Many things [depression and jobs and family and just fuck it]

Discussion in 'Brainbent' started by Raire, Jun 18, 2015.

  1. Raire

    Raire Turquoise Helicoid

    Ugh, got into a dumb argument with dad again. I think I overreacted because I screamed in the car. I did apologize for that though.

    Ok, so I hadn't gotten dressed or showered or anything, as today (and tomorrow) is a national holiday, so I thought we were all going to laze about at home, especially mom since she's been working so hard. I was all set and ready to do a long session of yoga because I am enjoy it and feel better afterwards, and I'm trying to do yoga at least three times a week, and I thought I might as well go for my second time of the week since it is already Thursday. But mom had to go to the Book Fair and work, so we had to leave at 2pm. Dad wanted me to go to keep him company on taking her over to the fair, and then drive back. I wasn't too enthused as I wanted to do any number of other things, but I agreed.

    In the middle of the drive, I learned that apparently we were supposed to go visit my great-aunt Marcela, who is my dad's aunt, at the convent, and no one had told me. I told dad that I would appreciate if I were told about these things the day before, because now I wasn't going to have enough time to do yoga and shower dress and eat a late lunch. This is a complaint I've had before, and have asked them to tell me as soon as possible because I like knowing when I have to do something, like interacting with lovely nuns in the convent in visits I do enjoy but that sometimes get a bit... pesadas. He said sure. After looking at the time and realizing it was at least an hour later then he had thought it was, he generously said I could stay instead of visiting Marcela, so I could do Yoga. I thanked him, told him I was really enjoying doing yoga nad I really want to do this right and get more knots out of my system, get more relaxed and serene for the week, and then told me that really, why didn't I do yoga in the mornings or the evenings, that was when it worked best instead of cutting the day short. I told him that the goal right now is just getting into the habit of doing yoga at all, much less at scheduled times, because once I had the habit I could build it up. I have talked about this with my parents before, as the pacing is the advice of my psychologist and the life-coach friend of my parents who is helping me with learning how to manage my time and tasks. My original goal had been "just, do it every day. Yoga every day. Full blown". But of course that was my perfectionist tendencies popping up, so we brought it down to three times so it is more manageable. Dad, who my psychologist thinks is the source of my perfectionism and how I learned to imitate him on strict standards, went on to tell me that no, doing it on a schedule made it easier to make a habit. I said no, it doesn't, because I don't have the internal need to do yoga yet, the drive, so a schedule wouldn't work for me, instead of using the moments when I have the initiative to go "I am going to do yoga!". He roughly went "Um, it totally does make it easier," and here my memory goes fuzzy because I am terrible at remembering things from when I get angry.

    We had a bit of back and forth on this, basically, and I was getting annoyed, until I think I shouted at him to shut up, and to stop criticizing me and that I know nothing was EVER good enough for him. I remember that a piece of dialogue... "don't just do it whenever you want" or something as being part of what I felt a criticism? I just, I got so annoyed, and then angry, because I am tired of every single thing I do not being enough.

    He regularly gets on my case for not doing something, or doing it in a non-productive or efficient way, like, I don't know, how I choose to clean things in a place and how his way is better and I go "yes but I didn't because of y reason" and my reasons are never enough, we always get stuck on that, somehow my reasons aren't enough to not do things the way he is telling me, and if I forget to do something like wash a plate, or turn a light off, its just, its a gamble as to whether it is gamble time or not. And this is something we've talked about! It makes everything a big deal instead of "you forgot to turn the light off" "Oh you're right! Sorry *turns it off*" and then everybody goes on to do their business because we are humans and fallible and make mistakes and forget things! Especially me because I am distracted all the time and he knows this, I have a hard time keeping track of this stuff, it just doesn't occur to me, it doesn't pop up the way it does to him where he looks at something and immediately he notices something that is imperfect instead of me not noticing because stuff looks fine enough. And if I forget to turn a light off, it becomes this whole thing about how I obviously don't care about the environment and am a hypocrite for what I say since I can't even turn a light off, and it is wasting energy and we have bills to pay, we can't keep paying ,and just shut up shut up shut up! He goes on and on! We told him that we can't stand that he goes on and on! But he then immediately responds "well, you made me have to go on and on because it doesn't work to say it one time". I CAN'T DO IT ALL THE TIME. I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO DO THINGS UP TO YOUR STANDARD OF HOW HOME LIFE SHOULD BE. GET OFF MY FUCKING CASE AND DEAL WITH THE FACT THAT I FORGET AND IT IS PART AND PARCE OF ME. GOD. If I ever tell him I can't do something he then gets on my case and goes all "the mind beatts everyhthing! If you do things long enough, I believe you can even change what genes are expressing in your body" and shit like that and I am so tired of him pushing and pushing and pushing.

