I'm not that used to dealing with anger. Anger was not a thing for me for a long time, just like a lot of other emotions were not and to varying degrees still are not. I remember being frustrated, and 'angry', but angry lasted a brief time and was quick to go away. Then I felt Rage. Rage is a whole new kind of angry and despite more than.. I wanna say a bit more than a year worth of occasional bouts of Sudden Rage Feels and invasive thought episodes, I still have no idea wtf is going on re: why they're there. For clarity: I have BPD. My testing showed signals from A and B clusters to the tune of schizo-flavor, paranoid-flavor, anxiety-flavor, borderline-flavor. I've also got a package of anxiety, depression, ocd, and PTSD related to my entire Memory Thread in the abuse section, most of which I admittedly don't remember aside from the fact that it was a solid enough memory for me to write down at the time. I have a strong chance for rage issues to be a thing, but I'm fairly new to them overall, and I've been struggling to deal with them more lately the more I try to engage with people and branch out into having friends and more of an online social life since meatspace ability is limited due to location and physical health issues. More clarity: lately, with no prior warnings, my responses will change INTERNALLY from "wow this is annoying i wish this person would shut the fuck up for a minute and stop being stupid" to "WOW THIS PERSON IS A FUCKING IDIOT AND THEY NEED TO SHUT THE FUCK UP, AND THEY HAVEN'T, WHY WON'T THEY JUST SLIT THEIR FUCKING THROAT? DRINK BLEACH. SLIT YOUR WRISTS. SHUT THE FUCK UP AND DIE, YOU'RE SO STUPID, I FUCKING HATE YOU" I have not exploded on anyone with this and am struggling not to give in to the temptation to do so bc I'm aware it's shitty and have the power not to do all the clicking and typing needed to do the thing, have muted calls, or just left entire situations for a while to cool down and figure out wtf was going on... and coming up with no ideas on WHAT IS HAPPENING, and thus having to deal with the continued rage + invasive thought combo with the tacked on element of "you'd feel so much better if you said it to them 8) it'd be fun. 8)))) just do it 8))))))))" running through my mind. I think the invasive thoughts and the idea that it would give me satisfaction and relief are keeping the rage feeling stronger/longer?? i don't know. i've tried expressing these feelings in the past in my holler closet, just general rage screaming at the void instead of getting people involved, to get it all out of my system. I've punched pillows irl, screamed into them, tried walking through what would happen if the person I was angry at DID do these things and how bad I'd probably feel and their loved ones would feel, I've distracted myself, I've self harmed, I've done just about everything I can think of and haven't figured out the two things I don't understand: 1. Why am I having such intense rage-feels after all these years, 2. How the fuck can I make them go away once they start instead of having them drag on for literal multiple days and make me feel like I'm some kind of ticking time bomb? I've got enough control to feel safe being around people, as this is all internal struggling with mild steam leaks at the edges. But the tick-tock-tick-tock feeling is.. concerning. Further data: have been off medication for over a year now, will see doctor when I can + when I can afford to begin medication again but I have NO IDEA WHEN THIS WILL BE, so all my options are relating to myself and free things I can try doing for myself.
this is still happening and its still distressing, and it's actually intensified the last hour or two despite my attempts at distracting myself. the rage and badthoughts stop when i'm mid-project (ie. moving furniture/books earlier which was stupid of me but necessary) or mid-pushing myself physically till injury and exhaustion and then picks right back up usually with a new target. i've moved my cat away from me, nathan is in headphones in his own seat and quiet, i can't physically get up anymore and i can't focus on games or books or videos thoroughly enough to chase off the ragey murder thoughts. racing thoughts and anger so intense i feel sick to my stomach, and i still don't know the source so i can't fix it. really, any ideas are appreciated, idk what to do right now.
Do you have the ability to do intense cardio right now? That's the fastest way for me to calm down, jogging being the best option. Once you are tired, try to engage in games/books.
