Many things [depression and jobs and family and just fuck it]

Ok so that's whats basically bruising my mind but the talk went well and ended on a positive note so that is good and I gotta remember that I might not have done Great but I did Fine.

 

Still stucki n the gloom of "why would anyone want to hire me I wil lbe stuck where I am forever"

 

Ok I'm a bit calmer now. It's just bad luck and a tough job market and competition. I do decent work. I can't make myself say I do good work, but I can at least wrangle decent out of myself. I'm nice to people, mostly, and I have a boyfriend who loves me and I love and that has to count for something.

 

Whhhyyyy am I still working on this cover letter, just send it in already self, you were sick and missed the deadline but might as well get it done.

 

Ok sent and done, time to work on the next cover letter, no time to panic or curl up and cry about the futility of it all.

 

Crossposting from tumblr

 

I am on my period and it is actually very light, barely any pain at all, but I still want to curl up in a ball and hide under sheets.

I don't want to work on this cover letter. I don't even know what to write. How can I convince people to hire me? I know networking is important but I don't have a way to network with these people! All my networking available is mostly limited to the wrong sphere of conservation. I'm so sick of this search. I'm so sick of feeling like Im being railroaded into the social side of things I'm not good at this why can't I go back to where I was happy and interested and comfortable.

Dad might be getting a job soon though, so hopefully that will work out. It would really help the family if he does, god please, dad's a good man, he's caring and kind and annoying at times but he deserves the job he deserves all the good jobs.

He's proven he's good at shit.

 

I'm doing a bit better. I'm starting to make a grad school application plan, mostly focusing on the GREs, and my whole family was very positive about me doing that, so it feels like... something that might actually work? Instead of being the unending toil of trying to get a job with no real positive feedback to go "aja I am making progress I can totes do this".

Drinking some ginger plum tea. It's not my favourite but I sweeten it a bit and its fine.

 

Also I've been super into flight rising lately. It's funny to see how my interest in it wanes and rises.

 

I am having difficulty with my desire to just go to sleep at all hours of the day though. Be strong self, be strong.

 

I found two books for GRE studying that I bought a couple of years ago! Excellent!

Now I'm just trying to decide what to do about job apps. I have a three month stint of volunteering starting February that I am nearly fully committed to, so should I stop applying to places for that time period? It feels like I should. And that frees up time for GRE studying. After all, it isn't like I'll get an interview for these places.

Also it would be rude of me to turn down the really helpful volunteering place? It would possibly be closing down on a networking contact I think? Hmm. I will have to talk to my parents about this tonight. In the meantime I'll read the first bits of this book.

And maybe nap a bit god why am I so sleepy.

 

I think I'll just take this book to bed and read a bit and then fall asleep and god my eyes are heavy I slept a full nine hours why am I so sleepy

 

I have an interview. I am panicking a bit about it and having anxiety about whatifs, even panicking on whatifs of where it goes well (why am I afraid of success?), but after a bit where I was able to redirect my thoughts and talking to the boyfriend I'm calmer.

I'll just... do my best and that is all anyone can ask for.

 

Emails sent, I have done my best to be an adult, now I... get to be more of an adult and start studying more for the GREs.

But I did a thing and so I feel a bit successful.

 

*SCREAM*
I FORGOT MY INTERVIEW WAS TODAY
I MISSED IT
I ALREADY EMAILED AN APOLOGY AND A REQUEST FOR A RESCHEDULE BASED ON A FAMILY EMERGENCY THAT WAS BULLSHIT BUT
*SCREAAAAAAM*
Fucking hell me.

 

At this point I want to laugh and cry and instead I'm going to distract myself and go to the event I go to with my parents instead.

 

GNNNNNNNNNNN

 

Ok so. I got an email back and no rescheduling, I'm out of the running.

Oh well. I'll just. Sit here for a bit and maybe have a cry or something.

Just.

Ok. I deserved that when I forgot the interview.

 

And I don't wanna breathe a WORD about this to my parents because... because I don't want to let them down more. I mentioned the interview happening to them but maybe they forgot. And I'll just pretend it happened and that I didn't feel it went well if they ask me.

I've already let myself down, why make it worse.

 

God fucking dammit