Kay's mental health thread: for data, great justice, and remembering what happened yesterday

rarglefrargle i've eaten real breakfast, showered, done a load of laundry, worked out, and cleaned the cat litter today. it feels like a lot but my list is still long ¬_¬

/silly complaint

 

so last night i tried to do good sleep hygiene. stopped looking at screens ~1h before bedtime, did some cross-stitch and then a little reading with calming music before settling in with meditation. it was a 2mg melatonin night, so took that when i started the meditation.

end of meditation. not sleepy. grumble lightly, put on an album of music that usually gets me sleepy. i sleep through some of it, but just before it finishes i wake up. i'm really effing hot. so i get some water, open the window a smidge to rebalance my temp, put on the original calming music on loop, and get back in bed. (this is ~midnight.)

wake up, wide awake, at ten to four. no husband in bed. confused. has he gone to bed on the couch so as to try not to wake me? i get up and see (and close the window too): no, he's awake - he did indeed not want to wake me, but then he lost track of time. he comes to bed. i try to sleep without the music - no good, cycle thoughts start up again. music back on.

alarm goes off first at 7.30, i get up at 8. so ... sort of eight hours of sleep? i don't feel ridiculously tired, but i don't exactly feel well-rested. blah. i was trying for a little more sleep than usual bc i've been waking up tired, but that definitely didn't happen last night. try again ...

 

fuck you, universe. just fuck you. seriously? this is how you play the cards today? what is your problem? i don't fucking get it. if shit just happens at random, this is not fucking random anymore. two times in a row on this, right? more? it's more. if shit doesn't happen at random, then what the fuck is your problem. or Your problem for that matter. fucking spread it out better. give it to other people.

i just. fuck. fuck. this is bullshit. this is so much bullshit. if this is how the world is gonna be then fuck everything i just want to go back to bed. what's the fucking point? if i scream at the bullshit, at the goddamn weather, will it go away? aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

fuck this. fuck this.

 

cross-posting from annoying things thread to have a record here.

dammit. anyone have ideas on how to put sticky notes in your vision at all times until you deal with what's on the sticky note? I've gotten better at writing down the things I need to do, but still forgetting to pass on messages/information, stuff like that. I keep wanting, like, a literal sticky note in my vision. if I try to keep this information in my head and just remember to do it, I'll forget. okay, so write it down. but then I forget I've written it down until someone reminds me.

pair of augmented reality glasses and a sticky note app ... -_-

 

so. four to six weeks ago, you had these conversations, Kay.

you keep doing the same things over and over again, and expecting different results. you also seem to think that you are, in fact, not actually doing the same things over and over again. you actually think you're doing things differently. you think that you've taken in information, and that you're acting on it. and then it turns out that no, you've actually just done the same thing as before.

what the fuck.

 

lesson for the day: i'm a really shitty moirail right now. pale quadrant not my best suit by a long shot. i try to pap and i end up smacking; i try to shoosh and i end up triggering.

come to think of it, i'm terrible at all my quadrants. spades? i can't hate-motivate someone, i'd either feel like shit or go way too far and break them. and taking that from someone else? you'd be a blubbering mess in five seconds. clubs? seriously? trying to mediate between people? don't make me laugh. diamonds we've already talked about. and hearts? you're no great shakes at that, either. can't listen worth a damn, can't slow down long enough to realize when you've fucked up, and as evidenced by your abject failures at moirallegiance, you're not very good at caring about people, either.

you'd think that in life, you live and learn. you fuck up in your quadrants, you pick up from where you left off, and you get better. apparently, it doesn't really matter how much you want to get better at things, how much you think you're focusing on it and moving forward, sometimes you just don't. it doesn't seem to matter what angle you take: analyze it, figure out where you went wrong, or someone is able to tell you, so you can avoid doing that next time? nope. decide not to do the wrong/harmful thing anymore, and don't do it next time? nope. do something different next time? as said above, surprise! it's the same thing.

 

seriously? we had a plan. a good plan. and you have to just go along and tell her to, what, just divine what your problems are? how immature are you? that is not how this works. you have a problem with someone, fucking tell them. don't make their first night out of danger terrible just because you can't handle knowing that you messed up.

