Is this what they call a "crisis"?

Update: Misunderstood counselor, have to make appt for ADHD thing with someone else. Still stressful, but whatever. Not a huge deal.

Talked to counselor, nothing to report from that session. Went well.

The next day I woke up early and went to see the psychiatrist. She prescribed me meds for every day, and take-as-needed ones (fun added bonus for those: they're an antihistamine and help my awful allergies LOTS). I went to fill the prescription, and because Time, I asked my mom for a ride over there. Which... is really starting to feel like it was a huge mistake.

I talked to my mom about what was going on--it had been awhile since we really talked, and I was in a good mood, so I figured why not? I could have been smart and just kept quiet about what I was there for, but noooo, of course not. For context, my mom and I have a fucked up past (including lots of emotional abuse she'll likely never take responsibility for) BUT we're mostly on good terms right now. So, I tell her what's up, how I'm so happy I'm finally getting my mental health issues addressed, and talk about how I'm honestly so excited to get more of them (the ADHD, etc) taken care of too!

And like... she does this THING she does where she... honestly basically indirectly invalidates my feelings, now that I think about it. Talks to me about how I "can't diagnose [myself]" and how I should avoid getting on medications I don't need (well, yeah, obviously? But I do need this one). And I'm not doing the whole Tumblr extreme self-diagnosis thing (no, I am not against self-diagnosis in general, I think anyone on this forum knows what I mean by this), I'm like... saying "Ok well I feel like I might have [disorder] so I'm going to look into that!" and basically talking about, you know, how finally, fucking finally I'm starting to understand what is/what might be wrong with my brain. I also think she might STILL not think ADHD exists. But ugh basically I had to argue to justify my reasoning for why I MIGHT have the problems I think I do. AFTER GETTING OFFICIALLY DIAGNOSED WITH... ONE OF THE PROBLEMS I THOUGHT I HAD, and honestly the process to GET that diagnosis would have been so much slower without me up-front stating that I have anxiety and I want to see about getting medication for it.

All of this makes even less sense because she has bipolar... so... not only is it statistically likely that I am mentally ill, but she's on meds herself for mental illness. This isn't NT-parent-can't-comprehend-mental-illness or something.

But even after thinking about it, and typing all this out, I can't help but feel like?? Am I making a mistake??? What if I don't need this? What if my debilitating anxiety that I'm sure exists isn't even real at all? I don't know? Maybe if I just tried harder not to be anxious, I wouldn't feel like I needed meds? I'm scared that even after the meds start really working, maybe I won't get shit done because I'm actually just a lazy piece of shit. Or maybe I'm just a liar who wants an excuse to not do shit I don't??? kNOw/????

I'm so confused I want to trust myself but I don't know, I might just be full of shit anyway.

 

Thank you all for the support so far by the way I feel like I don't give enough back here (on the fourm in general) and I feel like it'd be annoying if I said "thanks!" and not much else every time but I really REALLY appreciate everything, I don't have much support irl or even online outside of here so idk yeah thanks

 

trust yourself. in the extremely unlikely event that you are full of shit, that is... also something to talk to a therapist about.
Your mom isn't expressing sincere concern for you or legitimate suggestions for your well-being, even if that's what she thinks she's doing, she's just whinging and undercutting you, your agency and independence, and your efforts to get the help you need.

Also, don't worry about "giving enough back," it's not a tit for tat thing. You're just plain cool and deserve support, end sentence, no obligations on your part.

 

Thanks... like, I know logically that... shaking for 5 minutes after speaking up in class about a subject I know that I'm knowledgeable about... isn't normal (and I documented that this happened even, as best I could) I've also been told by someone who has anxiety that she was sure I could benefit from medication, and recommended it. But like, I still can't shake the stuff my mom said to me. =/ (I hope she's still thinking about my comment about how "calling your kid manipulative for years fucks a person up" though.)

I don't know why she wants me to be NT so bad, either, like? Why? Does it matter? I feel like every time I talk about mental health problems I do/might have, she tries to convince me that I'm not having any problems that actually need addressing, and it's actually really weird and illogical.

She took me being trans with less argument than this, even! (Although at first she didn't want me to get HRT, but that came up ONCE not EVERY time I talked about it with her. She was totally cool with everything once I started HRT and never said another damn word about THAT--in fact, she was pretty supportive after our first few talks.)

