Vent I was born with a leak!

Discussion in 'Brainbent' started by Charlie, May 18, 2017.

  1. Charlie

    Charlie I got no strings to hold me down

    'But you know I trust the writers so'
    I don't understand how anyone can say this about Andrew Hussie. I. I completely don't.
     
  2. Charlie

    Charlie I got no strings to hold me down

    hs epilogue made me a bit depressed and not even the good kind of 'this hurts but i feel a lot for these characters' kind of depression that hurts but is easier to crawl out of.

    like.
    nihilistic
    why do i give a shit about fiction
    or narratives
    or anything
    depression
     
    • Agree x 1
  3. Charlie

    Charlie I got no strings to hold me down

    unpopular opinion: i really like jake and tavros. yeah, whatever, softboy joke etc etc. but as people who are manipulated within their narratives so heavily they really speak to me. yes, i have a tendency to take joke characters too seriously (though honestly tavros is worse because he was one of the trolls with the most pesterlogs and treated seriously for a good while before hussie started really enjoying abuse jokes and cripple jokes) and if you pay attention or even care beyond the most superficial shit about those two, you are going to constantly be barraged by the fact hussie thinks abuse of male characters is really really funny except if its dave. yes. i care too much. it's been known.

    weirdly i feel like the only one he gives a shit about is dave. and that makes sense. he has admitted dave is closest to being him in the past.
     
  4. Charlie

    Charlie I got no strings to hold me down

    like, it's not even that this all goes to shit. it's that it's all so meanspirited, at the heart of it. im used to hussie dicking around with his characters.

    but this epilogue literally feels like it's written to be spiteful and mean, and not in the interest of character narratives.
     
    • Agree x 1
  5. Charlie

    Charlie I got no strings to hold me down

    'jane is such a dick' is becoming an opinion now, and it's like... i... lit can't take the jane in the epilogue seriously. i'm sure it fuels people's opinions if they already didn't like jane or w.e, but jane has always been a character whose been treated kinda shitty by hussie despite her initially representing a female lead to the alpha side of the kids. like its depressing to think about the dialogues prior to the epilogue because the characters had so much more depth even if hussie always takes potshots at his characters. and of course, she was like, the center of fat jokes and now she's a trump allegory and its all very like... ok hussie
     
    • Agree x 2
  6. Aondeug

    Aondeug Cringe Annoying Ass Female Lobster

    The nihilism of it all I think is what is bothering me most. I've never had good reactions to nihilistic shit, even before I was Buddhist and nihilism became like public enemy number one. This feels so pointed and mean and like it is pointing at people and laughing at them for having cared or found meaning in a thing.
     
    • Agree x 1
  7. Charlie

    Charlie I got no strings to hold me down

    i havent wanted to kill myself this much in a long time. academic probation. not only do i receive everyone telling me i am worthless, i now cannot even convince myself i am not worthless. im empty inside. id puke if i had anything in me but emptiness.
     
  8. Charlie

    Charlie I got no strings to hold me down

    it's cruel, that i can't die. that i am zapped of all energy in my depression to the extent I cannot die.
    gun access is impossible. overdosing on citalopram would just fuck with my body and probably not kill me, raise attention. bleach is similar. anything ingestible and in access is similar. do i have the guts for anything involving knives? debatable. trains are traumatic for other people, but seem to be my only real option. people talk about buildings and that's true too. but that involves going somewhere. im gutless.
     
  9. Charlie

    Charlie I got no strings to hold me down

    I want someone to
    1. Beat the shit out of me

    I don't know. I'm feeling very apathetic right now but it's an apathy verging on such an edge of catapulting despair. It makes me feel a little worried about what I'll do, but also invincible.
     
  10. Charlie

    Charlie I got no strings to hold me down

    Honestly I just need to post somewhere, anywhere, that I'm planning on committing suicide after Christmas.

    My life has hit rock bottom. I have nothing I care about or want to do in life anymore, and I've lost the last person I can truly confide in.

    My only concern is my cat, who has multiple people who care for him. He'll be fine
     
    • Witnessed x 2
  11. 3strim

    3strim Professional Accidental Rater

    I ain't saying I'm anything like the person you lost, but if you need someone, you can hit me up in DMs for my Discord.

    I always read. Might not always know how to best respond, and I work a lot, but I always read and listen when I can.
     
  12. Acey

    Acey a girl with a crown and a scepter

    I'm sending you my love. I know I don't know you that well, but I always enjoy seeing you around. I'm so fucking sorry that things are going so badly--please feel free to message me if you need to, okay?
     
  13. Charlie

    Charlie I got no strings to hold me down

    @3strim @Acey

    My partner for the past 9 years is moving in with my ex who hates me (complicated poly dynamic) and I've come to the realization that I just... have nothing I want to do in life or people I can stay for. I'm still in school at age 27, I live with my abusive parents. I'm trans and never going to transition. I have no loving family, and no loving partner. I'm not exceptionally talented or passionate about anything.

    Before, it was... I'm feeling emotional, these suicidal thoughts are going to pass.

    Now it's... honestly I'm calm and I still want to die. It feels like I can relax. Like I have determination. Like I can settle things, put aside things for my cat, give people the remainder of my money and not worry about things like the future.

    I've felt suicidal in the past but I've never felt so good about dying before. I'm honestly shocked.

    I don't think too many folks on kintsugi liked me when I was active (though to be fair I don't think I left a huge impression or anything either). But im glad if I was able to brighten anyone's day a little while I was on here

    I guess I'd honestly appreciate advice on dying, but I think that could get the site in trouble.
     
    • Witnessed x 2
  14. 3strim

    3strim Professional Accidental Rater

    I hear you and feel you on a lot of those points; those that I don't, I sympathize for you instead.

    Did you want to talk aside a bit? I can't give you the advice you want to hear (and even if I could, I wouldn't) but I can assure you that you're not alone in what you're currently going through.
     
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