Many things [depression and jobs and family and just fuck it]

Whine all you want! You're in a bind. You need a place to unload some of that pressure.

 

I am just???? You feel ill which means doing something sporty like biking is physically unpleasant. That''s not something to get angry at?
That's kind of like getting angry at someone with a headache for avoiding bright lights, it might be kind of unconvenient but it's perfectly logical avoidant behavior? Have a sympathy pat/hug/whatever you want? Feeling ill constantly sucks balls.

 

I think he thought that I was making it up to avoid biking.
At least today after waking up and while I was doing my zombie-mode routine of grabbing breakfast and organizing my stuff for the day, mom looked at me concerned and said that I had been rather down recently. I nodded because, yeah. She didn't have time for more, but it does remind me to try the destressing exercises I keep putting off for no real reason.
That, and dad hugged me as usual, but then the thing that hurts is that my parents are generally supportive and caring, and the bursts of dfsdafsaf are really disorienting and leave me hanging down.
That said, I am very sure this is a double dip in my dysthimia, what with the physical symptoms (I keep getting a cough that then goes away for a few days, I feel ill after eating/at random times, my tiredness), and the emotional ones (self loathing, executive dysfunction, etc). Maybe I'll just write a thing to mom and dad saying I've been tracking my symptoms and it looks like I'm in a dip and... dunno, ask them to help me, but the thing there is so much to do they don't have the time...

 

Yes. Do ask for help if it is occurring to you to do so. You deserve to be helped. It almost sounds like you're being expected to mask your symptoms so that others will feel more gratified, but that won't work. If you need help, you need help.

 

Ok frustrated venting time again.

More on bike arguing! Last Week I only went to classes biking two times because my knee hurts and it seems dumb to stress my knee. I don't know if I've mentioned this before but I have the inner thigh muscles of my right leg too weak and the outer thigh muscles too weak as a left over of fracturing my tibia and spending three months on crutches three years ago. I've been doing physical therapy and getting my knee stronger, and one of the things the doctor recommended was biking instead of walking, since walking can impact my joint too much and biking strengthens those inner muscles.

Dad asked me on Friday if I had biked that day and when I said no he got frustrated and wondered if maybe he shouldn't just sell the bike if I'm going to be making excuses and avoiding doing anything. Mans I argued that no! Don't sell it! I'm using it and getting better and I can't help it if my knee hurts and I have to get better! He says I'm just avoiding things and that he'll sell the bike.

Weekend passes and there is no bike use because we're doing touristy stuff with my grandma and my uncle and then I go to my friends barbecue. Yesterday, we went to some old pre Inca ruins and obviously walked around to see the sites and information, mom walking slowly with my grandma, and me walking a bit faster with my uncle because he is an anthropologist and he wanted to see everything in the archeological site. One of the pyramids was built by the Inca and is at the top of a big hill so I walked up the incline and all around the pyramid.

One of the things I'm supposed to be careful about is going up and down inclines and stairs and not walk too much. Obviously I started feeling this in my knee aching at the pyramid so instead of going around with my uncle and mom a second down I waited for them to do their walk and then helped my grandma walk down the big hill because she's an old lady dug. So now my knee hurts today and I decided it would be dumb to put too much effort on my knee by taking the one hour bike to classes and the second hour back. Dad asks me while I'm eating lunch if I'm biking to classes again and I replied that no because my knee hurts and he got frustrated like Friday again, declaring that he'll just sell the bike (it's his money so he has that right) since I'm just wasting time and money by looking for any excuse to not bike. I argue that wtf my knee hurts from yesterday of course I shouldn't and he shouldn't sell it because I am biking and I'm getting better, but he told me that he's tired of my denial and my avoidance and that I'll have to walk to my class. He says that I didn't stop myself from walking yesterday and that is proof that I only think of not doing things when it comes to biking not for things I like like walking around the ruins shows that I don't think for my knee unless I want to avoid biking. I was getting upset and my voice was getting loud and he wS staying calm and so at least he isn't in anger mode just disappointed and exasperated father who wants to do right by his daughter mode, and so I have been informed that I need to face myself and the truth about my denial and avoidance.

At least he agreed that I am indeed doing better. It just. Somehow I'm supposed to do it faster and better than I am right now.

