i can't remember for shit and it's. kind of scaring me

BOTH my legs were shaking like crazy earlier, which is just awesome. i was washing doggy dishes at the place where i volunteer and i had to stop and brace myself up against the sink cuz i was worried that i'd fall over and not be able to get my legs under me to get back up
patched out a couple times and almost ended up skipping cleaning out some of the kennels, was def slower than usual which really sucks because scrubbing dog shit should at least be w/in my realm of capability

 

hey, are you making sure you're eating regularly? i get the shakes real bad when i forget, and if your memory isn't so good lately...

 

yeah. i have 2 be rlly rlly on top of that cuz i've had probs in the past and skipping meals ends up settin a nasty precedent (i have, like. mealtimes scheduled on my phone n jazz)

thanks 4 bringin that up tho! i def have that prob when i'm not doin so hot and avoiding food

 

some kind of fuckup with the neuro appt scheduling so now it's. who the fuck knows when.

 

fuck.

 

that is REALLY REALLY not good *hugs*

 

okay, i am getting really fucking tired of my rents screaming at me for forgetting stuff even though they know i'm having problems w/ that
i'm dizzy and tired and shaky and i don't always know where i am and the amount of shit i'm getting done semicompetently is pretty fucking decent, considering, i do not need to get hollered at every single time i come within range about the 1001 ways i've been a complete fucking idiot today, i get it

 

hey, dude, maybe try calling the psych's office again and seeing if they can get you bumped up the neurologist's waitlist.

also your parents are jerks.

 

@budgie will do! i'll do that tomorrow, know i'll prolly check this thread at some pt during normal calling hours

they seem to think that it's not a big deal because i'm not outwardly freaked and i can mostly get around okay w/out anyone noticing something's wrong, which clearly means that nothing IS wrong, which is kinda 8/

 

dude if your parents don't think it's a big deal make a point out of "okay for a second i didn't know where i was" or "wait what are we talking about again"

like stop faking it in front of them, one would think this would help them understand that there is something physical and neurological underpinning all of this

 

@pixels i've been trying 2 do that, esp around dad (he's the one i'm around more and is less quick 2 anger) mum just thinks i'm not 'trying hard enough' and gets angrier, like she thinks i'm just using it as an excuse to get out of shit. idk how 2 win w/ her?
we just don't, like. see each other a lot? which is part of the problem. my family avoids each other like the fucking plague, there's maybe an hour total in combined existing near each other time cuz of shared meals and then whatever time's spent in the car, which happens a couple times a week. and this hasn't exactly made me more outgoing 8/
i should try and see them more, maybe that'll help? i just really don't like being vulnerable in front of my parents, particularly my mum.


(also: longer 'oh fuck where am i' moment than i've had before, looked at the schedule on my arm but didn't remember enough context to parse it. maybe three minutes to get my bearings again? and a lot of patchouts while talking puppets with Weird Art Friend. couldn't pass it off as anything but what it was, this time round. he looked worried, hope he doesn't think i wasn't listening)

 

How do you think your dad would respond to reading this thread? You could c/p the stuff that wasnt likely to piss him off and not have to worry about underplaying things.

 

@Lissiel that'd def be more efficient and likely effective than what i've been doing, ahaha.

(4 later dadly copypaste- lymph nodes on the back of my neck r all swollen again like they were a year or so back. not painful, just hard and lumpy n there. idk on relevance)

 

okay, new neuro appt scheduled for 12/9/15, at 11! earliest i could get

 

i had an essay due at some point and i don't ever remember it being assigned
not even, like. 'oh! i somehow forgot thing, i remember now and am full of shame and self hatred!' it's just
not there
i don't even remember forgetting
teach was glaring at me and did the huffy lil 'i'm disappointed in u u disgusting lazy child, something something potential' sigh that i've been getting more and more of and i
i can't even do fucking high school work i should just kill myself now and get it over with
or i would if i had the energy i guess
whatevs i'm 2 dizzy 4 this
neck lumps have gotten bigger n more tender, my head hurts all the time, i can't remember for shit and i had a couple hours where my hand was 2 shaky 4 writing, which is just super awesome cuz it happened during school but i didn't cry when i couldn't tie knots even when i struggled 4 20 min at it so imma count that as a win

 

This is sounding like something to address sooner rather than later. Might be ER time?

 

i'm seeing my gp tomorrow or wednesday, one of the two. it's on the calendar. if something's rlly obvi bad she'll prolly do something, she's p cool. u think that'd be soon enough?
(and my rents won't wanna go anywhere now, anyway. it's 9pm on a monday, super inconvenient)

 

That's definitely a lot better than December. I hope she takes you seriously, you deserve actual help :/

 

she's been good before
hoping since she's my gp and not the new bby fellow i have handling my psych meds she can do a lil more for me? and i've had neck lumps before, maybe a year and a half or so back, so there's precedent when i ask abt that

 

Yeah, I hate to say it but having physical symptoms of something will force them to actually acknowledge that something's going on.