This reminds me that devious vacuum did a whole series on those shitty girl games on websites and stuff. The things like ELSA AT THE DENTIST and so on. It was beautiful. You are continuing this grand tradition of people playing these shit games and talking about them. God bless you.
If I had any way to do so I'd be doing this shit audibly, but transcription life blogging is just as good for now. Proud to continue the tradition, though, question: should I start linking to the games themselves to folks can poke at them themselves and laugh if so inclined?
Mind you I know nothing about Minions, so this was interesting. I've seen a lot of minion art and, amazingly, a lot of Minions MPreg (DeviantArt's front page is a hell of a place.) Spoiler: mutated tic tacs First comment though: holy shit, did she suck off a vaccum cleaner? I wasn't aware these tic tacs had lips. What happened. Okay. ... No guidance except a cheat sheet. I accidentally beat the game without meaning to, let's see if I can do it a different way and transcribe as I go this time. Drugs of indeterminate origin, seems to be Dr. Mario brand again. The quack. What are they for?? Fever I think, I'm dumb about conversion on the thermometer and she's sweating a lot. Like. A lot a lot. I keep wiping. It's still there. God help us all. IV, hook that shit up to her... chest? I don't see a port, am I seeing things or is that in the chest and not the arm, do tictacs not have good arm veins? so many questions.. No that is literally her tit they're plugged into. Let us strap on the scanner and stare a the mutant some more in there, holy shit, why do you exist. /why/. WHY ARE YOU FULLY DRESSED IN THERE?? WHY? Aaaaaand some oxygen. .... success?
For some reason there's an INCREDIBLE amount of mermaid pregnancy app games. Like, this particular weird combination. Your mermaids are dressing up or pregnant or both, no other options. it's really fetishistic
Flynn and Maximus Saving Rapunzel. [X] Okay, I think this is a racing game or something. Interesting graphics, and. ... country western theme. Fuck you, germanic origins, we've got TWANG on our side! SWING YOUR FUCKING PARTNER, YEE HAW AND ALL THAT SHIT. Flashbacks of my time in Colorado: haunting. Right. Let's start, shit. Spoiler: Ragdoll Horse Physics and Immortality Carrots OH GOD I FORGOT TO MUTE THE MUSIC BUT NOW THE HORSE IS MOVING AND I CAN'T TURN IT OFF. Hitting things doesn't make you crash so much as make the horse slide on its chest and look very upset, and Flynn looks like he's seen the afterlife and it's not pretty. Oh man. Alright so it's just a click and jump with the mouse, you collect roses and a bunch of other things. I don't know wtf the other things do but roses are good and all the stuff but the obstacles is unavoidable. Level 2. The jumping parameters have changed and the lack of music = lack of ALL THE SOUNDS. Fuck this is so cree- RAGDOLL PHYSICS ON THE HORSE, HOLY SHIT WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR JOINTS, ARE YOU PART SPAGHETTI? Right right, but. I actually just -died- on this level. Level 2 I died. Because level 1 I could click and avoid the things. This level, you have to click EARLY, and sometimes the clicks aren't registering at all. Second attempt - problem located. You have to click RIGHT NEAR THE HORSE now, specifically on the path. Still had a few accidents, I'm surprised, but I survived. I also paused between the next level to see what the little collectibles mean, and oh boy oh boy. Points - collect roses for Rapunzel! (rose) Power - ignore first obstacle! (carrot) Speed - magic boost of speed! (lightning ball) GPS - indicate in meters next obstacle (compass rose. ... A GPS?? IN. .. A GPS IN THIS WORLD. REALLY. -REALLY-?? use the GPS to find my fucks, they've escaped, how many KM to my fucks, when will they return from the war Flynn.) Mega Jump - jump higher! (sugar cubes. or acid. Drugs would be nice this game is so fucking broken.) Level 3. Out of the woods and onto the bridge and back to finding the sweet spot on where the horse will actually respond to jump commands. Almost fucking died. ALMOST DIED. AGAIN. ON LEVEL 3. THERE ARE A FEW MORE LEVELS OF THIS SHIT, FOR FUCKS SAKE. I love that the carrots make you phase through reality of the jumps, and occasionally you don't jump you just.. run higher in the sky and go AROUND the fence. Level 4. Into the lovely night level, all blue tones and gigantic moon. Found a sweet spot, no damage. dunno wtf all the things but the roses are there for, they change Nothing. Level 5. Was doing fine, but hit a carrot that.. prevented me from jumping so I -had- to use my invincibility. holy shit, crippling carrot GO. RAGDOLL PHYSICS OUT OF NOWHERE, MAYDAY, JUMPING IS USELESS. We've finished the last level though! Fucking SURVIVED this shit!! Rapunzel is in some kind of shorter number skirt with frilly lacy front, and Flynn didn't climb her hair or from inside the tower. He's standing in a tree right outside the tower. There is a random tree that grew right to the top of the tower, right to her balcony. The horse looks upset and alone down there, abandoned in the meadow. she is wearing SHOES and Pascal is nowhere to be found, 2/10, go fuck yourself, DOWN WITH SHOES UP WITH LIZARDS.
