Many things [depression and jobs and family and just fuck it]

Discussion in 'Brainbent' started by Raire, Jun 18, 2015.

  1. Raire

    Raire Turquoise Helicoid

    • Witnessed x 2
  2. Raire

    Raire Turquoise Helicoid

    HAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHN
     
  3. Raire

    Raire Turquoise Helicoid

    But we just did some cybering where he dommed me and mhmmm
    =u=
    Legs are pleasantly shaky and I feel like I could lie down here for hours just going "yes, that was good". No climax, but then, I've only climaxed once with the help of a toy, so I don't mind, I had fun and enjoyed it.
    Also, he had me spank myself on camera and that was new and interesting. Apparently I left a handprint on my buttcheek and I am pleased by this.
    Mhm =u=
     
    Last edited: Sep 3, 2018
  4. Raire

    Raire Turquoise Helicoid

    So I was having trouble making myself apply to a grant because I am so sure I am underqualified/don't deserve it/insert impostor syndrome feelings and thoughts of your choice (I might legitimately be underqualified though), when a friend asked me "What Would a Mediocre White Man Do" and just, I laughed and it was so much easier to work on the application.
     
  5. Raire

    Raire Turquoise Helicoid

    Hmm.

    I'm trying to gather my thoughts and figure out what I want to say.

    So I'm currently in a poly relationship. Datemate, who I've been dating long-distance for two years though we haven't gotten to visit each other, friend of mine for several, several years. I love them. They're reasonable and thoughtful and kind and just... they're really good.
    And Boyfriend, who I haven't been dating for a year yet (our anniversary is in July), also long-distance, who's sweet and kind and understanding and is also really good.
    But things are... tense, in the polycule.

    It started because Datemate isn't a big fan of Boyfriend. I think I'll go to even say that they dislike Boyfriend. Frankly I was probably making bad decisions when I decided to date Boyfriend as well, even though Datemate said it was fine.
    They've talked since than and Boyfriend has apologized to Datemate for the things he did that bothered them. It was a bit nervewracking to watch but they were both adults and talked through their impressions and thoughts maturely.

    I've mentioned that Datemate and I haven't seen each other in person yet. We've tried to organize a place to see each other, but we both live with our parents and aren't comfortable with adding that dimension yet. Though I've certainly though of desperately just asking them to visit me here because my parents are kinder and more understanding than theirs (even when datemate thinks that they're abusive about food but that's a different topic altogether). Each time something promising comes up it falls through. I'm... ok with this. I mean, I'm not happy with it, I really want to see them, I love them. But I don't really see what I can do to change it right now, because neither of us have a lot of money or high paying jobs.
    Well, four months ago, I think, Boyfriend suggested I visit and I went "oh ok". And I agreed even though I knew it was a bit early to start thinking about it. We haven't actually had the trip btw. Just, talked about it.

    And Datemate is uncomfortable because they feel I'm not taking such a commitment seriously enough. Also I didn't communicate well with Datemate how the relationship with boyfriend was going so when I mentioned a trip it came straight from left field when they thought I was in the middle of just normal flirting/a lighter relationship, which unbalanced the polycule because I wasn't.... communicating.

    There's more but suddenly I'm tired, but just. I'm thinking of saying no to the trip now.
     
  6. Raire

    Raire Turquoise Helicoid

    My allergies are flaring up and I am covered in hives and I am fucking miserable, fml, fuck this shit
     
    • Witnessed x 1
  7. Raire

    Raire Turquoise Helicoid

    The hives have fused I am a canvas for hives fuck my allergy
     
  8. Raire

    Raire Turquoise Helicoid

    So I’ve been in the emergency clinic for two hours now, waiting for medicine to keep reducing my hives
     
    • Witnessed x 1
  9. Raire

    Raire Turquoise Helicoid

    Subcutaneous injections hurt
     
    • Witnessed x 1
  10. Raire

    Raire Turquoise Helicoid

    I’m being sent home with meds and a diet. Gotta be careful and if it gets bad again immediately head back to hospitalization. Here is hoping this is enough
     
    • Witnessed x 1
  11. Raire

    Raire Turquoise Helicoid

    The hives are lower than they were, so that's a good sign. I'm hoping to be rid of them by tomorrow, continuing this medication course.
     
  12. Raire

    Raire Turquoise Helicoid

    I'm having such a hard time focusing on studying more for the GRE exam now that I've taken it once. I'm just. It's like I've given up, and I know I shouldn't, and I'm trying really hard to keep going but I keep just... not. Lying down in bed. Looking at other things. Even doing other small things on my to do list rather than study. And I need to study quant well so I can get a better result than 150 but WHY IS THIS SO HARD.

    And having a hard time with this is making me more upset about it, which in turn makes it harder to concentrate on doing this because my brain goes "avoid things that upset you" and keeps pointing at shiny things to try and make me feel better.

    I'm trying to figure out how to like... cut through this avoidance, but I'm having a hard time figuring out. I was doing so well a month ago! Sitting down and studying firmly! It's like the arrival of my brother and then his leaving and then return visit have made me feel worse about myself in comparison to him and making me feel like it's just not worth it? I don't know. I'm so frustrated!
     
  13. Raire

    Raire Turquoise Helicoid

    My datemate and I had a discussion, and they've concluded they're ace and really not interested in the sex party of the relationship. So we're doing a more non-sexual relationship. And I shouldn't be this upset about it, but I am, even though I know I'll get used to it and be fine in a bit. And anyways, I just need places to go "AAAH DON'T WANNA" about this so I can get over it.
     
    • Witnessed x 1
  14. Raire

    Raire Turquoise Helicoid

    I'm going to miss those moments and intimacy. I thought they were enjoying them as much as I was, but it turns out they were enjoying them despite sex, and while I'm happy they love me enough that they could enjoy it, I'm still upset that... it wasn't the same thing for them. Idk. Brains are weird.
     
    • Witnessed x 1
  15. Raire

    Raire Turquoise Helicoid

    Waking up is an ordeal that takes me over three hours
     
    • Witnessed x 3
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