I keep panicking about nothing and it's really fucking annoying (Now liveblogging recovery process)

Upd8 on things:

--I finally gave in and made the move to the new laptop, as the anxiety was literally killing me. Spoiler alert: the backups were just fine all along and the transfer went perfectly smoothly. I am--slowly--working on bringing myself to interact with the New Thing.

• Yes, I continue to realize how ridiculous I'm being.

--Other life worries re: money have since resolved themselves. Things are officially Better and I should, by all rights, feel great and light and relieved.

--Yeah, no. The change in circumstances has made very little impact on my emotions, except now the panic attacks have been--mostly--replaced by a bona fide Depressive Episode the likes of which I haven't seen since teenage years :/
--So I gave in and saw a doctor like I should have about ten years ago. According to him, I might have panic disorder, which would explain the disproportionate response to literally everything. I'm now taking sertraline, with hydroxyzine on an as-needed basis for when the panic attacks flare up or I need to sleep.

• I don't have a Proper Therapist yet, because the waiting list is eight motherfucking months, but I AM going to a walk-in mental health clinic on Wednesday, where they fix you up with one of the counselors in a similar way.

tl;dr Things are Looking Up, I do not FEEL like they're looking up because of Depression, I am grimly holding on until my brain chemicals get rewired to let me feel like an actual human being again.

 

Again, I think the worst part is just--not enjoying anything :/ It's reached the stage where things I like feel ACTIVELY TOXIC now, instead of just meh. Especially my special interests. Like... it hurts to try to watch the show I like, or read books I like, or try to write at ALL. It feels obscene. Like, just staring at the thing which used to bring me so much joy, and now it feels like this gaping, infected LACK. It doesn't feel good, or real; the parts I liked feel like a lie I told myself. I HATE IT.

Another horrible part is that I've become RIDICULOUSLY sensitive to what content I do consume; I can't handle anything even vaguely sad, or anything that even REMINDS me of something sad. And I'm a horror movie fanatic! I couldn't even handle the MILDEST of those!

But I can't watch anything that's like, overly happy or cute either, because that feels like a lie or like I'm being mocked. I'm down to mindlessly staring at sitcoms, basically. And that's fucking awful, because I get no intellectual stimulation and I THRIVE on that. I used to spark off story ideas like, a dozen a day; I haven't had a real original concept in like a month :( My creativity feels like a field that's been razed, and all that's left is the rough, stubbly ashes.

Again, my situation is now better so the only possible explanation left is my brain chemicals; which means there's nothing I can do but keep taking my antidepressants and wait for them to kick in. But I hate being mired in this slog in the meantime :(

 

Is it even anhedonia if I feel ACTIVELY BAD instead of just... Lacking in pleasure

:(

 

Oh, and guess who either has a bad seasonal allergies flare-up or the actual flu, and has lost all miniscule progress in energy and positivity?

Guess who had a full-on suicidal episode last night, IN FRONT OF MY MOTHER, and who can't call the doctor about it till Monday??

GUESS WHO'S JUST BEEN GRIMLY DRUGGING MYSELF WITH THE HYDROXYZINE PRETTY MUCH CONSTANTLY BECAUSE MY HEAD IS UGLY UGLY DESPERATELY MISERABLE AND I CAN'T STAND BEING ALIVE

I DON'T WANT TO DIE BUT I CAN'T STAND BEING ALIVE

 

So. I've spoken to my doctor and on the chance that it was the sertraline and not just a combination of Fuckfactors, he's taken me off that and switched me to 20 mg generic Prozac. I wasn't even on the sertraline for three weeks, so I shouldn't be having withdrawal from that, I don't think.

Got so goddamned fed up with my sick fucking brain today that I forced myself to watch my special interest anime and write a little on the new computer. Surprisingly, it wasn't the worst thing in the world; I didn't get that sick, lacking feeling, and I even experienced enjoyment. I haven't been able to enjoy my special interest and fic ideas about the OTP in--well over a month.