I think it also goes without saying: if you spot a Weird As Fuck game in this vein and want me to poke at it and scream, I will. Just has to be on a non-virus ridden site pls. I've got ABP and such, but a nice green WOT score would be great for my chrome.
Clicked the baby care section. This is where they're hiding the weird ass medical games. Fucking. Jackpot. Rapunzel Hair Doctor [X] My what jovial music you have for your lice. Spoiler: The entire purpose of the movie: gone. Okay. She has horrible amounts of lice. An- first fucking thing we do is cut her hair. You cut Rapunzel's long golden hair, and then apply shaving cream. And then use an electric shaver with liquid shaving cream. did I mention you CUT HER FUCKING MAGICAL HAIR. THE MAGIC HEALING HAIR? THAT IS THE BIG PLOT POINT OF THE MOVIE? THE OVERARCHING THEME?? HER -THING-?? oh my god, okay, okay, let's just. let's just see what else is going on. Time to remove her pets I guess. Pull off the nits. Ok. Cue-tip up the patches of green slime from... I guess the pests wild ass parties or something, it looks like. No idea, it was liquidy and gross tho. She's kinda cute bald from this angle? If you ignore the giant sores and her being really sad, she's got adorable freckles and a nice head shape, like. Grade A precious thing, shhhhh, the bugaboos are gone. Use magic liquid on the big sores.. Disinfect scratches from her itching? Ok. Apply bandaids. right. Big magnifying glass, and on to stage two which is... a more zoomed in version of her gross as fuck scalp, what the hell kind of live infection do you HAVE, what were you itching with, the hands of the damned??? We are plucking single cell orgnisms with tons of eyes off her zoomed in scalp. Help. Help me. We are now deflating things with a needle again, not just aspirating but fully draining with a hypodermic. Holy shit. Same happy music in the BG and shit too, but this is in a magnifying glass so I have to keep moving it around to use the tool. Wipe up more sores. Now we apply cream to EVERY SINGLE AGITATED FOLLICLE POINT. THERE ARE SO MANY, I HAVE TO KEEP MOVING THE MAGNIFYING GLASS, THE SHIT IS THIS. Okay this is another trend I see: potion endings. You get to retry as many times as it takes, but a magical potion tray arrives and you pick what you think will fix the problem. You have no way of knowing which one it is. I just gave her a rapunzel length mustache tendrils with accompanying chin tendril. She is still bald. Attempt 2: Bozo The Clown combover with her saying "I don't think juggling is my thing.." Lionel mustache+chops combo. Nope, not yet. Big handlebars stache that she says she could try to make work. Let's.. just.. THERE WE GO, DING DONG DING DONG GOT YOUR FUCKING MAGICAL ONCE IN A LIFETIME MIRACLE HAIR BACK, YOU'RE FUCKING WELCOME BITCH.
Weird combo. Snow White Help Rapunzel Foot Doctor. [X] ...... THE MUSIC IS THE THEME FROM PRINCESS MONONOKE AS A MUSIC BOX, I'M FUCKING SCREAMING. Spoiler: The fetish is strong in this one. I've seen this position so many times on DeviantArt and FurAffinity. Sole displayed forefront and everyone else chill. This person is literally a fet artist, I can tell by the detail there compared to the rest of the scene. It's all foot all the time. Ok, so. Bandaids. Don't take care of the huge sores, don't remove the thorns, just slap pink bandaids on the deep as fuck cuts. Yep. That makes sense. NO DISINFECTING OR ANYTHING, SNOW WHITE, YOU'D THINK YOU'D HAVE LEARNED SOMETHING USEFUL WHILE LIVING WITH A BUNCH OF FUCKERS WHO WORKED A MINE. You're a teen I know but dude, common sense. YOU DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT STITCHES OR DISINFECTANT BUT YOU SURE ARE HAPPY TO STAB A HYPO INTO HER FOOT REPEATEDLY, OK. Alright, I see how it is you little weirdo, I see through you. Some kind of magic pink liquid for the toes, I didn't even realize there was something wrong with them. I thought it was a pleasant rosy hue but apparently my foot knowledge is lacking and it was something actually awful and fungal and infectious. It's cured now, but, at what cost. Right, thorns out, no wounds left behind, an- XRAY TIIIIIME. Everyone got your lead vest? .. Anyone? Oh my god her foot is fucking destroyed, let's just MOVE THE BONES BACK INTO PLACE LIKE A PUZZLE, THIS IS OUT PATIENT AND YOU'RE WIDE AWAKE, NO WORRIES. Rub an ice pack all over her heel? No, all over the foot