kindly" HERA. H E R A is she trying to lull him to sleep with that? OH MY GOD. NOPE. JUST STALLING. I LOVE THIS AI. I LOVE HER i'm really disconcerted at how easy it was to break up the crew over dwindling supplies.
HERA IS ALSO MY SPACE WIFE. i love her. and hey, if my significantly more disjointed liveblogging was cool here, i'm sure yours is too. I'M enjoying it anyway. HASHTAG GODDARD FUTURISTICS
Spoiler: episode 3 so is hera on hilbert's side? or does she just hate humans? because hilbert is CREEPY. "THE SURGICAL DRILL IS ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY" I KNEW I HEARD A DRILL day 482. we're rapidly accelerating here, right? "begin collecting samples" there is literally no reason to do this unless hilbert has been infecting them with someone to be cultured inside a human body? "why don't you take a seat in my waiting room" eiffel. the best comeback. "i was just trying to be helpful!" to whom, hera. "so... you lied to me?" "tactically misrepresented available data." "persistent body odor" oh my god. they really did run out of soap. wow. also i really. like. they set up this mission to fail, whoever "they" is. bad day for minkowski to have a legitimate problem in the greenhouse, because of the checkup. "it's gotten big. very big." "it's got all these, i guess they're roots?" TENTACLES, MINKOWSKI. THEY'RE TENTACLES. LET THEM FUCK YOU. YOU DO KNOW SPACE HENTAI RULES, RIGHT "the physical will be over before the damage is irreparable" WHAT THE FUCK. "they will seem trivial in comparison." "once it starts, there's no way to stop it until it's done." HWAT THEFLUCK "try not to pass out" SLDKFJOEWIURLWEJFLSDF????????????? "some kinds of pains are beyond the comforting effects of narcotics" WHAT KIND OF ELDRITCH BEINGS HAVE INFESTED DOCTOR HILBERT there is literally no way to have an ethical exam OH MY GOD IT'S SO CUTE? THE PLANT IS SO CUTE? AND I LOVE IT? MAKE FRIENDS WITH IT? OH MY GOD??? DON'T KILL IT? IT'S AN ELDRITCH ABOMINATION PLEASE WORSHIP IT? "ARE THOSE TEETH? *SCREAM*" i am concernicus about hilbert, and i also need a name for my new plant friend
Spoiler: episode 4 FUCKING. ALSO SPRACH ZARATHUSTRA??? OH MY GOD. I LOVE THIS PODCAST "I'm in spaaaaaaaace!" "what's the big deal?" "THE HULL OF THE SHIP WILL IRRADIATE YOU" do you say "mayday" in space? also i love hera and it's bad to miss her in space "do not copy, say again" well he certainly is a communications officer "how much time before--" BAAAANG oh my god. the best space dramus I SHIP IT. I SHIP EIFFEL<3/<3<HERA if he has a bungee cord and magnet boots... why couldn't they just... pull him in by... the bungee cord...? "you have to pull yourself up." "expediency is best" oh my god. oh my god they would let him die. or go through pain to get back to live. OH MY GOD THEY'D LET HIM DROWN IN SPACE they'd let him die THEY'D LET HIM DIE "for the greater good of the crew" HE WOULD REALLY JUST LET HIM DIE BECAUSE IT'S INCONVENIENT "i'm alright?" "well, you're still you, so... enh? although hilbert did have to resuscitate you." NO YOU'RE NOT ALRIGHT. YOU'RE IN HILBERT'S LAB. "i've been tracking your vitals." "because you missed me?" "because i missed you." I SHIP THE THING. SHE'S PLAYING HIM A TRANSMISSION. OH MY GOD.