;w; Ahh thank you... I just feel bad because I wanna help everyone else too, especially if they're supporting me so much and so well! I really hope someday I'm able to give back to people who have helped me, but I'm not so good at it now.

 

Not really an update, but some thoughts. Daily meds haven't shown a major effect, but they're not supposed to for a few weeks, so that's ok. Definitely lower levels of anxiety than "normal" for me, for the past few days, though, which is great. As-needed ones work lightning fast, but rationing them for when I really need it. If I'm sitting alone on the computer, a little anxiety isn't gonna kill me lol

Thinking I'll need to talk to the counselor more about my non-anxiety stuff since I'll be able to easier face the shit that was keeping me from doing anything now. Last time I briefly mentioned my abuser (whose abuse likely caused a lot of my specific social fears) so we're probably going to spend awhile talking about that next session. It's a long story. (I might end up making a thread on here because I feel like I need to talk about it now that I feel comfortable talking about it at all.)

He knows I'm pretty sure I have ADHD but I haven't brought up my very likely autism and I kind of want to? Because I feel like he needs to understand that when I say I don't get social cues, I mean I really don't understand them. A lot of my social ISSUES, when I'm not too anxious to interact with people, are because I'm probably fucking autistic but somehow NO ONE HAS NOTICTED. I also want to try to get it diagnosed, which I'm guessing I can try to do when I get the ADHD diagnosis? Possibly?

I'm really scared to even bring up that I'm pretty sure I'm autistic though, because I feel like I'm just going to get shot down. I kind of feel like that's... sort of an important part of How I Work, though. I'd rather it not be left out if it's relevant. :/

 

Meds are definitely doing their thing, but now I'm sitting here thinking "Do I go into class and tell the professor 'lol yeah I just started skipping ur class cuz it made me anxious but uhh here I am now!'" or do I just cut my losses and skip.

I'm not really anxious about class--but I know I'm so behind the idea of catching up is laughable.

I also didn't call the dean of students like I was supposed to BECAUSE ANXIETY and I'm not really sure if I'm up to a phone call just yet, I wanna take baby steps because it's honestly been so long since I've made a successful phone call by myself...

So all I have right now is my own word, and I guess it might be worth trying to talk to him? But the last time I did that with nothing to back me up, it went... really badly.

 

Really anxious about upcoming endo appointment. I can't tell if the sudden spike in anxiety is because of hormones (today is shot day) or because the appointment is soon. If it subsides after shot, I'm going to assume hormones.

My endo has been really dismissive and difficult during the entire 2 years I've been seeing him--and if it weren't for the fact that finding someone else will be difficult (and potentially more expnesive), I would already have found a new one. (Also, I'm not sure?? what the protocol for switching doctors is, and that stresses me out.)

He often has a dismissive and accusatory tone when talking to me (I'm bad at recognizing these things reliably, but my gf agrees with me), and he doesn't... really seem to have a lot of experience with trans people. He's continuously done things completely different from what multiple internet sources tell me are the norm, and then told me I'm wrong when I tried to gently suggest that he might be doing something different from usual. We've reached kind of... something, recently, though, and he's been a bit less dismissive.

But I feel like especially at first, he felt like I was lying to him (I mentioned my history--that I'd been diagnosed with depression, and in passing had brought up my anxiety)... and well, I kind of feel like I was, because I only mentioned things I found relevant (so I only mentioned issues I could directly tie to hormones) and I rarely mentioned how easily stressed I am, or how anxious I am in general (admittedly, this is because I think I didn't fully realize that the level of anxiety I deal with on a daily basis is... not normal. But people have been telling me that's the case for awhile.).

I'm really, really worried that he's going to respond poorly since, you know, I have to tell him the medication I'm on now. My gf says she'll help me by trying to deflect prying questions by saying she doesn't think they're relevant, but I'm still really worried that he'll be extra pushy or shitty...

 

imo "I didn't realize this much anxiety isn't normal" is a perfectly valid reason not to have mentioned it.

It can't hurt to look into finding a new endo. In my neck of the woods, in fact, it's more common to be seeing a GP with experience with trans people rather than an endo specifically. And I would expect that if anything it would be cheaper to see a GP than the endo.