in general. Unbreaking eye contact from Snow White as she sensually rubs an ice pack on that foot. What are you planning, holy shit.. OH, WE'RE NOT DONE YET, THE TOP OF HER FOOT IS INFESTED WITH RABIES TOO. SHIT. Use a tissue to wipe off the snot and gunk. That was fast. OH, NOW WE USE ANTISEPTIC?? Pink antiseptic on a big ole cotton swab. OK. Alright. Now lemme just STAB YOUR SORES WITH A HAT PIN. FUCK. The other ones used a hypo and sucked out, YOU JUST STAB THIS SHIT AND THE INSIDES OOZE OUT, THIS IS SO GROSS (tiny me would have loved it and I'm laughing instead of being grossed out but fUCK THESE GIRL GAMES DON'T FUCK AROUND THIS IS NASTY) . Wipe that nasty pus up with cotton balls. Rub ice on those toes, apparently they're really overheated, there we go. ... STILL not done. Whip out the magnifying glass! We're hitting EXTREME FETISH, LET ME GET THE EXTREME EXCITEMENT VIEWER READY. You zoom in on every individual toe, trim the nail, use a... spray bottle of some kind of magic liquid to make BANDAIDS disappear, and then rub ice over more sores. Let's just get this done with.. STILL not done!! Wrap the ENTIRE foot loosely in a bandage. While Snow White stares at you. The foot is as big as her body now and she's just smiling, staring at you, and rubbing this huge foot. Time to take the bandage off, an hour passed! More rubbing. ... LITERAL FOOT MASSAGE OF GIGANTIC FOOT THAT YOU CONTROL NOW. AND WE ARE -STILL- NOT DONE!! TIME TO DECORATE THAT BITCH. Picked some fuschia nail polish, and gold decoration, and a fuschia/gold bow as a tribute to Condy because honestly I shoal need someone to smack some cod damn seanse back into me for playing this game. Still a good game surprisingly? But. -wow-.
Oh man I think I played one of these once, one of the Frozen 'some girl fell through the most splintery section of the woods and down Sharp Pebble Mountain like a cartoon character, patch her up' ones just to see what it was like.
Princess Anna Arm Surgery [X] Spoiler: AM DOCTOR, TRUST ME UNCONSCIOUS CHILD, TRUST ME WITH YOUR ARM MEATS What the shit is with this upbeat music, holy fuck, no. No music for you. Listening to a livestream instead, I cannot deal with your singsong happy bullshit, music. BRING ME THE BROKEN ARM. AM DOCTOR NOW. ARM. GIVE. FIND AN ARM AND GIVE IT TO ME. Little Anna playing in the snow! Little Anna apparently had a massive encounter with a Yeti and wound up crying triangles in the snow in the same position she was playing in before. She also aged several years in between scenes, it looks like. Ah, yes, let us see the hand. ...Doesn't look broken from that scan but y'know, I'm a Not-Doctor brand Doctor. Mario Bros University and all that jiz- OH. OKAY, THERE'S THE BREAK. Ok so.. one of the bones of the forearm is broken clean through and the entire hand/wrist looks like it's dislocated from where it's meant to be sitting. How the fuck did you manage this falling on your ass, kid?? ok. Cut the sleeve. Attach some kind of a band on a machine. She seems to be out cold already, thank god. Dab all that antiseptic on there, an- JUST LET ME SLICE YOUR ARM OPEN LIKE A RIPE BANANA. I DIDN'T DRAW THAT LINE FOR SHIT, BUT IT'S TIME TO PARTY. AM DOCTOR, TRUST ME UNCONSCIOUS CHILD, TRUST ME WITH YOUR ARM MEATS. Mop that blood up, ew, can't have that. Aaaand wedge that open.. Mhmm. SMASHED PINATA WRIST! WHERE'S MY FUCKING CANDY. Removed the tiny bits of bone fragments with pliers.. alright. Seems legit, now all that's left is big mangled chunks of bone. Attach a plate.. drill in with what i thought at first was a fucking glue gun. Align the screws, cinch them into place. Mmm'kay. Sew you up with three whip stitches. Oh, I think the arm band thing was like a pressure cuff? Maybe? Like a tourniquet without it being a tourniquet, I'm not a medic but I've been around enough medical things to bullshit answers. All surgeried out. She now looks like. under 5 again, and it's dressup game time! ... THE FUCKING SURGERY SITE IS RIGHT BEHIND HER. Apparently we woke her up, slapped her around a bit, aged her down, offered her three outfit pieces, some shoes, pierced her ears, gave her a necklace, and told her to not pay attention to the giant looming light setup and antiseptic smell. All dressed cute and totally not traumatized! Damn I'm a good fucking doctor, didn't even need a bandage after that surgery, I should run for president next.
