oh boy you're getting into the ramp up to the s1 finale >:D (season one ends with "gas me twice," and then season two goes until.. "who's there" i think?)
THIS PODCAST IS SCARY!!! ANYWAY Spoiler: s1e11: am i alone now? i like this episode a lot. i love hera in this episode a lot. i am having feelings about minkowski? i didn't know she was married. i didn't know she could override hera to record privately in a message--i really hope hera wasn't listening. also, supernatural events confirmed--i think it's been pretty obvious since episode 1 that the entire podcast is about being gaslighted by space, but this is some real timey-wimey spacey-wacey bullshit here. i'm back in homestuck yey
Spoiler: s1e12: deep breaths (season finale 1/2) eiffel seems so depressed. i can't tell whether it's sarcastic or not. oh my god minkowski knows how dangerous this place is and she's trying to keep up morale so her crewmates don't go as insane as her. i'm having feelings about her? oh my god eiffel is eulogizing his last cigarette i'm die. even hera's like y he du. a... communication? merry christmas eiffel? THIS IS CREEPY I DO NOT LIKE. oh. it's HOLTZ. I LIKE. oh my god. hera remembered his birthday. oh my god. and it touched him. oh my god he was so touched. oh my god. he liked the gift. oh my god. i'm. i ship? i ship. the ship. "are they always old transmissions?" oh my god. this. this is now scaring me. "this transmission is not coming from earth." uh? UH? "it's not echoing, it's making a return trip." i'm scare. i'm scare? i'm scare! I'M SCARE! even though the music is so good? i missed this stuff transmissions with recurrence--is it mathematical? can it be solved with math? can the frequencies be solved with math? OCCAM'S RAZOR. "what?" minkowski snaps. me too. "pretty weird deep space anomaly." "or eiffel made first contact." "turns out i may be really good at my job." oh my god caller ID. STOP THE SQUEAKY IT SCARES ME??? I'M SCARED NOW?????? I'M SCARE?????????????????? they're cooperating for the signal. the last time they were trying to cooperate was empty man. and minkowski's paranoid, and hilbert's weird, and eiffel's not very observant, and this podcast is scarier than i signed up for? MARS. 90 janskies? what is that. "somewhere in the dorado constellation." "just shy of 40 light years." even hera's helping! "all trajectories are pointing away from earth." "they were right. they knew." um? "i started to feel like i was a whacko psychological experiment [after empty man]." OH MY GOD. HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU'RE NOT A SCIENCE EXPERIMENT STILL. run lockdown protocol 24-c, he says. indigo 39 auth code. i'm scared? hilbert? i'm scared? I'M SO SUPER SCARED? SHE'S PULLING A HAL 9000? "I'M AFRAID I CAN'T DO THAT DOCTOR HILBERT" oh my god. hilbert. HILBERT. that's the code you slipped into her? i'm so fucking disturbed? "I can't do that, Lieutenant." OH MY GOD. HILBERT IS HAL 9000. "hilbert, what the hell are you doing?" "this discovery alters the mission parameters drastically. goodbye, lieutenant. enjoy your last half-hour of oxygen." HILBERT? WHAT THE FUCK, DUDE? OH MY GOD SHE'S TRYING. HERA'S TRYING. OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD. HILBERT. I'M GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU. YOU HANDCUFFED MY WIFE. "COMMANDER HILBERT." OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD. HE KILLED MY WIFE. what the fuck how can he talk to earth? what the fuck? "something of magnitude"? i'm? what the fuck? what? what? "unfinished business" "longer period of study" WHAT HAS HILBERT BEEN CULTIVATING IN HIM. oh my god hera hates having to do this she's gritting teeth she doesn't even have. wolf 359 more like WHATTHEFUCK.FM
Spoiler: s1e13: gas me twice (season finale 2/2) oh my god that's right he had the oxygen in there. thank god. eiffel fight the bad other you. "hera, are you there?" she's always there. "i need you to talk to me. i need you to be here." SHIPPING IT "come on, baby. talk to me." "doctor hilbert is a dork and you can beat this." oh my god? i love eiffel? FUCK THE SHIP FUCK THE SHIP FUCK THE SHIP "eiffel... eiffel, i can't do this for long." OH MY G.D I'M HAVING HAL FEELS FROM MY GODDAMN BROJADE FIC? "all of my automated systems are running, emergency is unaffected, i'm locked out" oh my god the code will shut her down? but she has fun finding loopholes. all the derogatory nicknames for doctor doom, i love. pat benatar. fire away. OH MY GOD SHE'S SO MAD. SHE'S SO MAD AT HIM. I HAVE NEVER HEARD SOMEONE SO FUCKING MAD. SPACE FAX. "new ship hoo dis" mr. cutter? i