Basically, I'm stuck in a massive downward spiral because, about a year after the last time it happened, the friends I currently think of family seem to be really irritated by my presence. It's more complicated this time because the core friends involved are also the residents of the trans-underclassman hall, and are all out. I am not out to the general public, but I do sometimes state my opinions about trans stuff when it's being discussed. (They're mostly similar to those of people on this forum, as far as I can tell, and are partially shaped by things Seebs said during the nouns-as-pronouns era a few years back.) Things I don't do: - Directly talk about depression!feelings or put people in a position where they can tell I'm having a meltdown (unless they literally walk in on it, which does sometimes happen.) - Demand for people to pay attention to me/try to emotionally manipulate - Intentionally act like people have to share my opinions Things I do sometimes: - Complain about classes, or the weather, or random other inconveniences on my mind - Have a negative worldview/make suggestions based on the most pessimistic possibility. (This has something to do with my depression. Unfortunately, fixing this will take a while.) - Am upset to find out about illegal things because I want plausible deniability - Tell people that using an illicit substance at some particular point in time is a Bad Idea - Get upset when people 'joke around' about self-harm/killing themselves - Say I'll show up somewhere at some time of night and then not show up because I was too tired - Continue to talk in conversations where people haven't been replying to what I say - Text friends to try to start a conversation when they haven't responded for a while - Repetitively offer assistance or things (usually food) as a friendly gesture even when someone's previously said no Things that I feel: - I feel that I am too needy, even with my avoidance of showing the external effects of how I feel - I feel that I am lying to myself about how well I treat other people - I feel that by trying to maintain contact with friends (by text chains, by joining conversations they are in, by sitting at the same table after asking for permission) I am being disrespectful of their boundaries, but I also feel that asking for the specifics of their boundaries is even worse. (This is shaped by The Last Time, where the friendship was broken off after I asked for clarification about whether something would be ok.) - I feel that I spend too much time feeling lonely, and have been wasting my time by trying to maintain friendships with people I enjoy spending time with instead of going out to find people who don't know me yet.
