i can't name things and this may become a relevant title

i love the Realm of the Elderlings books. Just. *wipes away single tear* I love them so much. The Fool is my fave character of anything ever. makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. And Fitz's bullshit self-loathing and consequent terrible decision-making are #relatable.

I'm currently at the beginning of fool's assassin and. can the fool show up already. fitz is. not okay and it hurttts

 

oh thank fuck, my one friend wasn't actually ignoring me

 

Existing: why must I

 

relatable

 

i totally just stared at someone trying to get the wrong turnstle to let them into the subway for a while, and it didn't at all occur to me to help. I do things like this often, and I don't know why? Lack of empathy? The bystander effect? The fact that my brain has most of external reality labeled as "things we don't interact with"? trying to apply the golden rule while being an antisocial weirdo?
... maybe the third one? I don't know why my brain does this. It has gotten way better over the years, to where the last frontier is interacting with people, i think? I remember moments like being in the car and realizing I could potentially walk around on the landscape outside, that the fact that there was a marked path didn't mean it was the only possibility. or, when my parents got a computer, I always had to ask them to turn it on for me, because i wasn't... supposed.. to.... do it? to interact with a thing without a Real Person's blessing..

 

that said, the lack of empathy doesn't help.
and now that i think of it, maybe it contributes to seeing the outside world as not to be interacted with??

 

*has a cry over getting rightly told off for complying with a request that looked a lot like social engineering (but wasn't(well it kind of was))* I don't like that the world is like this

 

....or is he

Spoiler: unrelated, img

it a tiny lizard

 

I asked. he isn't. wheeee! i missed him

I managed to go to a pilates class! acted like a panicked zombie at the reception folks, but that was to be expected
hopefully i will be able to keep it up? it feels nice

 

a couple of dogs beat up my doggo and I am upset.

Spoiler: uncharitable, probably orthogonal

have I mentioned how much I hate small-town people

 

I'm really sorry your dog is hurt :C I hope doggo feels better soon, and you do too.

 

I wrote a gd novel

Spoiler: graphic dog violence?

so Tusca and I were going on our regular (when I'm at my parents') morning walk, when suddenly there's two orange dogs at least twice Tusca's size in every dimension walking alarmingly fast towards her from the direction of the fields/farms outside of town. I was hoping for some friendly-sniffing-and-going-the-fuck-away, but douchebag dog number one went straight for Tusca, threw her over, grabbed her by the neck/chest (with its teeth, of course) and started.. doing the thing that dogs do where they shake their head while biting something. With my entire dog. It was completely fucking teerifying, and her screaming is the most horrifying thing i have ever heard.
After an entirely too long fight where I basically tried to push the dogs away while pulling at Tusca's leash, extremely ineffectually, she managed to run away, chased by the dogs. I can't remember whether one of them got her before she got to our building? but it gave up and walked away. Near our door, Tusca looked back, and she had the reddest gd mouth.
We then went up to the apartment, and I told my parents what was up, and sat in the hallway opposite Tusca, probably sobbed a bit. I checked that she wasn't obviously bleeding and her mouth looked the normal color. I talked with my parents, Tusca started wandering around all the apartment slowly, looking pretty scared, and ignoring offers of treats. I then decided to go outside and try to get some pics of the dogs, but they werent around anymore. When I got back, Tusca still looked pretty in shock, so I gave her a while before trying to bathe her. When I decided to bathe her, she was still shivering under the ironing board my dad was using.... I bathed her anyway... Then we sat in the terraza for a bit while she dried. Getting betadine on her chest was an ordeal, but the wound seems superficial, if pretty big. At some point I realized that she was favoring her left forepaw. It doesn't seem broken, according to my dad. She seems to be okay otherwise, but she's probably going to the vet tomorrow. for the leg and all.

eta: no need for anyone to read the thing. in fact, probably don't. or do, w/e
eta2:that sounds weirdly conffontational but it's actually just late and im tired

 

Oh god, I am so sorry, that sounds horrifying. I'm glad you weren't hurt D:

 

@KathyGaele's Sub thank you for reading and replying yesterday

 

Any time, I hope your doggo is doing okay and you are as well. Dog fights are really scary and even though I in theory know the right way to respond to them, I always freeze up or panic when I see one. You did well and protected your dog friend and that's all anyone can ask.

 

oh. oooooooh the chest wound is from the leash. great. and that's probably what the dog was grabbing(?) that makes more sense

 

ugh I'd managed a pretty good streak of have doubt->ask question, for a couple of weeks, but now I'm back at have doubt->avoid communication+ruminate forever

 

hey, brain, guess whose problem it is if my new bosses really should have hired any of my classmates instead of me, a useless idiot who doesn't know anything about anything and has a good cv exclusively out of dumb luck? not mine! will you shut up about it

e...they probably all got asked and already had better plans anyway

e2. i feel like I've had this exact thought process in this thread before

 

i understand that not everyone has had my extreme privilege in opportunities to learn english and not everyone finds it as easy as I do, but aaaaaaarrggghhhhhhhh
e:"is important the floor for the wine?"

 

having less anxiety has absolutely destroyed my ability to do paperwork right.

(but doesn't mean i appreciate waking up from a nap to two emails with "URGENTE" in the subject line. grumble grumble)