    Ok, that was a bit of a rant. So, I told him or shouted for him to shut up and to stop criticizing me, and he told me he wasn't criticizing me! He is only giving me advice! But sure, he gets it! He will never open his mouth again! As soon as he gets a job he'll move and leave me and mom! And that just, he hasn't done the overdramatic "I WILL LEAVE BECAUSE YOU -DON'T- CARE TO HAVE ME HERE" so I told him to stop fucking exaggerating, and he said he wasn't, since he obviously couldn't say a thing without me jumping on him, so that me and mom could be happy doing nothing or something (I don't remember?) and I told him that it was funny because mom could give me criticisms but it didn't become a thing, because she knows how to give them! And he was all "No, your mom spoils you, she lets you ruin yourself, you should be heeding the way I do things", and it makes me so angry! I hate getting his criticisms and he gets all surprised that "it isn't a criticism just advice" but noo it isn't, it is him telling me what I am doing is not enough, it is not enoug htaht I am working my way up, no, obviously he has to tell me that I need to jump to do it on a timed schedule so I am fixed, but NO I CAN'T THAT IS WHY I AM DOING IT THIS WAY WHY CAN'T HE JUST ACCEPT THAT I HAVE TO BUILD UP TO THINGS AND HE ALWAYS SAYS HE ISN'T BUT HE IS HE IS HE IS. I've even shared some of his comments and the situations that brought them up and that he goes isn't a criticism to my psychologist, and she was all "yes, it is easy to read a criticism there, even if it isn't meant".

    My psychologist and I are working so that I don't react to criticism like that, since the goal is for me to change myself, not to change others to fit me, which is hwy I am working on my internal critical voice who tells me I am a failure and not enough (I AM NOT A FAILURE and I have done well for myself, fuck you voice this is not the moment you sneak in again). But I just hate it. I react. And lately I've been reacting more, instead of tamping down on things and internalizing, I've been getting more angry and annoyed, releasing things, and dad has lately been going "Yes, your problem is that you internalize and bottle up all those feelings, instead of letting them go" - obviously unlike him who rants easily and says things and when I tell him to calm down he's' like "I am calm" "no you aren't, and its making me really stressed" "well don't be stressed I'm not angry at you" exccept someimes it takes so little for that anger to sometimes get redirected to me or my mom or something. Anyways, he wants me to let these things out, externalize them, maybe scream really loudly somewhere, when he was a teen he used to hike up all the way to x place back in La Paz and scream where no one could hear him. Right. Very helpful right now.

    Ok trying to pick up the thread again. After the whole "your mom spoils you and doesn't tell you off ever", at some point I screamed really loudly for him to shut up since he wasn't helping. And I think at some point before I had apologized for shouting at him and for overreacting, since I am sure I overreacted to teh criticism which was mild, it wasn't worth my reaction, I know this, but he was all "too late for that, I'm leaving" at that point. After I screamed he told me to stop screaming at him... no wait that was before? I think this was when he kept going over my words and interrupting and I screamed at him to shut the fuck up and stop interrupting me, that he always did that and we didn't interrupt him so shut up, and I don't remember the end??? I remember that I seriously was about to get out of the car at that red light, it would only have been like, fifteen minutes walking back home.

    And now it has been a while and he never even went to see Aunt Marcela, so she's all eager and impatient to see her family and excited, and he hasn't even called to say he isn't going anymore. I asked him when I was downstairs a few minutes ago, and he was all "leave me alone!" when I told him he shouldn't do that to our aunt, so whatever. He can deal with that.

