I'm not doing very well

Discussion in 'Brainbent' started by Lambda, Jun 16, 2015.

  1. Lambda

    Lambda everything happens so much

    mentions of suicide and self-harm

    When I graduated, I had medium level hopes, I had a therapist and coping skills and a plan. I was going to start volunteering and get a new psych and do my hobbies and survive having to live with my parents! But when I moved back in, all of that completely vanished—everytime I’m back here, I lose my energy and all the stuff I learned in therapy and I just become hopeless.

    I’m supposed to get a job, a paying job instead of volunteering, and I’m 21, going to be 22 very soon, of course I should be working, but I don’t have any work experience. I should have done more while I was still at school, I should have asked someone what to do, but who wants to be the one to speak up at the resume-workshop when the lecturer says “Of course, all of you worked in high school, right?” My degree is useless and I don’t know what I’m good at and the only positions that I would MAYBE get a chance at are loud and full of people and constant movement. According to my dad, who at least is still on my side enough to warn me, my mom is going to blow the fuck up if I’m not adequately searching for jobs. But it’s not like that’ll be good enough, if I placate her now, she’ll just explode later, if I haven’t got any callbacks, or if no one hires me, or if I do get a job and it’s not good enough. She doesn’t even talk to me anymore, just glares in my direction. Whenever my parents are in the house, my anxiety level goes up by 200% because I might get interrogated, or caught reading or playing a game instead of applying for jobs, so weekends (when they’re not out) and evenings after they get back from work are just…pretty bad. I flinch at everything and I’m always taking off my headphones to listen in on their conversations, in case I’m about to be confronted.

    I thought that I would be able to get another therapist when I got back into town, and I even talked to my dad about it, I thought it would work out a lot faster, but they put me on their insurance so I had to wait until June, and then it turns out that it actually starts in July, and I think I’ve given up on it, I don’t want to make the phone calls and the appointments, it seems so hard. I probably need it because of the wanting to kill myself bit, and the newfound cutting, which is a little too fun, when during school I only just scratched myself. And I’ve given up on the support groups (mental illness and trans) that I wanted to go to, because I don’t know what to do with transport, bus passes are so expensive and why should I even bother?

    I miss my friends, who are getting all sorts of opportunities while I’m stuck in this state, and my old apartment where no one yelled at me (even though my parents were paying for it), and school where I at least knew what I was doing, and I can’t even drive or bring myself to focus on doing just one minimum wage application (because I haven't started doing them, I told my parents that I had to buy a little bit of peace), and I haven't posted enough on here to deserve a thread, and nothing is working.
    • Like x 1
  2. Lissiel

    Lissiel Dreaming dead

    Wow. So a lot of what you're saying here really really sounds like depression talking, and being in a horrifically shitty environment. Would like to encourage you strongly to make getting therapy(/meds?) and going to support groups a priority. You're in a much tougher situation now thanyou were before and you need more help, not suddenly none. I can guarantee it is 10000% worth it, even if it doesnt feel like it. Don't give up.
  3. Ink

    Ink Well-Known Member

    Let me echo Lissiel on the depression thing.

    I also found myself with a pretty much useless degree, little job experience and back living with my parent's at 27 after a divorce. I ended up going to a technical college to get a more practical one-year degree in a trade. Once I'd learned a trade and started working, my bachelor's degree made me more eligible for advancement even though it wasn't in a related field. Not to say this is exactly what you need to do, but it's an example of coming at the problem from a somewhat different angle which sometimes works.

    Also, volunteering is a good idea. It can go on your resume. And it builds you up. And there are jobs out there that go begging. My first job was in a nursing home. It was fairly quiet work and they pretty much hired any decent seeming person who showed up. The pay was bad and the hours were weird, but I had something else to further build a resume.

    But doing something like that when you're depressed is really hard. If you're depressed, the depression will lie and fight you every step of the way. Do you have a regular family doctor? Some doctors' offices now let you set up appointments online which skips the phone call difficulties. Sometimes they can start you out on an anti-depressant without much fuss.

