Look at me. Documenting my problems! Hooray. Tldr seasonal depression is a bitch and anxiety is also a bitch So like. If I could stop thinking "I want to die" every time something distressing (or nothing at all) happens that would be great. I've been trying to tell myself "you don't really, you're sad right now but you can handle this" but it feels like lying. And useless because the thoughts keep happening. And I went to the counseling center today and the psychologist's assessment was "you are very stressed" and like? It feels good to have someone else say it and validate me and everything. But. Ok? I'm stressed? How do I become unstressed? Short of just flipping an off switch in my brain? Because when I was alone during break and just laying around and reading fanfic and tumblr and playing tappy games all day I was lethargic and didn't feel good? And now that I'm back in classes I've got headaches and I can't sleep and my back and neck are super tight and painful. So relaxing and doing nothing didn't help. Being with my family was fun for a while but I couldn't take more than a week, and then the holidays were over and it was just lay around the house but also stress of having people in my space. And being busy didn't fix it. So ...idk. if I took a semester off I would go even crazier. I want to do art again but... I just... can't and that feels like making excuses but... I feel like I don't enjoy anything? I don't do anything fun? I go to the pool but I don't even like to swim anymore. No one can meet up for dnd. There's no lasting satisfaction in anything. I am such a pathetic person and I'm a useless lump and. Bluh. What if I feel like this forever? I can't do that. My voice was so dumb today. Like, I sounded like a baby and also a suck up. I put "nonbinary" on the form at the psych's office but ... I'm still all what if I'm faking that too... and confusing a weak female identity for not having a gender? I'm glad the university has that on the forms and ppl can be open about their correct gender and everything. But even being asked the question at all is super stressful to me. Ok gonna just hit post before I chicken out and erase all this.
So it turns out I'm going to need to get an internship this summer. Parents are hammering the issue pretty hard. Like, in the field I suposedly want to make a career in. I don't even frigging know what I'm going to do with my life. And apparently I'm going to survive to find out and not fade into oblivion before my 21st birthday. In my head "the future" has always kinda been this massive cloud of fear and mystery marked "here be dragons". Specifically relating to the idea that I would have a job? Like an adult? People might... pay me money to do tasks?? Fuck. How do??
Spoiler: sorry if you didn't want comments! witnessed every single thing you wrote is the most Relatable thing i have ever seen i have no advice but i do have validation and internet hugs if you want them
I think I want to stop taking wellbutrin maybe? My anxiety seems to be getting a lot worse since my last appointment. The wellbutrin was supposed to help with executive dysfunction but I don't think it's doing that well enough to make up for making me so anxious. Like I'm almost through the first 2 weeks of class and I haven't skipped any on purpose yet (overslept one day though fml) even though the desire is definitely there. But 1/8 of a semester isn't a good indicator and I usually don't get majorly burned out until later anyway. I kind of hate school but leaving means finding a job. And all I've ever done is be a student and I'm not even great at that. I know I shouldn't be negative towards myself like that. I was talking to my therapist (I have to get a new one every semester because the interns leave every year, but I like the new one from the 2 sessions we've had) and basically she postulated the root of most of the issues I brought up was anxiety about being judged and/or rejected. Like, I'm scared to reach out and make friends and be social because I worry that I'll do something stupid and they'll think I'm stupid or boring or just not a cool or interesting person. Applying for jobs or going to the career office is basically asking "am I good enough" and I'm sure that the answer is no and even if I make it and get a job or enter a friendship there's always the option that I'll be found unworthy later and eventually they (employers and friends and teachers and basically everybody) will reject me. I want to not give a fuck what ppl think of me. But I do. I give so many fucks.
