Vent I was born with a leak!

Discussion in 'Brainbent' started by Charlie, May 18, 2017.

  1. Charlie

    Charlie I got no strings to hold me down

    'But you know I trust the writers so'
    I don't understand how anyone can say this about Andrew Hussie. I. I completely don't.
  2. Charlie

    Charlie I got no strings to hold me down

    hs epilogue made me a bit depressed and not even the good kind of 'this hurts but i feel a lot for these characters' kind of depression that hurts but is easier to crawl out of.

    why do i give a shit about fiction
    or narratives
    or anything
    • Agree x 1
  3. Charlie

    Charlie I got no strings to hold me down

    unpopular opinion: i really like jake and tavros. yeah, whatever, softboy joke etc etc. but as people who are manipulated within their narratives so heavily they really speak to me. yes, i have a tendency to take joke characters too seriously (though honestly tavros is worse because he was one of the trolls with the most pesterlogs and treated seriously for a good while before hussie started really enjoying abuse jokes and cripple jokes) and if you pay attention or even care beyond the most superficial shit about those two, you are going to constantly be barraged by the fact hussie thinks abuse of male characters is really really funny except if its dave. yes. i care too much. it's been known.

    weirdly i feel like the only one he gives a shit about is dave. and that makes sense. he has admitted dave is closest to being him in the past.
  4. Charlie

    Charlie I got no strings to hold me down

    like, it's not even that this all goes to shit. it's that it's all so meanspirited, at the heart of it. im used to hussie dicking around with his characters.

    but this epilogue literally feels like it's written to be spiteful and mean, and not in the interest of character narratives.
    • Agree x 1
  5. Charlie

    Charlie I got no strings to hold me down

    'jane is such a dick' is becoming an opinion now, and it's like... i... lit can't take the jane in the epilogue seriously. i'm sure it fuels people's opinions if they already didn't like jane or w.e, but jane has always been a character whose been treated kinda shitty by hussie despite her initially representing a female lead to the alpha side of the kids. like its depressing to think about the dialogues prior to the epilogue because the characters had so much more depth even if hussie always takes potshots at his characters. and of course, she was like, the center of fat jokes and now she's a trump allegory and its all very like... ok hussie
    • Agree x 2
  6. Aondeug

    Aondeug Cringe Annoying Ass Female Lobster

    The nihilism of it all I think is what is bothering me most. I've never had good reactions to nihilistic shit, even before I was Buddhist and nihilism became like public enemy number one. This feels so pointed and mean and like it is pointing at people and laughing at them for having cared or found meaning in a thing.
    • Agree x 1
  7. Charlie

    Charlie I got no strings to hold me down

    i havent wanted to kill myself this much in a long time. academic probation. not only do i receive everyone telling me i am worthless, i now cannot even convince myself i am not worthless. im empty inside. id puke if i had anything in me but emptiness.
  8. Charlie

    Charlie I got no strings to hold me down

    it's cruel, that i can't die. that i am zapped of all energy in my depression to the extent I cannot die.
    gun access is impossible. overdosing on citalopram would just fuck with my body and probably not kill me, raise attention. bleach is similar. anything ingestible and in access is similar. do i have the guts for anything involving knives? debatable. trains are traumatic for other people, but seem to be my only real option. people talk about buildings and that's true too. but that involves going somewhere. im gutless.
  9. Charlie

    Charlie I got no strings to hold me down

    I want someone to
    1. Beat the shit out of me

    I don't know. I'm feeling very apathetic right now but it's an apathy verging on such an edge of catapulting despair. It makes me feel a little worried about what I'll do, but also invincible.
  10. Charlie

    Charlie I got no strings to hold me down

    Honestly I just need to post somewhere, anywhere, that I'm planning on committing suicide after Christmas.

    My life has hit rock bottom. I have nothing I care about or want to do in life anymore, and I've lost the last person I can truly confide in.

    My only concern is my cat, who has multiple people who care for him. He'll be fine
    • Witnessed x 2
  11. 3strim

    3strim Professional Accidental Rater

    I ain't saying I'm anything like the person you lost, but if you need someone, you can hit me up in DMs for my Discord.