 

aaaaaaAAAAAAAAA

couples counseling. going to happen. needs to happen.

so tired of having the same arguments. so tired of feeling like i'm the only one trying. so tired of not feeling heard or respected. so tired of both of us being afraid of the other person. so tired of feeling like i'm being avoided and like i'm avoiding. so tired of all the inaccurate thinking on both sides, myself fucking included.

i love you. i want to fix this. please talk to me.

i know it's a long road. i know we've got shit-tons to work through before we get to moving forward. i know i'm not perfect by any means and i know i have my own shit to work on and i swear i'm working on it. i feel like i have no such reassurance from you and i'm tired of it.

i'm frustrated that my relationships are tangled. it's not fair that my moirail gets dragged into my marital problems - she's my moirail, not my auspistice, that's not fair to her. my husband needs a moirail. who isn't my moirail. because that's complicated and unhealthy for everyone involved.

aaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuuuuuugggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh

 

wow. seriously winning at life today. like. fuck.

 

i could really do with not shoving my foot squarely into my mouth as soon as I'm back up on my feet. that'd be great. everything seems so goddamn obvious in hindsight. why is so much of it never obvious beforehand? so many things i clearly should have known. i swear i'm not trying to be this stupid or this slow.

 

...why, when i pick up my phone to read a text, does it take me five minutes to write a response? what is going on? it never seems to me that i'm spending that much time thinking. maybe if it's a text with a lot of information, but still! i know i've put my phone down after thinking i sent a text, and then i didn't, but i feel like that's a different issue. i know i need to reply in a reasonable amount of time, especially in conversations. and then suddenly it's been 5-10 minutes? what the fuck.

 

man, i crashed back into old habits hard a couple weeks ago, and i didn't even realize it's been a couple weeks. for fuck's sake, Kay, get your shit together.

 

WHY. what the FUCK. i pick up the phone, i read the message, i start typing. i check a date. i keep typing. i hit send. WHY DID THIS TAKE SIX MINUTES.

 

and now you just ... don't send a message? but you sent all the other messages. way to make me look like an ass, phone.

 

lesson for the day: need more practice thinking about what my words are likely to sound like to other people before i say/send them. i'm working on it, but i need to work on it more.

reminder 1: the list of chores that you've set yourself actually needs to get done. you set them on specific days for a reason, you can't push them back.

reminder 2: stop assuming you've told people things. chances are high that you haven't. apply this to literally every aspect of your life.

next thing to revive: full on meal planning. yes, it's a commitment of another block of time and energy. but it WILL make many aspects of your life a lot easier.


no one is going to pat you on the back for doing the things you're supposed to do. if you want encouragement, it's up to you. no, you're not a terrible person for not having this all down already. you have a lot of work to do and it isn't anyone else's work. you can do this work and you are working on it. just keep going. it will make a difference.

 

been reading/working through a book on CBT on the bus lately. slowly, going back over exercises. it drives me nuts to read so slowly, but i need to actually do the exercises, not just skim the book. yesterday was reading about satisfaction with different areas of your life and then prioritizing them. so i slept on that and wrote it out on the bus this morning. next exercise is making smart goals in a couple of the areas you're unhappy with, and then identifying the unhealthy beliefs that are creating negative feelings/avoidant behaviours around them. how do you make specific, measurable, achievable, realistic, time-oriented goals about mental health and unhealthy cognitive practices? blah. i think i've settled on starting with writing down an instance of positive self-talk at least once a day for a month.

classes are still running for me because of the strike. i'm really tired of being in class.

 

world. could you just not. seriously. this week is ridiculous enough as it is, there's no need to add stuff like this to anyone's plate.

 

why. is this taking so long. i've worked at least a solid ten hours on just writing this and i've been hovering around 13 pages for four hours of that. why? i've been writing and adding quotes for the past two hours straight but it's only been. six hundred words? i don't understand what the mental block is. no it's not 'original research' but it wasn't ever going to be. yes someone wrote a book that's essentially two-thirds of what you're talking about, but you're adding a completely different angle. you are capable of writing. you really, really are. yes the points seem obvious to you but that's fine, write it down anyway. are you frustrated because this course is pointless, the prof spent all his classes on content for an exam he's now cancelled, and this paper is 60% of your grade? yes, you are. but surely you can write six more pages. that's only 1500 words. that's not that much. even if it's shit at least you'll have enough to meet the length requirement and then you can condense and edit. even getting a mediocre grade won't be the end of the world and you know that. depending on how he's grading, a B+ is anywhere from 75 to 85 and that's all you need to pass the course in good standing.

stop stressing about whether this paper is going to be any good and just finish writing the damn thing

 

*grumps about people being unobservant and insensitive and wrecking other people's days*

*grumps about unfairness*

*grumps about wanting to magically make things better for people*

*grumps some more*

 

I have been praying for discernment, understanding, wisdom and clarity of communication all evening. I have not prayed with this much fervour - or, honestly, this much faith - in a long time.