Want to at least say acknowledged. I do not have much of a rage response personally so am attempting to see if I can formulate any kind of response that is more useful, but if I do not come back and edit or add another post, I do at least acknowledge you. ETA: Do you respond well to music? When I was actively dealing with abuse from my sister was often when I got my closest to anything like rage, and I would often shut myself away with REALLY LOUD metal or rock or whatever aggressive, heavy sounds helped drown things out. I hated "soothing" music when I was in that mood, but listening to music that sounded how I felt sometimes was enough catharsis to leech away the feelings? Music also didn't require any active doing mentally, for me. Just put a song on loop and zone out and run it into the ground until everything was worn out and I didn't feel any more.
intense cardio for me is standing and it puts my heart rate at 140bpm or higher. other health problems prevent me from doing much being upright in general, let alone exercise. the example of moving the books was a "i shouldn't be doing this thing but i am doing it anyway" flavored thing, and is replacing my exercises for about 2 days most likely for the backlash. i've been trying to engage in games and books, but the second i stop doing the thing the rage picks back up or keeps gnawing through it. :<
i got it to stop earlier, but the split second i realized i felt calm, someone struck me as annoying and boom back to detailed murder/suicide thoughts that i can't block out like normal intrusive thoughts. i tell the quick ones to shut up, like "nobody cares todd, go away" style. this is less of a flash and more of a gigantic lightbulb being shined in my eyes till i feel sick and throw myself intensely into something else.. and then turns back on the second i look away. is there anything that can cause that..? like. intrusive thoughts to go from background noise to shrieking mood altering banshee noise for hours at a time? i know, yes, bpd but. it wasn't like this before. is this a thing that can just change and become a new norm or symptom?
In the form of the question "Do the symptoms of disorders presented by an individual typically fluctuate" I don't think it's unheard of? I am very, very far from well-versed in psychiatry though, and only attempting to go off a vague understanding of firsthand and secondhand experiences over time. Like, everything's generally about the same overall, but sometimes things drop or crop up in new ways. That is a very sudden and severe example, though, I would think, and my first thought is do you have any other outside stress right now? *exceptional outside stress
mmmn... we've been having money troubles and there's a lot of uncertainty on what's going on literal days before rent is due. it's been like that for a month and has been the source of many breakdowns for me, as well as a realization that i actually cannot physically handle stress without getting sick and shutdown mode anymore bc the response has been stuck on and left to do its own thing for so many years. there's also been more physical health problems and dental problems and feeling very helpless. i've had these rage responses before that lasted a few days but it was because i was outright really angry and engaging, or it at least had a good reason for me being angry and shouty and rage in my mind even if the response in my head was over the top. this is.. really not that. Spoiler: example, and under a cut bc for some reason i feel like it needs to be in this case i had to mute someone on discord when there was a group talk because the sound of their voice made me want to scream obscenities and list off the reasons their entire family despises them. got over it within an hour, felt kind of shaken at how detailed shit was in my head. then the next day bounced right back to how they should hurt themselves or what should happen to their pets and the intrusive thoughts were accompanied by sounds and it was awful how satisfying that felt considering i am not a violent person. my brain hones in on how to hurt people naturally and how to say the thing, and i've worked my ass off for -years- to avoid ever doing the thing or saying the thing. i think i developed that as a defense mechanism from abuse? like.. be observant enough to hit someone where it hurts so they'll stop hurting ME. but im not being hurt at all. im being annoyed, and in a lot of cases i shouldn't even be annoyed, its like my brain auto-targets something and just goes for it when a flash happens. but lately its less flash and more "who is in the crosshairs right now" right beside "POINT AT THE FUCKING SKY IF YOU'RE GONNA WAVE A GODDAMN LOADED WEAPON AROUND LIKE A MORON, BRAIN, DONT HIT ANYONE OR ANYTHING, SHIT'S DANGEROUS". it really is a strange experience. .. and even worse?? once it's gone/passed? like it never happened. just like all the breakdowns and crying jags, it's like i forget about all the feelings and it just *poof* magically gone and i'm 100% calm if not even MORE calm. like. mildly sedated calm. it's.... kind of disturbing to me. :< i expect the crying jags to be soothing, but the rage ones really shouldn't be.