    I always read. Might not always know how to best respond, and I work a lot, but I always read and listen when I can.
  12. Acey

    Acey hand extended, waiting for a shake

    I'm sending you my love. I know I don't know you that well, but I always enjoy seeing you around. I'm so fucking sorry that things are going so badly--please feel free to message me if you need to, okay?
  13. Charlie

    Charlie I got no strings to hold me down

    @3strim @Acey

    My partner for the past 9 years is moving in with my ex who hates me (complicated poly dynamic) and I've come to the realization that I just... have nothing I want to do in life or people I can stay for. I'm still in school at age 27, I live with my abusive parents. I'm trans and never going to transition. I have no loving family, and no loving partner. I'm not exceptionally talented or passionate about anything.

    Before, it was... I'm feeling emotional, these suicidal thoughts are going to pass.

    Now it's... honestly I'm calm and I still want to die. It feels like I can relax. Like I have determination. Like I can settle things, put aside things for my cat, give people the remainder of my money and not worry about things like the future.

    I've felt suicidal in the past but I've never felt so good about dying before. I'm honestly shocked.

    I don't think too many folks on kintsugi liked me when I was active (though to be fair I don't think I left a huge impression or anything either). But im glad if I was able to brighten anyone's day a little while I was on here

    I guess I'd honestly appreciate advice on dying, but I think that could get the site in trouble.
    • Witnessed x 2
  14. 3strim

    3strim Professional Accidental Rater

    I hear you and feel you on a lot of those points; those that I don't, I sympathize for you instead.

    Did you want to talk aside a bit? I can't give you the advice you want to hear (and even if I could, I wouldn't) but I can assure you that you're not alone in what you're currently going through.
  15. Charlie

    Charlie I got no strings to hold me down

    I guess the same things from December are still bothering me. I should've probably taken someone's advice on talking to them, but I accidentally got locked out of my account

    After December, I guess the truth is I just don't trust anyone. I have a family who is chronically selfish and abusive. I literally got kicked in the mouth by my little brother yesterday when I told him not to call me a cunt. Then I got into an argument with my partner. But I'm still stuck here (in this house, with my family) because I have no money. And now, I just think... even if I got the money to get out, what would the point be? I don't... have anything I care about in life. I guess I mistakenly thought, as long as I have someone I love, I'll be okay. But I don't trust my partner anymore. Sure I love them. But it seems love and trust aren't inclusive of one another. And since they're moving in with someone who hates me, it's not like I'll be able to visit them anymore without booking a hotel. Which is like... why am I even in this relationship? I was promised we were equal partners than they made this huge decision without me. Is that all a lie?

    In the meantime, since December, I tried another therapist, that sucked. He was just focused on my job and me finding another job passion (of which I have none, and I've jumped like 3 jobs already so I don't need someone encouraging me to hop into another when I'm 28 and just finishing the schooling for this one). I've tried a few therapists and they all sucked. People always go, well try a therapist before you off yourself, but I've tried a few now. And it's a lot of money too, for someone to be pretty useless.

    People tell you all sorts of things when you're thinking of committing suicide. That you should try a new therapist, that you should call a suicide hotline, and in either case, both are miserable experiences. The suicide hotline was so bad I genuinely think people should be discouraged from calling them. It reminded me how cold and uniform and uncaring the world is... They jsut make sure you're not going to kill yourself right in the moment so they don't have to call the cops on you, and otherwise they couldn't give a shit. Genuinely, is there even a reason people tell you to stay alive aside from the fact they feel they have a moral imperative to do so? It's not like I blame people for having a moral imperative to say 'stay alive', because I don't think that's a bad moral imperative to have... But it's meaningless, of course, no one can say 'It'll get better' and really mean it, they don't actually know, no one does.

    And my life has been pretty consistently bad for 28 years, which is like, ancient according to online discussions right now. I can probably be considered half dead anyway in discourse.

