Is this what they call a "crisis"?

Oh, of course I don't expect it to make things magically perfect... I just feel like it will patch things up enough for me to be able to function, and that's all I'm trying to do here. I did get very excited to see that that's... some evidence that I could benefit from the meds, though, hence my response.

Ah, diagnosis or not, I've had others tell me it really does seem like I have ADHD... that and Seebs' response to you--all things considered it seems unlikely that I can go in for a diagnosis and not get it, that's all I'm saying. I'm sorry if I didn't make much sense orz (I should add that nearly every "do you have ADHD quiz" I've taken has said I likely do, and I relate to most ADHD feels posts and lists.)

The point is, it seems to indicate that this might be a solution to the issue, should everything else fail. And honestlly, I don't think everything else is going to work the way things are currently going. I don't expect my focus to improve any more than it has on the Paxil alone. So thank you very much for the input! I hope that it will help me, and if nothing else it's eased my mind a little. I'm glad I'm not overreacting in response to my counselor making... strange, incorrect assumptions based on the information I've provided lol

 

yeah, I definitely do think they'll help you! and definitely to the point of functionality. I suppose there might be a variety of methods of actions between different ADHD meds, so the effects might be different on you depending on what you're prescribed, and of course we are different people. but the abuse of things like Ritalin as a study aid indicates to me that they actually do do something to everyone, and that it's just that something is particularly helpful to people with ADHD. idk, I'm not a psychiatrist, lmao.

also I apologize if it seemed like I might be calling whether or not you had ADHD into question—I didn't mean to! it's just that my experience with some portions of the medical community has been that they look at things that are obviously symptomatic and go, "hmm, that's not diagnosable," so. I think the fact that you were referred for a diagnosis is a very good sign, though!

yeah, I do think this is a solution you should pursue, and I'm really glad that hearing about it has been reassuring for you. and no, you are not overreacting, your counselor is probably just very, very invested in this theory he has about you that actually has nothing to do with reality. :P

 

Update and partially note to self: my tendency to burn out after obsessively doing/working on something can also possibly be related to ADHD. I tried to be super productive last month for my store on Second Life--but since last month I haven't been able to work on 3D at all even though I love it. I've just been in executive dysfunction hell wrt 3D. I assumed it was because of my anxiety, but even with meds and very low anxiety, I still can't do it. Decided to google "ADHD and burnout" and hahahahahaha oh god it sounds like me with EVERY HOBBY EVER... except this one is... my income now... I gotta get my shit together.

(Google tells me self-care is key to fixing this, but I can't imagine that meds wouldn't help, because it's like pulling teeth to force myself to focus and that's probably contributed to the burnout.)

Quick edit: also I hope it doesn't seem like I'm ignoring your response ahh, thank you and I just didn't have anything to add! Also sorry that I came off as defensive, probably, it's taking a lot of energy to keep myself from freaking out about the possibility that the evaluation could end in no diagnosis because that would be Expensive.

 

Incidentally, the ease with which I can be convinced I'm wrong and the spiral of self-doubt it sends me into seems like it may be symptomatic of something, but I have no idea what. If someone has input on that, I'd appreciate it. (You can see many examples of it over the course of this thread.)

 

unfortunately I don't think it's symptomatic of one thing specifically, but generally what I think it indicates is a low opinion of yourself and your reasoning, pretty much, or maybe just your reasoning surrounding these issues. the problem is, that could be a hell of a lot of things. for example, you could be depressed, which absolutely tanks your self-esteem; or you could have anxiety, which would cause you to worry without proof that you are wrong; or you could possibly have a personality disorder, although I'm not very qualified to talk about those. and as for things that aren't mental illness necessarily—you could have been wrong enough in the past about these issues, or told enough that you were wrong, that you're thinking back to that pattern of behavior and doubting yourself even when you're right. that could very easily have happened with things surrounding ADHD—for instance, if you had struggled to focus but been told often that you were just lazy, you could have internalized that and now doubt yourself overmuch when thinking about things surrounding focus and laziness. or if you've been emotionally abused—been consistently invalidated, told that you're wrong and bad—then that very easily can stick around and cause low self-esteem. so idk, really. it's definitely a thing to bring up to the counselor if you do therapy-type stuff with him.

 

So, update time!

I'm now firmly convinced I have ADHD and not doubting myself so much, probably because of time away from people who aren't paying attention to the whole picture.

Meds situation is A PLUS. It's so amazing not being anxious all the time about everything. I know I say this every time but it honestly just keeps getting better. I think it's coming on that 3-4 weeks for the full effect, so that's probably why. EXCELLENT.