Spoiler: SPOILERS, PIXELS DONT READ ""begin collecting samples" there is literally no reason to do this unless hilbert has been infecting themwith someone to be cultured insidea human body?" I........... am impressed? help me i am laughing
I mean if you only have three human crew members and you might lose another one by going on a rescue mission it's not NECESSARILY just a matter of convenience-- ... not that i'm advocating for trusting hilbert. but i'm glad minkowski cared enough to rescue him, yes. and are any of us free of hera/eiffel? no. definitely not.
you can't save me from spoilers, i have no self-control. i also kind of like spoiling myself sometimes because there's usually no context and then i get to put it in context later. (i haven't clicked the thing. yet.) Spoiler: episode 5 please stop me oh my god it's so good? SICK FIC. *chanting* SICK FIC. SICK FIC. SICK FIC. "that doug eiffel is dead." i'm concerned? "your nicotine lozenges!" oh my god. he really is a smoker. "you are a great man" "empirically." I AM CONCERN? "he's literally made me cigarette candy and it's the best thing ever." okay but like? you're trusting the mad scientist to provide you with something proven to be addictive? THIS COULD NEVER END BADLY IN ANY WAY WHATSOEVER i can't imagine how hard it is to record with a deliberate cold/cough affectation. "and i'm almost out of these lozenges!" oh my GOD YOU BAG OF ROCKS. "come here!" "no, i just" "COME. HERE." zack selfcest when?????????? "yet" CAUGHT. "how many have you had?" "all of them" OH MY GOD. "no, stop. what is this?" THE ECHO EFFECT "what possible reason could there be for me doing that?" BECAUSE HE'S AN INHUMAN MONSTER AND ALSO NOT AN M.D.? JUST A Ph.D.? HE'S THE KIND OF PEOPLE I USED TO SUE??? also, gaslighting "you have a fever, you're not interpreting any of this right" HOLY SHIT. BDSM EIFFBERT WHEN???????????????????????????????? he's TIED to the BED. HE'S TIED TO THE BED. that, or complete yandere hilbert. "for as long as it takes. now rest! i've also disconnected the comms." THAT'S NOT CREEPY AT ALL YOU FUCK "an aggressive pulmonary infection" UM? NO? THAT'S NOT WHAT CAUSES A RASH? HILBERT GROUND MEDS INTO HIS FOOD AND PUT IV INTO HIM WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING? WHAT THE FUCK? THAT'S SO FUCKING ABUSIVE? "i intend to see this through to the end" WHOSE END???????? OH MY GOD "you'll need to keep your energy up" I AM SO? DISTURBED??? THERE IS NO NEED TO CUT HIS RESTRAINTS WITH A KNIFE YOU FUCKING FREAK as it turns out, hilbert did make him sick. just not the way eiffel thought. there was seriously no way for him to have a tropical flu like that. what the fuck. what the fuck "bedside manner is like anesthetic: it just gets in the way of what needs to be done." WHAT THE FUCK, HILBERT. WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT LOG. WHAT THE FUCK
i clicked the thing and that's not a spoiler? that's just good foreshadowing on their part and good theorizing on mine. i used to be on a podcast where we did nothing but theory on a web show that came out in installments like this, me theorizing on random "innocent" lines is not new.
i mean, personally i also constantly guess at plot twists but don't like to be told when i'm right until i get to it in the story, so i thought it would be better to be safe than sorry :P amazing apparently zach valenti used to have to do eiffel and hilbert's voices in different takes, and then they did this and he had (paraphrasing) "about twenty minutes in the studio to record fifteen minutes of audio," and learned to switch back and forth really fast. while pretending to be sick only half of the time!!!
