Kintsugi Kitchen

Fried bananas.
I can't cook that much, but I can sure as hell fry bananas, and other things, and fried bananas are delicious.

Other recipes from the Person Who Cannot Cook To Save His Life.

Incredients:
Potato (1)
Literally. That is all you need. A potato. Maybe some salt?

Step 1) nuke the potato in the micro, or use left over potatoes from cooking them with a chicken in the oven.
Step 2) Cut the potatoes as if you were going to make hashbrowns
Step 3) Put the potatoes on a frying pan. Mash the potatoes.
Step 4) Fry the potato mush, or cut the potato mush into tiny pieces.
Step 5) When you've fried it as much as you want, put into plate or bowl, eat with fingers or fork, or spoon, whichever one works.

Congratulations, you have just made the least elegant potato pancake ever!
(AKA, what I make when I want eats but have no efforts left to give)

 

Khao tom is love. Khao tom is life. It is also very easy to make. Recipes vary a lot from what I've seen but the basic idea is that it is rice soup. So obviously you're going to need rice, first off. Set a pot of rice on the stove. General formula is one cup of rice per one cup of water. Get it boiling then turn down the heat, stick a lid on it, and let it simmer for 20 minutes. If you're using jasmine rice, which I often am, then change that to one and a half cups of water per one cup of rice and simmer for 15 minutes. You'll know that the rice is done when you start to see little circular openings.

Then there is the actual broth. The broths I make tend to be beef or chicken, usually using cans of broth or making it with stock. Because I am a lazy woman. However my absolute favorite is pork based broth. That is good stuff. Get your broth and get that boiling.

The broth needs to be spiced up though. The most important and, in my eyes, mandatory addition is fish sauce. In fact fish sauce is now your new best friend and you will either cook with it or add it afterwards as a condiment or use it to make other condiments. Do the same with your following items to spice things up. I tend to use a bit of sugar, more salt because I hate my heart, white pepper, and a bit of lime juice. Sadly I do not have amounts of that because I honestly just kind of. Throw things in and pray now. I also tend to add onions or chives to the broth as it cooks too. Once everything is definitely boiling turn down the heat and let it simmer for like...10 minutes? Maybe 20? Minutes.

Now you may want more than just rice and broth though. Khao tom is the breakfast of endless garnishes and condiments. Some really great things to put in are Thai styled meat balls, especially fish balls. Dehydrated fish goes good in it too. Raw green onion goes great. AND CILANTRO. Fresh cilantro goes amazing with it. Nam plah prik is another great thing to add, as are chili flakes or raw Thai peppers. Hot sauces too. Or maybe you want EVEN MORE FISH SAUCE because you are just that kind of person.

As for nam plah prik this is very easy to make. Get some fish sauce, Thai peppers, garlic, brown sugar, and lime juice. Chop your peppers and garlic. Mix these together with the other ingredients and get it in an airtight container. Let this sit for at least two weeks. You now have that glorious condiment that Thai restaurants provide. I sadly don't really know the exact...Amounts again. I will say that your stuff should be definitely tangy and sour though, so make sure that the fish sauce doesn't overpower the lime.

 

oh my god i love you so much for telling me that

 

Pasta for one (an approximate recipe)

Cook time: about 15 minutes

Ingredients:
Handful of angel hair pasta
Olive oil
Spinach
Tomatoes (I like to use 6-7 cherry tomatoes for this - regular tomatoes would probably work fine)
Heavy cream
Mozzarella cheese (shredded)
Pre-cooked microwave bacon*
Salt, pepper, and garlic powder

Start the water boiling for the pasta. Microwave 3-4 slices of bacon. Heat a bit of olive oil in a pan over medium heat. Throw a handful of spinach in the pan and cook until it wilts slightly. Cut the cherry tomatoes in half and add them to the pan. Pour in enough heavy cream to almost cover the bottom of the pan, reduce heat to medium-low.

Spoiler: Pasta progress 1

By this time the pasta water should be boiling - angel hair takes 3-5 minutes to cook. Salt and pepper your cream sauce and add garlic powder to taste. Tear up the cooked bacon into little shreds and add them to the sauce. Add a generous handful of mozzarella cheese and let it melt.

Spoiler: Pasta progress 2

When the pasta is done, drain it, dump it into the pan, and stir it up to coat it in the sauce. DEVOUR.

Spoiler: Finished product!

Creamy, cheesy, delicious, and easy to clean up!


*This would probably be tasty with actual bacon instead of the microwave stuff, but most days the prospect of handling raw meat is enough to put me off cooking.

