Ugh, got into a dumb argument with dad again. I think I overreacted because I screamed in the car. I did apologize for that though. Ok, so I hadn't gotten dressed or showered or anything, as today (and tomorrow) is a national holiday, so I thought we were all going to laze about at home, especially mom since she's been working so hard. I was all set and ready to do a long session of yoga because I am enjoy it and feel better afterwards, and I'm trying to do yoga at least three times a week, and I thought I might as well go for my second time of the week since it is already Thursday. But mom had to go to the Book Fair and work, so we had to leave at 2pm. Dad wanted me to go to keep him company on taking her over to the fair, and then drive back. I wasn't too enthused as I wanted to do any number of other things, but I agreed. In the middle of the drive, I learned that apparently we were supposed to go visit my great-aunt Marcela, who is my dad's aunt, at the convent, and no one had told me. I told dad that I would appreciate if I were told about these things the day before, because now I wasn't going to have enough time to do yoga and shower dress and eat a late lunch. This is a complaint I've had before, and have asked them to tell me as soon as possible because I like knowing when I have to do something, like interacting with lovely nuns in the convent in visits I do enjoy but that sometimes get a bit... pesadas. He said sure. After looking at the time and realizing it was at least an hour later then he had thought it was, he generously said I could stay instead of visiting Marcela, so I could do Yoga. I thanked him, told him I was really enjoying doing yoga nad I really want to do this right and get more knots out of my system, get more relaxed and serene for the week, and then told me that really, why didn't I do yoga in the mornings or the evenings, that was when it worked best instead of cutting the day short. I told him that the goal right now is just getting into the habit of doing yoga at all, much less at scheduled times, because once I had the habit I could build it up. I have talked about this with my parents before, as the pacing is the advice of my psychologist and the life-coach friend of my parents who is helping me with learning how to manage my time and tasks. My original goal had been "just, do it every day. Yoga every day. Full blown". But of course that was my perfectionist tendencies popping up, so we brought it down to three times so it is more manageable. Dad, who my psychologist thinks is the source of my perfectionism and how I learned to imitate him on strict standards, went on to tell me that no, doing it on a schedule made it easier to make a habit. I said no, it doesn't, because I don't have the internal need to do yoga yet, the drive, so a schedule wouldn't work for me, instead of using the moments when I have the initiative to go "I am going to do yoga!". He roughly went "Um, it totally does make it easier," and here my memory goes fuzzy because I am terrible at remembering things from when I get angry. We had a bit of back and forth on this, basically, and I was getting annoyed, until I think I shouted at him to shut up, and to stop criticizing me and that I know nothing was EVER good enough for him. I remember that a piece of dialogue... "don't just do it whenever you want" or something as being part of what I felt a criticism? I just, I got so annoyed, and then angry, because I am tired of every single thing I do not being enough. He regularly gets on my case for not doing something, or doing it in a non-productive or efficient way, like, I don't know, how I choose to clean things in a place and how his way is better and I go "yes but I didn't because of y reason" and my reasons are never enough, we always get stuck on that, somehow my reasons aren't enough to not do things the way he is telling me, and if I forget to do something like wash a plate, or turn a light off, its just, its a gamble as to whether it is gamble time or not. And this is something we've talked about! It makes everything a big deal instead of "you forgot to turn the light off" "Oh you're right! Sorry *turns it off*" and then everybody goes on to do their business because we are humans and fallible and make mistakes and forget things! Especially me because I am distracted all the time and he knows this, I have a hard time keeping track of this stuff, it just doesn't occur to me, it doesn't pop up the way it does to him where he looks at something and immediately he notices something that is imperfect instead of me not noticing because stuff looks fine enough. And if I forget to turn a light off, it becomes this whole thing about how I obviously don't care about the environment and am a hypocrite for what I say since I can't even turn a light off, and it is wasting energy and we have bills to pay, we can't keep paying ,and just shut up shut up shut up! He goes on and on! We told him that we can't