Hope it sticks.

 

Movies are apparently Acceptable to stare at now instead of sitcoms, as long as I make an effort to pick one that's not deadass boring. I've had a couple Thoughts towards story ideas today.

(Crosses fingers)

 

I've had a couple of good days where the lows are 'meh, I'm bored' instead of 'intensely miserable and unable to be comforted.' Again, fingers crossed.

 

Okay, I think it's safe to say that I'm officially Doing Better on the Prozac than I was on the Zoloft?

Thinking back, I'm also pretty sure that the Bad Episode I had WAS because of the sertraline. While I was on it, I had awful mood swings--i'd go from feeling relatively normal to THE BLACK PITS OF DESPAIR, sometimes on a minute to minute basis, completely independent of what was actually happening to me--that I didn't take notice of because, well, I was already feeling so shitty, I figured it was just me. But that stopped once I switched meds.

And the Prozac feels completely opposite--my mood is very stable, I stay firmly at the 'average' baseline, and when I do dip I just feel sort of meh, as opposed to said BLACK PITS OF DESPAIR. And I have high points now! I have the cheerful hopeful feeling in the morning again while I'm having coffee! I'm able to find things to look forward to, every day! I have been writing bits, here and there! I'VE LISTENED TO MUSIC ON MY LAPTOP AGAIN, LIKE A NORMAL PERSON!!!

A couple days ago I had the check-in appointment with my doctor, and I told him all of this and he was pleased about it, though he reiterated again that I'm to call him if I take a downturn like I did last time. He gave me the option of upping the dosage of the Prozac, but given how well I've been doing on the starter dose I chose not to, which he agreed was a good idea. I also have an appointment for a Proper Therapist in December, given that it's Very Hard to get into the mental health clinic like I've been trying to (it's a small city and this is one of the only mental health services that takes the Poor People Insurance; they fill up VERY quickly. The last time I went, the guy told me I basically have to camp outside the door before they open if I want to be seen, which is... A Problem)

Anyway, the meds seem to be working properly this time, and I haven't noticed any side effects other than occasional nausea, which--my digestive system is fussy anyway, I can MORE than deal with that. I am very, very hopeful that this is the pill I stay on, that keeps me from going back to the Bad Place.

Fingers crossed!

 

Ye gods and little fishes, I cannot emphasize enough how much better I'm doing with this treatment

For example's sake, I've had what I would classify as a 'bad week' (nothing has actually happened, but I'm coming up on shark week which has its attending mental bullshit). I've had a couple nonsense spikes of the anxiety--which I was able to grit my teeth through, and which did not come close to panic attack level--and the high points of mood kind of settled into a quietly meh feeling. And even with all that, I STILL did not plunge into that intense, poisonous malaise which made the simple act of existing so horrible. It's like there's a safety net under me, keeping me at a quiet, steady average.

Compare this to just a month ago, when I was going on uncontrollable crying jags on the sertraline and ended up screaming at my mother that I didn't want to be alive anymore. I scared her so badly that my mother--my narcissist mother, who can't relate to pain without making it about her! Who doesn't believe that depression is really real! Who hasn't taken care of me since I was old enough to read medicine directions for myself!--wrestled me into a chair and under a weighted blanket, and sat with me and played with my hair until the hydroxyzine kicked in. Like... That was the most surprising part, of this whole thing, and also the thing that made me the most alarmed, because how bad did I have to BE, to draw that response out of HER? D:

Or compare it to two months ago, where I was on the phone with the suicide hotline desperately chasing some sort of emotional calm so I could sleep, I knew I wasn't going to feel even a little better unless I slept but I COULDN'T FUCKING SLEEP, not even exhausted out of my mind and on a full dose of Zzzquil (chased by melatonin tablets because I was desperate and uncaring of consequences, Do Not Do That). And coming to the slow, awful realization that it was back, again, and that if I didn't do something about it I was going to die this time, and that it wasn't safe for me to be home alone anymore, and I had no idea how to explain ANY OF THIS to said narcissist mother and my sister who had a bad experience getting addicted to her Xanax and thinks all medication is like that. And wondering if this is the time I had to go to the emergency room.

