i can't name things and this may become a relevant title

it wasn't a house, just an inaccurate address :|
but it's a very nice apartment aaa
i hope she rents it to me?? i think i did ok at pretending to be a person
i didn't do ok at the 3rd apt, but its too far away anyway. i dont do well if im left to carry the weight of the conversation. which is kind of why i don't start conversations. its taking on a responsibility that i know i can't fulfill. i probably should do it anyway. bleh

 

new year's is depressing and i don't like it

 

told my new therapist i would take specific talking-to-people actions. have procrastinated those and any other talking this entire week

...my english is not working good today

 

English does not always do the thing well. :( I'd be willing to talk though, if you'd like!

 

yeah it has all these useful concise words for things, but putting them into sentences is hard.
i'd like that, although see post above xd

 

If you have Skype I can hit you up there. I initiate conversations decently-ish!

(Oh gosh I'm sorry if I'm being pushy! That's not my intent.)

 

ha not pushy, and i have trouble taking invitations as genuine so itd be good anyway. my skype is [redacted]

 

Request sent! My display name is currently "a magic purble cartoon alium" but it changes a lot. :P

 

*gets mediocre but passing grades on exam that doesn't count towards final grade for a class she takes exclusively for fun* *"i'm a worthless human being who will never be good at anything and doesn't deserve anyone wasting time on interacting with her"*
brain plz

 

i get anxious about any hint of ...friend group dynamics? evidence that people are a friend group? not entirely sure why(but mostly sure).. idk, sleep time

 

I'm forever annoyed at my mom treating every opportunity for a job/scholarship or w/e as a great honor that I should be very grateful for and proof that I'm very special instead of a thing with pros and cons that need to be weighed
in totally unrelated news my new dept offered me a research internship that sounds neat but I ended up pretty burnt out in undergrad and I'm not sure that 20h on top of classes would be a great idea. I'm a slow person. I need down time. Plus I find research kind of paralyzing cause I deal badly with things without closed answers. otoh I now have meds and a good therapist and experience that tells me what kind of things tend to get me all panicky and stuck. And I can walk to class now, which is important

 

from now on, when I have to send an email I'm going to imagine I'm writing to that one really nice prof instead of some random stranger. I keep thinking another prof is him and it's..helpful

i messed up in at least two ways when signing up for classes, but i'm being proactive about solving them instead of massively avoidant!

 

annoying things about my new bedroom:

• 180cm length mattress, technically longer than me, but annoying anyway
• INSUFFICIENT LIGHTNING ASDGFJDJEJDJDKDKWKDNMD
• paintings?? lying against the wall???? that someone... is supposed to pick up.... someday....
• i can't reach the ceiling lights or the curtain bar

nice things about my new bedroom:

• high-ass ceiling
• huge
• wide mattress
• at least the bed doesn't have a footboard

random fact:

• there's a mountain range in NM called Big Burro Mountains. Or, literally, big-ass mountains

 

mmm internship interview.. thing.. tomorrow. I'd really rather not. It will be expected i have opinions and questions, and I really can't think those up during a conversation
eta: Is it going to be a "where do you see yourself in 5 years" thing? it didn't sound like it, but what do I know

 

You are allowed to prepare for these things, you know ;) Generally it's advised that for interviews you try to think about which questions will likely be asked beforehand and you think up a relevant answer that shows you in a good light :)

askamanager.org has loads of advice on how to prepare for interviews, she's awesome. Good luck tomorrow!

 

yeh i have some stuff for "common interview questions" and a rough outline of my opinions on things, but putting them into sensical sentences on the spot is hard, and adapting them to the actual conversation that is happening is also hard. and my family refuses to take it seriously when I ask them to help me rehearse xd
thanks for the rec and the well wishes! she does seem to have a lot of advice other than the usual. i shall do some reading and bullet pointing
eta: gdi i had forgotten to look into their actual specific research, good job, me

 

update: it wasn't a "where do you see yourself in 5 years" thing, it was a "we tell you about our research and then look at you expectantly" thing. There were a couple "questions?" that I just flailed at. I have misrepresented my problem. It's not just I can't come up with things on the spot, I can't think of anything to ask even now. we talked projects, money, and schedule, and I know there are other things that I'd like to know or things that I didn't totally understand, but i don't know what they are.

 

wheee i have a job, i guess. I'm still not sure that i should commit to a job but classes are boring af so far so i guess i might as well

 

oh god the thing i have to fill out has "tell us about your qualifications" sections. she said it would take a moment! that's not "a moment", that's "3 hours and a bunch of stress eats". we talked about these yesterday ffs

 

well that wasn't so bad but now I need to go buy cereal.