    I have been too angry to do yoga so instead I have angrily eaten and angrily walked the dogs and less angrily watched a few of the steven universe episodes I hadn't seen yet. I've still got a few to see. Maybe I will go do that now.
  2. Raire

    Raire Turquoise Helicoid

    Also I've spent a WHOLE MONTH trying to think of what to draw for someone and I still. Can't. Figure It Out. God. I just want ot make someone a nice thing and NOO I CAN'T. Because... brain why? Sit down, make a new photoshop file, stare, browse through their interests for ideas, blank, stare, close. Repeat each week.

    I feel like I've been so busy lately. I just have been doing a lot of things and had a lot of energy and doing more tasks and getting better! I'm doing better and both my parents have said they are so happy that I am happy, that my face shines with more inner light, that something noticeably has changed and that I'm doing well and getting on my way! But obviously it really isn't enough, nope, it isn't, never, fucking hell.
  3. Raire

    Raire Turquoise Helicoid

  4. Raire

    Raire Turquoise Helicoid

    No self why are you reading the ITA, you are not in the right state of mind to help anyone and you're just going to depress yourself. Close it. Close that fucking tab. CLOSE IT I SAID.

    Fuck it, I need to relax and my neck muscles hurt from how tense I am I hate getting angry I hate it.
  5. Emma

    Emma Your resident resident

    Your argument with your dad reminds me so much of arguments I have had with my dad in the past. I also tend to interpret stuff like the 'if you do it on a schedule it's easier'-advice as criticism, when my dad doesn't intentionally mean it as criticism. Over time it's gotten easier for me to let it roll of my back, but it took me around two years of therapy, and even more time after that to get to this point.

    I hope it gets better for you, good luck! :)
  6. Raire

    Raire Turquoise Helicoid

    Another stupid argument another stupid escalation of no fucking sense and another fucking way of ruining things no, not ruining, just a setback, I will NOT catastrophize, I will keep a level head and assess the events and vent my emotions and figure out how to move forwards and improve from that. I will not be ruled by my emotions. I will feel them, accept them, and think, and from there I will gauge my reactions.

    Point One: my father and I are still full of unresolved conflicts and pain.
    Point Two: I am still losing my shit easily in general.
    Point Three: I overreact like woah to my dad, and conflict affects me strongly.
    Point Four: My instinct and desire when I am out of the immediate conflict and have sequestered myself away to avoid more conflict is to distract myself with anything pleasurable or nice. Anything to stop feeling ugly emotions. Right now that means I want to go hide in my bed and read more of my fun scifi/fantasy book, not to look over events or get myself in control and continue doing what I need to do today, even if it is piecemeal. I am currently fighting the desire to call the yoga instructor and cancel on her so she doesn't come today. I should do yoga. I will probably be in a fine enough state when she comes to do so. If I am not by a certain time I could probably call her. But it is already 2 and she comes at 5.

