How to be kinder when angry

FWIW if y’all want to evolve the convo in this thread, I’m ok with it. I know I started it very specific to my situation, but I’m ok with it opening up. But if you’re more comfortable taking things elsewhere that’s obvs cool too!

 

No, it's okay. I was just kind of rambling and I didn't take it personally.

 

Someone linked this article in a discord I'm in and i thought it might be helpful:

https://www.npr.org/sections/health...mxuECh5rm5ZEIqUo_k9oKiMMgLd1tQrfDPPfZWUtv9gQE

The tl;dr is to look for patterns in what gets you angry and try to identify...not the triggers exactly, but the type of anger youre feeling at the moment, since it tends to be driven by other emotions. (Helplessness? Upset at injustice? Grief? Sensory overload? Etc) Identifying it in that way can help w processing the emotion.

I imagine this might be difficult for people who have a hard time identifying their own emotions (i cant recall the term for that at the moment) and i absolutely emphasize with the whole...thinking Im fine and then suddenly 100% pissed off thing. Its definitely something you work at over time.

 

alexithymia?

 

Major source of my frustration; how can I tell when someone's misunderstood what I'm trying to say versus when they do understand and disagree? I end up digging myself deeper because I can't tell the difference, or when they do misunderstand I end up making it even less clear when I'm agitated. Best way I can think of to deal with this is to, if I notice I'm getting agitated, take a break, then say "I am trying to talk about X but I don't know if that's clear", but doing that would likely come off as patronising or just annoying. Are there words for that kind of frustration?

 

You back off and cool down and then you go back to the conversation and ask to clarify what you had meant. Annoying or no, you need to be able to do that. Do not go in with the firmly held belief that you've been misunderstood. Just go back to the conversation and say that you want to clarify things again because you're not sure if you're explaining yourself just right. In general, if you can, a nice way of avoiding coming off like a pompous dick in these sorts of situations is to sort of present yourself as possibly being wrong. Like don't flagellate yourself in front of them, no, but do go 'I'm not sure if I'm wording this right' or some such. Apologize once perhaps, but not too much or too hard. In general try and put the brunt of the misunderstanding on yourself.

 

When I said "annoying" I meant I feared it would annoy the other person, not me.

 

I had assumed that. Apologies for not being clearer on that front.

 

Not a problem! Just wanted to make sure. (See, practising ;P)

 

Having trouble wordsing this but, it could also help to ask the other party sort of what they understand your stance or topic or whatever to be? Like if you are trying to communicate X, and I answer “you seem to be talking about Y” then it’s easier to see it’s a misunderstanding. And this could take a couple rounds. Like, “I think we’re discussing [jargon].” “Ok what do you mean by [jargon] because I’m not sure we’re using it the same way?”

 

I think you worded it fine! Thanks, that's useful.

 

Sorry I kinda ended up hijacking this thread.

 

It’s totally fine!