Shit shit shit mother of fuck oh my god Welp. Failed step 1. First missed assignment of the semester. I feel so stupid. I completely forgot it and it was supposed to be in by 5 pm and oh my god
Gross shit tw I guess? Skin picking. Why. My leg scabs were getting better but I scratched them all open again. They're all red and painful and probably got infected from being picked open over and over. I'm telling myself "don't pick don't pick don't- " and my nails brush the edge and suddenly whoops I'm bleeding again. For some reason part of my brain is convinced that if I dig deep enough there is new healthy skin and the stuff I've got now is corrupted and needs to be pulled away. I know all that's underneath my skin is blood and other bits not meant to see the surface but... I can't stop myself? I can't wear bandaids for more than a day or two because the adhesive irritates my skin and gives me a rash and I scratch that bloody too. *Frustration intensifies*
Notes about therapy today so I remember later: -set an alarm to get myself to look at my planner - call it something positive. I'm looking ahead at what I can do, not looking at all the things I've missed or screwed up. -I might legitimately not want to do an unpleasant first task like get out of bed or go to class, but I want the positive end result like "good grades" or "a clean house" so if I focus on the positive end reward I can get myself past the negative task. (Hopefully) -Learning I messed up when I thought I was on top of things is more upsetting than missing something when I know I'm scrambling to keep up. That is ok and normal. Mistakes happen to everybody. - My life is for me, I am allowed to live it to make myself happy. Other people's opinions are not the final say on my worth as a person. -schedule things I enjoy and time to relax because being overstimulated and stressed out all the time is bad for me -there are ways to exercise self discipline and make positive choices without using fear and shame as a choke collar
Programming is too hard, this professor's assignment makes no sense Aaaargh. Insomnia is bad and frustrating and trying to be productive and do homework even though it's 4am is a bad idea. I have class in 3 hours, my head hurts I can't breathe through my nose and I want to die. Like... I just want to stop hurting and to be able to breathe and sleep and to not taste blood all the time because of my stupid braces!! I don't feel like I am making unreasonable demands here!! And then I could maybe catch up on the literal flood of assignments. But right now I just want everything to Stop.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaah Literally nothing bad is happening. I just feel terrible for no reason. "The bus driver is obviously judging me" No, brain, you're a dumbass and the bus driver doesn't give a shit about how you wave down a bus. You can look as stupid as you like and it doesn't matter at all. You are on the bus and moving toward your destination therefore your objective is being accomplished. Everything is fine.
Welp I had a breakdown in front of my dad when he mentioned internship applications. I dropped the "suicidal ideation" bombshell. Like, he knows I am super depressed and anxiety disorder through the roof but I don't think I ever let on that it was that bad. For some reason he keeps trying to reassure me that I'm a good person. And like, hearing that helps but not as much as hearing it from someone I'm not related to because I feel like he's my dad of course he thinks I'm a special genius who's doing a great job. Like objectively, just looking at my courses and my gpa and shit I guess I'm doing something out of the ordinary and above average but the problem is I've been in gifted/accelerated/honors schoolwork since I was 6 so my frame of reference is fairly skewed. Plus from the inside I struggle a lot to get things turned in and I get Bs when I could be getting As if I just turned all the things in on time and put more effort and willpower into it. I just test well and I don't really know how to study hard or anything. Plus I'm not the only person in these classes (although I'm sometimes the youngest?) So other people are not only accomplishing the same "special" things, they're doing it better and not freaking the fuck out all the time in the process. And like... I know there are people who don't have jobs or internships so not literally everyone already has one but... those people are generally choosing not to and spending their time being social and having fun. I'm just failing to accomplish either of those goals. Some people even have jobs plus social life plus good grades so why do I feel so frigging tired after getting just school work done. Anyway, dad doesn't have any mental illness that he's seen a doctor for but based on criteria for adhd and how it shows up in adults mom and I are pretty sure they both have the primarily inattentive type which explains my bullshit I guess. The autism self dx'd is all me though. Never brought that up with my family because I'm scared they'll say "oh there's no way you have that" because they want to make me feel better and not have a "scary" label like that but... If I am autistic (which I only ever suspected after reading many threads on this forum) then... there's a reason? I'm not just messed up and bad and making things hard for no reason? There's an actual thing which makes things harder for me? It feels reassuring. Anyway I brought up dad cause he was saying when he was stressed or felt isolated he did physical work and hobbies. Something less cerebral that took him out of his own head and had a concrete product at the end like "lawn is mowed", "picture is painted" kind of thing. That seems like a thing to shoot for but ... I am so busy with school. By which I mean I lay in bed and feel bad about not doing my school work and then realise I missed a deadline and feel even worse.
Witnessed with the gifted student fallen on hard times thing. They don't ever really prepare you at school for the inevitable times when being smart won't be enough.
Roommate birthday party has resulted in astronomical increase in social anxiety I have an exam later today and I think I'm gonna be okay but I want to die and there are people in my apartment. I can hear them and they're talking about ppl that were at the party and what if they're judging me too??? Wanna die. Don't want to die. I don't know. Fuck. Okay. Step one is obtain a food. Check. Good job self! Step two is shower. One two three ...and... go!