i am just consistently super impressed by the quality of amateur voice acting i can find on the internet. i kinda wanna jump in on that but i'm not exactly a smooth talker like some of these people. also i might go back and edit my previous posts to be actual sXeX: title on the spoilers? idk. the liveblogging is probably exhausting some people but like. HILBERT. WHAT THE FUCK, MAN Spoiler: episode 6-super energy saver mode EIFFEL YOU DUMBFUCK 500 DAYS IS NOT AN 'ANNIVERSARY' "unless command decides they want to renew for another year and a half" WHO IS COMMAND. THE FUCK? THESE PEOPLE ARE MALICIOUS IN THEIR PLANNING THESE MISSIONS??? oh my god hera's fucking adorable in how she's analyzing eiffel's music oh my god. i love? i love. "unless you leave out anarchy in the u.k., that's just mathematically unsound." "top five lanthanides?" HERA. YOU'RE ADORABLE. "well, i don't know what i want, but i know how to get it." STOP USING THE ARC REACTOR. STOP. HILBERT. WHAT THE FUCK. YOUR Ph.D IS IN MOLECULAR BIOLOGY I'M??? STOP. "stop wasting my time" HE CAN OVERPOWER HERA WAY TOO EASILY? I AM DISTURB??? "i can get incensed when he takes that tone with me" oh my god. i love her? she has emotions? i love her?? AND NOW SHE'S OFFLINE? OH MY GOD? YOU KILLED MY WIFE, HILBERT, PREPARE TO FUCKING SLDFKJSLKDFJAPOWEURPOIJSDFL;AKJSDF is eiffel seriously arguing with himself doing an impersonation of minkowski strange female voices talking in the dark. it almost sounds like hera got forced into something and is now very far away? "WHY ARE YOU UNDERNEATH THAT TABLE?" "REASONS" flksdjflsjdf hera's in charge of life support okay for some reason that's really heartwarming to me. that she helps keep eiffel alive. "how about we skip right to the makin' it better part." i can't believe hilbert literally blew a fuse? it's like this was intentional? THE AMITYVILLE SPACE STATION okay the female murmuring is FREAKY? AND I LIKE IT? HERA'S PROBABLY TRYING TO TALK TO HIM? I LOVE HER? I LOVE THEM TOGETHER? isn't it convenient that things keep running out of power and battery? i actually like eiffel and minkowski collaborating. this stephen king fm is.... hera, i know you're trying to get back, i love you. "you're not the first" WHAT? THE FUCK? WHAT THE FUCK? IS THIS THE PLANT? IS THIS MY NEW PLANT FRIEND? SOMEBODY'S GOING TO GET HURT WHAT. THE FUCK. WHAT WHAT THATWHOIDFSLKJWEROIHSDGWER WHAT and then hera immediately comes back? oh my god. if hilbert's corrupting her or rewriting her code i will NEVER FORGIVE HIM residue of her vocal program going haywire, didn't sound like hera? no, i think it was her. it's either her or the plant. also just because her vocal program's going haywire doesn't mean she's not speaking truth. i've seen enough movies about this...
i love hera...... this is mostly just reminding me how much i love hera even in s1. she's so cute. <3< ==> <> jussayin' :3c
Spoiler: season 1 episode 7: the sound and the fury "there is no need to take this tone of voice with me" "you're withholding critical information from me!" I'VE SEEN MOVIES ABOUT THIS i love some of this slice of life stuff from eiffel but i'll need to relisten again to get the actual argument. THE PLANT TOOK OVER HILBERT. OH MY GOD. I LOVE IT? I SHIP IT?? THEY'RE BOTH ELDRITCH HORRORS AND FREAKY??? miscommunication still isn't funny. listen to each other. listen. "whose side are you even on?" HE'S ON HERA'S SIDE, COMMANDER. HAHA. WHY EVEN ASK. OH NO, HE JUST. BETRAYED HIS GIRLFRIEND. NO. NOOOOOOO. NO. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. "i want to hear what else officer eiffel has to say about me." that could be cute but? oh my god. why are they both mad at him now? i don't understand? oh noooooo he set her off about programming. "you're practically wiretapping. so what?" "why are they doing that? isn't that a bit dangerous? that's just their biology." somehow i think she's talking about hilplant OH GODDAMNIT LOOK. blessed eternals? seed of life? "you are no better than the oppressor" HE'S TUMBLR NOW? THE PLANT IS TUMBLR? why would hera throw eiffel under the bus in front of minkowski? "can we please go handle the emergency?" "NO" you're a shitty CO. eiffel has a point right now. good answer, doug. "me lying or saying something awful? like that's any kind of news!" "i'm so far below you i don't even register on your radar." oh no. oh no he's putting himself below hera. oh no i'm have feels. oh no. OH BOY THE BLESSED ETERNAL WHY IS THERE KNOCKOUT GAS ON THE FILTERS??? WH?? HWELKWJEF????????
