Man, it's been a rough few days. My fiancee, for a lot of reasons, does not live with me right now. I live with the third member of our poly triad, and the three of us are planning on moving together by the end of this summer. But not living with someone that important to you causes a lot of strain. She gets jealous about a lot of things, which is something I fundamentally do not understand and have been struggling to compensate for. I make a dumb mistake and forget we had something planned, and that was the last straw on her back, since shes been freaking out about jobs and money and her failing arm for weeks now, and the past 48 hours have been meltdown city. On some level I'm aware it's an overreaction, but I know she's not really reacting me to forgetting plans for one day, she's reacting to the fact that I went on to do something with my other girlfriend that she couldn't be involved in, that this happens to her so much and that hardly anyone pays attention to her and obviously she's jealous, who wouldn't be, but I've been kicking myself for days for making this dumb mistake and... I feel like another person who's fucked up for her. Her parents fucked up totally, almost all her friends left her eventually, she has no reason to believe that anyone will follow through with her or do her right, and here I am, also fucking up, making her fears look pretty justified. I hate it when I do this. I want to do right. I want to always consider her needs and not forget things and not fuck things up, because it's so important that one fucking person in her life is fair and nice to her. I want that to be me. But I don't always understand what's wrong and I forget things and, what with being poly, I'm not sure I'm even worth all this 'do right by a woman and make her secure' nonsense. Why do I think anyone would trust me? And... just getting bogged up in how I feel about it keeps making me blind to how she feels about it, and whenever I get her to really communicate how she feels, it always shocks me, because I guess I'm that bad at understanding other people. (that's something I always have been bad at, really.) How the fuck do you love a woman who believes she is essentially broken and that she's never be the 'main' for anyone? How do I convince her that it's accidents and that I never mean to leave her out and that I really mean that I love her and want to be there for her and that I won't ever leave? How do I get a person who thinks they will never be good enough to understand that that isn't my concern and that she doesn't have to be? How the hell do you do this right? I know none of this is really my problem. It's not my fault that she doesn't believe anyone really, really loves her or that anything will ever go well and go according to plan. I just wish I could do it right. I just feel like I don't totally understand her now, and that's why I can't quite do right by her, but there's so damn much, what questions would I even ask her to understand? / kind of lost no overarching point brain keeps shorting out honestly oh god i need to change the laundry
