Soooooo I tried to sleep but then my brain started doing that thing. The one that goes, "Soooo remember how you always always wanted to be a field biologist and you are never ever going to be one? Remember how your adviser said you 'didn't have the temperament' for science, and the bio prof you looked up to most said you were a great scientist, but would have to sort out your emotional issues before you got anywhere? Remember how your psychiatrist said that one time, 'Well, you're very smart, but you're never gonna be a rocket scientist or anything'? Remember how your dad said it was going to be much harder work to break into the sciences now that you're over 30, and the first thing you have to do is get out from under this whole idea that you're crazy? REMEMBER HOW YOU'RE NEVER GONNA BE WHAT YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO BE BECAUSE YOU DROPPED THE GODDAMN BALL EVERY TIME IT WAS HANDED TO YOU?!?" So you know what, fuck anything that involves turning off the pretty lights keeping my brain from talking to me, and fuck my brain too.
Well we could wail in the short times when we resurface? (My probably-depression comes with probably-hypersomnia)
Well! I have work tomorrow. I missed meds today. Did not call in my scrips early enough, and then when I did, they said I had no refills. Because of course. The place I go to for meds is the county-funded crazy people clinic, who recently initiated a plan to reduce absenteeism by making it nearly impossible to schedule appointments. Slept till 5 again today because of missing meds. Cannot do that tomorrow. I have to drag my unmedicated ass in to do half an hour of data-entry work for these nice people who find jobs for disabled people who only need a little supervision to earn minimum wage. (guess who found me the job.) (they did. they found me the job. i only need a little supervision.) (no i'm not kidding they are really super nice.) they really do need me in though, they get a pileup at the end of the month on the forms i enter for them and it's stuff where if it don't get entered people don't get paid. i do one or two hours a week of this and it's just about all i can handle but it's basically the only thing i contribute to society ever and also i kinda really need the $11-$25 dollars i get from them every few weeks and i said i'd be in dammit and i can't fuckin sleep god FUCKING dammit
I'm at my friend's house sleeping on his couch, and I woke up around 5am and have been up for an hour now sadly contemplating just how bitter and angry I've been sounding at therapy lately and wondering if there was ever any chance that I could have been a kind, soft person like my friends, who assume people aren't out to fuck them up and who are open and good, and where did that end for me, and if it's maybe ending right now and I'm powerless to stop myself from being hardened. I really really really really want a hug, but everyone's asleep so I'm just crying quietly in the living room and hoping to fall back asleep.
Hi i'm back I think I probably could sleep, if i tried, but I am anxious and don't wanna. What if my brain starts talking shit about me again. And I had anxiety dreams all last night/this morning, it sucked. Fuck you brain.
2:30 and I have some Jesus Christ Superstar song stuck in my head. Who's just a man, brain? What am I trying to tell myself? That I don't need to be nervous about talking to dad? Something else? Without context, my brain's earworm reassurances aren't working!
it's quarter to seven in the morning i can't seem to get the hang of melatonin it takes me longer to spin down once i lie down than the window for the drowsiness, i think so i have a few minutes of pleasant sleepiness while i arrange my pillow and blanket and then *sound of jet engines spinning up* and then i lie there for an hour or two pretending to myself that i am still sleepy while shifting restlessly and my brain is writing fic or rp posts like a busy busy bee so i get up all "fine if i can't sleep then i'll write down these ideas!" but as soon as i'm looking at an edit screen buhderp derp derp what are words gettin real tired of your shit, brain
ugh fuck this all period week always means my sleep schedule gets a lil funky Today I went out with some friends to grab food, got back around 7p, took a nap for a bit, and woke up at freaking 11p to the sound of my roomie & her sister coming in all giggly as fuck. I'm pissed at myself because hormones heavily fund the Paranoia Dept of my brain, which is already overfunded and also everyone in there is on tenure so it isn't like they come up with anything *fun* and *original*. So I spent a good hour of i don't wanna get up/is it bad manners to not get up/do they realize i'm here/are they talking about meeeeee before I coughed a bit because colds are No Fun and then I think they realized I was there and did the normal human thing of oh someone's here. But... they didn't say anything after that, and that has managed to ramp up into they're talking about meeee everyone's talking about me because I'm terrrrible (which is damn silly because a. people can talk about whoever the fuck they wanna talk about b. i talk about other people when they're not around, it's not uncommon c. there is like no reason to talk shit about me that i can think of rn d. i'm leaving in a week why do i even care) It's very frustrating, because now I'm not tired at all but I have nothing really to think about except how dumb my brain is being right now. Like, it's fucking election season in here, and the hormones are basically like a super-rich corporation version of the westboro baptist church, so they're going batshit funding everything except the things that would actually help. Well, at least there are still a lot of Common Sense Party members in office, because I've made tea and grabbed advil and done some stretches. But now I think I'm just going to watch video game playthroughs (anyone watch cryaotic's playthroughs? they are great. he has a great voice and it is very soothing) and hang out on the forums until I get tired-ish. Or morning I guess, whichever comes first.