 

Ok got back from classes and then dad came up and we were going to have a rational conversation about stuff but I can't, I really fucking can't, the more he insists that I need to do things and can't just wait for things and excuse myself and avoid things the angrier and more hurt I get and the harder it becomes to talk calmly and rationally because EACH. GODDAMn TIME. ITS LIKE PRETENDING I WILL MAGICALLY DO THINGS. YOU THINK I DON'T WANT TO DO A THING? I SURE LIKE TAKING FOREVER TO ANSWER AN EMAIL AND AFFECTING MY CHANCES OF GETTING A JOB. IT IS HARD. I LISTEN TO YOU, YOU LISTEN TO ME, BUT WE ARE DEFINITELY GETTING DIFFERENT THNIGS. OH YOU ARE ACCUSING ME OF NOT LISTENING TO YOU ABOUT YOUR BOUT WITH DEPRESSION AND HOW YOU GOT OUT OF IT? I HAVE LISTENED TO IT AND ALL THAT HAPPENED WAS LET ME KNOW THAT I AM SHIT FOR LETTING SOMETHING SO SMALL AFFECT ME BECAUSE YOU OVERCAME POSSIBLE CANCER WHILE LIVING ALONE AND WORKING STUDYING FULL TIME IN A FOREIGN COUNTRY WHEREAS I, WHO HAD A GREAT SUPPORT SYSTEM, JUST BROKE TO PIECES BECAUSE I GOT STRESSED AND AM STILL NOT BETTER. IT MIGHT NOT BE WHAT YOU WANT TO SAY, I KNOW YOU AREN'T SAYING THAT, BUT YOU ARE SAYING "YOU NEED TO DO THINGS, I DID THIS THING, SO YOU CAN DO IT AND I DONT UNDERSTAND WHY YOU ARENT DOING IT" AND I HAVE LITERALLY BEEN TELLING YOU THAT I CANT, THAT I DO AND I TRY AND I DO MY BEST AND NO, IT IS ALL "IT ISNT ENOUGH" YES I GET IT IAM A FAILURE I AM SORRY.

I give up I will hide in a corner forever and become the sad hobo who became useless and dies in her bed because she didnt get up to pee or poop or shower or eat or anything.

I don't know. I TRY. AND I CAN'T I HAVE REASONS I DON'T DO THINGS AND SOMETIMES I WANT TO DO A THING AND I DON'T DO IT. SOMETIMES I DON'T EVEN MANAGE TO DO THINGS I WANT TO DO. I STILL CANT BRUSH MY TEETH DAILY, I STILL HAVENT FIXED THAT BACK UP. I AM TIRED OF BEING TOLD I AM TOO SLOW I KNOW IT IS TOO SLOW BUT IT IS STILL BETTER CANT THAT COUNT FOR SOMETHING CANT THAT MEAN THAT MY PROGRESS ISNT SHITTY.

He literally said "You aren't disabled" and I stood up and shouted "THAT IS WHAT DEPRESSION IS, DEPRESSION LITERALLY IS A DISABILITY, I AM LITERALLY DISABLED WITH A FUCKING MENTAL ILLNESS". Oh no, Ruth said I'm not depressed, just stressed, but Ruth happens to give me mineral rocks to clear my chakras, I think that maybe the fucking therapist who diagnosed me might have a BETTER IDEA however awesome I think Ruth is. She gave me useful tools, she didn't FIX THINGS. I am nopt FIXED. I CANT DO IT.

@seebs can I, can I please email you with my dad in CC to ask you to answer his questions or just. I don't know, maybe you can talk with him about what he thinks my issues are about avoidance and denial and whether I really have depression? I don't know what to do anymore.

 

Thank you Seebs, I'll write the email today.

 

(((Raire))) I wish I had more than an internet hug to offer.

 

Thank you Ink. Things are going very well, except for when we run into this wall of... just being unable to understand each other? I don't know. I'm getting less and less able to not burst out into tears/loud voices anytime he tries to confront me about this stuff :/ Well mom too, but she seems to have a better grip of how to approach me, horrible first post aside.

 

Ok so like, I ended up doing the "putting things off" thing in regards to the email but I'm writing here that I will do it today so that I do it, if that makes sense.

 

Makes sense to me.

Sometimes I will simply place an item out on a counter top or desk to vouchsafe my intention to do something.

 

Ok I FINALLY sent the email. Today's dad complaining that I make up excuses to avoid doing things gave me the boost I needed.