guess? hera's detecting something and he interrupted her--bad idea not to listen. "what the hell are you doing? this is a priority channel." condition one emergency? contingency scenario? "data series." "are you sure? confirmed origin source?" who's 'we' here, asshole. "this could mean big things for you." elimination protocol. wow. "contained in experimental facilities" immediately? "who is this" says hilbert. laughing on the other end. "that's always been your problem." not really smart? i'm so confused? "thanks for all the free information"? OH MY GOD IT WAS DOUG laskjdf;laskdjf;lkj;lKJ;ALKSJDF;LKJAS;DFLKJ;ADLKFJ;LKJASF I'M LAGIUOASDFLHSGISOGN "still shame on you." "what will mom and dad do when they find out you haven't followed instructions?" "what's the use of having an AI at your service when you don't listen to it?" oh my god. he set a fire with a lit cigarette. to distract hilbert. lskfdjlskdjflskjdf. "emergency procedures!" "but your code prevents me, big man~~! give me permission~~~~~!" *HACKER VOICE* I'M IN says hera. i love her and they opened the airlock to get her in. good. oh my god. save life. "i don't think i'll be doing that. emergency response programming overrides all other code." merry fucking christmas. THE LIQUID NITROGEN! "you made me do this." HE MURDERED MY WIFE. HE. MURDERED. MY. WIFE. and eiffel's so conccerned. OH MY GOD. HEPULLED HER PROGRLAKSDFLM I'M SOID FAHSDF I'MS ODN MAGD okay what what's that sound MINKOWSKI AND HCl! ... but is hera...? ... my.... wife........? okay i still have 5 minutes. more holst? what? no i'm sad. i'm sad. he's asking for hera. oh my god. oh my god. "give it a rest; it really isn't her. he wasn't lying. not about that, at least" oh my god. "he... lobotomized her, pretty much." "we'll try. i just can't promise you that we'll get it right." "they knew. when hilbert thought he was talking to command--the things he said! they knew we might run into something! and they'd given him orders to kill us! there's something bigger goin' on here." nah shit son oh my god he's only 32? incoming pulse beacon? oh? i'm scared? "open communications. run through loudspeakers. i think it's time the two of us got some answers." good hook for the next season i guess?
okay so just running through things from the next season: the last two episodes of s2 are called "knock knock" and "who's there" but p a i n. the answer is pain
i don't know anyone who hasn't had precisely this reaction, tbh also i want to write a set of poems about the crew that will eventually turn into songs i also want to take a crack at recording a one-woman version of one of the eps. considering "What's Up, Doc?", "Bach to the Future", and "Am I Alone Now?" ... AIAN would be the easiest, probably best for a first shot
Spoiler: s2e14 the kumbaya approach someone is unlocking a thing. this is not how things normally work? oh my god punctuating the music with nonsense sounds. "let's begin." WHAT? WHO IS THIS. WHO IS THIS. the music is perfect. i've had bosses like this. fuck. "psych parameters still in the green, so let's renew them and we'll keep our fingers crossed" I WAS RIGHT. "when's the last time anyone heard from--" probably hephaestus. which is the ringing. CUTTER. OKAY. he sounds super flaming. like, not gay. but he's flamboyant as hell. "no one hears this but me." THERE'S THE MUSIC. "guess whoooooo~~~~~~" "renee." okay. i'm. he creep "eventful." "oh, that sounds dramatic!" "alexander wouldn't have told you unless you ran into something really serious, so. what's wrong?" "those secret orders he's not supposed to know about?" um. that's not a joke. they're not telling him about the transmission. wow. "hilbert got the smallest whiff we made contact and that's all he needed. that was him having a plan. that was him under orders. hilbert's eccentric, not impulsive." the uss mystery machine oh my god more accurate words have never been spoken. "as long as we're on this station, we have a gun aimed at our heads. we'd better act like it." the relationship between them has certainly changed. wow. "psychotic break and attempt at mutiny." targeted for assassination. "we are now missing crewmembers who are vital to the mission." "our situation is no longer tenable." no shit. "i believe hephaestus has met catastrophic failure. i am requesting extraction." "hang on a second. don't rush this." what? what. stop that. cutter. stop that. "is there anything else you want to tell me?" wrong wording. she doesn't want to tell you, asshole. "denied!" cheerfully. wow. yup. command wants them to die. "you don't get to tell me what we can