 

Yeah, I suppose so. But it's been a few years that people have been trying to urge me to do something about it. Just when it's not BAD, it's... tolerable, to me lmao

Unfortunately, where I live, it seems like finding either a GP OR endo that will do HRT has proven pretty difficult. (I gave myself a hell of a panic attack just trying to find this guy, too many phone calls.) But after this appointment, I'm probably going to try to find someone else. He's absolutely awful at what he's doing, and so stressful to deal with. :( The main reason I haven't found someone new yet is because of my inability to manage phone calls for myself, and just too much other shit going on. It's kind of like, this is the least broken thing in my life rn, so it's getting the least attention.

 

I know that feeling with anxiety. It's manageable until it's not, and when it's not it's so unmanageable that it's impossible to get around to getting help for it.

Maybe try asking on the ftm reddit if anyone in your area knows of a doctor other than him? Then you're not just shooting in the dark. Or your psychiatrist or a doctor at school (does your school have a clinic?) if they know anyone who'll supervise HRT in the area; my school's med clinic won't prescribe T, but they're the ones who gave me the referral to the dr who hopefully will.

fwiw sometimes I find taking care of the least-broken thing first makes dealing with everything else that much easier, both because it's that much less left to deal with and because it gives you a little boost to know that You Solved A Problem. Good luck!

 

Everything went better than expected! For some reason, my endo was... 100% less shitty than usual. My gf says it might be because I came off as confident/assertive because I'm not 1000% anxious.

Still gonna look for another doctor/endo, but now that that's done with for now, I can at least relax. I might try those suggestions, thanks! I also have a friend who may be able to point me in the right direction if I can get a hold of him, so I'm sure by the time I need to see someone again I can get that fixed up.

Today I also had a counselling session, which mostly went well, besides the counselor thinking fixing my anxiety would possibly cure my probably-ADHD... and then telling me that my incredibly spotty and selective focus ability was ~probably not ADHD~ and making me feel like shit. :D (To be fair, I described it as "without anxiety, I'm great at abusing hyper-focusing", but I also think ONLY being able to sometimes force hyperfocus is... not actually a problem fixed.) It made me feel really bad and like I was just lazy and not having issues with executive dysfunction until I saw an anon submitting to seebs with a similar situation to me and getting told "yep prolly ADHD".

But now, I get to wait for THAT. I honestly might ask around and see if there's an affordable place with a shorter waiting list than my school, but who knows!

Meds update: if it wasn't obvious, apparently doing a lot of good! It's very strange to not be socially anxious nearly all the time, but a good kind of strange.

 

Finally got around to calling the school to get on the waitlist for ADHD evaluation--basically, they'll call me whenever there is an opening (but because they operate on the school's schedule, they'll be closed for a while during the summer).

SO I asked what the average price for a nearby ADHD treatment center was, and finding out it was only about $150 more than my university would charge, I went ahead and sent them an application because they can definitely get me an appointment at the start of June. I figure if my university calls me first, I'll just go with them and cancel my appointment with the treatment center.

ANYWAY that means I should be able to get my probably-ADHD treated this summer!! I'm excited!!

 

HOly shit that's some fast turn-around, already got me an appointment in about a month.

 

I wasn't going to bother posting this, but you know what, what the hell. It's relevant enough, and if nothing else I might want it in the narrative in order for myself later.

So, my mom needed help with her computer yesterday, so I went to her house after counselling to help her out. Yesterday's session wasn't really super helpful but it wasn't... enormously unhelpful either, with the exception of once again, the whole implied? insistence that I don't have ADHD again--which I'm not upset by the possibility of such (as I'm fully aware of it) but I'm frustrated at the insistence that my symptoms that look like ADHD are likely caused by my anxiety, when I know that is unlikely based on my own experience. (More on that later.)

Yes, but to talk about my mom--I updated her on how the anxiety meds are treating me, because despite her poor response last time, I thought telling her the meds are immensely helpful would make her realize, yes, I know what I'm doing, and I did need them. We discussed that, and she apologized and told me she was happy I was getting my life together! Yay!

She also told me the reason she was trying to advise me about meds, is because she... basically was like saying she didn't want me to have to be "on meds all [my] life"? Or something. I laughed and told her, "I already am!" and she was just like "oh, right".