    Don't worry about deserving to start a thread or not. This website is set up so someone can create an identity, start a thread, and then never use that account again, if that's what they want. Or they can hang around and post more. There's no rules agaisnt either. No hierarchy of who can do what.
    • Like x 3
  4. IvyLB

    IvyLB Hardcore Vigilante Gay Chicken Facilitator

    I can't actually do more than offer hugs, I am so sorry :(
  5. Lambda

    Lambda everything happens so much

    My psych treatment has always been skewed more towards anxiety, so I guess I don't know how to deal with depression stuff as well. Plus I get into situations like "I heard mom raise her voice, even though I couldn't catch the context, so I'd better be on high alert for the next 2-3 hours and make sure I don't get caught doing unacceptable things, which include most of my self-care/calming behaviors". which doesn't really help? and I wish I knew if meds are financially possible

    Hugs are appreciated :(
  6. smyxolotl

    smyxolotl a person.

    I want to send hugs too! :( Amusingly enough, this is (with some variations) the situation I was in at your age. (Now I'm the ripe old age of 27..) ugh, especially the needing a job/having no experience/job searching being pure torture part. UGH. I agree with previous posters that volunteering is a great idea, it's the kind of stuff that can look really cool on a resume later on. Also having a meaningful activity and being helpful to other people, that's good too.

    However! I also agree that getting some form of help should be a priority. Even if it feels pointless and overwhelming right now. A thing that has worked for me in the past when all parts of my life have seemed completely overwhelming: picking one thing to focus on, that seem at least slightly manageable. It could be finding a therapist, or getting medication, or finding a support group, or something completely different that feels meaningful to you. But just one thing! And then breaking it down into every step you need to take to accomplish the thing. (Like: "1. Google support group. 2. Ask parent for bus pass money. 3. Buy bus pass." and so forth.) And then decide that every other part of your life can go to hell while you take care of this business! And then congratulate yourself for every step that you manage to go through with!

    I have no idea if this method is even applicable in your situation or suited to your personality/preferred way of dealing with shit, so feel free to roll your eyes at it all you want :) I guess I'm trying to say that I really get how hard it is when a lot of parts of your life seem messed up, and the different messes merge into some sort of super-mess that nourishes itself and becomes a sentient being that eats you. Or something. And for me the best way to defeat the mess-monster is to transform it into small, easily-killed monsters to be dealt with one at a time.

    TL,DR; I really want to comfort you, but this is the internet so instead of hugs I'm trying to make you a blanket out of words.
    • Like x 1
  7. Vierran

    Vierran small and sharp

    1. Hugs.

    2. I sympathize with a lot of this. Finished my degree in January, was planning to pursue mental health stuff right after I was done with school, took until March to get new insurance. To head in the direction of the career I want, I need to volunteer a bunch, but my parents want me to have a job. It's a shitty set of circumstances, absolutely, and it fucks up depression management, even if you're good at it.

    3. Depression management: before I talk strategies, I hope meds work out for you, they should help jumpstart you through the everything feels awful inertia. Right now, though, you don't have meds, but there are still things that will make the depression interfere less with your life. You know being in your house is making things worse, are there places you can go that aren't your house? Bonus points for regularly-scheduled commitments like the support groups you mentioned. It might take a lot of work to get yourself to go to them, or sometimes not be possible, but when you can, getting away from the place that puts you on high alert can be a form of self-care. If your mother objects to you going out to the place you're actually going, I wouldn't be bothered about making up a place or event she'd approve of instead. On the subject of bus pass, wouldn't you need it anyway to get to a job, volunteer or otherwise, or to any interviews you might get? I'd say that's absolutely worthwhile.

    Imposing schedule and routine can be very helpful in general. You just went from very structured to very unstructured day to day life, and the thing where you don't have to do anything at any particular time gives depression-brain more chances to kick in and send you into a bad place. Then it gets you in a vicious cycle where you feel bad because you didn't do what you wanted to do because you were too busy feeling bad. All of the parts of that cycle are the depression; none of them are in any way a true reflection of your worth. You can sometimes cut it off by pointing to things you have done, though. What I'd suggest is breaking down the things you want to accomplish into very small steps, and not expecting more than one step in any given day. The sense that you're moving forward, however slowly, will make it easier to separate the lies depression tells you from reality.

    A lot if the advice I want to give you is unimplementable in your current situation. That part really sucks. Focus on surviving it for now, and bit by bit, you should be able to get yourself into a better place. Contrary to what depression is telling you, you do have the skills needed to get out and live and be happy.
    • Like x 1
  8. Lambda

    Lambda everything happens so much

    Okay, I keep showing up to reply and then immediately getting bogged down with "everything is stupid and impossible", followed by crying, so I'm going to stay brief for now.