Compared to THAT? THIS was a good week!! I did not once get that awful 'everything I enjoyed now hurts me' feeling, I'm making myself interact regularly with my new computer and making friends with it so I don't get that New Thing anxiety coupled with the crippling dose of 'you lost something important and don't knooooooow it' that my brain loves to throw at me--aside from those couple of hormonal anxiety spikes, even, there have been several situations that I KNOW would have sent me into a panic before, but now I just stand there baffled, as the situation happens and my insides stay completely calm. And I just... Go about my business. It's MYSTIFYING. My lows have been muted into the calm feeling, my panics are muted into the calm feeling... Even when I'm feeling relatively bad, it's a bad where I can stare mindlessly at a movie and feel relatively alright, and I can deal with that ALL goddamned day, that is a RELIEF.

And today was back to being a GOOD day! I read a Harry Potter fanfic! And I liked it! I made plans for homemade brownies with chocolate cream cheese frosting! I FLIRTED WITH A GIRL who worked at the dollar store and has complimented my hair like three times in a row! I haven't been bold enough to flirt with a girl in YEARS! And I'm pretty sure she knew I was, too, because she found a way to mention that she was pan just a few seconds later :D

(The really miraculous part is--my mom was right there! And I didn't CARE! I mean, sure, she tried to ruin it later with grumbling about 'I don't think she was trying to be your FRIEND,' and 'are you trying to teeeeeell me something' and her usual ominous inquiries into when I'm moving out, which she only brings up when she's pissed. And I STILL didn't care! Her finding out about me being gay used to be this huge, terrifying specter over my life, and now--Im twenty-six years old. I am way past people telling me who I can date. She's demonstrably too chicken to actually throw me out, and she's also demonstrably willfully ignorant about the entire thing, given that my aunt periodically outs me to her when the subject comes up and she willfully forgets by the next day. So I don't care anymore. She was right there, and I batted my lashes at a cute punk girl and giggled and felt SEEN, for the first time in this tiny little good ol' boy place. And she's already put it from her mind. There is so much POWER in that.

Hopeful again about a lot of stuff. Fingers crossed!

 

medication roulette sucks but I'm really glad you've switched it up and are doing better now

 

So am I, thank you!! Like I said, fingers crossed because I've heard horror stories, but I'm VERY hopeful about this one!

 

Okay, the first Bad Side Effect has reared its head: I keep getting REALLY sleepy. Like, wow. I've taken like five completely accidental naps in the last WEEK. I normally don't take naps at all! (They make my depression worse!) And this honestly surprised me, because everything I've read says that Prozac usually does the opposite. I mean, I'd certainly rather be sleepier than have my insomnia get newly and excitingly worse, but I seriously don't like dozing off after only being awake for eight measly hours (I normally have to go 24+ before I'm actually tired). And waking up twelve hours later groggy and dull and uninterested in absolutely everything, and nonspecifically sad on top of it all.

I'm also kind of suspicious, because the way I've been feeling the last couple weeks--super sleepy, multiple naps, FERALLY HUNGRY AND SHAKY, and just... uninterested in moving--is how I've felt during several winter depression episodes. I'm no longer feeling ACTIVELY bad--the Prozac continues to keep me above a certain point--but aside from those first couple weeks on it when LIFE WAS SHINY AND GOOOOD, I'm--still not operating at a normal level, I don't think.