    Idk, truth be told, I'm bothered that I'm too much of a coward to kill myself right now because I have every reason to except for my cat who needs me. What I need is a painless method to kill myself. I know aspirin isn't, but it's what I've been lingering on because it's the most accessible. I worked in Funeral Services, so I know what a mess a train would be for everyone involved.

    Maybe I don't want to die. Maybe I just desperately wish life would be better. But it's not going to be, not when I'm born with the internal clock of not caring about anything or wanting anything anymore, so what are my options? It's always been like this. I wish I could start over I guess. Be someone less damaged by life. Be someone worth caring about, with a happy childhood, and friends who cared about me. I don't like the life I have. And now I feel like, I'm so far through it without it getting better I never will.
    • Witnessed x 1
  16. Acey

    Acey hand extended, waiting for a shake

    I just wanted to say that first of all, I very much relate here. I’ve had a suicide hotline literally hang up on me before, and my stay in the psych ward was genuinely a living nightmare that did nothing for my health (mental OR physical).

    But I do have a reason based in something beyond a moral imperative to tell you to stay alive: I genuinely enjoy your presence and think you’re a cool person with consistently interesting thoughts on things, and I can say that I for one would be upset if you died. It’s a selfish reason, absolutely, but it’s the truth. I can’t give you a meaningful reason to stay alive, honestly (I can barely think of one for myself tbh), but I can say, with certainty, that I prefer the world with you in it.

    I was relieved to see this post, ngl, because I had honestly been wrestling for a while with the idea that someone I consider a friend might not be alive anymore. I’m glad you still are.
    • Like x 1
  17. Charlie

    Charlie I got no strings to hold me down

    Yeah... it's hard. Because... I think getting the courage to call a suicide hotline is difficult, and everyone lists it as the last step, 'what to do before you Kill Yourself' reach out for help! But when you do... the people at the end of the line are apathetic and can't be bothered. It's so discouraging. It made me feel worse. Like being on the edge and someone pushing me off slightly more.

    I'm glad you enjoy my presence, honestly. I struggle to stay alive, I still don't know why and I know it's not an answer anyone can answer cleanly, but at the same time it's not like I like worrying people and I'm glad that I can bring joy to people or brighten up their day, maybe, sometimes. I'm sorry that I worried you, really. Thank you for your kind words
    • Like x 1
  18. Charlie

    Charlie I got no strings to hold me down

    I can relate to Hunter because I too think without my family I have no one and nothing and am aware I can't live a full life while being attached to them. And it makes me feel like it would be much easier to die than disappoint them! Both because they'll get so angry at me and because if the full extent of my queerness is know I'll probably get the shit beaten out of me!

    I guess... I'm 28 and feel I still haven't done what I wanted to do or disconnected from my family to the extent I wanted and this makes me feel helpless. Especially the past year with Covid, being stuck with them. Putting aside being queer, they're always yelling at me no matter what I do and I'm just... exhausted.

    I feel all this guilt when I think about removing them from my life, but I also know I can't keep going on like this.
    • Witnessed x 1
  19. Charlie

    Charlie I got no strings to hold me down

    ngl this mantra is like 'the' mantra I hear no matter how hard I work. though I think it's something everyone in my generation has heard
    • Agree x 1
  20. Charlie

    Charlie I got no strings to hold me down

    i think....
    what really hits me every so often
    is how little i matter in the grand scheme of things. and i know that feels like such a simple complaint. everyone feels that way.

    but why, the question is 'why?' why do i keep going.
    i think if there was something i wanted, it would be different. but things i want are all abstract, impossible. who doesn't want to be loved? have friends? have a community? etc. but those are abstract things. they are impossible to 'obtain' over night, you can only get those through living life for a long time...
    and i'm tired
    i don't care
    i'm not useful to the world
    i don't enjoy a lot of things
    why am i going?
    i think... i only keep going because it's not considered morally acceptable to let someone die. it's not considered the 'right' thing to do.
    but logically. there's no reason why i'm here. no greater purpose. i can't even say something like 'i'm here to have fun', because i don't have fun. i just exist.
    it's not like i haven't tried to get help either, it just never seems to work out.
    so i can't see what else to do. i just can't
    • Witnessed x 1
  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
    Dismiss Notice