I can understand that, and I do agree it's hard as heck and takes a lot of time and effort. It's good to have it as a dream, and something to keep in mind once you start allocating enough spoons where it goes from "sky-high" to "long term but still potential" goal. And regardless, I want you to know it's alright to want these things as well, and also feel like it's too hard to do right now. Spoiler: Ship Tiem This is adorable! While I haven't followed Homestuck well since Act 6.1 and only have a glancing knowledge of the Alpha Ancestor trolls and the Cherubs, everyone else I can see fairly well. And ARADIA AND TAVROS WOULD WORK REALLY WELL AS MOIRAILS. I've been saying this since at least Act 5's second half! THEY ARE CLOSE FRIENDS, AND HE CAN EVEN OUT HER TEMPER AND SHE CAN KEEP HIM FROM DOING VRISKA-ESQUE THINGS BECAUSE "uH,,, tHIS IS HOW CONFIDENCE WORKS,,, rIGHT?' and it's like NO CHILD NO. Do you have ashen pairings as well, or keep to the pale/flush and kismetic (I don't remember what the anagram for that one is, welp)?
Spoiler: Ship Buddies For the most part I keep to flush/pale occasional caliginous (who the hell actually calls it that really hussie)/black because I find ashen to be hella confusing. Also for catch up stuff I am shit too, in homestuck and youtube stuff I read through homestuck when I was probably too young to understand most of the story in it, but ive started through it again, (am at John Empty sylladex) but Ive read so much stuff on the wikia that I understand the characters (and adore some of the dancestors like sHIT) Also maybe we should take this to a chat
Spoiler: All Aboard The Homestuck Ships (foghorn noises) I got alarming pissed off at around post-Tavrissprite when Tavros's feelings for Vriska went temporarily flushed due to mild insanity (or whatever happened there), and while I know that was a temporary thing I do want to wait for the comic to finish before I re-read it again, and to avoid the pauses. Although I was tempted to break this during the Gigapause and I've read more recent things like what's happening with Terezi. OH DEAR GOD, TEREZI. I see her working with Vriska well as both Pale and Kismesis, although they normally don't split like that. And even then, I almost want to see something where they flip like that and Romantic Guru!Karkat is just mad about it because THIS IS NOT HOW FLIPPING QUADRANTS WORK, YOU'RE NOT EVEN ON ANY PARALLEL ASPECTS, CAN'T YOU TWO KEEP YOUR ROMANCES STRAIGHT? I will admit, I do like the Dancestors pretty well, and was really interested in finding out what would happen between Kurloz and Meulin, as well as the clusterfuck around like... Three quarters of the team (the fact they lived to teenagehood and all achieved in getting in the game is just impressive as is, considering everything that happened.) What youtube stuff are you trying to catch up on, if you don't mind me asking? I'm a fan of a lot of LPers (Game Grumps, Markiplier and Two Best Friends Zaibatsu) but I know there's a massive expanse of stuff available in youtube video fandom in general.
Just ranting this time no imminent problem, dont mind me Spoiler: fuCKING cAT My mom has found this fucking stray cat and she is so fucking attached to it she started feeding them in the winter set up these blanket boxes we have a fucking cat already it is sick and old and dying and sitting on your bed waiting for someone to cuddle it but I am not the hugest fan of cats its either a hate it or love it thing with me sometimes i adore cats sometimes i detest them right now i fucking despise them she said "i wont name it so I wont attached" bullshit you are so fucking attached you want to take it in so bad but everytime someone states that obvious fact you deny it "noo, i cant take it in, it would be unfair to pistache to take it in" (pistache was abused by an older c=male cat as a young cat) Now, despite saying how unfair it would be to take him in, for pistaches sake she still wont admit pistache is dying she still wont admit she well and fucking attached to this dumb stray she still wont admit that even if she found the owner, shed be heartbroken to give him away now, dont get me wrong i would be okay with having another cat at some point in the future but the amount of heartbreak that has happened due to pets in this house shes had so many cats so fucking many the ones I remember are strawberry and mookie (and pistache) but honestly i was so FUCKING LOOKINGH FORWARD TO HAVING NO CAT FOR A WHILE she overfeeds the cats she feeds and cares for trhhe cats more than her own children oh the cat food dish is empty, better refill oh the food in the ffridge is bad or oooooooold? meh we're fine fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck the cat looks sad... better go cuddle them for an hour oh my daughter is hiding in her room on the internet, and almost has panic attacks of some sort trying to order off menus cries at large decisions is fucking terrified of the thought of going back to school in the fall? oh what was that? I didnt notice anything out of the ordinary fdcbhmnjhbvdcIYUGJJJJJJJJJJJARSYHBgybkjmuygfvYGKBFYju