But the BEST PART was that after that, I told her about my upcoming ADHD evaluation, and in the interest of finding out if the symptoms HAD persisted without anxiety (as I had NO anxiety as a kid--most of my social anxiety is related to what's probably PTSD), I ran a long-ass checklist by her. And... she was like "yeah almost all of these applied to you as a kid". For the moment, that helped me a lot and made me feel... not like a lazy piece of shit.

So then, I asked her about autism related stuff. What was really interesting, was as we were discussing all of this, she brought up how I was as a kid, and the fact that she depended on a certain book (which I had remembered her mentioning quite often) called "The Difficult Child". It was released in 85, and she likely had that edition (I found out that a newer edition came out in 2000, which actually mentions ADHD and medications for other disorders). Without me even mentioning sensory issues... she asks me "Do you have clothes you have to wear, because of the way it feels?" And my eyes fucking widen and I'm just like "That's autism." I'm... pretty much convinced that that book is basically "how to deal with an autistic kid but we're not gonna say autism".

So honestly we like talked for... several hours about how autism explains ALL OF MY PROBLEMS AS A KID. ALL OF THEM. And she's just like "we didn't know what was wrong!" and I'm just... sitting there thinking holy shit how did no one notice or mention this when I literally read out pages about how to recognize autism in kids and she's just like "that explains a lot".

Also, I'm even more firmly convinced that my mom is and my dad was fucking autistic as hell, based on the conversation we had.

So uh. Haha wow holy shit.

But anyway then I got really self-doubtful about the ADHD thing again because the counsellor keeps saying "but it COULD BE YOUR ANXIETY" but I don't... think it is... but I know that technically he's more equipped to recognize this stuff... but I'm in my head. So... I don't really know who's right.

idk after writing about the conversation with my mom I think I'm right again but honestly I'm probably going to fall into extreme self-doubt again in an hour or two lmao

STILL yeah sorry for WALL OF TEXT I tried to make it kind of easy to parse or skip around through I'M JUST I cannot believe why did no one tell my mom autism was a thing.

 

Unless your counselor is a psychologist he's not really that much more qualified to tell it's purely anxiety. And, heck, the psychiatrist at my uni won't diagnose ADHD; she just refers people for in depth testing.

It might be entirely anxiety. But I think given all the evidence pointing to ADHD means testing is a solid course of action.

 

don't really have very much to contribute advice-wise but just wanted to say that I totally feel you, bro. on the horrible-anxiety-now-blessedly-medicated front and with regards to the maybe-autism and maybe-ADHD fronts as well. (in fact, I think I might've been the anon submitter to Seebs you mentioned a couple posts back—was it this post? if so, that's me, and we could maybe compare symptoms or some such if it might help with your self-doubt.)

 

Holy shit, yeah @esotericPrognosticator I think it WAS your submission, actually! Because I'm very similar lmao So in that case, I guess I'll go ahead and list my symptoms as best I can (also for anyone else's benefit, if they wanna give input) because... yeah idk it's 6 am and honestly I have nothing better to do because I accidentally slept for like 12 hours I think.