stand that he goes on and on! But he then immediately responds "well, you made me have to go on and on because it doesn't work to say it one time". I CAN'T DO IT ALL THE TIME. I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO DO THINGS UP TO YOUR STANDARD OF HOW HOME LIFE SHOULD BE. GET OFF MY FUCKING CASE AND DEAL WITH THE FACT THAT I FORGET AND IT IS PART AND PARCE OF ME. GOD. If I ever tell him I can't do something he then gets on my case and goes all "the mind beatts everyhthing! If you do things long enough, I believe you can even change what genes are expressing in your body" and shit like that and I am so tired of him pushing and pushing and pushing. Ok, that was a bit of a rant. So, I told him or shouted for him to shut up and to stop criticizing me, and he told me he wasn't criticizing me! He is only giving me advice! But sure, he gets it! He will never open his mouth again! As soon as he gets a job he'll move and leave me and mom! And that just, he hasn't done the overdramatic "I WILL LEAVE BECAUSE YOU -DON'T- CARE TO HAVE ME HERE" so I told him to stop fucking exaggerating, and he said he wasn't, since he obviously couldn't say a thing without me jumping on him, so that me and mom could be happy doing nothing or something (I don't remember?) and I told him that it was funny because mom could give me criticisms but it didn't become a thing, because she knows how to give them! And he was all "No, your mom spoils you, she lets you ruin yourself, you should be heeding the way I do things", and it makes me so angry! I hate getting his criticisms and he gets all surprised that "it isn't a criticism just advice" but noo it isn't, it is him telling me what I am doing is not enough, it is not enoug htaht I am working my way up, no, obviously he has to tell me that I need to jump to do it on a timed schedule so I am fixed, but NO I CAN'T THAT IS WHY I AM DOING IT THIS WAY WHY CAN'T HE JUST ACCEPT THAT I HAVE TO BUILD UP TO THINGS AND HE ALWAYS SAYS HE ISN'T BUT HE IS HE IS HE IS. I've even shared some of his comments and the situations that brought them up and that he goes isn't a criticism to my psychologist, and she was all "yes, it is easy to read a criticism there, even if it isn't meant". My psychologist and I are working so that I don't react to criticism like that, since the goal is for me to change myself, not to change others to fit me, which is hwy I am working on my internal critical voice who tells me I am a failure and not enough (I AM NOT A FAILURE and I have done well for myself, fuck you voice this is not the moment you sneak in again). But I just hate it. I react. And lately I've been reacting more, instead of tamping down on things and internalizing, I've been getting more angry and annoyed, releasing things, and dad has lately been going "Yes, your problem is that you internalize and bottle up all those feelings, instead of letting them go" - obviously unlike him who rants easily and says things and when I tell him to calm down he's' like "I am calm" "no you aren't, and its making me really stressed" "well don't be stressed I'm not angry at you" exccept someimes it takes so little for that anger to sometimes get redirected to me or my mom or something. Anyways, he wants me to let these things out, externalize them, maybe scream really loudly somewhere, when he was a teen he used to hike up all the way to x place back in La Paz and scream where no one could hear him. Right. Very helpful right now. Ok trying to pick up the thread again. After the whole "your mom spoils you and doesn't tell you off ever", at some point I screamed really loudly for him to shut up since he wasn't helping. And I think at some point before I had apologized for shouting at him and for overreacting, since I am sure I overreacted to teh criticism which was mild, it wasn't worth my reaction, I know this, but he was all "too late for that, I'm leaving" at that point. After I screamed he told me to stop screaming at him... no wait that was before? I think this was when he kept going over my words and interrupting and I screamed at him to shut the fuck up and stop interrupting me, that he always did that and we didn't interrupt him so shut up, and I don't remember the end??? I remember that I seriously was about to get out of the car at that red light, it would only have been like, fifteen minutes walking back home. And now it has been a while and he never even went to see Aunt Marcela, so she's all eager and impatient to see her family and excited, and he hasn't even called to say he isn't going anymore. I asked him when I was downstairs a few minutes ago, and he was all "leave me alone!" when I told him he shouldn't do that to our aunt, so whatever. He can deal with that. I have been too angry to do yoga so instead I have angrily eaten and angrily walked the dogs and less angrily watched a few of the steven universe episodes I hadn't seen yet. I've still got a few to see. Maybe I will go do that now.