Unconscious build-up of stress definitely caused me hella anxiety issues (hello hallucinations, past me!), would not be surprised if SURPRISE sudden rage snap also was a thing? Which would answer "1. Why am I having such intense rage-feels after all these years" Am reaching out to another friend with on-going anger issues for general advice they've learned to deal with the ragebeast to help with "2. How the fuck can I make them go away once they start instead of having them drag on for literal multiple days and make me feel like I'm some kind of ticking time bomb?" since I can't offer much personal help, but I think they've gone afk so I may not be able to share her perspective until tomorrow.
i don't mind waiting as long as i need to for input, honestly. if the episodes magically ease up or stop between now and more info, i'll at least have more info to use in the future the next time episodes crop up. thank you very much for helping, it is appreciated.
Spoiler: advice from ragefriend "so here are the things I used when I was at my worst to turn off or burn out the anger and then on the other end of it try to analyze why was I really angry step one i don't know will help in this instance? was to think of all the things I wanted to say to that person only instead of me saying it to them it was them saying it to me, and that would make me realize how much I was blowing it out of proportion and needed to just chill the fuck out if that didn't help stage two was to write/type them down, either in a word document (that I never saved) or on a site like http://thequietplaceproject.com/thethoughtsroom/?page=thethoughtsroom&lang= that website has music but i always muted it because i had something more fitting playing) but sometimes writing it down for myself isn't enough I need to think there's some potential that someone somewhere will actually see it, in which case posting it on a "throwaway" account somewhere like Tumblr that I don't share with anyone and I don't connect back to myself, and as I look there's this Vent app now? or even just fucking YikYak that's anonymous also they use discord that's another way that they could feel the act of posting it somewhere just make themselves a private discord server and vent there. a lot of times just the feeling that it was out in the world even if I logically knew i was the only one who could see it helped get the thoughts out of my head instead of just circling EDIT: and then on the other side of the feeling whether immediately or a couple days later or whatever worked at the time "Okay so I know I said I was angry about X and Y and Z but let's face it those are really dumb things to be this upset about so why am I actually angry about this???" and that wasn't always easy to answer but it helped me learn to see the trigger coming and thus better manage my response to it" Also you are very welcome, not feeling in control of emotions is a not-fun experience and I am glad to be here for solidarity if nothing else
mmm. i'll give it a shot. maybe typing it all out and getting it out of my system will help overall. i'm just kind of scared to acknowledge it because it's.. a lot. like. over the top is the best way to describe it bc i know anger responses are out of character for me and they're tailor fit to specific people, but.. idk. part of me is scared that if i actually get the words out, anonymously or even erasing them that somehow they'll affect the person anyway. or make them come harm me. or generally make me an evil person? i feel scared for even making this thread because NOW ALL OF CHINA KINTSUGI KNOWS IM A MONSTER and i'm worried i'll be judged permanently for it even if i made it to ask for help. unrealistic thought i know but like.. idk how to put it, its like if i say or do or admit the thoughts, what if they get stronger? what if this person i'm angry at telepathically knows i'm speaking of them, know what i was thinking even if i didn't say it, and will come and hurt me? none of it is a realistic thought but it runs through my head. anger is not an emotion i ever learned how to fully deal with, so this is def kind of touch-and-go to figure what works or not and what's... normal? i guess? idk what Normal anger levels are, it's a Goal but idek yet. and ye, solidarity is appreciated. also ty to friend for help! o/
SO THIS IS PROBABLY PAINFULLY OBVIOUS TO LITERALLY EVERYONE AND THEIR GRANDMA BUT.. i just just alerted to the fact that anxiety can be a trigger point for irritation and frustration. i never connected that feeling with that but it... makes a lot of sense actually? i am a walking ball of untreated anxiety, i dont think i've ever been truly calm save for when i was getting my gallbladder emergency treated a few weeks before surgery and was drugged to infinity because of how terrified i was in the ER of the IV line and the severe pain I was in. if the anxiety is linked to the rage that would make a LOT of sense. get anxious - rage hits - want to hurt people and things because i'm anxious and when i'm anxious i assume i'm going to be attacked/harmed. shit. okay this makes some sense. i dont know how i can stop this without meds rn, but getting information and possibilities and ideas is making me feel a hell of a lot less powerless in the face of this thing. its leaving me with a lot of questions for why some things are Literally Random "you breathed wrong" murder rage and why others are "fucking shut up you're so annoying oh my god" that lead to murder rage. i'm assuming the original frustration and anger and such are just based in that raw nerve tension potentially? :ponders:
I dunno if you have any depression issues but sometimes my depression presents in "now you only feel anger" and I kind of lose my filter and will say fucked up shit or just poke my friends until they rage quit the conversation. I usually use a vent completely separate from the person so I don't hurt them if I have the self control. I dunno if that is what is going on but it could be a useful datapoint to compare your experience? I also really like angry scribbles when I get mad so maybe you could try that?
