So today was not a great day, you know how it is, things pile up and it's almost okay except for the parts that aren't so you shove them aside, because you don't have to sweep today, you can sweep tomorrow Only it's all still there. And I don't know what to do. I know I need to get my meds adjusted, but it's not really... you know desprate, so I figure I can wait a couple weeks to my next apointment. But I'm just I don't know My sister's not so good, and she's nauseous all the time, and she can't eat because she's nauseous all the time and it's just so tireing, but I feel like I can't get upset, because she's a danger she has suicidal thougths, real ones, not just the chant of 'I want to be dead' actual tried to hang herself had a gun in her hand stepped in front of a car and all of them were stupidly ill planned and didn't work and most of the time she doesn't really want to die, I think e except I can't take it anymore, because I feel if I mess up too much and I let my emotions be my emotions then she'll kill herself and somehow it'll be my fault and worse she'll be dead and I know she's trying and I know she's trying but it all seems to be 'well I can't cope with that so I won't' and it never seems to get better and I'm so tired, I don't know what to do and people are counting on me and I'm trying and I'm holding it together except when I don't and I yell and I throw things and I'm afraid I'm a horrible person and I'm making everything worse and I'm a burden on my mother except I'm not, because I do so much, I just don't do the dishes. And I always have to be around my sister because she needs help and I need help and no one knows what to do to help me so they don't do anything and I can't blame them because I don't know what I need except to maybe maybe not have to try and be calm and helpfull and it doesn't WORK because now my mother is mad that I 'lecture' her all the time and I don't. I just don't want to do this anymore but all of the alternatives are worse. <s>sorry</s> <s> so I guess that makes it my fault because I don't leave</s> I'm doing all I can it just doesn't seem to be enough. and I can't lay this on my friends. not all of it. They listen a little but this is too much, it's too big. I just want someone to hear me.