I’ve almost given up.

Discussion in 'Brainbent' started by Yeah, Jun 24, 2018.

  1. Yeah

    Yeah New Member

    This thread contains rude language

    i debated making this thread but fuck it. I feel like all my other options have been exhausted to the point where its just beating the decomposing remains of something that vaugely looks like a horse. Ive been suicidial ever since i hit puberty, with bouts getting worse and worse. Nobody irl gives a shit. Ive told my parents several times that i am suicidial and they either tell me to get better morally/spiritually or shut the fuck up. Neglect is common and i often go without meals, my house is dirty and when it comes to any type of mental support i have a better shot talking to the rats in the basement because i will either be guilted, ignored or i have to tend for my parents having a mental breakdown. Ive been self reliant most my life when it comes to physical and emotional help and it fucking shows whenever i hit my breaking points.

    I am in therapy but its only once a week and i think about kicking the bucket, kicking the dog and all that crap every single day so safe to say its not sufficient. I cant call the hotlines in my country either because they are legally required to report abuse and child endangerment. Ive been in contact with cps and several state owned facilities as well as private therapists. None of them able to materially help even though they agree i was in a toxic situation. My situation has stagnated for years. None of these things have worked and i am unable to go to school, socialize or even leave the house most days. Its affecting my physical and mental health to the point where i as a teen am showing huge symtoms of fibro and often am in too much pain to to basic activities.

    I dont have much autonomy or ability to do... jack shit really. I’m stuck in bed 90% of the time and the rest usually consists of things like eating or maybe going for a walk. Its a pretty miserable, nihilistic life. I feel myself becoming less charitable, less of the person i want to be. I feel myself becoming less human and it fucking hurts so much.

    I’m also trans and the situation in my country is absolute shit rn. Social conservatism and lack of medical resources. As of now treatment is off limits across the nation indefinitely due to legal issues with trans people so that shit is down the drain in the near future. And no i cant just get out of the country, not an option. I have really bad dysphoria and usually leave the house covered up entirely, it treats my mental health the same way prisoners treat pedophiles. Oh and most of my family find trans people viscerally disgusting and try to “convert” me or convince me to stop being such a huge faggot, either by flat out telling me or by going after people ive been seeing so i feel constantly paranoid.

    Speaking of that i also have PTSD from a buncha shit. It makes finding work, school and all that jazz very hard. My therapist also agrees i cant cure my PTSD if I’m currently being abused. (You cant treat someone for poisoning and then go back to putting cyanide in their meals) And no, psychiatric medication isnt an option where i live. Not even the mild ones. All i can do is just survive but surviving is exhausting. Ive been in this limbo for most of my life and it just feels incredibly bleak. If you are frustrated reading this and dont see an easy way out, i get you. I am mostly just writing this because I’m so fucking exhausted, i cant deal with this shit. I aint ever commiting suicide because i know my abusers would exploit it, bigots would gloat about it and i would have a shit return on investment, but i really am at a breaking point, ive been at a breaking point for so many fucking years and every time i say I’m gonna snap, every time i fall into complacency again, its a vicious cycle but at this point its all ive ever known and i hate it so fucking much. It feels extremely hopeless.

    So yeah. I dont know. Just posting this out here, maybe someone has kind words or advice. I mostly just want this shit off my chest
    • Witnessed x 3
  2. KingdomByTheSea

    KingdomByTheSea Well-Known Member

    I don't have any advice unfortunately, but I wanted you to know that I hear you and I'm so sorry you're going through this
    • Agree x 1
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