or can't do. and if you interrupt me again, i will destroy you so completely that no one will even remember the name renee minkowski." what? what? what? what? "the only reason you're up there is to keep things running like a well-oiled machine." nope! she's not just a cog! and she didn't mess up! this is the most emotionally abusive language i've heard in a while. i'm creeped out. "and you will get me some results." "would you like to ask questions?" "they've been answered." "you're among friends! what is it?" nope. "what should we do with hilbert?" *giggling* oh my god. oh my god. "you're going to shoot him." yup. yup. this mission was designed to drive everyone insane. i'm convinced. "you're light-years away from the nearest national border. you answer to military chain of command." actually! this is international waters! (i really do appreciate having read the martian recently.) "make sure you both keep transmitting your daily logs in a timely manner. i'm going to be paying very close attention." FUCKING ABUSIVE. I WANNA THROW UP. "i'm sorry. this is a mess." "this isn't your fault--" "IT IS" she's broken. she's broken. cutter broke her. "come on, have you seen you?" oh my god eiffel trying to undo the emotional abuse. how to for central processor? how to switch from ai to manual. i don't think eiffel wants to let go of hera. "are you gonna do it?" "nah." "okay. okay! sure." "i should. but he's the only person who can tell us what's going on here." OH MY GOD. THE INSTRUCTIONS ARE KILLING THEM. WHAT THE FUCK. WHAT THE FUCK. THERE'S ALREADY SOMETHING RUNNING? OH MY GOD THERE'S THE VOICE AGAIN WHAT THE FUCK. WHAT THE FULAKDSJLSAKJDF;LKJ;ALKSJDF; he's gonna clean it up? what it say? how it do? WHO THE HELL IS THIS NOW captain isabel loveless--wow. oh my god. oh my god. oh my god. oh my god. oh my god. "those were all lies. command never meant for us to make it back to earth. they meant for us to die out here." "we called for help and nobody came. nobody even answered. so they died." vanished? ... vanished? "there's something else out here with us. i keep hearing things. i hear something moving around the station. i'm leaving his message wired in. i hope no one ever listens. i want to believe they won't do this to anyone else. you're not the first." so, i was right about some stuff. you're not the first was the only thing eiffel heard last time. i was absolutely right that it was about driving people spacecrazy and waiting for them to die. i wish i wasn't. i was kind of just joking...
Spoiler: s2e15 what's up, doc? will his logs change now? "between you and me, friends" okay. this is to us. not to command. how did he get stuck playing chess with hephaestus. wow. and loveless was completely erased. wow. and now eiffel thinks loveless is empty man. (come on, guys. loveless was on the transcript from true lab.) "tell me you're not mourning that appliance." "hera was a member of my crew." oh my god. i love? oh my god did minkowski just mock hilbert suka? "i don't have a temper, i have an airlock." i love. "is rather elegant stalemate, no?" well, fuck. minkovski is really bluffing. "i may not kill you, but you may be surprised what you can live through." LIKE A HILBERT PHYSICAL? i can't stand. the monologuing. stop it, hilbert. this is bad. finesse? you, eiffel? wow. "tell minkowski that this form of torture is cruel and unusual." oh my god. "i don't know what they've got on you, but it's bad enough that you'll do whatever they tell you." "you know what he said? it doesn't matter." "what if i was wrong about command? what if they have no idea and they don't care?" "what if all they told you was just to see if you'd do it?" "are you afraid minkowski will figure out how you got here? the material was removed from your personnel file. do you think she would still respect you?" god. eiffel, you shouldn't have given him the opening. OH MY GOD THE HAMERLSKJFLKSAJDF;KJ they found out how to hurt him, at least. "why send a geneticist into deep space?" "and me!" AND EIFFEL did she just point it at eiffel that was the correct decision actually good job minkowski "no. you wanted to kill me, but you're invested in him staying alive for some reason. well, if it's all the same to you--" "NO!" "well then." trigger mutations. like a retrovirus. a very delicate one. decima. manmade. highly corrosive. could help to restore damage. (let me guess. it's in eiffel. and that's why eiffel can't die. wow.) i was correct. "relax. i've been keeping it dormant in between experiments." wow. (probably why eiffel was pulled out of ass end to be put on a ship.)