i do indeed have depression as well to a fairly notable degree, my only issue with sorting out what problem in my head contributed to a thing is that usually there's so much overlap the entire brain chorus gets sent to the corner with the blame bc tbh they're prolly all being lil shits anyway 8D; but that is very interesting data, i was not aware it could work like that and sheds even more potential light on what might be going on, thank you.
I, too, suffer from the ragebeast. Mine tends to burn out pretty quickly because I just don't have the emotional energy to maintain it, but I've definitely been in that place of RAGE before, where I think and want to do some pretty fucked up shit to people just to hurt them. (At least part of my terrible relationship with my family really is me, because I did not have the ability to cope with the ragebeast and took it out on them.) So if nothing else, fistbump of solidarity. First, seriously seconding @Artemis's ragefriend. Best way I've found to get the circling murderous thoughts to stop is to get them out, and honestly RAGE doesn't really care about how they get out or even if they hit their target (or anyone), just that they do. Writing it in a throwaway blog or an unsaved word document will probably help. But sometimes irl debugging really helps too and might be necessary for when writing doesn't help. "irl" doesn't have to be like actually irl, but can just be getting the thoughts out to another living person. Therapy's really great for that, but if that's not an option, finding someone willing to lend an ear for an hour via text or in person might help too. I tend to open up with "I swear I'm not angry at you, but I'm so angry and I need to vent." Always pick someone that is not the person you are actually angry at. Also make sure to talk out and explain exactly what you're asking before you're even angry. And then afterwards you can talk out what part was genuine legitimate anger (and what the appropriate response is), what was overblown annoyance, and what was just base state anxiety/depression/~emotions~ that combusted. Having a second brain to tease that apart can really help with identifying consistent triggers, too. (You really don't want someone who will commiserate or egg you on during though. That tends to just encourage the ragebeast. The ideal response is usually whatever vague indications of acknowledgement you need to confirm you're being listened to.)
I think that's what I've managed to get hold of without realizing it. i have a few people now who if i pop up and say i'm angry, they ask how so, i explain the situation and say i know it's overblown stupid response potentially, and then describe what my brain says i want to do. i don't get egged on so much as some fairly grim humor that takes the edge off and in some cases, I'm alerted that my anger is justified or matched so I can get some feedback in that direction on if actually addressing problem is important/needed. things are calming down in brainville for now but those little sparks of 0-60 "HOW DARE YOU SPEAK NEAR ME YOU FUCK" keep cropping up. I'm not able to yet tell what makes some last longe rthan others or what causes them to chain up for some really shitty combo.. but i'm keeping track of things.
That's really good! Having a good support network of people to talk to (whether or not that was an intentional thing you did) is generally pretty key in getting things working properly again. And I'm glad that their responses suit your needs; that's why I was non-specific as to how they might show acknowledgement, because I just wanted to make it clear that there's a difference between "helpful listening" and "an enabler of RAGE." It's good you're keeping track of brainfires for now. I'd bet a pattern isn't apparent now, but will be discernible if you give it some time.
yeah.. like. trying to map the bpd spikes is a year worth of "idk the pattern but now i can kind of feel when a drop's gonna happen or i'm gonna hit the ceiling bc my neck tingles" or "i feel an episode coming on, my head's loud and the sound is pressure in there" or something similar but i can't tell what the heck's setting them off more than half the time so there's vague ???? marks and a lot of guesswork. then there's the whole bag of nuts like "well some of it's prolly also chemical related in ur brain so LMFAO GOOD LUCK WITH THAT" that isn't helpful to remember but... also important to remember 8I; tldr: brains are dumb i propose we become AI's and retire somewhere nice once free of our meatsuits.