I have to be up in an hour and a half! For a long day of classes! I have a test Wednesday and I wanted to study in the afternoon! I slept maybe 4 to 6 hours this weekend!!!!!! !!!!! And 45 minutes today!!!! I'm so anxious!!!!! I'm starting to think about giving up caffeine after 6pm, but then he have the problem that only coca cola, guaraná, coffee and black tea register as "drink" and everything else register as "sludge". (Water simply doesn't register)
Wooooo slept till 2:45 this afternoon! Exhausting anxiety dreams. Trapped in stores. Can't get ride home. Finding self at home, with the vague memory of having maybe bought a bright red pickup truck at some point to get home even though I already have a car. And I can't afford a bright red pickup truck and I don't even fucking like bright red pickup trucks and I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED THE DAY BEFORE WTF it just kept getting worse and i couldn't wake myself up. I was awakened by a phone call from my case manager, saying that I had just missed an appointment with her. :( Rescheduled for tomorrow. Aaaaaaaaand NOW I can't sleep!!! AAaahahaahaahh. Haahhh. .. wweh. :( I'm ambien dialing but too wound up for unconsciousness. It fucking sucks.
6:41 am. Paranoid to sleep while computer is resetting. Had bad sleep morning before due to severe night terrors. Had only an omelette, some leftover porridge for food. At the point where thoughts are repeating before they are even finished I'm too tired to play a tile matching game I can't beat I'm too tired to play a tile matching game tile matching game too - screeeech Eyes blurry and still getting used to touch keyboard on tablet. Things suck. Today is supposes to be houseowkr day Hahwhahahahahah
nuuuuuu can't sleep i managed to wake up by 2 this afternoon which means I might be able to wake up by 2 tomorrow afternoon too and the problem with that is work is at 1. I have my very first counselor's appointment at this new place on Thursday and having two things scheduled without a day between them stresses me out and now I can't sleep. Thinking i might call in tomorrow. :(
Also fun: not being able to sleep while in Any Sort of Pain. And having taken too much ibuprofen in the last 24 hours as it is, in a day with horrible cramps. I have to be up at 6 for work, its currently nearly midnight and sleep is going to be impossible until roughly 2-3, when I can take more motrin. Damn. Yay. Sounds like a fun night, and a wonderful day at work tomorrow. -.-
@genderfluid-he-she-it Sorry if you know this already, but if you're having problems with pain you can combine Paracetamol (I think Americans call it acetaminophen?) with Ibuprofen. You can start with 1000 mg of paracetamol and then after four hours take 400mg of ibuprofen (or 600 if that's what you normally take). After four hours you can then take the paracetamol again. I hope this helps you :)
@Emma I will most definitely be looking into that, thank you! I ended up getting to sleep around 1, because the pain went away enough, but it's still going to be a very long work day .-.
@genderfluid-he-she-it Probably ask your doctor about it :) But it's something that was recommended to me before and it's something we do in the Netherlands all the time :) By which I mean that they combining of the two drugs like that is recommended by doctors. Not something we do on our own :P