Spoiler: s2e16 painfully ever after i keep reading "urbina" as "uchiha" please save me. anyway oh my god he sounds so tired. oh my god poor asshole baby. "you're not helping!" oh my god. 29 minutes? oh my god. they're not sleeping. NO BARACK WE CAN'T doctor iscariot. "you have to face him again, sooner or later." "i will! soon! just not right now." oh my god. my douchebag son. "which means you wouldn't cause damage if you weren't sure you'd be able to fix it." "shut the door. let's talk." i think igor's scared of cutter. "you don't hide things from him." ... did he... fix...? "what kinds of changes?" "i'm curious myself." wow. SO NOBODY'S DRIVING THIS THING? oh my god. "or you could all shut up for a second and let me think!" i love my wife. she back "STEP AWAY FROM THE CONSOLE, DOCTOR HILBERT. GET HIM AWAY FROM THE CONSOLE NOW." oh my god. my wife. i think she said "augh, bumpy!" but it sounded like "augh, fuck me" whoops "wow, that's a relief. uh. you're gonna wanna get something to write with." "no, i wanna hang out with you and talk. just for a little while." "just a little while. what do you want to talk about?" *falls asleep* eiffel. way to disappoint the lady. but now she can watch over you protectively i guess?
Spoiler: s2e17 bach to the future just the summary of this episode sounds cute. let's see if i'm right... "it is really hot in this room!" "glad you noticed." he'd just been talking with hera..... uh............ and both of them are like NOPE EVERYTHING'S NORMAL "you must be up to something when you're not complaining!" THEY FUCKIN "we're trying to see if we can learn a little bit more about our mysterious transmissions." SURE. SURE YOU WERE "officer eiffel and i have a little bet going. i bet him he couldn't go an hour without making any pop culture references." 23 minutes left. wow. "and i may or may not" WANT TO SEE EIFFEL NAKEY "so... how are you doing?" HE FLIRT "how about your new brain?" "i don't know, it's weird!" i love "nighttime is arbitrary in space" I LAUGHED REALLY HARD! "you have a what?" "i'm sorry, one more time?" "i thought that was a really weird typo" wow "not any of your business, but he is a wonderful man." "look at me and hear my serious voice!" i'm going to use this phrase from now on "i don't think you're just an experimental meatbag. for what it's worth." "thanks." "you're very good at your job. sometimes you ought to take yourself as seriously as you're taking our bet." "my job is... i guess my job is dying. in a memorable way. the only thing that qualifies me is that i have a pulse." "you can be more!" oh my god. hera. hera. hera. hera. "if they say you're friendly and will roll over, then you get a gold star and a cushy job. but if that's not how your numbers come up, then get ready for a nice long life operating mineshafts or trash compactors." she's so emotional that her voice is breaking up. "or end up in other places. not because you're good at them but because of what you are." oh my god. i love these two. "and i like this music." "yeah, this is nice." "let's just enjoy this for a moment." and then it's gone. "... hera?" glisei 163. red dwarf. almost identical to wolf 359. "camp this isn't a coincidence." "don't think you should--" "get more afraid?" good answer, eiffel. she forgot the one about good communication. wow. "interfacing" that's. a transformers thing. for SEX he sounds literally wounded oh no
Spoiler: s2e18 happy to be of assistance oh my god hera's freaking out that she just might have killed everyone. "WHY WAS IT THAT EASY TO KILL EVERYONE? I NEVER KNEW!" i actually really like how hera casually calls minkowski "sir" although that's only a thing i've heard for lady dommes? um??? relationship potential? "she's been struggling a lot." well her mechanical brain did get broken! "neither of us know what that's like at all." "i'm not unsympathetic but i'm not unalarmed." "give her some time." "how much?" aha. they found out loveless is real. (i'm still spelling her name like that.) "i think we may have just found a non-hilbert source of information." "the alien mothership has spotted us" UM? THE FUCK? yup it's fanfic. gotta be. yup. it's fanfic. interference in navigation system? okay. RHEA JUST BEEPS? AND LOVELESS UNDERSTANDS HER? I LOVE? the twin reaction. wow. and yeah, the crew was much less robust this time. loveless sounds really tired this time. oh. arguments. it's been just about a year. ... did we just hear someone die? 435, isn't that about when we joined eiffel? oh, she broke her arm. cleaning out fisher's quarters. wow. "i wish they'd wait until we got results from our distress signal, but..." "i just hope those two kids know what they're doing." which? "so they just left them here? what's gonna happen to us?" oh my god hera's trying so hard. she just called her eiffel? oh my god does she not know things right now? i'm alarmed? my wife? log 4. day... did you hear that? (no one else can hear it, isobel.) rats inside the walls? wow. "does anybody even listen to these? we keep making them but i've been asking for help for months now." "you people haven't told me something." OH MY GOD WE CAN HEAR IT NOW? THAT'S DISTURBING? "talk to me before bad things happen." log 5. she sounds so demoralized. another death, that's why. "he gave us some letters for his family." "i think you just don't care anymore. i miss lambert." oh no. eiffel doesn't want to listen to the last one? PLEASE. WE NEED TO KNOW, EIFFEL. even hera's begging him to finish. log 6. "final entry." run and hide. that's all i have to say to you. run. and. hide. because i'm coming for all you bastards. you probably thought you'd never see me again. you thought if you just left us up here you could forget all about us. out of sight, out of mind, huh? jokes' on you. you bastards killed most of my crew, but i'm still alive, and dr. selberg is still alive, and we have a way to get off this tin can. it's taken months to find a way. it's not gonna be pretty, and it's not going to be fast. but we're going to make it back to earth, and the first thing we're going to do as soon as we get home is find everyone involved in this sadistic little field trip and make you pay. so if you're listening to this, run. and. hide. because by the time i'm done with you? you will feel more helpless and more alone than all the innocent people you've ever hurt. see you soon. ... well, fuck. and honestly, if they got out, that means there's hope. more tacked on? wow. not good. doesn't sound good. this is a message for any and-- it's open." "captain loveless--is bedtime?" "dr. selberg, no, i was just doing some recordings." is that... no... but i mean, yeah. yeah, it is. duh. kinda pinged it from the berg at the end to be honest. hilbert, selberg. (also i keep calling eiffel elliott and hilbert egbert, so something in my personal brainwiring has gone drastically wrong.)
