My problems aren't very bad in the grand scheme of things, but I guess I could use some reassurance. About 7 years ago now, in my first year of grad school, the depression that I'd been dealing with for years finally hit critical mass. I shut down completely, could barely get out of bed, missed a ton of classes, couldn't do schoolwork, slept 12-14 hours a day, and had near-constant thoughts of serious self-harm. (Looking back, I suspect that undiagnosed executive function issues may have been a large contributing factor to ending up in that state, but it became self-sustaining pretty quickly.) Fortunately, a professor noticed that I was taking a nosedive and pushed me into getting some help. I took incomplete grades in all of my classes, went home, got on medication, and got into therapy. After a few months, I was able to go back to school on a reduced schedule, and I got my PhD last year. I had a couple other downward spirals during grad school - none of them were as bad as the first one because people were watching me like a hawk and I was more aware of the warning signs, so I was able to get back to a therapist before I crashed completely. Then things would get better for a while, and then 12-18 months later it would happen again. Well, it's been 18 months since my last crash, give or take, and I can see some of the early signs starting. My sleep schedule has been getting less regular. I am losing my ability to do simple tasks that are out of my routine. (As a small silly example, my vacuum cleaner has been broken for 3 months. I know exactly where there is a vacuum repair place. I have not gotten it fixed.) My focus is going to shit and I get stuck in loops of doing things I don't even enjoy. I'm an introvert at all times, but socializing seems even less appealing and more exhausting than usual. I know what the answer is. The answer is that I need to get back to a therapist before I hit the point where I can't take any action to pull myself out of this. I'm just tired of the whole thing. Frustrated, because I have a good job and a good life and my brain is still doing this crap. Scared, too, because I won't get the kind of accommodation here that I did in grad school - if I can't keep myself functioning, I'll lose my job. Does anyone have a hug for me?
All the hugs. You may need to make your peace with this being a thing that happens. I go through a similar cycle and, though ive gotten pretty good at noticing when things are starting up again and heading them off, its still always a thing i gotta watch out for. But thats ok! Life goes on, and its a thing you can learn to work around, and it doesnt have to get totally awful every time. You can totally get through this, and its going to be okay.
Hugs hugs hugs! Switching from a school environment that's pretty supportive of the brainweird to a work environment is always nervous making. Here's to hoping you have awesome coworkers/supervisors - I know a few friends who've had pretty surprisingly fantastic jobs in that regard!
Hugs from another depressed person who gets frustrated over said depression. Troubles and struggles are relative, and yeah, there are people out there who have it harder, but in the sphere of your existence, this is hard, and that's all that matters. You'll get through this.
FWOOOSH. (that was the sound of my hug blasting up, up into the stratosphere. soon it will land wherever you are and tell your brain to cut that shit out. it'll be okay, you're not alone, and depression can go fuck itself. if you need advice or motivation or inspiration or whatever, we're here to help.)