• So, pre-anxiety-meds my focus was way worse, but mostly in that I was avoiding allowing myself to do fun things, in fear I might just keep doing the fun thing for hours at a time. (So, hyperfocus I think?) In the past (before my anxiety manifested/was bad), I had a tendency to do that. The only way I ever used to get art done was in 8-hour sessions, at least. Any other time I do/would draw, it's like, for 10-30 minutes tops (unless doing it at the same time as something else).
• Like you, according to your submission... I basically don't study. I basically CAN'T study. (Which I brought up to my counselor who unhelpfully said "well nobody likes studying, you just have to find the way that works for you!" but... nothing... works...) In most classes and all through grade-high school, this wasn't really a problem. I currently have a 3.0 GPA, and I p much don't study/read at all. (It's probably gonna drop because that + anxiety fucked me over in 2 classes this semester, but whatever. The fact is I have that GPA despite having fucked myself over due to lack of focus/anxiety before, which is probably impressive.)
• I wrote the draft of the lit review for my research proposal mostly the morning it was due. Apparently did a really good job. Like, I was the only person who didn't need to rewrite a lot of mine.
• ...I didn't even read the entire papers/articles I was using. (And likely wouldn't have been able to.)
• On that note, especially lately, I haven't been able to read shit. When I do/can read, it's only if I'm VERY interested, or I skip around a lot/miss stuff. The only times I've actually been able to read a huge thing straight-through, I've irritated people who are trying to talk to me--I can't hear them because I'm reading. Otherwise, I skip around/skim eeeeeeverything. At worst, I just... can't read. Like I'll get one sentence in, and understand that fine, but like my comprehension is shit after that. I'll have to read it a few times.
• Additionally, I don't think my anxiety is causing my lack of focus, because it's knowing I can't focus for shit that sometimes makes me anxious. I don't think I'm mistaking the order of those.
• During long lectures, I check the fuck out pretty often, sometimes without noticing it, and especially if I'm not interested in the subject matter. I don't think I've been "all there" for any of the lectures on statistics in my scientific methods class. (I did have one class I was constantly nearly falling asleep in, and taking notes in multiple colors helped for that class, but I don't often actually take notes. Even when I do I don't keep up with them well.)
• I'm a huge fucking mess, and staying organized is pretty difficult for me, even though I REALLY WANT TO. Also constantly losing shit. I kind of just have accepted that I'm never going to know where either my phone, keys, or ipod is. One of them is always gonna be missing.
• I can't sit down long enough to watch movies most of the time. I get really restless being still and quiet for that long.
• CONSTANTLY BOUNCIN THE LEG.
• Apparently having difficulty waiting one's turn is a common symptom and I am the master of being bad at that. But partially because if it's a discussion I'm gonna fucking forget what I was going to say--but I think that's ALSO a symptom.
• The most easily distracted. Also I can't really do just one thing at a time. I tend to spend my time moving between doing lots of stuff, but it's not very efficient. T_T;;;
• I start so many projects I never finish orz

This list isn't uh, exhaustive, but it got really long so I'm gonna stop it here. I think I hit most of the "this is probably ADHD and not something else" symptoms though.

I just really wish my counselor wasn't so stuck on it being ~probably my anxiety~ since anxiety meds have done nothing for this shit, and I have never connected most of these things with my anxiety? Like, I know that I didn't let myself have fun because anxiety, but that's because I knew I would probably hyperfocus. In any case, I also made the mistake (like I said before) of telling the counselor I'm great at abusing hyperfocus, but that's not really a lie. The problem is, I'm also great at... accidentally focusing on anything but the thing I SHOULD be. It's a gamble lmao

 

cool! nice to know there are other people like me out there. :P I'm gonna go through point by point and compare with your symptoms, if that's okay?

• I definitely have the hyperfocus problem. well, I guess it's hyperfocus? because I do feel absorbed in what I'm doing, and I do have a very hard time switching tasks, like, at all. I also seem to work more efficiently than most people while in this state. although I don't think I've ever done anything besides read for eight hours straight, that's quite impressive! idk. it's really hard to compare focus between people, I've found. and I also think that you're correct in thinking that your focus improved after you went on the meds because your anxiety about the focus improved, that makes sense. and also is a thing that happened to me when I got working anxiety meds. (as a side note: anxiety meds, right? how great are they. mine are a combo of Propranolol and Zoloft, if that's in any way comparable to yours.)
• yeah, definitely same. I have forced myself to study in much the same way I force myself to write papers, but it is incredibly hard to focus, and in the past two years I've only done it, like, twice. and both times for under two hours. btw your counselor is full of shit—nobody does like studying, but most people can do it, and obviously you can't, so. as a point of comparison I have a 4.2 GPA as of last term, but I am in high school. it's one of America's top schools (like top 10) but still.
• very much something that would happen to me, lmao.
• with regard to reading, I do very much tend to skim. which means I read fast, but my comprehension suffers somewhat. and even if I catch myself skimming and try to focus, it really... doesn't work.
• agreed! anxiety might fuck with your focus if it was, like, making you feel physically sick all the time (hi, Past Me), but in my experience that's way more easily worked around than more basic focus issues.
• throwback to math class last year when I fell asleep every single class the entire winter term, lmao. so yeah, I do have trouble listening to lectures or discussions if I'm not, like, intellectually engaged, definitely enough so that when I went on ADHD meds I noticed my listening skills going way up. but again this is difficult to tell from the outside because I do get interested in class material, more so than a lot of people I think, and I don't really need to listen all that well to understand, anyway.
• I have what I am told is an exceptional memory. only thing I regularly forget? where I put the damn thing, "thing" being pretty much everything. unless it's part of the Routine or if I worry about it 24/7 (like my phone and ID card), I will forget it.
• usually not into movies. unless I am very focused on the movie. but I have a lot more trouble just... consuming visual media... than most people, I think.
• oh my god the leg. the leg never stops. unless I cross my legs, but that's, like, girly, so I try not to. (hi, dysphoria.)
• I have had it drilled into me that during discussion one does not interrupt, but man do I have a natural tendency towards that.
• nnnnot super much? I mean, if I'm focused, I'm not distractible at all, pretty much. but. the focusing.
• #relatable (@literally all of my creative endeavors)