Spoiler: s2e19 let's kill hilbert i mean, i don't disagree, but... justice minkowski. that has a nice ring to it. "minimal rest and maximum paranoia." yes, i, too, want to scream KHAAAAAAN at hilbert. yeah, the question isn't whether he's a sociopath, the question is whether he knows enough. "ridiculous," says hera, but then she advocates murdering him. "i don't think you're wrong--in the long term." team what's-wrong-with-handcuffs--OH MY GOD. BDSM EIFFBERT WHEN? "isn't it terribly convenient that once his life's at risk he suddenly starts threatening yours?" "i'm saying it's definitely just a trick." "it's a gamble we take on eiffel's life--" "be quiet." yeah. he dismembered her. he basically intended to murder her. yeah. she has a point. "the only way for him to stop endangering us is for him to stop breathing." (the music is kind of trying to overwhelm the voices here. not very good audio quality.) "doesn't the star look very close today?" yeah, and the ship is groaning. "yeah, that doesn't look right to me either." APPARENTLY THIS IS THE FEELS ABOUT HERA EPISODE? she clearly has ptsd but like... oh my god. he just realized she can hear everything and she might want space. "i am here for you." oh my god. just fuck the AI already. "can it be all three?" just fuck the human already. she had a lot to unload, i guess.
i kind of would not mind doing my own dub of loveless's lines. (I KNOW IT'S LOVELACE. I CAN'T GET IT RIGHT. just like i can't get it right when minkovsky's name is properly pronounced.)
afaik that's a military thing? like, any officer can be sir. BUT that's just a big of info tucked into my brain, it could well be incorrect. man i want to too. sometimes i feel like it's a missed opportunity. but maybe they just didn't want to beat us over the head with the connotations. she's also named after Ada Lovelace - most of the names are namesakes. there are SO many opportunities for BDSM everywhere in this podcast.
Spoiler: s2e20 the paranoia game everyone's least favorite game! "it's relevant because you were experimenting on human beings." amen. mal... functioned? why don't i believe you. and now just a part is being repeated. bicker bicker bicker. why is it only guns that solve minkowski's problems? goo goo g'joob. "oh god it's finally catching." it was a good line though!!! this is a good plan, though, for keeping a prisoner you need in check. I HATE THE FUCKING SHIP CREAKING LIKE THIS I'M ALWAYS AFRAID IT'S GOING TO FALL APART. okay but did they just leave the screwdriver in the vent or "robot took it. yes you did." oh my god he sounds like he's talking to a puppy. at least doctor doom is just as paranoid as everyone else. "she is the brains, you are... not brains." HE FUCKING. HE FUCKING. THEY BOTH. UST HAVE. THEIR WANGS OUT? DICKS OUT FOR SCREWDRIVERS how did team zack form again how did that happen what what WHAT i'm betting they just left it in the vent. or it fell into the fiberoptic system. (or loveless stole it.) I DIDON'T KNOW MINKOWSKI WAS CAPABLE OF SARCASTIC APPLAUSE. AND PLAIN SARCASM. i don't like it when the ship groans... i don't like it......... i don't.................. like it................................ oh maybe it was planty the friendly plant! "another human presence." attuned to overlook a person? it has to be loveless. loveless is the ship. IT'S PLANTY THE FRIENDLY PLANT!!! "of course." ... "why would it want a screwdriver?" it wants to get out of the vents, probably? and meanwhile hera's still blind. cool
