I have a weird relationship with my sense of identity and image

Yep. If I can call myself a fan of sports anime even though I don't even plan to watch Kuroko no Basket, you can call yourself a fan of character-driven RPGs (or whatever kind you like!) without having played them all. You can like a thing without being an expert on it. The little fandom gatekeeper in your head can kiss my ass.

I wonder if looking into the things you like and picking apart precisely what it is about them that appeals to you would help. So you could go even deeper than (for instance) "character-driven RPGs" to things like "I like stories with X theme" or "I like X type of character/ narrative style/ combat system/ aesthetic/ atmosphere." It'd give you things that are very specifically defined, but at the same time less rigid and more open to interpretation.

 

okay if we're going that route, then "I like storytelling that has lots of hidden intentional foreshadowing and that when you go through them a second time everything takes on a completely different meaning... but also that finish in happy endings, AND whose themes match up with my view of the world and people, at least for the most part."

Also self-consistent timetravel. With rules that make sense.

(Aka, no Homestuck-like story that intentionally conveys the theme that that one famous post that everyone loved but that really pissed me off because it said that "the potential of humans and free will was infinite and boundless and you can be anything you want and identity is 100% fluid and moldable to all possibilities and narratives are oppressive to that inherent freedom of humans" and that post managed to singlehandedly send me into an extra depressive spiral for a week so that was fun.)

((Compatibilism. If the story is about free will I want the theme to be structured compatibilism.))

 

There's a lot of interesting identity-things there! It implies things about you, without locking anything in place necessarily. Like, it suggests that you like analyzing and picking things apart logically, that you have strong opinions about the nature of identity and free will, you like to see things turn out well for other people even if they're fictional, and you happen to know a lot more about philosophy than I do. That's all stuff that distinguishes you as an individual.

 

@evilas ooooh, media like that sounds interesting. I love well foreshadowed twists. (And even poorly foreshadowed twists that still manage to keep me guessing until they're revealed.)

*googles compatibalism*
Hmm. Time for another infobinge.

And I agree with @paintcat too. Having strong philosophical opinions is part of identity as well. As is liking to look at things analytically and wanting happy endings for the people/characters you care about.

The Homestuck post is also interesting to me, but mostly in how differently it makes me feel than how it makes you feel. I am 100% behind the idea that *anything* is possible, given enough effort, cooperation, and a long enough time scale. I'm not sure what it was about that that sent you into such a tailspin for a week, but what immediately lept to mind is the idea that "since everything is possible, the fact that I haven't done X, Y, and Z means I'm just a terrible person". Which is wrong because you can't derive an "ought" from an "is", and also because "everything is possible" does not mean "everything is easy, or worthwhile, or even good".

But that's just me shouting at my own brain so...

(If you like logically consistant time travel, may I suggest Branches on the Tree of Time? It's a Terminator fic where Sarah Connor is a hyper-rational computer science professor at UCLA instead of a waitress. It does get dark, but the ending is... relatively happy? TW for, well, everything Terminator includes, times at least two. Nothing that would push it into NC17 territory though.)

 

Hmm, no, what it was was less "anything is possible" and more "people can be anyone they want", sort of like a "everyone is, in a sense, everyone, because of all the boundless potential they have", and it was really damaging to my sense of "trying to figure out the singular person that I truly am". If I don't have "a true self" what like, how, how does that even make sense, from any point of view, at all? it's just... no!

It is so clashing with everything I want to learn about the world and myself that it almost feels like the text is physically trying to rip my identity away from me, because part of my identity is what I am not.

((To be fair, the worst depression tailspin I've ever gone through was the ending of Homestuck so, yeah.))

 

It reminds me of the sense-of-self problems associated with BPD. It's not something I struggle with myself, but for someone who doesn't have an intrinsic sense of who they are, the idea that one's unique identity might change or get lost must be scary. If you don't have a sense of immutable you-ness, then "I can be anyone" sounds a lot like "I am no-one."

 

@evilas okay, that makes sense to me. At least on one level. If everyone can be anything, then how do you define what things *are* without any reference to what they *aren't*.

But can't you reference things and people and yourself by what they/you are *now* and not what they/you *might be* in the future?

Spoiler: musing on identity and self-image

I think... that I'm not thinking about self-identity in the right way. Bear with me for a bit, okay? I think defining our terms might help some. When I think about "myself", or my identity, I mean either my mind or the meat chassis I use for locomotion. At least for me the body's easy, it's what you look like, how you move, what you can physically do, etc.*

But the mind is a little harder because we can't hold a mirror up to our consciousness and see the individual traits at play. Nobody starts life with a character sheet all layed out defining their abilities and preferences and personality. All we can do is observe how we react to events and draw assumptions from there. I think it might be very helpful to your sense of self to take a look at how you react to situations, both enotionally and practically.

