Huge blocks of text incoming, I'm sorry. You could probably skip to the last paragraph if TL;DR. I finally managed to go to a doctor, a real actual doctor and not a walk-in clinic, for the first time in over a decade. This in particular was brought on by this being the first year in my whole life I had health insurance, which I got through the marketplace, God bless. But this isn't really about that. It's kind of sad it took me about eight months to get around to actually seeing a doctor, though. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I have anxiety issues-- I've learned to recognize the signs of that, and now when I feel my heartbeat start to rev up and I get that tight feeling in my chest and maybe start shaking a bit, I can go, oh hey, there's that anxiety, that's definitely a thing I have. But depression is different. I've been going back and forth over whether or not I really have depression for years now. I have a friend who's been diagnosed and takes medication for it who talked to me about it when I was in a huge fit of self-loathing for just not being able to do anything, why can't I just do stuff, everything feels like some huge impossible task, even little things, and I called myself lazy a whole bunch, but I digress. She said it definitely sounded like depression. That was the first time I'd actually considered I had it, even though I'd been having the "laziness" problem for years beforehand. And this conversation happened about two years ago. So in the meantime, I watch my friends be able to work on stuff, projects, do stuff and have fun with it and not be tired all the time, and I feel jealous, why can't I be like that? It built up and built up and finally I called the place that the friend mentioned earlier goes to to see if I could get evaluated, maybe get some medication. They said they needed a doctor's referral before I could come in. So that's what spurred me to overcome my anxiety and finally get myself into a real doctor's office (you'd think something like that wouldn't be hard but oh God, it was like pulling teeth, even just to get up the nerves to call them and no one ever answered when I called so I had to drag my ass down there to the office in person, taking the awful once-an-hour bus, but I'm rambling). So I got my appointment, and the appointment itself was actually pretty great! We talked about some of the things that I've noticed have been recurring physical health problems (I've managed to accumulate quite a few of those), and she was nice and understanding and didn't make me feel anxious hardly at all (I'm always baseline a little anxious, unfortunately). And when she saw the numbers for the mental health screening part of the new patient paperwork, I got to talk to her directly about seeing someone, which I'd been worried I wouldn't have an opening to do. Unfortunately, maybe I was a little generous with my numbers (the total probably should've been lower!), because while she did say she wanted me to see a therapist, she also gave me a prescription for lexapro right then and there, starting off at 5mg and increasing to 10mg later on. At first I was thrilled. Babby's first anti-depressant! This is the first step! I could be a like a normal person, do things, maybe get rid of this achy emptiness in my chest! But then as it got later on in the day, those worries from before started coming back in full force. Essentially: what if I don't really have depression? I know I probably picked too high numbers on that screening thing. And, I can have fun without it feeling like work sometimes, and occasionally I can even get stuff done and be productive. What if there's really nothing wrong with me, what if everyone deals with what I go through but they just suck it up and do stuff anyway, and I should just do that? Things aren't so bad right now, I'm still scraping by, I don't even wanna kill myself or anything, I haven't thought that way in a while now. So, what if I'm messing up? I pick up the lexapro tomorrow, but I'm scared to start taking it. Basically, I'm scared there's nothing wrong with me (anxiety aside), and that everyone actually feels the way I do, but they just get over it and manage to go be productive anyway because they're not lazy pieces of shit. How can I know? I can't know how other people are feeling. So, how do I know if I'm really depressed? Should I wait to take the lexapro until I start seeing a therapist? It's bad to take anti-depressants if you don't really need them, right? Like antibiotics? I don't wanna make anything worse. Sorry again for the text dump. I just wanted to try giving full context, but instead it turned into my whole life's story. u_u If you managed to get past this wall of text, please advise!