    A timeline of events.
    • The past two weeks, things went from hostile and ignoring each other, to cool and reserved, to wary, to friendly, as we both cooled down. Mostly as dad cooled down, as my anger had passed by then.
    • Today, this morning, I was hungry. I took some twenty minutes and three checks/verbal prods from dad to actually get up and out of bed, which is little for lately.
    • I grabbed two big bread slices for breakfast this morning, which is a repeating issue where each time dad sees me do that, he tells me that no, I should not, I cannot, it is too much and bad for me and I need to learn to say no to myself and to control myself, and he took a slice away as I stonefaced because I did not want to be affected and he is technically right. I then ate my wholegrain loaf with butter and jam. He saw that. When he wasn't in the kitchen but elsewhere, I loaded up the last bite with a LOT of butter and jam because I have... the tendency to do that when I get angry, frustrated, upset, or stressed and I tend to try and eat to feel better and also I felt spiteful.
    • The lecture had the added pressure where he told me that he had observed that in the last few months he has seen that our bread consumption as a family has gone up by a whole loaf of bread, and that he hasn't changed his bread habits, and neither has mom, so he knows it is me, and that we can't afford to start eating four loafs of bread a week since he is still out of a job (and has been for nearly two years, and neither do I bring in income to the family). He also tried to be understanding and go "Sometimes we eat because we are bored and don't have anything else we feel like we want to do because eating feels nice", and didn't seem to believe me when I went "I don't eat because of boredom." I don't. I eat because of stress.
    • I lost more self-control, or some tell me (Wait who? But I have it in my head and is whispering right now) that I chose to eat more in excess despite knowing it is not good for me. Food is tasty and nice and it makes me feel better if I am feeling upset. So I had two extra cups of yogurt with fruit with my breakfast/ate after breakfast into a late mid morning lunch. And to make things worse, I added a shitton of sugar into each mug. I've had, ugh, I hate this, I hate it and it makes me hate myself, I don't want to admit it, I've had problems with eating pure sugar when I am feeling like shit, like two spoonfuls, sometimes more, a day, or pouring a lot of it into my yoghurt. I'd been controlling and had stopped it, because I don't really add sugar to stuff when I'm ok, normally I don't even like it most of the time, much less pure, but it's a thing. None of my parents know it is a thing. I tell no one it is a thing because I hate it and feel so ashamed and horrible and guilty and dirty and a failure. I've only told my therapist, twice, and I've given her the impression that I have it under control. It's not anymore. (Reminder to self: the fact that I have indeed gained control before means I can do it again. It doesn't mean I am doomed to never having control. I can do it again, and I know it, so it is not the end of the world or the end of Raire as healthy eater despite eating in excess. I had my blood tested recently for other reasons, and my glucose was perfectly normal, so I am currently not in danger of developing diabetes, and can continue improving to avoid this).
    • He asked me to wash the dirty dishes and the like in the kitchen this morning, and to chop two bell peppers and an onion or two so he could cook fajitas for lunch, before getting on to do my other chores.
    • He has things to do in preparation for an important job interview for tomorrow
    • I did wash things, prepared the stuff, no problem, left the two knives I used to cut that stuff in the sink instead of washing them even though I knew I should.
    • I've been procrastinating things today to make calls and work on things. Because that is me. And my work. I've been doing that procrastination by reading a fantasy book instead of the book I should read for tomorrow about habit formation and stuff to help me as recommended by life coach who is friends of family.
    • About an hour and a half ago, or maybe two, close to midday, I ate a big slice of queso fresco. Thankfully, queso fresco is light and not very fattening or anything, but it still was a lot. Lunch is usually closer to 2pm so it isn't that I was particularly hungry. I was a bit hungry and stressed and annoyed and let myself stop fighting about not eating more and ate it.
    • Dad went to cook lunch, and saw that the cheese has been, heh, attacked, by me. He came to confront me about eating and to give me a more concerned, exasperated and worried lecture about it. I know this lecture very well.
    • As I grew more desperate and exasperated, and losing my temper (less into anger and more into upset), we ended up having an argument.
    I am too tired to continue right now. It is hard enough to force myself to write this down right now, much less try to proof it so it makes sense. I'll post later with the actual argument. I have to do it soon because I lose the thread and order of the argument within hours of having it. My memories get muddled. I'm going to cry, read a bit, and then write it.
  7. Raire

    Raire Turquoise Helicoid

    I am doing well, it is just right now/today that I am not doing well

    Fors tarters aAAAAh
    Talked about jobs gaain with therapist today, jobsearch makes me enter "PANIC FROZEN" mode and my mind BLANKS OUT and I had to be walked through so many things and now I went after and bought a big bag of crisps and a coca cola and ate it all and now I feel sick and gross and fat and also like I am abig failure and this despite all my therapist's attempts to help defuse the fear reaction I have to this and os now I feel guilty for ailing more and GROSS GROSS GROSS

    And I havent walked the dogs and I should but I want to hide and cry and I cant both my parents are sick they are physically sick so I need to walk the dogs but NO NO NO NO I DO NOT WANT TO FACE PEOPLE AND HOLD MYSELF TOGETHER.
  8. Raire

    Raire Turquoise Helicoid

    Someone please say nice things about me so I can fight the wave of neagtivitiy, negativity, and just, can I ie down and not feel horrible.

    I think I'm calming down. Shouting into the void helps, sometimes.

    I should do the mindfulness exercises. Or the "restructure the way I talk about my thoguhts and feelings" thing that provides space and augh.