My ADHD evaluaiton got bumped up to tomorrow because someone cancelled and I was the first new patient to snatch up the new patient appointment. Yay! ...I forgot I had a counselor appointment scheduled at the same time tomorrow, though, so I'm going to have to cancel that tomorrow morning. WHOOPS.

Talked to my mom today and she told me another story that confirms my obvious autism. It's... wow. So like.

When I was in first grade, my teacher had one of those color-coded behavior systems and so obviously, good behavior = green, bad behavior = bad. My parents punished me ... a lot ... for constantly getting reds. (Thankfully most of this punishment wasn't like, abusive, I think. But it sucked a lot.)

Today my mom told me how when I was a kid I "didn't understand really simple things"--of course, I know this. I STILL don't understand a lot of really simple things. But then she referenced the color system and told me I "didn't understand what the colors meant". Now, I don't remember a lot of my childhood clealry. But I fucking knew what those colors meant. I just... didn't understand why I was getting in trouble...

I told her I likely didn't know how to articulate that properly at like, 6 years old. But uh. Yeah. I fucking knew what red meant. I just had no idea what I was doing and no one ever told me. while acting like I should understand.

 

glad you're finally solid on the logical conclusion from factual evidence! :P and I'm really glad about your anxiety meds too; being not anxious is so fucking wonderful. (even though my meds don't really get rid of the cognitive anxiety—they just deal with the physical symptoms.) also, good luck with your evaluation tomorrow, and, lmao, that forgot-you-have-another-engagement thing is so ADHD. also, yeah, man. that "you should understand! it's so obvious!" thing. smol me dealt with that a lot, both having it applied to them and snobbishly applying it to other people in academic environments. but yeah it sucks.

 

Thank you! It took me some time, but I did it lmoa

Yeah, honestly I'm similar--my brain never stops firing. But the physical symptoms would overwhelm me so much. I think the meds help a bit with the cognitive anxiety, but without the physical symptoms I'm much more able to logic myself out of being anxious at all. I hope it continues to improve as I build up good social experiences! >w<

lmao SO I'VE HEARD... there's no way the evaluation won't go well. Hopefully. I'M GOING TO KEEP TELLING MYSELF THAT IT WILL GO WELL.

Yeah, it's really awful. It still happens to me, honestly, it's where a lot of my social anxiety comes from tbh. Once I realized I behaved in socially unacceptable ways unintentionally, I got so scared of doing it... Being older now at least I have an okay understanding of how "normal" people act, at least.

 

damn, the similarities strike again! I feel pretty much exactly the same way. although logic is not particularly effective at getting rid of feelings, it's a damn sight more helpful with them than it is with, say, nausea. idk what is up with cognitive anxiety honestly. there's like this separate part of my brain which is like "what if everything went wrong though" and even though the rest of my brain is like "GOD SHUT UP MERVIN NO ONE CARES" it still bothers me. (Mervin is the name of one of my great-grandfathers. understandably, he went by Shorty. hope he doesn't mind me naming my anxiety after him.)

IT WILL GO WELL, NEVER FEAR. AND IF IT DOESN'T THEY ARE WRONG.

yeah, I'm almost certain that's where mine comes from too! (I gather it's a fairly common reaction to autism in female-socialized people.) like, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be so deathly scared of fucking up if I hadn't been traumatized by my previous pattern of fuckups, even though I'm a lot better at telling what not to do now. the worst part of it is that I get super uncomfortable when I sense that other people are gonna fuck up socially too, like second-hand-embarrassment-style, so I end up seeming all judgmental and frankly ableist around socially inept people. :/ and of course the fear's still out of proportion, but. anxiety. whatcha gonna do.

 

ngl I feel like this is basically a criterion of every MI, because everyone I know who's been diagnosed with one does the "maybe? maybe not? wait no I obviously am. But wait maybe I am a horrible faker?" song and dance.

 

IT'S OFFICIALLY I HAVE ADHD

I'm going back in 2 weeks after the labs are done, and from the sound of things I guess we'll start trying out meds then.
I'd write more but I'm really tired and don't feel like it, but there's not much to say. The doctor went from "do you have X symptom?" to his "ADHD is not a bad thing" spiel REALLY FAST lmao

also @budgie tru, I guess I was trying to reference how I am about EVERYTHING but in the context of this thread it is definitely mostly mental illness related. @v@;;;;

 

Back with update!

Counselor appt was rescheduled AGAIN because he wasn't there today, but honestly at this point I'm pretty chill about it. Anxiety meds still working fine as far as I can tell.

I think the test I took for ADHD was stupid because despite recognizing hyperfocus exists (he mentioned it in our first appt) the doctor was saying I was ~so focused~ on the test that my ADHD must be mild, which I was like??? But I like games??? So ofc I could focus on 20 minutes of a game??????? I don't get why he doesn't think I have focus problems when I told him AND my gf told him through the paper tests we were given and speaking to him.