Oh man, my roommate experience was generally really good, but there was that one Sex and the City birthday movie night with astounding amounts of fashionable haircuts and wine. I might as well have sharpied "Computer Troglodyte" on my forehead. Self care is good though!
Well fuck Guess who has majorly fucked up I think I missed a quiz but I'm too scared to check. But there's always a quiz online on sunday. And I didn't turn in the homework Friday because everything is too hard and too scary and I would have time to do it if I didn't feel like my brain was made of sand. Just. Fuck. I don't know what else I can do. Except like, buckle down and actually work and not be a waste of space. But that feels about as feasible as walking on the moon. I was almost on top of things last week but then I lost the thread of it over the weekend and just slept all day and didn't do anything. And when I try to work I go take a nap instead like some kind of stupid reflex. It's like every time I kind of get a handle on one single thing, something else (or multiple somethings) comes up and I drop everything and fall on my face. I don't know what I can do. I'm going to fail everything. No one even cares enough to notice because it's not like I have friends I'm in regular contact with or ... I hate hate haaaaaaate online assignments because I never remember until it's too late
No no. No nono nono o no. They're talking about me. And judging and I can't handle this. Oh god. Roommate plus talking behind my back plus overhearing hits all my buttons so hard. I don't want this to be bad like last time but I need Ansly to step the fuck off and never comment on whether or not I attend class ever again or I guarantee I will barricade myself in my room and only come out at 3am to replenish food stores. There is literally nothing that hurts me more than drawing attention and judgement to ways I'm not performing up to standards. I'm crying and my throat hurts and I'm just going to write today off and sleep until the weekend. Fucking insomnia. I haven't slept and my schedule is getting massively fucked over. And I took melatonin last night but I kept reading because fucking hyper focus I literally couldn't stop and I'm paying for it now. So much. I made it almost halfway before the first breakdown which is good. But. I'm burning out. Too many classes and they all want so much from me.
It is pretty fucked up that I feel jealous of someone saying how they struggle to get enough food because I also have trouble remembering /forcing myself to eat but when I do I usually go for super unhealthy stuff so if I just had better willpower I could make myself only eat salad and that would be better than what I do now. But I realize how bad it is to be jealous I'm not depriving myself even more but like... every message I get from society about food is like...consume less, shrink yourself I don't have an eating disorder I just suck at humaning
Ugggghhhhhhhhhh My roommate basically monopolized the fridge for a month with a metric fuckton of alcohol and nobody could get to their stuff or even tell what was in there and now she's going through and throwing old stuff away and seems really judgey about ppl not using stuff up or throwing it away and like...no one could find anything?? Because you filled the fridge with beer??? And bought a ton of party food that never got used???? I have Feelings about people shifting blame for things they are responsible for. And I feel very judged even at probably-innocuous comments.
Spoiler: passively suicidal I don't want to fill out a job application. I don't want anyone to judge me. I don't want to even get a job whether it's a part time summer gig or an actual career in my major. I want to die right now and never have to talk to anyone again and especially not anyone with authority over me. I want to go to sleep and never ever wake up. I want to stop existing. I'm terrible and lazy and the worst. I never asked any of the professors about undergraduate research and I'm running out of time and I need that for both my minor and honors stuff. I can never do anything right. I just want everything to stop. Like if somehow I magically had an awesome job and I didn't have to apply I could probably manage to show up and do it but as it stands I need to ask a total stranger to hire me and think I'm a capable human being when in reality I'm a stupid blob that cries a lot and somehow convinces people that they can handle being a person.
I'm attributing yesterday's spectacular meltdown to pms and being off my meds for a week. I'm resisting the urge to add "because I'm a dumbass" to that sentence because negative self talk is bad but I still feel it. Today I actually took all my meds and I feel a lot more productive. I emailed a professor about research things and went to Staples to buy a notebook. Still not touching that application with a ten foot pole. I ate some cereal when I woke up but I think I might be hungry again. Headache, stomach ache, that sort of thing. I need to remember to eat more before I'm up and doing things. It's like I'm convinced my own body doesn't actually use the things I learned in bio. Like, yeah other people's muscles need to metabolize glucose and make energy but I'm sure that I can skip breakfast and go to the gym and it'll be fine. Sometimes, especially low spoon days, my response is more like "oh my stomach hurts, I don't feel good, I'm going to take a nap" and then when I wake up I don't feel hungry. So... win? Except no energy to do things so more naps ad infinitum.