So just as an example: Your friend comes to you bleeding from a bad cut. You feel at sympathy and a desire to help. From that you can tell you care about other people. You pull a first aid kit out of the trunk of your car, where you stashed it for just such a situation. From that you can tell that you're a person who likes to be prepared, and who plans for things. While cleaning and bandaging the cut, your friend flinches in pain. You apologize but continue cleaning the wound. From that you know that you're a practical person who values long term health over short term absence of pain. When it's all over your friend hugs you and says thank you. You feel a sense of pride at having helped them, and a sense of relief that they'll be okay. From that you know that you value the wellbeing of your friends and also that you value *being the kind of person* that values the welbeing of their friends.

Does that make any sense? And did it help any?

*(Yes, Cartesian Dualism. I know, I'm a bad materialist. The mind is a product of the brain is a part of the body, but you get what I'm trying to say above, hopefully.)

 

:O

That...

....holy shit yes. Yes, yes, exactly that. That's what that post made me feel. Thank you!!!

Ok, that makes sense. Try to figure out how I "naturally act" and work from there.
Though to be honest, I don't know how to see that. I haven't really been in a huge variety of situations... and sometimes I unconsciously force myself to act in ways that reflect the person I think of myself as being even though those actions make me uncomfortable.

In fact, maintaining that relationship between what I feel, what I want to do, how I think of myself, and most importantly how I want others to see me is the basis for all my interactions with anyone outside Kintsugi. (that's what I love about this place, I can be myself with no expectations.)

 

Well, you can always put yourself in new and interesting situations. (If you aren't me and don't fear social interaction the way most people would fear a swarm of angry bees.)

I'd also note that "observing your natural reactions" isn't the end of the process. The same way you can run into a conflict with what you want (a shiny new PS4) and what you know you *should* want (to put that money into your 401k), your natural inclinations can come into conflict with chosen aspects of your identity. This is where it gets tricky, because you have to resolve that conflict somehow, and just like with everything else, the wolf you feed is the wolf that wins the fight. (So it's up to your sense of morality to judge whether your instinct or your conscious decisions are "right", because making decisions makes it easier to make those decisions the same way in the future.)

In short, everyone has preferences, and these come into conflict sometimes. Those conflicts are your opportunity to subtly shift your personality in the direction you think it should go.

Uuuuuugh. Same. Hat. In person I am *constantly* worrying about what other people think of me. I'm so different from the way I am online that it's kind of weird.

Again, like most things, you need to find a healthy balance between "doing what others like" and "doing what you like". If you never do what you like, you'll be miserable. If you never do what other people like, lots of them probably won't want to spend time with you, and then you'll be miserable as well.

 

Lol, I kind of do. Whenever I do a new thing I want to do it with an experienced friend so they can help me figure stuff out. Having no irl friends really complicates things, lol

Well ideally, I'd just do what comes naturally and I have friends who will help me figure out how my identity can get to properly mesh with that. But that only happens in Kintsugi, where I ended up making it a part of me so I almost never hide anything from anyone here.

...speaking of which, what kind of identity trait would categorize someone who hears about an awesome new thing and immediately wants to check it out and become a fan?

See, I disagree, and that's what I think is so great about Kintsugi: Everyone really appreciates you doing what you like, so you don't need to compromise yourself or put yourself in a situation you don't want to be in, and you can still have amazing friends. And when you do something you "don't like", you're doing it because the happiness you feel at seeing the other person happy, as well as being with the other person, is more than whatever "friend tax" you might feel you need to spend. No fake "going to the beach because yaaayyyy it's so fun I swear I'm having fun with you please kill me" required.

 

curious, adventurous, novelty-seeking, broad interests, open, open-minded, receptive, far-ranging

 

that is a... far more generous categorization that I'd have given me.
I was thinking more along the lines of "desperate, curious, obsessive, greedy for more information and experiences to the point where it becomes a problem"
Then again "your own worst critic" and all, I guess.

 

i was thinking about the trait of Being Interested In Trying Lots of New Things there, that aspect of it. 'cause, well, not everyone is interested in trying lots of new things. some people are more choosy, and some people focus more on doing a specific thing well than trying lots of things. so your interest in trying lots of new things is a You thing, something general and part of who you are and that means you have a distinct personality.

 

I... just remembered another identity weirdthing that happened to me.

When I first got Pokemon Go, I realized the names "eric, ericvilas, evilas, ericv, and ervil" were all taken.

I broke down in tears.

Now, if Eric was a chosen name then that reaction might be considered normal. But nope, it's 100% my given birthname.

 

Huh. That's interesting. Why exactly did you start crying, emotionally speaking what were you feeling, if you don't mind me asking?

 

I felt like I couldn't be me if I didn't use my own name.

 

A lot of creators are really sustained by the attention they get. I see this most clearly in fanfiction, but as best I can tell it's also true for a lot of other types of creative work. As such, hanging around and being approving of the kind of stuff that you like is still a contribution, because it means that you're giving the creators you like that extra push they might need to keep going.

Have you ever considered content curation inside a fandom, like listing off all your favorite Undertale fics?

 

Yeah I have, actually....
...well, I used to run this "Lucahsquotes" blog that was just quotes from one Let's Player I watch. Used to, because now I'm not active enough to, like, even keep up with her.