:( Not that it's the happiest prospect, but I'm told that it can be worth trying different meds (or doses) if they aren't working, but holy shit do I get sick of the medication-hunt treadmill sometimes. (I'm around 7 years in.) *hugs*
I am fucking done with meds, I have been on them for years. I am just going fucking do it eventually, once I get the means. I am so tired all the time. and I just want to take care of it and do it.
I am inclined to suggest talking to a crisis hotline or similar support thing, because that sounds pretty bad, and is the kind of thing that I usually associate with a severe depressive phase. Which you probably knew.
If speaking is the issue, you could look for some text/chat hotlines? Some brief googling came up with https://www.imalive.org/ , http://www.crisistextline.org/ , and http://www.crisischat.org/chat/ , but there are definitely others out there as well.
Ehhh I am butthurt with Imalive, I don't know the other ones but frankly I am not sure if I want to do any sort of 'hotline'
Adding for anyone else who reads this, but the http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ also has a chat function. I get not really wanting to talk to random strangers, though. I was going to offer to talk, but to be honest I'm kind of burnt out lately too, so I don't want to promise something and then not be able to provide. But! If you don't mind sporadic replies, absolutely feel free to vent into my inbox about anything. I've found that getting stuff out on paper/in text helps some too...