Regardless, I did get a script for meds because YAY at least he recognizes that yes, I am ADHD as fuck, even if he only seems to think the hyperactivity symptoms are actually there atm. Script is for Guanfacine which he chose because hyperactivity. I'm frustrated, but if it works, it works. I know it's just my mind + anxiety getting ahead of me thinking, "Oh god he fucked up this is probably not the right medication" but it's frustrating when I /know/ I have focus issues and I??d on't?? whatever

Anyway I'm done with this update, too many things going on at once and I'm frustrate. There's more but I'm done. I'll get to it next time.

edit: ok im really frustrated googling and seeing that a lot of people didn't get much effectiveness wrt focus with guanfacine and ggggggggggggggggggggg I hate everything this is terrible because the focusing problem is. my. issue.

 

Now I'm freaking out because I feel like I made a TERRIBLE mistake and I'm gonna get on meds that don't solve the problem I'm having at all and everything is terrible and I'm just spending money I don't need to and I probably don't have ADHD and I'm just a terrible lazy student and a terrible lazy person in general and everything is terrible and everything hurts.

 

I don't have anyone to talk to and feel alone and my first instinct is "my gf is terrible for lseeping and leaving me alone" I hate htis I hate everything and im really axnious does that mean the anxiety meds arent working hlep

 

@smallgayghoul hey, are you feeling a bit better now? sounds like you were really upset for a while there and I'm sorry I wasn't around to talk to you :(

 

It's ok, I'm ... better?? Now? I think. Giving this medication a shot even though I've read it's not been helpful with focus. I'm kind of worked up right now about other stuff, but I've mostly calmed from whatever that was. This might be something to talk with the doctor who's prescribing the anxiety meds about, I'm not sure.

Thanks for the words, though!! Even if they were the next day. ;w;

 

yeah, I think maybe do have a talk with the anxiety-meds doctor. that sounded like an attack of some sort of brainweasels, and you were worrying about something, so. maybe you could do with a dosage adjustment, or a new med for acute attacks like that, or something. and you're welcome! least I could do.

 

Yeah. I have an as-needed med that I can take for times like that, I just am a total idiot who didn't take it until AFTER thoroughly freaking out. Since I've barely needed it, though, it might be worth talking to them

Also, since I've been advised to basically... figure out the dosage for the ADHD med myself (no really), I'm going to use this thread to keep track of that because I'll probably literally forget to put this anywhere else.

Starting out the month before I see him again with 1 pill per day; he says I can take up to 4 per day and may need to try 1 in the morning, 1 in the afternoon, up to 2 at each time. This is my second day taking it, and so far no notable effects on impulsivity/hyperactivity that I can see (however, it's kind of hard for me to measure that myself?) and zero effect on ability to focus. I still switch between several tasks at once when I should be/am trying to focus on one, I still can't really manage to keep my mind from wandering most of the time.

Also seeing none of the bad side effects I've seen in my googling, at least. It hasn't knocked me out and I'm not seeing increased irritability. I've seen "headache" listed as a possible side effect but without further experience I can't say that the headache I had the other day had any relation: bad headaches/migraines run in my family, and it's not terribly uncommon for me to have one with no obvious cause.

 

Update mostly for my own reference: starting to take 2 pills/day as of today. One in morning, one in afternoon. Will report on effects.

Bonus info: despite knowing that the money is better per minute spent, and the work is objectively easier, I get super restless doing grading work instead of regular transcription. Can't really see how this is anything but ADHD. That was on 1 pill/day, maybe I can use it as a measure in the coming days.

 

Update: still @ 2 pills/day. Noticing no changes at all. Still only have two modes: focused on absolutely nothing and focused on one thing to the detriment of EVERYTHING ELSE.

Not seeing a noticeable change in hyperactivity/impulsivity, but still not sure how best to measure that (maybe I should try to play a fighting game).

Mind still wandering, even when making as much effort as possible to stay on task, fight against executive dysfunction. Focus has not improved.

Will go up to 3 pills/day tomorrow and see how that works. Doesn't look promising tbh.

Also, had counseling appointment on Tuesday. Nothing of note to report. Started talking about the trauma that I think probably caused PTSD (however, I have no official diagnosis for that as I haven't discussed this at length with... anyone professional before that day).

Almost forgot: Also not seeing bad side effects currently as far as I can tell. No other random headaches, etc. MAY be experiencing tiredness but needs further investigation as my sleep schedule recently changed and it may just be that catching up with me. Will try to maintain schedule to confirm.