I'm thinking about asking my doctor to up the dose, the problems with this being
1. I'm not seeing him till July
2. I'm not sure if this is a 'dosage not high enough' problem or a 'the pills are working as intended but you still have depression' problem
3. I'm not sure if upping the dose is going to make the sleepiness/hunger/general lassitude worse

Spoiler: Anxiety brain being RIDICULOUS

And HAHA I THOUGHT MY ANXIETY WAS BETTER. WHAT IT IS TO LAUGH. The latest in Bullshit Fears That Wreck My Day: it's summer. My fingers leave those vanishing little heat-prints when I touch my phone, and sometimes smears of sweat. This happens every summer, but for some reason NOW I'm fixating on it as Sweat Is Going To Get Into The Phone and I have to checkcheckcheck every single time I touch the damn thing and FREAK THE FUCK OUT OVER EVERY SINGLE SMEAR

I know it means nothing! I KNOW that if phones were too fragile to handle the vague stickiness of a sweaty hand they'd never go to market! I can't afford to start avoiding my phone too, it's the only thing that DISTRACTS ME

LIFE IS A FUCK

 

Oh, and I've noticed a demonstrable pattern: a life event that actually warrants stress will happen, I'll fail to react to it, and then later I'll hyperfixate on some SMALL MEANINGLESS ILLOGICAL THING and lose my shit over THAT

So... That's a thing I now know that makes me feel even more ridiculous in the moment.

 

I don't think what I have is technophobia, exactly, because I love my computer and my phone and the internet and all the things I can do with them. I don't know. It just all seems so fragile to me? Like everything I've stored in a digital format can be lost, at the drop of a hat, with no warning, forever. All my fanfiction and story ideas and art from the last near-decade. I've tried switching to writing in a journal and drawing in a textbook, but it's not the SAME.

Is there a word for, you love something so much that doing it is an anxiety trigger for you, because you never get to keep anything you love?

I wish there was like, a computer/phone anxiety helpline. Like tech support for anxious people. I don't know. It would just be really comforting to describe my worries to a knowledgeable, professional person and have them tell me in detail why the worry is bullshit.

 

Spoiler: Also a nightmare I had because I'm unburdening myself of all the shit tonight

I had a fucking hideous dream last night where a group of people were dumping these GIANT roaches over a helpless woman's face while chanting the word 'salad'. I don't know why that made it more disturbing. I think it was because she was terrified and suffering and they were all laughing at her like it was the best joke ever

 

Spoiler: Anhedonia

And I had another moment where I somehow managed to freak out the mother who thinks other people's emotions are inconveniences

Me: (flat) I don't think I like scary movies anymore
My mom, who has been complaining about my watching horror movies for literally decades: That's... Really bad

 

Another weird thing I've noticed--pretty much without fail there's a period of hours, roughly between eleven PM and eight AM I'd say? Where I feel normal. Like, NORMAL. This is the time of day where I can enjoy pretty much anything, just like I used to, without conditions or restraint, where I can plan future activities and look forward to them, where I don't have nonsense anxieties/lack of desire that keeps me from going near things I enjoy. I can read, watch a movie, think up story ideas, anything. Like a normal person. And I can barely understand how things are when I'm on the other end of the spectrum, like??? How could I ever be so dull and small and frightened?? Aren't there a million things I love RIGHT HERE?

And then right around the period of morning when the sun gets all bright, I slid right back into the BLUH state of things. And I stay there until the next night.

I don't know. That particular cycle has been happening for--months now? Since that time in spring when I was REALLY bad? And it continues to mystify me because, why am I feeling better at NIGHT? Shouldn't it be the other way around? Seasonal affective disorder is generally held to be caused by a lack of sunlight, so shouldn't the depression be better in DAYTIME?

I don't know. I'm mostly just noting this here for future reference.

 

Gave in and took a nap this afternoon despite Knowing Better

Woke up at TEN PM, despite setting an alarm. We were supposed to go grocery shopping today. I was supposed to take a shower today. My sleep schedule is ROYALLY AND LUXURIOUSLY FUCKED.

Screams

 

Why does daylight have to Be Like That. All sleepy-making. Why can't I be normal and get tired in the dark.

How in the actual fuck am I supposed to get back to sleep in a couple hours, so I can get up tomorrow morning which I absolutely have to do no exceptions?

Screams again

 

Why did I take a fucking nap I always know better than to take the fucking nap