 

I'm the master of the midnight stirfry, it's me. But I'll dump the pizza burger recipe in here when I have the spoons to type out something that long.

 

Because I like you guys, have my (not-so) 'secret' recipe for super decadent brownies lifted off a Colombian cookbook where that one page is completely spattered with chocolate:

In metric because fuck imperial measures:

90g dark chocolate, 70% is good, 80% is best.
90gr good quality milk chocolate.
160gr butter
3tbsp cocoa
3 eggs
1 1/4 cup sugar
2tsp vanilla essence
1/2tsp salt
1cup flour
1/2tsp baking soda
2/3cup white chocolate chips

-Oven at 180C (356F) Grease baking tin of 20cm x 20cm and line with greaseproof paper. Make sure paper sticks out from edges of baking tin.
-Using the au-bain-Marie method melt the dark chocolate, milk chocolate, and butter together in one pan. Mix the cocoa through it and leave to cool a little (but not solidify!).
- Mix eggs, sugar, vanilla, and salt together in a bowl. Add the chocolate mix.
-Sieve the flour and baking soda into the batter. Mix well. Finally stir in the white chocolate chips.
- 45 minutes in the oven, let cool for at least two hours or overnight. ETA:the brownies at this stage will still look really liquid, don't worry!! They solidify when they cool down. Cut into 16 portions.

Serving tip: serve at room temperature with vanilla or mango ice cream.

These brownies are incredibly soft and chewy. They are also REALLY rich and people generally take one or two before they announce that they're bursting. Enjoy!

 

I actually have a whole section of my blog dedicated to food. Behold: Kay's Smorgasbord.

go-to recipes in the J&K apartment: creamy ground beef (either mushroom soup or garlic white sauce) and potatoes/perogies; mac and cheese (sometimes cheeseburger pasta); pasta and beef sauce; fettucine alfredo; grilled sandwiches; sweet & sour pork w/rice; ham/cheese/potato mash (sometimes w/zucchini); farmer sausage and perogies; roast potatoes; pancakes

kay's major-spoons-only recipes: pulled pork, homemade pizza; chicken cacciatore; latkes

when J is not home: tuna turnovers

arsenal of baking: several dozen kinds of bread; cinnamon buns; spice cake; crumbcake; the best damn chocolate cake bar none; chocolate chip cookies, etc etc etc...

a recently-discovered meatball recipe: 50/50 ground beef and pork, a little bit of cumin and cinnamon. fantastic.

a trick for incredible tomato sauce: add a bit of nutmeg.

do you want to eat bread and not have it cost a million dollars: buy a breadmaker. it will pay for itself very, very quickly.

I came into possession of a bunch of cookbooks this weekend. (like ... at least two dozen.) once I have time and spoons, I will go through them and cherrypick recipes to add to my recipe tag. and come Christmas y'all should bug me for Christmas cookie recipes.


@WithAnH, that pasta looks incredible and I am adding the recipe to my binder. and @Fish butt, um. i want brownies now.


(if you want specific recipes just tag me and i'll copy-paste 'em. negative spoons rn.)

 

My personal hot chocolate preference these days is "brew mug of favorite warm tea; add half a packet of instant hot chocolate & one generous spoonful of brown sugar." Works like a dream with chai.

 

I Have A Lack Of Fucks To Give Pea Soup

1 pound split peas, dry
some sort of spice mix ("salt-free seasoning" with onion and/or garlic in it works best but you could also use italian seasoning, or even onion/garlic powder)
1 bay leaf
2 bouillon cubes
water
crockpot, 6-8 cups or bigger

Pour peas into crockpot. Put some water into the crockpot, slosh it around between the peas with your fingers, and pour it out to make sure there isn't any dirt in. Pour water into crockpot until it's approximately 2.5 times the height of the peas (assuming your crockpot has mostly straight sides). Add a few shakes of the spice mix and the bay leaf.

Cook on high for 2 hours or until you remember to turn it down.

Add bouillon cubes. Mix well. Serve.

If you do have a couple of fucks to give you can chop in vegetables - onions, celery, and carrots are classic.

Edit: Some other suggestions: tear off bits of ham into the soup to add protein (if you cook it with the peas it'll soften), you can splash in some olive oil or cut in about a tablespoon of butter, occasionally I use a packet or two of Sazon.

Actually, Sazon deserves its own kitchen-cheat bullet point: it's a Mexican seasoning mix that adds depth of flavor to stuff like soups and roasts. You can get it in premeasured packets or shakers.