ffkYybiJTGH hse atcs like a child around the cats it hurts i have spent so much time having no one tio talk to about my emotions because my mom is an emotional mess but she has a counseler, so she has sorted herself out better cause more emotional strain by attaching herself to a cat that she repeatedly says she cant own (the counseler doesnt seem to do much anyway hardly anything has changed) she doesnt notice when I clench my fists in panic at rejection or people raising their vooices tensing up so bad tearing up nails digging into my skin because im so wrecked by simple things I tried to tell my brother the backstory of my fantroll i cried twice because he said remarks barely even slightly condescending or annoyed I was exxagerating but it happens at other things ordering off a menu I see a waiter coming over I tell mom im not ready to order yet they still start the orders leaving me last while everybody looks at me to see what im ordering I cry at resteraunts so frequently because its so stressful there are so many decisions and so many pressures trying to tell your grandma you dont want her cooked peppers is one thing fucking crying in front of a waiter is another and when I start crying either mom or dad just says so FUCKING PATRONIZINGLY "we'll take some more time..." and i know im exagerating i know they dont mean it but the fact that nobody realizes anything is awful i cry at ordering and all i need is the occasional day off from school to recharge spoons fuck that My room is a mess because when I go into my depression like stages I cant do simple things like clean up my room and then it accumulates and then I get so worried about one of them saying something when I try to clean out my room that I just dont mom tells me to keep my door open so the air conditioning works well well fuck that I dont want one of you walking past and going "wow you have a lot of dishes in your room" my sister did something like that a few days ago "your rooms a mess" and I started tearing up I cant clean out my room because I cant deal with comments like that why do you have months old empty cardboard cracker boxes in your room? because I fucking forgot to gedt them out beacause im so triggery that thinking about them makes me cry fuck this is so long and no longer about the cat\ im sorryh if you actually read this also, please go to the bottom of the last thing I did to see things that I dont want getting tossed my way the list of I know things because I hate having things I already know being tossed at me cause it feels patronizing btu I trust you guys kay if you read this dont mention this to people irl
I try not to attribute to malice what can be attributed to ignorance or helplessness. For a variety of reasons, right or wrong, I don't believe either of them feel they can affect the situation at home, and so they do things that are 'safe' and easy - like feeding the cat. Just a thought that made things a little easier to deal with.
yeah I know.. I just need to vent. It doesn't help thatt there are so many things that haven't been great today. Today was not good
Im back! Yay :( So today was an emotional rollarcoaster. We went school supply shopping. I adore office supplies by themselves. I adore learning by itself But I dont like that both things are now seemingly forever linked to school, which for me is hell. But this isnt just me whining about school. I have a doctors appointment the saturday after my first two days of school. Despite the fact he wanted to see me every two weeks over the summer. But anyway, I wanted to talk to him a bout a diagnosis to these things When someone is getting angry or displaying angry body language, or displaying dissapointed body language I tense the fuck out and my nails dig into my legs/arms/cheek, or slowly scratch at them or tap them violently on me, and my mind flips it shit like "stop be angry nononononono! to the point id like to cry. It isnt a slefharm thing i dont hink because it isnt with the intent to hurt myself. I just involountarily react to angry and disapointment in me that way... maybe? I started thinking that they were "panic attacks" but I'm not sure. :/ Also today they had a strange side affect they dont usually have. Rage I was so fucking angry today, like I was boiling but also wanted to cry and also freaking out but anger won? and I just got so cold and angry inside but I was so cold outside. I was matteroffact and took no jokes and no teasing. but I think I know why? I think it was anger that the hell that is school has taken two things I adore and made me hate them. So here I was surrounded by school supplies that are so pretty and lovely and I just wanted them all! But all I could think was I wont USE this, Ill REGRET it later! I dont NEED this 50 pack of markers I got, but I got it. and guess what? I feel slightly bad, but also excited but also I want to keyboard smash just for chaos relief. Keyboard smash is my current mood. :/ I wads seething when we got home. but have since calmed down in to a "if you cant beat em join em"sort of mood..but also not? aargh I should probably just go to sleep.
