Many things [depression and jobs and family and just fuck it]

I really want to just, curl up and scream and scream, but I want to hide this from my parents so explaining why I'm doing so badly wouldn't go well.

I just don't want them to know how shitty I am.

 

Successfully lied about having an interview and that it just didn't go well due to not knowing how to answer questions.

Can I just put this back now and try to never remember fucking up so I can avoid tormenting myself

Thank you

 

It's been a while since I posted here.

Sometimes I think I'm doing better

Sometimes I remember how much time I've spent recovering from bullshit depression and want to erase myself from existance.

 

But I've been doing ok! Even though I'm wasting time on thei nternet instead of working like I set myself to do for a few hours.

Guh.

 

Sometimes I worry that looking for attention through posts like these is just, me training myself to feel bad so I can feel good about attention. Like my brain will learn that posting feeling bad = attention = feeling good therefore feel bad to feel somewhat good.

 

So I'm doing better, almost normal in fact. It's just hard to make myself do any work when I want to go hide in bed for hours

 

*takes deep breath*
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH
*hyperventilates*

 

*lower, less frantic breath*
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

 

I've been managing so far. I'm in a stressful new job thing away from home and I think... I'm managing to not mess up. Not to do a stellar job, but not mess up. I'll take that.

So, in other news, I'm worried my boyfriend is trying to squish his feelings of discomfort over my liking a friend of ours so that I'll be able to go out with said friend too, but I don't want him to squish his negative feelings and then feel worse. And we talked and he seems fine, and he said he doesn't want to hold me back from being happy, but I don't want to start this relationship if it will make him unhappy.

Ok I'm not explaining myself. So Boyfriend, let's call him A, we've been dating for a year, getting closeish to two years. For like, four or six months, I'm not sure how long, I dated a friend of ours, B. But it didn't work out for me so I broke up with B, and now we're still friends. Now, insert another friend, T, who A and I suspected liked me for a while. Now, because of differences in... style, A is wary of T. He doesn't dislike him, but he's tense about him. And when T told me he liked me and I checked in with A, he expressed that he preferred that I not date T. So I didn't, and T accepted my "I'm not sure I'm ready for another relationship" well and we're basically going on as usual. (I didn't want to engender resentment between T for A being my limiter for why I'm not dating him).

And then today A asked to talk about this again and said he was alright with me dating T. And I asked if he was pushing himself because he didn't want to limit me, and he said yes, a bit. So I'm concerned he's swallowing up his feelings so I get a... well, a "treat". When I don't want to make A uncomfortable about T.

I'm probably making this into a bigger deal than it is, we talked about it and so far no decision has been made.

 

You know what. I should trust my boyfriend to know what his feelings are doing and what is ok with him. I can't choose for him and shouldn't, and if I don't trust him to know himself enough for a healthy relationship we're doomed. Instead of second guessing, I can relax and trust him.

Yeah. That brings me peace and calm.

 

Gosh Raire how come you get to have two boyfriends?

...
No seriously I have no idea how I ended up in this again. It's nice tho. I'm going to take the niceness as much as I can, and enjoy it.

 

So, day after tomorrow I will be doing fieldwork! I've been wanting to do field work for a long time. I'm suddenly terrified that I can't "hack" field work in the Amazon and all my efforts to become an Amazon researcher will stall when it turns out I'm too weak to actually do it. Not that this is actual biological field work, more of social side, but it involves camping out with communities and slogging through mud and all sorts of unpleasant field experiences. And I've done field work, but it was always a few hours drive away from my home at the time, and I had conveniences and all that.

If it turns out I can't do that, I need to realign my priorities and career and everything. And that is terrifying and I'm so tired of doing non bio things I don't want to get stuck doing social conservation, I will go mad and never do a good job, please take me out of this volunteer gig, I want to be out, I wish I had never accepted it, I wish I could just hide back home and cry for a good few days, but no I gotta make myself sistematize these documents about the social side of conservation, and if tomorrow I was able to stop working the social side of conservation it would be too late, I am so tired of it all, of feeling dumb and useless. I don't want to do this. I really don't. I want to go away. I want to do the field work I did in college. I could deal with nettles and 42 C temperatures and hiking so long as I had a nice play to go back to afterwards with a shower and nice food. But this is another level and I don't even get to go into this with a positive and excited mindset, just dread dread dread.

 

I bet everyone in this office can't wait for me to be gone and stop wasting their time.

 

I was doing so good before this volunteer "opportunity", but now I'm bitter that my family wanted me to do this for my own good when all it's doing is giving me massive anxiety at being too dumb to get anything and how badly I want to leave and stop doing this.

 

Plus I have to survive until September. I'm staying here for another whole month at the least. Why did I agree to this why why why

 

Also I don't want to bother my boyfriend with this, I already overloaded him with negative talk and leaving him feeling helpless and negative himself, and I don't want to risk doing that again, but how do you figure out what's a healthy balance of keeping things from him so as to not hurt him and having a healthy conversation about what is bothering me? I don't know what the balance is.

 

In other news last night I made a simple drawing that encapsulates how anxiety feels bigger and better and realer than everything else about me.

I'm just wishy washy faded lines and it is a CLOUD all over me and pressinga nd weighing down and I just want to go away, can I escape, I'm already doing escapism by being here instead of doing work right now, I'll go do work.

 

Talked with the parents, felt both better and worse. Gotta stick it out in the meantime. It's so hard tho. I'm not getting proper sleep, just staying in bed awake for hours until I drop off for a bot.

 

Also I want to puke, but that's more of a physical response to the insomnia

 

So! I'm doing much better now. Incredibly better. The field work had me feeling a lot less stupid and I enjoyed it, and the trip, and the communities we worked with, so I'm feeling a lot less like I'm wasting people's and my time, and more like I'm getting something out of the whole experience. I can do Amazon field work, at least, at the conditions we experienced, and while Biology field work is more intense than the type I just did, it did a lot to reassure me that I can tough it out and I'm not going to have to change my career focus entirely. I'm still having trouble with the office work - though it probably doesn't help that my period literally just started as I got back from said field work - and focusing, but at least I got this out of the whole thing, and I might not have made friends, but I'm not being terrible you know?

So I'm in a much better state of mind.