    I kind of wanna puke but ugh no, ugh no everything.
  9. Lambda

    Lambda everything happens so much

    let me know if this is unwanted, but generally you are very kind and thoughtful from your posts and a lot of what I see from you, is you trying to help people, and clearly you aren't a failure because you're trying to fix your brain with therapist + mind exercises + posting on kintsugi

    witnessed :( since that last bit was a half hour ago hopefully you're feeling a little calmer now?
    • Like x 2
  10. Raire

    Raire Turquoise Helicoid

    Thank you a lot. I am a lot calmer. I've stuffed myself with comfort food (why is ramen so good when I'm stressed?!) and cried at my parents. I'm currently in that stage after crying where one feels kind of empty. Seeing positive things about myself helps deter the brainweasel thoughts trying to make my faults bigger than they are.
  11. valenstyne

    valenstyne Went out for cigarettes, never came back

    *hugs if wanted* You are a cool person, you are not a failure, and I hope you feel better soon.
  12. Raire

    Raire Turquoise Helicoid

    Thank you for the hugs @valenstyne , a bit belatedly.

    Currently slowly working my way through a "mindfulness and acceptance" workbook. Also getting a bit... more proactive, maybe, in job search stuff? It's hard to tell with how negatively I feel about the whole job getting thing. I don't really understand how this got to become such a huge fair that I will not get a job/I will maybe fluke out into a job and then fail and confirm I am useless.

    I'm thinking more and more on grad school. Mom reasonably pointed out that I have no idea what I want to specialize in, so how would I choose a grad school program in the first place. But perhaps grad school would be the best place for me to rebuild confidence, living on my own, doing academic stuff which I've always been good at, interacting with people in roughly my wavelength... but I feel that I would run into the same problem I had in college and get overwhelmed at the end, and Grad school can be longer than four years when you're doing science stuff.

    Maybe a masters would be good. I just know I don't want to study in Spanish, because I won't feel as confident as studying in English. But then, money for a masters and stuff...

    I think I'll go back to the inventory exercise for this workbook. It's asking me to look at coping mechanisms I have, but sometimes I feel like I am writing only negative things about my coping mechanisms.
    • Like x 1
  13. Raire

    Raire Turquoise Helicoid

    In other news, I've been super restless lately and feeling trapped. My parents assure me it is a good thing and that I am caring about job stuff and that is a good symptom even if it is painful, but I don't know if I ever really stopped caring about job stuff and just didn't think about it as often.
  14. Raire

    Raire Turquoise Helicoid

    OK I really have a huge problem in feeling or thinking that I can do anything job wise. Everything immediately comes up in my brain as "you will Fail therefore why bother". Therapist told me to focus on "but nothing is changing so why stay the same, at least I will have tried"

    Still having a shitty time managing the internal panic of "if I try I will show I am a failure and one more opportunity will be closed because I am Terrible".
  15. Raire

    Raire Turquoise Helicoid

    Aaah ok so, I am beginning to think I really should start posting here often again, I have too much shit going round and round in my brain and breaking the bad thought circles with venting should be good.

    Currently: In Bolivia, with the fam. I went on a trip to a different place with mom, where a family friend introduced me to the owner of an ecolodge that might need help from someone bilingual and shit so I can probably hav ea job.

    My concerns: Not my field, this is tourism, not ecological research. I think I will fail and make a mess of things and give a bad name to everybody who got involved on my behalf (my mom, my uncle, my uncle's friend who introduced me to the owner in the first place) and be a disappointment. I am intimidated by travelling away from living with my parents to do a job like this. I am nervous about living with the family friend, not because he makes me uncomfortable, but because I will be in somebody Else's space and not in mine, and will therefore always be living wary and trying to not Intrude. I am afraid of trying something different. I am worried about how I would have less internet. I am concerned about the cost of moving me to this tropical town when my family isn't doing well financially wise, and how I would cover the cost of phone + internet + food while living without paying rent in said family friend's place. I feel like I don't have much to talk about with anyone anymore because my life has become my depression and shit nobody in meatspace cares about. I am afraid and uncomfortable. I will feel horrible and intimidated with so many new people around.

