As certain folks may know, my brain has been harping on about gender for a while now. Today I came to a semi-firmish conclusion, told my boyfriend about it, and- as i knew full well would happen- my brain went 'Ah! Now you've done that, we can go back to being cis.' It did the same before with my name, where it insisted that both the full version and the shortened version I usually go by were wrong. Eventually i selected a replacement nickname, and then my brain went 'actually, you know, the full version of your name's okay. still not over-keen on the shortened version, but I'm not going to let you use the nickname you picked to replace that, because now that feels weird. have fun.' I also intermittently have extremely minor spiritual epiphanies (all along the same lines, usually- what i think might fall under pantheism), which after the fact my brain looks at and goes 'you know that's really stupid, also selfish, and nobody, not even pagans/spiritual folks, will take you seriously with it? Plus, you know, do you really believe it? Really?' It also keeps telling me that I'm not bi, I'm straight. I don't know whether to believe it or not. I'm dating a trans guy, so the lines are sort of blurred. I wrote in to Seebs about it once and he said it sounded like my brain was doing something fairly logical but in an annoying way- basically, I can't quite be happy in my identity unless I've explored all the options, but if the default is on the table then it always wins because it's the default. So my brain removes the default, forces me to go through all the other options, and then when i've decided what would be the best out of those, re-introduces the default. But the default (which is straight cis girl, btw, in case you hadn't guessed because it's bleedin' obvious) always ends up winning again when it's re-introduced, and I legitimately don't know if it's because it's the simple, easy answer or if it's because I really am just best suited to factory-original settings. I have a lot of issues around wanting to be special and individual and stand out and such, so when my brain wants to be cruel it tells me that the only reason I was ever really considering being anything other than the default was because I'm one of those awful people who want to be The Tragic Hero. Like... ID-ing as bi didn't really get me any grief, so I might as well just go back to being straight because being bi isn't getting me any extra attention. And that's a really frighteningly plausible explanation, so I keep thinking that I just need to shut up about it and be the default, but my attention-seeking behaviours are twisting that too because now they want me to be Really Aggressively The Default and get attention that way and I don't know what's right and I'm frightened of being the default but I don't know why and I'm really, really fucking tired of all this shit.