 

(VE asked me to add on cuz she can't get her internet to cooperate. Also cuz I mentioned it to her. haha.)

If you have the money or a little bit of extra spoons, just cut up a cheap ham steak into it! Leave it in the crock pot with the peas, makes it nice and tender and adds a little more flavor to it!

She also says another tip is add some butter or olive oil.
also "sometimes I use a packet of Goya Sazon. it's seasoning with more depth of flavor. you could use that instead of spice mix, but I use it in addition"

I will add a recipe here soon I am thinking on it. :3

 

Ahahaha time for you to all suffer through the list of Weird Shit SS Likes To Eat!

Things you should totally add chilli to for fun and profit: eggs, mashed potato, tuna. Add chilli powder. Add chilli oil. Add dried chilli flakes. Add all three at once.
If you like eggy bread then definitely definitely try adding chilli powder into the egg mixture, it makes the egg have such a flavour.

You're eating mashed potato with beef? That is a thing you might do occasionally. Add mustard and horseradish to the mashed potato.
Add mustard to tuna. Do not add horseradish to tuna, that tastes weird. Add garlic to mashed potato and fry into terrifying potato lumps which you then eat with your fingers because you no longer care about anything.

Chop vegetables (I like red pepper and mushrooms and onions the most bestest). Put them in cupcake cases. If you have silicone cupcake cases those are the best ones.
Add garlic, add vegetable oxo, add whatever other the fuck herbs you find in the cupboard because you are the kitchen king and nobody can tell you want to do.
Crack an egg into each of the cupcake cases. If you wanna be fancy about it I guess you could mix the egg up in a cup then pour it in but I like the seperate white and yolk.
If anyone asks you what the fuck you're doing tell them it's baby quiche. Speaking of quiche, add cheese if you like cheese but I am not super fond of cheese and grating it is too much effort anyway. If someone tries to tell you wtf dude no it's not quiche there's no pastry just glare at them until they go away and stop judging you. Who the fuck are they to have opinions about you and your nudeist quiche. Wear a saucepan like a crown because only you are the boss of you. I'm totally not irrationally bitter about this or anything. Stop questioning my stupid kitchen decisions.
Bake the tiny naked cupcake quiche at like 170ºC for idk twelve minutes. Just fuckin' ballpark it, I have spent many years baking things at random temperatures for random amounts of time and have successfully failed to kill myself with food poisoning.
Eat your beautiful food disasters sitting on the floor. You can use a fork if you want I guess but I mean the whole point of doing it with cake cases was so you could just straight-up shove that shit in your face, why would you bother with cutlery.

And because everyone seems to be doing hot chocolate recipes: Use the biggest mug in your cupboard because you are the boss. 3-4 tsp cheap chocolate powder, 1-2 tsp the good-quality expensive chocolate powder, 1-2 tsp instant coffee, 1-2 tsp brown sugar if you have it or white if you don't, 1-2 tsp honey, vanilla extract, cinnamon. Vary the exact amounts depending on whim and what specific taste you feel like. 2/3 full of hot water (add a tiny bit first, mix to a smooth paste, add the rest, if you forget to do this you will end up with weird lumps and regret your choices), the rest full of cream/milk/whatever.

 

It´s winter and you´re awake at oh-fuck-o´clock and feel like shit on a stick?
Make half a huge mug of coffee. Make Butterbeer Latte, with enough milk to fill up the mug. Mix Butterbeer Latte with coffee. Add sugar if needed. Drink.

 

oh I thought of another staple.

cook some rice.

while rice is cooking, sauté the meat of your choice with spices of your choice. (often we do ground beef and chili/cumin/oregano.) add chopped onion and carrot. when meat is cooked, add a can of diced tomatoes (don't drain the can). add a can of beans if you like (white, black, kidney - rinse them first!). add any other veggies you like (peas, chopped peppers, etc).

mix the cooked rice in and let it reduce a bit. eat w/cheese, avocado, sour cream, etc. you can even toss it in a casserole dish and bake it with cheese overtop if you like.

 

If you own a steamer, or at least one of those flat-ish steamer basket platforms, and you have some fresh fish, you can steam it. Mix two spoonfuls of chili sauce with a spoonful of soy sauce (if you're like me and hate anything spicy, use ketchup and soy sauce instead). Put the fish on greaseproof paper, smear it with the mixture, wrap it up, and steam for 20-25 minutes. It gets soft and fluffy and delicious, and the prep isn't too high effort once you get the muscle memory for it.

 

my addition to the hot chocolate recipes is to add a little cayenne to it to give it a little kick