Spoiler: mini episode 1 this is really cute actually. i love eiffel explaining things to children. OH MY GOD. WON'T ANSWER QUESTION ABOUT HIS FAMILY. BUT WILL BE SARCASTIC ABOUT SPACESUITS. ALSO GOOD WAY TO REMIND HIM ABOUT PIZZA. ... i'm gonna order pineapple & ham. OH MY GOD HE'S USING RUBBING ALCOHOL AS HOMEOPATHIC REMEDIES? WHAT? "picture a vacuum cleaner. now picture your butt." and then the rAMPANT CENSORSHIP ISFDLKJSLDF. oh my god he's cried in space. probably out of terror. "liquid snowball that clings to your eyesocket" "slight risk of drowning" "morale boosting caused more tears than they prevent" oh my god. lord. LORD fakeedit: i have my pizaz. it good. Spoiler: season 1 episode 8: box 953 this title already sounds ominous?? why is he not in the comms room? just to avoid minkowski? or is there other things bad going on? OH. THE QUARTERLY TALENT SHOW. COMPULSORY. what's hera's talent? WHAT IS IT WITH ALL THE "DRAG YOU KICKING AND SCREAMING" LANGUAGE? also, is this a military outfit? is minkowski active/retired military? is eiffel? is hilbert? is hera military-commissioned, or private commissioned? I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS AND I HOPE THEY ARE ANSWERED "you know, doctor, you can't solve all your problems by knocking people out." "that's what people say, but i notice my problems going away." I THINK HE MIGHT BE AN ACTUAL MURDERER?? goddard futuristics. the corporate sponsor. (for military? i'm still confused) yeah, what the hell are they keeping up there? (and why is eiffel investigating?) WHY IS THERE A SET OF MATRYOSHKA DOLLS? WITHOUT EYES? I'M SO FUCKING CREEPED OUT? I'M??? GODDARD?????? WHAT THE FUCK??????????????? letters to santa? what is this? A CANNON? WHAT??? yeah please check the manifest. "please handle with care and a vague feeling of existential dread" WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE GODDARD FUTURISTICS FUCKS "reserved for douglas eiffel, do not open under any circumstances" what. i'm so concerned "THIS IS DIAMETRICALLY OPPOSED TO COOL" "i am the very model of a modern major general~" she's so drunk. she's SO DRUNK "is it for me, or is it a box i came in" I'M? THIS PART OF THE STORY IS REALLY COOL? SO IS THE MUSIC? and now minkowski's trying to kill hilbert. wow. everyone's trying to kill each other? on this ship? she's so fucking drunk ... hera can't access what the fucking box is for? she's not okay? i think she just got set on fire by the firewall. and she has a headache even though she's noncorporeal. there's information in the system but she can't [INTERRUPTED] oh my god. i'm so. they love each other. minkowski's security codes? she can tell the location at least... "there's nothing there. holy crap, that's box 953? i thought that was part of the wall!" and it looks really different? also bolted down? how do you open it? groove or something--how does he know how to open it? KEEP CLOSED AT ALL TIMES. wow. okay. and he's opening it. "and it's cold! it's really, really cold!" (IT'S CRYOGENIC YOU NUMBNUTS) "there's a sound coming from inside, humming that comes and goes, it kind of sounds like--*chuckles* it almost sounds like a heartbeat--but that would be completely impossible and insane, right?" (and we don't hear it. all we hear is the vague sound of a disk skipping in the background.) HE'S GOING INTO IT? OH MY GOD? WHAT THE FUCK? WHATLKSJDLFKJSADFKWOEIUR;SKDLJF? WHAT ARE THESE FUCKING SOUND EFFECTS? A LONG SERIES OF COMPLICATIONS? THREE HOURS? HOW MUCH HAPPENED? oh my god minkowski found the cannon? and set it off? and now the box is gone. isn't that convenient? (also how is it gone? wasn't it bolted in?) i'm Suspicion
WRITER GABRIEL URBINA: oh my god, i'm telling you guys, the box is gone, it's gone forever, guys, it blew into space, i know i sometimes fuck with you but the box is REALLY GONE please stop asking me about it- THE ENTIRE W359 FANDOM: but it was BOLTED TO THE FLOOR