Ariel Zombie Curse [X] Spoiler: bad seafood pun goes here The music is.. ...???? It's not terrible but what is this. This is def nothing to do with oceans or shit, this sounds like seedy deals with magicians. Oh, she was in Ursula's lair or something trying to figure out which potion would make her human. Just stealing shit at this point. Picked an icky one on her own and JESUS TAPDANCING CHRIST HOW DID THAT SHIT SPREAD TO THE OTHER SHIT, IS THIS GILL ROT OR SOMETHING? FLOUNDER'S ALL ZOMBIFIED TOO. THIS IS GRUESOME AS SHIT. Yank all the starfish off. Fish bones.. FISH HOOK?? srsly how did flounder get sick too, did you pour this sludge on him as well or? Cut off all the coral growth. I guess she was being an eco-friendly zombie. CORAL. ZOMBIE MERMAIDS, CORAL. (I don't even go here but nate does and i giggle at the meme.) Scrub off the sores, Flounder had those badly too.. Clean the eye gunk with a separate sponge, v important. Sew the skin back together. Area missing too much skin? All bones? LET'S WRAP IT IN SEAWEED. GOOOOOOOOD AS NEEEEEEEW. Tame her hair with the fork, nice touch. Aaaand potion selections. First try: turned them into eels, both concerned they'd have to serve Ursula now. Oh, it tracks which endings you've seen.. Will never know the other endings, second guess worked. Flounder is A-Ok despite never touching the potion. Is he ok. Really. How linked are they??
i was messing around on the ariel zombie curse game site and found another elsa pregnancy game, except this one gives no fucks and seems to very blatantly be a fetish thing (at least it looks that way to me). here's the title screen: the creepy out of place wide eyed anna look alike is what takes this from bad to "jfc why" for me
YEP. It's really strange, but at the same time it fascinates me. Like. These are marketed to children. But they sure as hell seem to be fishing for another audience.
....I just played this game and I'm. I love it. also, I enjoy the fact that one minute the big splintered chunks of bone are in four pieces, then suddenly in three pieces.
Since the link was already there, I had to give it a runthrough. 8D Elsa and the Newborn Baby [X] Spoiler: What. Is. That. As already said: dat pose. Elsa. Elsa why. Replace the infant with anything else and cut Anna lookalike out of the pic and she could be a pinup. HOW DID YOU GET YOUR FIGURE BACK SO FAST, ELSA, WHOSE BABY DID YOU STEAL. And wtf is with this music track, it's so out of place for me, like. this is drama series music or cheap porn. Pack all the stuff to go to the hospital while sensually posing on a stool in front of your creepy cut and paste dead eyed child. Why are you in a spankgly mini skirt at 9 months along. You're smuggling watermelons in club gear. WHO PUT ON YOUR STOCKINGS, THERE'S NO WAY IN HELL YOU GOT INTO THOSE ON YOUR OWN, GOOD LUCK REACHING YOUR TOES. You're in the "I need help getting off the toilet sometimes" stage, not centerfold stage, what's going on. Dialed 911 and away we go ..... to sensually posed on a bed with the same expression. At least you're covered up? Sexy stirrup birth Elsa is not something I needed. THE INFLATEY CHEEKS WHEN SHE BREATHES IS SO WEIRD, WHO THE FUCK TAUGHT HER TO BREATHE AND PUSH LIKE THIS, WTF.. Lots of drugs time! Aaaand oxygen, yes good, keep going now, please birth this gremlin. She has two sets of eyebrows when she breathes. How. Why. OH GOD IT'S HERE. PANIC. PANIC. IT HAS A FULL HEAD OF HAIR AND EYELINER, THIS THING IS A FEW MONTHS OLD, WHERE WAS IT HIDING. Clean the nosey out. CLIP THE UMBILICAL CORD.. I guess she was just hangin' loose and easy before this shit?? OKAY?? uhm. Right. Yes. Moving on. We clipped the cord off entirely, but in the wrong place. We tied it off two places, then cut BEHIND those two places and now she has an innie bellybutton. Miracles of science. Ah. Miracles of bandaids, that's better explanation, yes. Slather the baby in oil, rub it in. Alcohol swab, and all the drugs of unknown origins. SAME DOSE AS THE MOM BTW. I HOPE THIS IS MAGIC JUICE. Listen to its wrist for some reason. Arm spots, chest, tum.. I thought this was a swaddle but it's a baby weight thing. 3,50KG? idk conversion but them's some numbers. Kiss the baby! Chest kiss = face mark, kiss the wrist, then kiss the cheek mark and you unlock the tummy mark! Mommy's drunk! :D Wrap the gremlin up and return to your dead eyed sister to pose sensually on the chair, displaying you as you leak hearts and shitty music plays in the BG. We did it kids, we had a kid.
