Just have no one to talk to right now

Discussion in 'Brainbent' started by Willowanderer, Apr 13, 2017.

  1. Willowanderer

    Willowanderer Does her best

    So today was not a great day, you know how it is, things pile up and it's almost okay except for the parts that aren't so you shove them aside, because you don't have to sweep today, you can sweep tomorrow
    Only it's all still there.
    And I don't know what to do. I know I need to get my meds adjusted, but it's not really... you know desprate, so I figure I can wait a couple weeks to my next apointment.
    But I'm just
    I don't know
    My sister's not so good, and she's nauseous all the time, and she can't eat because she's nauseous all the time and it's just so tireing, but I feel like I can't get upset, because she's a danger
    she has suicidal thougths, real ones, not just the chant of 'I want to be dead' actual tried to hang herself had a gun in her hand stepped in front of a car and all of them were stupidly ill planned and didn't work and most of the time she doesn't really want to die, I think e
    I can't take it anymore, because I feel if I mess up too much and I let my emotions be my emotions then she'll kill herself and somehow it'll be my fault and worse she'll be dead
    and I know she's trying and I know she's trying but it all seems to be 'well I can't cope with that so I won't' and it never seems to get better
    and I'm so tired,
    I don't know what to do
    and people are counting on me and I'm trying and I'm holding it together except when I don't and I yell and I throw things and I'm afraid I'm a horrible person and I'm making everything worse
    and I'm a burden on my mother except I'm not, because I do so much, I just don't do the dishes.
    And I always have to be around my sister because she needs help and I need help and no one knows what to do to help me so they don't do anything
    and I can't blame them because I don't know what I need
    except to maybe
    not have to try and be calm and helpfull
    and it doesn't WORK because now my mother is mad that I 'lecture' her all the time and I don't.
    I just don't want to do this anymore
    but all of the alternatives are worse.
    <s> so I guess that makes it my fault because I don't leave</s>
    I'm doing all I can
    it just doesn't seem to be enough.
    and I can't lay this on my friends.
    not all of it. They listen a little but this is too much, it's too big.
    I just want someone to hear me.
    • Witnessed x 2
  2. Willowanderer

    Willowanderer Does her best

    If no one ever comes and apologises for upseting me, is that a stupid thing to do and I should stop?
    But I really do feel bad for upsetting people...
    I just cry when I realise no one seems to feel the same way. it's just 'oh it's okay that you're upset' 'that just happens' and that's you know something, but...
    it feels like they don't care.
    • Witnessed x 2
  3. KingdomByTheSea

    KingdomByTheSea Well-Known Member

    I know I'm just an internet stranger, but I hear you, and please feel free to PM me if you want to talk to someone one-on-one. It is 100% understandable to feel frustrated and upset even if your sister can't help her health issues--caregiver fatigue is a thing. (It also wouldn't be your fault if she killed herself, even if it feels that way <3). I wish I had something better to offer than sympathy and a listening ear, but I hope things look up soon, and again, I'm always here to listen!
    • Like x 2
  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
    Dismiss Notice