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How to be kinder when angry

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by Astrodynamicist, Feb 20, 2019.

  1. Astrodynamicist

    Astrodynamicist Big Sperg Energy

    FWIW if y’all want to evolve the convo in this thread, I’m ok with it. I know I started it very specific to my situation, but I’m ok with it opening up. But if you’re more comfortable taking things elsewhere that’s obvs cool too!
     
  2. ChelG

    ChelG Well-Known Member

    No, it's okay. I was just kind of rambling and I didn't take it personally.
     
  3. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    Someone linked this article in a discord I'm in and i thought it might be helpful:

    https://www.npr.org/sections/health...mxuECh5rm5ZEIqUo_k9oKiMMgLd1tQrfDPPfZWUtv9gQE

    The tl;dr is to look for patterns in what gets you angry and try to identify...not the triggers exactly, but the type of anger youre feeling at the moment, since it tends to be driven by other emotions. (Helplessness? Upset at injustice? Grief? Sensory overload? Etc) Identifying it in that way can help w processing the emotion.

    I imagine this might be difficult for people who have a hard time identifying their own emotions (i cant recall the term for that at the moment) and i absolutely emphasize with the whole...thinking Im fine and then suddenly 100% pissed off thing. Its definitely something you work at over time.
     
    • Informative x 2
  4. Astrodynamicist

    Astrodynamicist Big Sperg Energy

    alexithymia?
     
    • Agree x 1
  5. jacktrash

    jacktrash absentee sperglord

    that's a brilliant article. i take issue with a bit of the 'we don't have a word for that' talk, because like... we do. for a lot of these. we don't need greek for a long term anger, that's called a grudge. but still some really cool ideas.

    i wish they'd given the hindi(?) words for these. they really are different angers. on the rare occasions that political anger gets into a relationship, it feels very bad. like sometimes i feel i have to beg and bargain for my very life because of my disability, when my spouse has the luxury of forgetting to wake me or feed me on time for my scheduled meds, or something, and it's really really different from arguments about who took the last maple yogurt, you know? very bad emotion there. do not like.
     
    • Witnessed x 1
  6. ChelG

    ChelG Well-Known Member

    Major source of my frustration; how can I tell when someone's misunderstood what I'm trying to say versus when they do understand and disagree? I end up digging myself deeper because I can't tell the difference, or when they do misunderstand I end up making it even less clear when I'm agitated. Best way I can think of to deal with this is to, if I notice I'm getting agitated, take a break, then say "I am trying to talk about X but I don't know if that's clear", but doing that would likely come off as patronising or just annoying. Are there words for that kind of frustration?
     
    Last edited: Mar 19, 2019 at 7:45 PM
  7. Aondeug

    Aondeug 宗教の学生

    You back off and cool down and then you go back to the conversation and ask to clarify what you had meant. Annoying or no, you need to be able to do that. Do not go in with the firmly held belief that you've been misunderstood. Just go back to the conversation and say that you want to clarify things again because you're not sure if you're explaining yourself just right. In general, if you can, a nice way of avoiding coming off like a pompous dick in these sorts of situations is to sort of present yourself as possibly being wrong. Like don't flagellate yourself in front of them, no, but do go 'I'm not sure if I'm wording this right' or some such. Apologize once perhaps, but not too much or too hard. In general try and put the brunt of the misunderstanding on yourself.
     
    • Agree x 2
    • Informative x 1
  8. ChelG

    ChelG Well-Known Member

    When I said "annoying" I meant I feared it would annoy the other person, not me.
     
  9. Aondeug

    Aondeug 宗教の学生

    I had assumed that. Apologies for not being clearer on that front.
     
  10. ChelG

    ChelG Well-Known Member

    Not a problem! Just wanted to make sure. (See, practising ;P)
     
    • Like x 2
  11. Astrodynamicist

    Astrodynamicist Big Sperg Energy

    Having trouble wordsing this but, it could also help to ask the other party sort of what they understand your stance or topic or whatever to be? Like if you are trying to communicate X, and I answer “you seem to be talking about Y” then it’s easier to see it’s a misunderstanding. And this could take a couple rounds. Like, “I think we’re discussing [jargon].” “Ok what do you mean by [jargon] because I’m not sure we’re using it the same way?”
     
    • Agree x 1
    • Informative x 1
  12. ChelG

    ChelG Well-Known Member

    I think you worded it fine! Thanks, that's useful.
     
    • Like x 1
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