i can't remember for shit and it's. kind of scaring me

I want to fight your mother with a leg of ham.

 

that's a new one

 

mri tomorrow! at like 730 am, ew. i'm gonna have to get up at five.


notable things that have happened recently:
- forgot what was happening while i was walking through a parking lot and almost got hit
- i have to follow behind people when we go out because i don't actually remember what's going on, which is terrifying. like it's not even little patch outs anymore, the confusion's lasting a couple minutes? been holed up in my room a lot because it's familiar and people-free, not leaving the house anymore unless i'm forced (it's christmas break. i should be doing friend things and boyfriend things and many many things but going to other ppl's house/going out have too many variables for me to get hung up on. so much harder to guess on what's going on in unfamiliar places. the patch outs get super obvious and i don't like how worried they make my friends look, rlly kills the mood.)
- i know there was other stuff, but i can't remember it (i wonder how long it'll take for that to stop being funny to me?)

 

aaaaaand the machine is down. awesome

 

up again! so glad i don't have to reschedule

(sorry 4 the liveblogging, kinda nervous)

 

that was loud and cold and unpleasant! but it is over, and now i can go get bagels.
(was afraid that i'd patch out during the mri and flip a tit, but while i did get confused my response was to kinda chill and take stock, not 2 immediately start struggling in the scary cold noisy tube. yay me!)

 

Congrats on making it through the MRI. Do you know when it's getting read?

 

You are a fucking boss of badassitude and not being afraid of anything, holy shit.

 

mri guy said neuro lady would have it today, because i do all my doctor stuff at a university so they're all on the same system, but i'm not hearing anything abt it til the next appt w/ neuro lady i don't think. but, like. imma ask my dad later for confo because it's been a rlly bad brain day 2day and my memory of the whole ordeal is like 40% holes

 

thing that's still knocking around my head: mri guy told me 'good luck' when i left and while i get that that's supposed to be reassuring it. really really wasn't.
brain, pick a new thing to fixate on that isn't related to your inconvenient deterioration

 

Hey dude, just wanted to check in. how are you holding up? Any news? I'm rooting for ya.

 

@Rongeur so i wrote out a whole big thing but it started to read a bit like one of those conspiracy theorist websites where everything's all one paragraph so here's the tl;dr version- headaches are worse, tremors mostly chilled out and then got worse when school started again so prolly aggravated by stress which i'm writing down to bring up to neuro lady, adhd eval in a couple days and then another neuro appt a bit after that

 

unexpected upside of forgetting all of the things constantly: i'm suicidal rn, but every time i get to the point where i could maybe drag myself out of bed and do something my brain resets and it's back to square one. which i would think was awesome if i wasn't too busy being in the kind of headspace that makes having a near full bottle of amitriptyline on hand seem awesome

 

*hugs* I have no idea if that helps, but hugs. If you wanna talk about anything, please feel free to PM me!

 

Please do not kill yourself that would suck egregiously and i would not forgive you. >:(

 

like
i know this is a Bad Idea
the badness just isn't rlly mattering to me


but it's all okay because i'm too defective to actually take the steps i'd need to take to make dying happen. deathblocked by my own shitty brain while it's actively trying to kill me. incredible

 

You're not defective, dude! I'm glad you don't have the executive functioning to kill yourself, though, that would deprive the world of a you and that would be the worst.

 

Listen i will fucking fight you, i said no. Killing yourself is not damn well allowed. You are going to give your doctors and medicines the time they need to make you well and then you're going to go be amazing and happy.

Im glad theres something preventing you from doing a stupid thing but for reals. No.

 

teacher called me up today and ranted about how awful my essay was and how i clearly wasn't trying yada yada yada, nevermind it took me seven goddamn hours to write and scads of planning sheets. i'm not arguing about the quality of the essay; i know that it was horrible, i know it read like some middle school bull scribbled out in thirty minutes by a kid on a pixie stick high, but she refuses to fucking believe me when i say it's the best i can do because i've done better before, when my head was less fucked. and my school won't take the note for whatever reason so i need to call the social worker in and have some shitty ass meeting where i forget what's going on twenty nine goddamn times and look like an uncaring dunderfuck to everyone else present, and i got the worst fucking reading comp grade i've gotten in my life, a fucking c, and while that probably doesn't sound like that big of a deal i always get a's, i only ever miss one or two questions, and it's the easiest shit ever. it was hard this time, i can't make the connections, and i know the difficulty hasn't changed, i'm just getting stupider and more forgetful and jesus fucking christ what the hell is happening to me

 

I can't believe they're choosing to believe that you're just deciding to spontaneously be a poor student instead of accepting that your decline in ability is due to a real, out-of-your-control problem. Sympathies.