    Counter arguments: This is not my field but could provide connections to my actual field, especially because the ecolodge is well known and respected already as a sustainable local supportive endeavour. Being in the town itself means more opportunity to get known by the people who would potentially hire me in my field, which would make for easier being hired than a cold application. I have done things in the area that this potential job would require me and I know I can translate and do writing and stuff, so the possibility of messing up is small. Living away from my dad and a bit more independently would probably be good for me. The family friend is wonderful and kind and smart and is offering to help me and we already got along even if most of the conversation was my mom. He's even knowledgeable about nonbinary and lgbtqa stuff, in a non judgemental way, and we agree a lot on general life views of how people should be treated and the necessity of the environment. The man lives and works on his own ecolodge and is an intelligent man with a lot of experinece in conservation areas and their management. If I don't try something different I won't improve. Internet is not such an important factor, objectively, compared to me getting job exprience and doing shit and I am very dependent on it. The cost itself will be covered and my parents want to help me and don't mind the cost so long as it gets me on my feet and it is likely dad will get some income for the family soon. The experience of living independently and managing my finances (do I need to open a bank account in Bolivia now...) will probably be good for me and maybe help build up my confidence. Mom believes in me and so do the people around me, and nobody seems ot think I am a social reject who can't talk to anyone despite how little I have been talking and they believe in me doing well in this. I am not necessarily there to make friends or anything and any I would make would be a bonus. People are friendly. I've done the friendly new comer thing often enough before.

    I'm tired and worried and also sad about leaving tomorrow to go back to Peru to my parent's place. I love my family even if I didnt feel like I could talk much with them this time.
  16. Raire

    Raire Turquoise Helicoid

    I am not taking leaving the family well - I might not have had deep conversations or done much, but I am going to miss them and am already missing them. I just want to lie in cuddle pies of family hugging with the cousins :<
  17. Raire

    Raire Turquoise Helicoid

    So since I have arrived here, I am definitely in some sort of emotional limbo. I am not interested in a lot, feel empty, but also fear doing anything. I keep not wanting to do this tourism job biz, in part because I definitely do not believe it will bring me closer to an opportunity within my field. I am also beginning to think I am just wasting my time trying to get job experience and should just go straight for a pHD. This means studying for the GRE, right? In the meantime I could get a job of some sort where I live with my parents and still have comforts. Maybe the International Potato Center, where my English would be a huge asset. I keep seeing opportunities of sorts, only short contracts, but perhaps a six month contract would stabilize me and help me feel productive. It certainly currently sounds more appealing than leaving for three months or whatever to work in tourism. At least the IPC would give me some valuable lab experience, probably.

    I don't know. Maybe this should be my back up. I should start studying for the GRE anyways, so I can start doing that. I can try this tourism shindig for the three months or what not, see if a new opportunity pops up within my field in that area of the world, and if it doesn't, apply to IPC and hopefully get one of the opportunities I can see on their website, and start earning money. If I earn enough, perhaps pay to go to one of those internships in the amazon where you have to cover the costs of your visit so basically you pay to go work in sweaty humid conditions in the field, and then start applying to pHD programs with that experience under my belt and perhaps a better idea of what type of program I want to do.

    I can start looking at pHD programs already, I have a list of stuff I found ages ago that I put together as interesting, and slowly add to it as I find more interesting places that work in the Amazon. There is one program that I recall really caught my attention as it involved the Andes Amazon and the impact of dams in such a key biodiverse area. I can talk this over with my parents and see if they think this is a valid plan, I value their input. And perhaps having a bigger backup for this thing I'm so unenthusiastic for will make me feel more like I have my shit together.
  18. Raire

    Raire Turquoise Helicoid

    It doesn't help that dad is obviously depressed on his own deal right now, and that mom is back straight into being overworked. At least the possibility of employment has dad moving around and doing things.
  19. Raire

    Raire Turquoise Helicoid

    Maybe I should start on using Habitica again, I was doing quite well before I suddenly stopped altogether. Maybe review what I have in place and simplify my tasks, I dunno
  20. Raire

    Raire Turquoise Helicoid

    I hate that the response my parents have to me trying to share my stress and fears is "don't overthink it". Because I can't not overthink it. And I want to talk these things out, I feel better for having been heard for a lot of complicated confused emotions. At least I think I do.

    I've become very uncertain about things.

    Also, people keep saying that the trip home to Bolivia did me really good, but I can't tell why? I don't... noticeably feel better? I noticeably feel different. But I can't tell you what type of different it is. I just know that I feel different and notice things weirdly and feel weirdly apart?
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