For the record, the excuse is "my knee hurts" for why I won't bike to class today. It was aching after biking there and back again. Frankly he thinks I am making upstuff constantly and is now bugging my mom for letting me get away with my excuses :/

[Edit: Seebs, btw, please don't mention my tumblr to my dad. He knows my usual username of Raire, but not Rairii and so he doesn't know my tumblr though he knows I use it. My parents are good about respecting my privacy and don't ask me what I'm doing where, or with whom, but I would rather not give them an in on my tumblr.]

 

"Google tried to deliver your message, but it was rejected by the server for the recipient domain seebs.net bymail.plethora.net. [2002:b8ad:fa4a::2].

The error that the other server returned was:
550 5.7.1 BADTO There's never been any such user."

Weird... I tried again just in case, seems to have sent fine this time.

 

Hey Raire I can't say much beyond offering hugs so... *HUGS*

 

Thank you @Mendacity, that is really nice.

I want to say, for the record, that I love my parents, they love me, and they are generally really good parents. They have supported me and my interests a lot. A lot of what they do is the result of them feeling at the end of their tether and feeling that if they don't do something I will do worse, mom particularly. Dad has his outbreaks, but I have seen him improve in my lifetime, and I strongly suspect a lot of it has to do with his own baggage regarding his family (all of the brothers are very prone to lashing out in anger and having short temper and all sorts of small neuroses). I am sad that I am giving everyone a flawed, negative impression of my parents, but it makes sense when I wrote this thread entirely for the problems I have with them.

Second, yesterday night I went to talk with my dad about emailing with Seebs. He seems interested, if very wary. He asked me about Seebs, why I thought he is someone he should approach, and what experience and authority Seebs had. Needless to say, this part of the conversation was a bit awkward, but we were both doing our best to listen to each other and let the other finish their points.

Dad's concerns with me are that:
1) I am not facing my problems and in denial by hiding in distractions, and not pushing myself to do things and coming up with excuses all the time for why I should not do them.
2) My habits and excuses further enable this denial and block me from improving, by say, not getting up early and getting the circadian cycle I need to be energetic, similarly spending so much time on the computer is hijacking my energy via confusing light stimulation, that I don't seek things to do out side of the house means I get more stuck because I stay inside unhealthily instead of getting more air, etc.
3) My mindset is too negative and I think too much on myself and pity myself too much, creating a mental block that makes it harder to do the things I need to do.

My dad also has concerns that I am too subsumed by... certain mentalities. Basically, he thinks that the majority of the USA and its inhabitants make big deals out of things and pathologize the smallest stumbling block, creating an unhealthy society at all extents. So he thinks that the clinical treatment of a lot of mental illnesses is the result of too much pathologization of bad habits, so to speak, instead of people moving past those habits thanks to real life demands. We almost had a fight because since, according to him, America doesn't really have poverty (granted, it doesn't, not compared to a lot of the places we've lived in and the people dad has worked with in sustainable development, in the sense that it doesn't have such a huge sector of population to such absolutely below subsistence levels) and that because Americans get more... coddled so to speak, with that cultural tendency to make big deals out of nothing (illnesses, suing for ridiculous reasons, etc), they don't, um, pull themselves together and keep going like other people do in other countries. I think this is wrong because I feel that people do completely fall apart here due to the same issues, but because of even fewer resources you get more suicides or just people literally starving to death thanks to their situation compounding their issues. He doesn't trust USA Doctors, and he doesn't trust Seebs for probably being a part of this viewset.

That said, I think he and mom are definitely considering trying to find someone to kind of... not mediate, really, but to give us a reality check, here in this city. I said that it has to be a professional. So we might be doing that. My parents are concerned about my last therapist here (they said that looking at his record they think he might be more of a... a quack? than a really good therapist) so we probably won't be going to him.

In the meantime, @seebs I was thinking of just, sharing your full name with dad and linking to several stuff about you in real life to assuage him. I don't know if that means if he will actually talk or not, but at least he is considering it.

I am tired. I just want someone to give us both perspective. I want someone to be as close to objective as possible. So maybe we will be shopping for psychologists that can help us talk to each other, I don't know. Maybe to figure out if I am just in denial, because if I am in denial about stuff I do need to face things. I know I certainly have a BIG problem with procrastination.

 

... And now I am sad and kind of just. I want to know who is wrong for what and why.