I have a big problem with sabotaging myself in school. I want to do well, I enjoy my major and every semester I fully intend to have good habits. And then I...don't. I don't go to class, I don't get homework done and I don't study like I should. And then I fail classes and panic and resolve to do better next time and the cycle repeats. And I don't know why! Now I'm on probation and still doing the same shit and the semester's almost done and it's probably too late to fix it and I just want to start all of college over again because I've wasted the past few years stuck in this awful cycle
Been feeling like I should just kill myself if I fail again because I don't think I can live with failing out of school. I'm starting to have anxiety attacks in my dreams...I haven't done that in several years now
witnessed and hugs offered. I think you shouldn't, cuz someone'd miss you! I just don't have any advice cuz I've always beenbad about doing homework and stuff
Witnessed. I've heard a lot of science about how just caring so much about your performance makes you less able to start it. If every project is The One, the one you will do ahead of time, the one you will do perfectly to show how able you are at being a star student, the one that proves you can do this, every one of them seems like an impossible task. It sounds like you're dealing with some rough perfectionism, which puts the expectation of perfection on you every time, which then makes even going to class hard, if you have to do it perfectly. The rush of refusing to try is exhilarating, I know. That said, I don't know what the fuck to do with that. I spent my entire school career in the same loop and it ended when I graduated. RIP. IDK, I hope you like perspective? I'm not going to insult you by saying 'care less' because I know that's like saying 'breathe less, it'll help give your lungs a rest.' Yeah, I have never stopped caring way too much about anything. But solidarity fistbump, hope at least a little of this rings true for you
I do sometimes give too many fucks and get paralyzed by anxiety so I then give no fucks to avoid that. But mostly I can't seem to make myself do things I don't want to do. Even when I know I'll regret it and hate myself later And I lie to everyone about how I'm doing especially myself. I delude myself into thinking that it's ok, that I'm not in trouble. But I am and it's all my own damn fault
I don't know if this isn't going to sound good to you, and I apologize if it does because I never know what experiences people have on this front, but you may want to look into being tests for ADD, specifically, the inattentive kind. Being this bad at staying focused is not what a chemically balanced person typically deals with. Most everyone I know who is this bad at staying focused and making themselves do things they dislike in specific have earned themselves a shiny attention deficit disorder diagnosis. I'm saying this because if you do happen to have a chemical issue, chemical treatment may be awesome. I'm not in any way trying to brush off your concerns or make it into a 'well you're just wrong' kind of sentiment, for me, at least, knowing there's a chemical issue causing dysfunction makes me feel less broken. Sorry if this is not what you want at all. That said, fuck. That's bad times and I'm sorry you're going through them. The inability to MAKE MYSELF DO SHIT is the bane of my life, cause it just gets worse with time, and then how do I tell my father that I've procrastinated two months on getting my shiny new gift phone working and now need help? Whoops.
I definitely do have ADHD problems and am on medication. But what is even normal focusing ability? Plus I'm at the highest dosage of what I do take and I can't take the more common ADHD meds like Ritalin without risking aggravating another condition which would result in me still not getting shit done
Well, glad I didn't make a super erroneous assumption. That sucks even more, then, and I apologize. I know probably... no one who has been able to deal perfectly with ADD, or even well. It's fucking tough to nail that shit down. Damn, you've been working hard, and I'm sorry it's not been working with you. -solemn internet fistbump-
-fistbumps- Right now im panicky because I'm probably going to fail at least one of my major classes that's a prerequisite for everything else and I've been trying to just get a bachelors degree for over 4 years by now and eventually my family's going to stop paying. And they think I'm doing fine because I'm a lying liarpants so I can't talk to them about it. And I really don't want to fail out because I like this school
Ok, I have hope for one class since the final is pretty much the entire grade but I'm likely to fail the other two. I'm really scared that this will destroy any chance of pulling my gpa up and currently trying not to have an anxiety attack over it. Feels like my heart is going to explode out my chest though I once again regret every choice I made during the semester and if I flunk out of school, I don't think I can live with myself
Now I'm panicking bc today/tomorrow's when I get grades and there's a good chance I'll fail out of school. And how can I explain to my parents that after they started trusting me again, I lied about my grades and how I'm doing again? And the whole reason for me failing is just not showing up and doing the work? I don't think I can live with their anger and disappointment or with myself for breaking their trust. But I don't want to die and I don't see any other way out, especially when this hole is entirely of my own making