    Concerning meds and people to prescribe them: I don't have a family doctor or anything of the like. Supposedly I can get one with insurance, though I am a functioning adult and should deal with my own health, meaning that my parents probably won't help me (if they allow me to see a doctor, I dunno) and I'd have to google all the info myself and probably give up halfway through a bunch of times. I'm also hesitant to be around doctors at all because I don't want to have either the weight loss or the OBGYN discussion. So *confused hand gestures* that probably won't happen for a while. A huge part of why this is late is actually because my dad started anti-depressants recently, and I got super jealous and overwhelmed. (Plus horror stories about people running out of their meds because pharmacies are terrible. And because of the suicide risk, I dunno if I can be medicated safely-- I probably can't afford to go to therapy as often as you're supposed to for that starting period.)

    Getting a bus pass is probably the one thing I can/should do; I'm very close to the month deadline for July, but maybe I can make it happen in the next day or two. At the least, I could go to the library with it? Which is just me slacking off in a slightly different area, and I don't think my parents would like that too much. Still, I can practice my decaying Going Outside and Taking The Bus skills which is... something??

    About structure and scheduling: I tried for a little while to write out day plans for myself, which got into the really basic stuff: get dressed and eat, along with leisure and really small chores, like 5 minute things. But I got discouraged when I got to the end of the day and stuff wasn't marked off, so I gave up. I also used Habit RPG during school, but it doesn't appeal to me now. Plus I feel like time passes really quickly: my sleep schedule has shifted so I wake up later, it feels like I lose the whole morning if I shower (I'm also having trouble with remembering that), and chunks of time just seem to disappear?

    Thank you for your support!
  9. Lambda

    Lambda everything happens so much

    Urgh, I'm sorry for reviving this stupid shit, but it's just like. ugh.

    Without going into too much detail to maintain privacy, it turns out that my dad has his own strain of brainfuckery, which is similar to mine in terms of depression and suicidal ideation, even though the root of his is mostly caused by my parents' marriage issues. A few days ago, he basically told me all of this and left the house, saying that he wasn't going to come back for a while. I didn't know where he was, plus he was doing and saying things that were red flags for suicide risk, so I was preparing myself for him to either kill himself or not come back, and in that case I wouldn't even know which.

    It only lasted a day, and he's back now, and seems to be wanting to brute force recovery through self-improvement: wants to stop the medication that he hasn't been on long enough to work properly, doesn't seem interested in therapy, mostly has talked about weight loss and improved diet. I wonder if he thinks that's the strategy I need to take. Also, this confirms that there's some mental illness on both sides of the family, though I don't know the extent because most of that history is taboo to talk about. Known suicide from one of my maternal uncles is the most I know.

    So I've been paralyzed for mostly the whole week. Am I supposed to push Dad toward treatment more? Am I supposed to do anything at all, because so far I've done nothing: no work stuff, no bus pass (couldn't justify the cost or make the deadline, going to try to buy a ticket book instead), no support group, no going outside for more than a few minutes. I can't make anything happen.
  10. Vierran

    Vierran small and sharp

    Your dad's well being is not your responsibility. You can provide support to him if you want, but are under no obligation to do so. He has access to help, and ultimately you can't force him to accept that help. If you decide you want to talk to him, decide on very explicit boundaries ahead of time: e.g. you will stop talking to him about his situation if he tries to suggest that you need to brute-force your own life the way he's trying to brute-force his.

    In fact, I'm going to take this opportunity to remind you to be kind to yourself. Things aren't going as well as you would like them to be, but in the long run that will not make a difference. On the paralysis thing, right now you have to just accept that this is where you are. Ok, you aren't able to do everything you'd like to do: what single small step do you want to take first? If that step doesn't happen today, how can you make it easier to do it tomorrow? A whole day plan seems to be too much, so set smaller goals. If there's something that has to be done all at once that seems too big to do, plan to reward yourself somehow afterwards, and then take some time to feel good about having done it before you start thinking about the next step.

    The library thing sounds good, I bet you could come up with a convincing reason it's a better place for you to do stuff from.
    • Like x 2
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