yeah, I think you did hit a lot of the highlights. also "accidentally focusing on anything but the thing I should be" is my life in one sentence. anyway, my "professional" opinion here is that you are a very smart dude with ADHD and your counselor is full of shit. also you need to try out some ADHD meds because man did they work on me. if they work you can just tell your counselor "look man if they help they help" and even they shouldn't be able to argue with that. good thing about that plan is that they work right away if they're going to (okay, onset of action is like 45 minutes usually, close enough), so you'll be able to tell with just one dose, unlike, say, depression meds, which take forever to kick it. if your counselor refuses to let you try some meds out, I would advise you to dump 'em and find someone else who did attend the listening skills portion of kindergarten if at all possible.

 

omg so it sounds like we ARE very similar, thank you so much for that input! Definitely sounds like ADHD meds will fix the remainder of my problems. Also I don't know anything about the med you're taking with the Zoloft, but I'm on Paxil for my anxiety, which is also an antidepressant so... possibly similar.

Unfortunately, since my counselor is not directly prescribing the meds, I can't tell him to do anything, and I'm under the impression the psychiatrist is unlikely to do so* (although I can discuss it with her when I see her). I will definitely try talk to both of them about your input! I'm under the impression the psychiatrist may not do anything without an official diagnosis, though (based on information I've been given)... BUT it seems like this indicates I'm likely to get the official diagnosis when I see the ADHD center, and after that point I will be able to get meds through my psychiatrist for sure. Maybe I'll get lucky before then though, so I will talk to her!

*the reason I don't think she's likely to do so, is because I was told directly that I need a diagnosis in order to get meds (for ADHD) through her. Hence why I've got the appointment lined up for an evaluation. I don't know if she'll make an exception, but this probably has to do with the fact that I'm doing this through the school so I have to jump through their hoops.

 

well, I would caution you that my meds didn't, like, make everything magically perfect. I still do have focusing problems, especially because the meds are so annoyingly short-lived (like four hours max, and then they do nothing). it's just that everything got a lot better, and even if I have to make myself do things, it's very much easier. incidentally they also did a number on my... social enthusiasm, if that makes any sense? I believe you said you might be autistic, and I might as well, so this might be applicable to you—normally I have very few spoons for social interaction, but my spoon count for that definitely increased on the meds. they also helped mood, if that's something you have issues with—like, my doctor actually initially prescribed them as augmentation for my anti-depressants, and what it feels like they did is give me a lot more energy to be happier, if that makes any sense. (btw, what I'm on is Focalin, although I doubt your doctors will listen to the prescription advice of a Random Internet Dude.) and actually Propranolol is a blood-pressure-lowering medication, lmao! thing is, it works by blocking the sympathetic nervous system's beta receptors, and if you know a bit about anatomy, it makes sense that it would therefore help physical anxious reactions. my main problem with the anxiety was in fact its physical manifestations, which descended seemingly on the whims of a vengeful god, and it straight up got rid of the majority of those, so. my doctor is magic.

also it's worth noting that I don't actually have a formal ADHD diagnosis, because as I noted above the meds were actually prescribed for depression. my doctor certainly seems open to the possibility, but I don't necessarily think your experiences aligning with mine means that you are clearly ADHD and will immediately get a diagnosis, because my impression is that I don't present as classically ADHD at all. I suspect part of this is because regardless of whether I am actually autistic I definitely seem to have some of the traits, and those traits can mask ADHD symptoms, like you mentioned with your counselor using your hyperfocus as proof that you aren't ADHD. but regardless I'm really glad that you think some of what I've said might be helpful when you talk to your doctors, and I hope that they'll listen!