i can't remember for shit and it's. kind of scaring me

ever since about eight months ago, my memory/ability to concentrate's been slowly but surely patching out. started out w/ me having a bit harder of a time writing because i'd just bluescreen and lose my train of thought halfway through an essay or what have you, and occasionally showing people dog pix they'd already seen. now it's...i have to write everything on my arms because i forget to write things in my planner, when i remember that i have a planner, and a lot of times i even forget that i wrote on my arms. shitting out a basic fucking essay is nigh impossible now, it turns out one rambly giant text wall that changes focus every time i blank out and forget what i was writing and what direction i wanted to go, and it doesn't matter how many notes i jot down or how extensively my outline's planned out because i can't keep track well enough to wrap my head around those things, either. i tell people about things that happened earlier that day, sometimes only a half hour or so earlier, and completely fucking forget that they were there to see whatever the fuck it was. and then, a couple hours later, after the 'yo tA we were literally in the same room' talk, i tell them again, with no memory of telling them the first time or of them being there. (until after, once i'm prompted, but even then it's blurry unless i'm specifically asked about things.) it's getting to the point where i walk three feet, stop, and regroup cuz i forgot what i was gonna do. repeatedly. it takes me half a goddamn hour to write a coherent paragraph because i can't hold on to what i'm saying long enough to write it out, which isn't doing me any favors academically. i know i could write, and write well, and all that shit, but i can't make it happen anymore and of all the fucking ways my brain's fucked me over i think i like this one the least.
so. i'm losing stuff faster now and really need to not drop out of highschool and remember to shower and eat and put pants on and text my boyfriend, and this def doesn't look like it's going away anytime soon. anyone with a crappy memory have any workarounds or strategies they use so i can keep from completely crashing and burning?

 

shit dude, can you see a doctor about this? because honestly this is a pretty scary level of memory/concentration loss and i think a pro needs to look into it.

 

Big seconds to this. This is not normal, and that it's been getting progressively worse is not even ADHD normal (and even ADHD normal isn't this bad). Definitely see a pro as soon as you can - or at least call your local hospital/clinic and ask to consult with a nurse.

 

yup this is dr time. the only thing i can think of thast would cause this kind of rapid degeneration of cognitve function in a young person like you is somethin g like a cerebral hemmorhage or stroke. its imaging time.

 

...that might have merit. p sure some of the other stuff i've been dealing w/ started around the same time as the memory probs (not that i can be sure! fuck.) that i'd been attributing to sudden new side effects from meds (that didn't coincide w/ any changes in dosage or drug type) would kinda make sense in that context
okay, i'm writing a reminder on my arm and in my sketchbook and on my phone so i've got a better chance of remembering to call (should i text a friend 2 remind me? i'm texting a friend to remind me)

 

the dizziness and the (extra, more than I used to) word flubbing and the hand tremors (esp the hand tremors, i sometimes can't do anything cuz they shake so bad) don't look so great in that light tbh

god i just
feel like such a whiner when i talk about this

 

oh jeez, word flubbing + dizziness + tremors? are you having a hard time reading words too? (like, not getting to the end of a para, but reading individual words?) because iana doctor, but this is seriously sounding like some sort of brain trauma. i was thinking tumor, but after reading pixels' post haemorrage and stroke also seem like plausible candidates, and anyone who tries to make you feel like a whiner for seeking help for any of those is an asshole who need a punch in the face.

also, please, if you start experiencing facial numbness or anyone says your face looks 'droopy', or you start slurring words, get help immediately, because those are potentially stroke signs and with what you're describing i would not take any risks there.

 

i have some speech issues so the slurring thing wouldn't necessarily be all that noticeable

i just kind of feel like i'm making a big deal out of nothing?? like i can string sentences together and draw most of the time and dizziness is dizziness and i'm okay enough to pretend that nothing's happening, sorta, and maybe it'll go away? or stop getting worse? maybe my head's just fucked and this is just a bug, not a legit problem, why would i want to irl stress anyone out with shit like this when they have actual stuff to do and things to worry over
(that is, objectively, really fucking stupid. i at least sort of know that. i am hoping that i'll continue knowing that well enough to convince my dad that going to the doctor's is worth it)

 

Hell no, you're not making a big deal out of nothing. My reaction in-thread was calm because I didn't want to make you panic, but my eyes got saucer-sized reading your first post. There's major cause for concern, here!

 

okay, seeing gp next week and going from there.

i skipped most of my classes today because i couldn't do the work even though i can do the work and staring at a piece of paper feeling horrendously stupid for several consecutive 50-minute stretches wasn't appealing to me, and math is now somehow my best fucking subject even though it's normally my worst because nothing's open to interpretation. got on the wheel in pottery and forgot i was throwing, wrecked the bowl i was making, a couple more patchouts but it's mostly been shaky hands/extremities and a bitch of a migraine today. this somehow got a lot less bearable w/ the possibility that it's not just shitty med side effects.

 

i'm really glad that you objectively know that the head-in-sand reaction is not the way to go, and that you have an appointment. it is really scary to admit that something might be wrong even when you need to if anything is going to get fixed.

good luck

 

i'm gonna periodically update this so i have something concrete to look at, i think.
just read 200+ pgs of a book, remember the word 'asymptomatic,' a biker gang of radical lesbians, and a quilt. i had the last handful of pages a couple minutes back

edit: i kept on crying cuz i was forgetting as i was reading and i could tell and it was scary as hell

edit x2: that's??? not??? even??? how??? my??? emotions??? work??? i don't friggin cry

 

started keeping a log, notable things 2day were really shaky legs, pinpricks of light in the corners of my vision, and presenting a project and patching out twice. (lost words during that too, it was humiliating)
dizziness in waves


Edit: can't draw, hands too shaky

 

apparently had a convo w/ someone, forgot part of the way through and said 'yo' like we'd just started talking. still have no idea of what was said, managed to play it off as me fucking around. kept a log 2day of shit i remembered that i didn't remember, things look a lot nastier on paper 8/

 

that's the scary part about forgetting: you can't even remember how deep the rabbit hole goes until you start measuring by rope length (or, in this specific case, page amount)

hang in there

 

Since you're writing this down, definitely bring the logs to the doctor when you go.

 

yeah, i will. with how fast things've started accelerating (because it's been bad but now it's Bad) i'm gonna march my ass down to the er if i can't get an appt cuz she's squeezing me in between ppl/things get worse in a way i can't or won't bullshit through. started noticeably losing words, that in conjunction w/ the forgetting mid-convo (if it happens again, which i hope it won't) could get obvious quick

update: seeing a doc 2morrow

 

I'm really scared for you, but I'm happy you're getting help. Just hang in there and keep track of things, please!

 

alternating between 'oh god this is so terrifying and legit and i need help' and 'ahahaha GOD i am such a LYING LIAR who LIES and i'm making a big deal out of nothing' because why the fuck not i guess??? ppl r saying it's legit but it still feels like i'm overreacting; i can mostly act normal which clearly equates to okay because if this was really an issue i'd be a lot worse off rn and wouldn't be able 2 hide anything???? is the thought process. can mostly tell that logically it's jacked but it def doesn't feel that way

managed my first somewhat noticeable online fuckup earlier! (how can you forget the things you've said when all you have 2 do is scroll up a couple lines???)


edit: clarified first para a bit

 

Damn, I hope you can get medical help soon because that sounds terrifying =( I am keeping you in my thoughts.